Back to using SIT. Because my LJ is being fucked beyond belief when I want to fix my entry for today.. because in all reality, today sucked. So, let's bitch. It seems I'm best at that. The morning didn't start off too bad. Chem we just sat in the library. Me, Shannon, Lynae and Bear.. my God. We colored the table green and orange. It was great. And discovered a very dirty version of Yankee Doodle that we convinced Travers to sing. Hey, ho. CAPP... Rupp's stupid video project that resulted in us just walking around the school and filming random people because it was entertaining. Yes. Entertaining. Evilosity played a lunch. It was grand. Kyle is so totally my hero.. I want him. He got mad at Isabelle 'cause she messed up on a song (not that anyone actually noticed.. Fucking Biology. I am honestly going to shoot Carly. She started going off on Moz because of something with horses and Bear's just like, "Carly, honestly.. shut the fuck up. You don't get the point" and she flipped. She irritates me greatly. Like the other day when we were walking home and I was talking to Elyse about Alex and Carly starts off with "It's kind of early to mess around on Ryan, don't you think?" "Minus I'm not.." "It's okay, you can tell me. I won't tell him!" I wanted to flip out on her. As if I'd fuck things over with Ryan intentionally. Operative word- Intentionally. Hey, ho.. And English. Again with Carly's mad stupidity and her yelling at Curtis because he was "being stupid" when in all reality the kid is fucking awesome and massively intelligent. After school, Ryan mentions a possibility of him moving at the end of the year. Ouch, much. I don't know.. sure, I can pretend to get all mad and "You're leaving me!" {which I did}, but.. I don't know. I'm worried, yeah. But it's nearly a year away. Things could change for the better! Or the worst. Way to go, me. Looking for the negative to everything.. Today was nearly normal. I didn't daze out nearly as much.. I've begun to drift when we're just sitting in the Hall at lunch... I can't help it. Too much shit with my dad ("If you want to do something so entirely selfish and stupid like your supposed best friend, and kill yourself, then go ahead." Something along the lines of that. I wonder why I cried so much... >.> Not so much the fact that he pretty well told me to kill myself, but the fact that he brought up Mark in such a stupid fucking way.) random crap with friends (Courtney and her constant mentions of what we're going to do when I break up with Ryan. Again with wanting to slap that child. And how she told Carly we got into a huge fight about him. I don't understand her. One minute she says it's fine because I'm /happy/.. and the next she's flipping out because my God, I can't help it if I want to be with him at school.) and cutting (God knows that was getting pretty bad.)..... all of my 'friends' fighting amongst themselves.. just stupid crap like that. Right now I'm too numb to feel anything but annoyed with pretty well everyone. Things are too complicated. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each morning. I swear, if Ryan wasn't going to Woodlands I'd be right back where I was last year. Fucking woo. I'm honestly getting so fed up with Courtney. And I feel so horrible about it.. I'm so torn up about everything. I wish I would just stop thinking for five minutes. It all feels so fucking complicated, but I know I'm just making it that way. My overall condition.. I literally feel like I'm dying. Like someone's slowly draining every last fucking bit of energy out of my body. I've got that annoying pain in my stomach that's supposed to be associated with stress and depression and all that bull. It literally hurts to do anything but cry. That's so fucking pathetic. Can I please die now? You don't even understand how hard it's becoming to keep from hurting myself. "This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"... This is the kind of crap Andy used to flip on me for. Acting all happy and like everything's totally fine! when I'm at school.. and then I get home and bitch about things like this. I have to admit, he had a point. What sane person would do such a thing? I honestly feel sorry for Ryan- I don't think he has any idea just how much I am to put up with... and things have only gotten worse, which makes it harder to keep everything in... he probably thinks I'm a fucking nut. I don't blame him one bit. Wouldn't blame him if he left me, either. Though I love him dearly, I'd leave him because of it if it weren't for the small part of me that hopes just maybe he'll stick through it all. Who fucking knows. I can't help but want to plead with him to go find someone else because I'm only going to make him miserable. I dwell too much on stupid things like this that just don't matter. Or shouldn't.. You want to know the sad part? I think it's typing out whinges like this that's making everything worse. Because not only am I focusing on it all, but it's here so I can look back at it. Loony. Now songs.. Good ones, mind you. "Take this for what it's worth/ This song/ My smile/ Now take this for what it's worth/ This song/ My smile/ Smile/ I write to you from hell/ My song/ Leaving the foot against the gas/ And the wall that must have said your name/ Weaken me/ For nothing you can say can stop this/ Would a noose replace his lips?