Have put my livejournal entry in here because the site is.. not working... : I haven't done an actual update for a very long time. It's usually just song lyrics or some random emo one-liner about the boy. So, here's the deal: I've dropped out of school. I may go back next semester, I may not. More than likely the latter. I've put a stop to all medication. That was about a month and a half, maybe two ago. Since, I've done enough drugs to not see any negative effect. Drugs, as of a week and a half ago, are at an end. Friends are complicated. I've lost contact with many over the past few months, as a result of a failure to attend school. I've complicated things with mother, which seems to have resulted me spending most of my time out of the house. And usually at Nadja's. Love the Nadja. And the Mikey. The positives out of everything; having gained two very close friends. Contact is somewhat established with my father. He payed for me to go get a mental check-up to see if I'm able to go get my N (which I'm not; apparently I'm too unstable and still mentally fucked up. This isn't really news). The boy complicates things. We rarely talk. I've messed things up considerably due to a Hallowe'en party incident, but they weren't that great prior to mentioned gathering. Now I just get to hear about how much he talks about me, and have his girlfriend want to hang out because she's curious as to who I am. I've reached an emotional low - I can quite honestly say I don't give a fuck about anything. I've messed up my life considerably by dropping out of school, not coming home, doing drugs in excess, and I still don't care. I don't care about my 'future', because I just don't see one. I'm still hoping one of these days my body will just give up, say 'enough is enough', and I just won't wake up. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. In the past, this was often accompanied by a longing for death, in which I was just so overwhelmed with that feeling - the idea was just stuck in my head like a bad song and wouldn't get the fuck out - that I'd lay in bed for weeks and weeks. I do things without thinking, I hurt people and I just don't care. I don't think you could ever possibly understand that- I just don't care. At all. It's not in a mean way, but like I have no conscience. I don't think about things like I used to. And by that, I mean I used to have this overwhelmingly large number of thoughts going through my head at any given point and they were so random and so confusing, I'd pray to just have one day of relief. That day came. I used to not speak for fear of what would come out, now I don't speak because I have nothing to say. Not a single thought in my head. This is one of the rare occasions when I have something to put out, and even now I'm just typing, doing so without actually thinking prior. Maybe I was fucked up to begin with, maybe this is what normal people do. Or maybe I really have pushed myself over the edge. I remind myself of so many people - those I promised myself I'd never become. Or lived in fear of becoming. The only emotions I ever feel are anger, bitterness and resentment. There's a lot of hatred there, hey? Yeah, just a little bit... Yeah, now I really don't know. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I have a Paul. He came back to see me, and has stayed in Nanaimo since. He's sweet, and listens to rants such as this. Kind of like the boy used to do... Back to the old ways - insomnia fills my nights. I just lay there and stare at the wall across from my wall, for hours upon hours, until daylight comes. I lose track of the time, because I'm not thrinking about anything. It's kind of like a routine now. I've broken myself I've broken - I'm still breaking - cracked and wrecked beyond repair... I miss you so far. And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.. I miss Mark terribly. I don't know why I've been thinking about him so much lately. This time of year has absolutely no importance or significance. Other than it's three months prior to his suicide. That's odd. I kind of... totally broke down after that, but seemed to be able to feel and somewhat fix myself. I was okay this summer- for the first time in a long while I was actually OKAY. And now.. there's no fixing this mess. I mean, honestly now kiddies. What's gonna happen? Can someone tell me that? The lyric; I don't cry how you cry, there's nothing left in me... ...has taken on a whole new meaning