Dead isn't a mood.. You can feel dead, but it still isn't a mood. Don't you dare argue otherwise! Well, fuck. Looking for a new blog because the point of this was so I didn't /have/ to make any entries "private". Hiding myself from the world, yet again. That's how pathetic I am. And you can't deny it. I'm hiding things from everyone now. Including you, Jesse. The only way you find out about most things now is by reading these stupid fucking things. I'm so pissed at everyone and everything right now. I'm sick of people telling me they care. You know what? That's nice I don't really give a shit. It doesn't make a differance anymore. That's a shitty excuse for.. everything. I got through BY MYSELF before. I'll get through BY MYSELF this time. Heh. That reminds me muchly of Jamie and our LP parties.. ...I miss her greatly.. I've begun cutting people out again. Alex. Andy. Melissa. Brandon (although he rather fucked that over himself after we broke up..). Probably Courtney when she gets back. Same with Elyse. Definately Kaylee. Heh. I told her that if I killed myself over the summer (which is an extreme probability), to know I loved her and she's helped me immensly. She didn't like that much. Then again, who would? I've got a lot of fucking problems right now. Either that, or it's just the same shit but it's finally sinking in and irritating me so unbelievably much. Well, let's talk about cutting. Cutting leads to more cutting which leads to more cutting which will eventually lead to my suicide. Now /that's/ a pleasant thought. Think about it, though. I'll fight with you, fight with Alex, fight with whomever about it and then I'll go and grab a razor because I'm so fucking mad at myself and everyone else. What can I say? I'm. Fucked. Jesseee.. I love you incredibly. You've been there through so much. You don't judge me because of the stupid shit I do. And you're there to just /listen/. You'll come over and do nothing just because you like to be with me (God knows fucking why anyone would..). Suicide, suicide, suuiiiciiidddeee. Everyone's so fucking depressed and consumed with trying to kill themselves. And you can't deny /that/. It's a fact. At least every other person I talk to now is struggling to keep from killing themselves. That's just.. ..pleasant. More stupid shit I've done.. breaking up with people for no fucking reason. I'm afraid that's going to happen with Ryan. Love him incredibly, I do. Things seem so much better when I'm with him. And I'm muchly happier (at times)... why would I want it to end? Well, I don't. But I can't help but think I'm too fucked up for him. I was sure I could tell him anything. And yet I've been hiding so much. I don't know why... and I know he's got a lot to deal with (Janine). I don't want to add to that. My God. They're tiny problems. And all I can think about is suicide. Maybe I'll just go sit in the bath and cut myself and wait to see if I die yet. And then go cry for God knows how long when I don't. And then phone Ryan and act like everything's fine. My God what the fuck is wrong with me.. -- I think about it all the time. I'm volatile and afraid to cry. But I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anesthetic's slowly wearing thin. And I need to talk to someone new. I need a different latitude. And I'm in this void, all alone. Feeling needy... hungry to grow. but I suffocate, can't come down. And there's no way out. There's no way out. THERE'S NO WAY OUT! I need to find my sanctuary, someplace safe. Gotta get this out of me- THIS IS MY ESCAPE...