good mood. sticking with it toooo! going to visit mimi and grampy innnn 2 weeks. booked as of.. today. wow. I love them. so much. oh ben. ..... well that mood got slaughtered... I need to stop analyzing things.. over analyzing things. ahhh it makes me sick. and my stomach does that thing. and I get aggrevated and ahhh I need to stop it. like, I don't even want to go away for a week because that means I won't see him... fuckk. but I want to gooo and relax and be away from this crap but ahhhh. I just. am sooo. insecure. and scared. and if I go.. does that mean hes going to see someone else.. and then what will I do. i'm so attached. way too attached. I don't know how it happened. I wish I could fix it. I really do. It scares me. and makes me feel like crap. all the time. and even small things like... I don't know. I can't get them out of my head.. I'm so messed up. I just. tonight. I texted him and was like do I get to see you tonight? he was like I don' tknow do you? whattt the fuck. and I was like I asked you, you didn't seem all too interested last night.. he said oh?... sorry? I was like, I wasn't looking for an apology? he was ilke ok... whattt the fuckkk and then I texted him and was like I got you a whoopie pie.. the good kind.. he was like :]ha where are you now?:] I said work.. and I asked if he needed anything else while I was there.. he said "nope just you:]" but like. when I got there... he ate it.. and it wasn't like it usually is.. and he fell asleep. and then he rolled over towards the wall.. and I played big spoon and had my arm over his and I fell asleep for a while.. but he didn't really.. acknowledge it... and sometimes he doesn't but... he didnt roll over or anything after a couple hours.. so I was ilke awesome... going home. I don't know. I just get... ahhh. and I know its messed up and neurotic and I'm a friggan mess but its how I feel and I cant change it as much as I want to and try and so I bottle it up so I dont come off like that and its hard. and I just. I don't know. he scares me. so much. I want to cry. and when neither of us are grumpy.. or anything.. we're great. so good. I'm so screwed up. he did it to me. this did it. and I just... can't make it better... or I don't know. fuck. I don't know. I can't talk to him. he already knows wayyy more than i could ever be comfortable with. ever. and hes so unclear. as to what he wants and feels. and I'm scared. scared scared scared. the girl that has all the balls in the world, scared. scared and tired.