Writing in here because.. I don't know. Different people. It's nice to know that for once, not everyone is involved in every little bit of my life. Things are falling apart. Everything's continued to go downhill. I've had the worst time coping with Jamie's death and I can't remember the last time I didn't end up crying myself to sleep, be it because of something Ryan did that hurt so bloody much, because my dad's being an idiot, or for some reason I don't know. I can't even listen to a Box Car Racer song without breaking down.. just so many memories of when we used to sit and talk about how the world was so totally fucked up(I wish I made cures for how people are..).. and just.. anything at all. How we were gonna have this mall with all these ducks because they were fucking awesome. And then I remember the bad things- the dreams, hallucinations... and I can't help but wonder how James is doing. If I'm like this, I can't possibly imagine what he's going through. Andy told me on Monday that I was in love with my sadness. Of course, what was I thinking? I love being miserable and upset and wondering exactly what my final breaking point will be! I feel so utterly alone. And all along I thought I just overanalyzed a little too much, put too much time and though into everything. Apparently, I'm wrong. I just want to know that I'm going to find someone who's not going to leave for whatever reason; be it because I'm so utterly fucked up, or because they just can't handle the events that take place in their own life. Wishful thinkin'.