/ Would a noose replace.../ Can a song replace a broken heart?/ Now can a song replace a broken love?/ No/ On the beach/ I remind myself/ That holding hands is so powerless/ Tonight/ I don't even have the stars/ To hold onto/ Paint/ Paint this red/ Paint/ I'll paint this red/ Paint this red/ Her picture will remain unbroken/ She cries tonight/ "I will fall in love"/ I will fall in love/ Wipe each tear away/ With sandpaper/ Tonight/ I'm not alone/ And I just wanna get your fucking voice out of my head/ Can a song replace a broken heart?/ Now can a song replace a broken love..." "Kiss me on the forehead, angel, before I go to sleep. I can't remember if it's Thursday or December. I've been keeping track of days by counting hangovers and bottles on my floor. My mangled memory is making me mistake misfortune for forgiveness. I don't think I'll make it out alive. So promise me that you'll survive to bury me. Just empty all the alcohol and chronicles the chemicals, but don't forget the cigarettes. Remember every ember. Alright, I admit that past few months were broken and abused. *Now I'm used to bleeding and unspoken words that kept me so confused.* Maybe we can get past these addictions, but the bodies piling up are a whole other story unless your stomach's strong enough. Hell, maybe we can just pretend that this recovery won't depend on moderation and in the end the same routine won't leave me dead. Just empty all the alcohol...or, baby, we're dead. Tomorrow we'll wake up in time to stop this double suicide through kisses laced with cyanide and one last look through blood shot eyes. I guess this is what they call killing yourself in small doses" "Everyone and everything feels like it slips away> Way down> Deep down> In my lungs> I can hear you as you fade> So spill my blood> Midnight skies turn scarlet red> Say "so long,"> Say "goodnight,"> And just hold out your hand> To catch me if I fall into the night> Wake me up from this nightmare> Wake me up> I know that I am drowning in the blood> Wake me up from this nightmare> Wake me up> I know I am drowning in the blood from a pitch black heart> Cut my throat> Spill my blood> Pitch black heart" "So we're talking forever/ And you almost feel better/ But better's no excuse for tonight/ You see/ It's never bad enough/ To just leave or give up/ But it's never good enough to feel right/ Now I'm lying on the table/ With everything you said/ It will all catch up eventually/ Well it caught up and honestly/ The weight of my decisions/ Were impossible to hold/ But they were never yours/ They were never yours" "So let me take this medicine/ To quench my love for violent things/ My swan song will/ Be like a bullet laced in anger/ As the razor cuts a soft spot/ On your heel/ eachbreath/ Is getting slower/ thiswar/ Is getting harder/ To fight by myself/ sickwaves/ Of bitter fashon/ rippeddown/ The shield that I have/ Tears rain from above/ Do you see?/ The life I lead?/ So follow me into the sun/ And I will bleed, the poisons dry/ These bayonet scars never cease/ To blind the light shed from the beast/ And all we do is hate/ eyesshot/ From constant visions/ angels/ Are rendered useless/ Good has lost it's heart/ Do you see?/ This life I lead?/ So follow me into the sun/ And I will bleed, the poisons dry/ For you/ Bite to break skin/ Don't give the secret/ My stoic face/ Beaten with passion/ The pheonix will die/ Inside the fire storm/ I am the son/ So follow my footsteps..." "I'll never walk away/ A book of hate/ Yeah/ I'll never exhale/ 1000 volts for/ I'll never walk away/ Every smile you gave me/ Never exhale/ As the story prolongs/ With each word/ My stomach starts to turn/ I have swallowed nails so I can never say your name/ Now words are heard through my eyes/ Take this blade to my wrist/ Help me end what makes you ugly/ Swimming in the pools of my mind/ You come to me at night/ Leave me black and save yourself/ Can you see the fire/ That burns from my heart/ This song is for you/ So perfect/ I have made an attempt/ To have you/ Take this blade to my wrist/ Help me end what makes you ugly/ Swimming in the pools of my mind/ You come to me at night/ Leave me black and save yourself/ Light up this cigarette/ Tonight I will sleep with a gun in my mouth/ Goodnight, my love" "Choke on the phrases left unsaid/ Silver bullets that piece my ears/ Shadows of demons melt my persona/ Taken from the memory of the darkess lock/ Can I walk amongst the slave/ Chained to the hopeless/ And lenched from your smile/ Can I float upon your tears/ Swealtering the hate/ For our non-existance/ Send the dove/ Bring her a star/ Throw me a raven/ Spoon out my heart/ Glorify her smile/ Condemn his frown/ With the last ounce of dignity/ I will pray/ Scream out/ My mistakes to the heavens"