All, Happy 2024! As you've noticed if you're here, Sitdiary is being renovated in a big way. That's not to say that it's being completely overhauled; the initial motivation in bringing it back to life is to give people access to their old stuff. Part of me felt for a long while that it was time to let Sitdiary kind of fade, but over the years, people kept reaching out here and there to ask whether it would ever come back up and I'd been noncommittal at best. However, recently, hellboy (Christian) reached out to me (thank you, Christian) and let me know that people had formed a subreddit dedicated to Sitdiary and there was a bit more interest than I'd previously perceived. After digging into that a bit, it kind of inspired me to bring things back -- at least to the point where people could log back in and view not only their own private entries but also their friends' entries as well. So, that's the short version of how we got to where we are. Now, with that said, let me address a few specific things: Passwords The old password system for Sitdiary was basically terrible and super easy to hack, so I made the decision to enforce a much tighter password protocol and encryption. Unfortunately, this means your old password won't work anymore. The good news is that you can reset your password, supposing you still have access to the same email! Of course, if you don't have access to your old email, that's when you'll have to use the contact form and reach out to me directly and we can discuss it further. Spam As many of you know, Sitdiary was rife with spam for years -- a lot of it still persists -- and I am trying to think of a good way to cull it all. In the mean time, here are the steps I've taken to help mitigate it: I deactivate spam diaries on sight and have been doing so for a while. I've added Recaptca to key areas (password reset, contact forms) and will be adding them to registration when that's back. Some of this is annoying, but it's necessary if we want nice things. Images I did migrate the old user images to a CDN, so they are technically there. The problem is that young Scott referenced them in such a janky way that it's difficult to consistently point to them from your entries (as you may have noticed). The second problem is that some just got deleted and are no longer reference-able. I'm still thinking through how to properly bring those back, but needless to say -- I'll have to bring back an image manager of some kind. What's Available Now Login and password reset The random button (woo!) Reading public entries Reading private entries Reading friends-only entries Commenting Comment deleting (your own and others' on your own entries) Settings (limited) Email Notifications (limited) Roadmap Now, as far as what's on the roadmap: User profiles Open Registration Entries (creating, editing, deleting) Image manager (as mentioned) Friend manager (and friend-adding in general) Settings (full) These are the core things I want to bring back and the survey I put on the site has so far indicated that opening registration back up is the biggest thing people want to see, so I weighted that at the top of the list. Of course, I am open to ideas and feedback, so feel free to use the contact form to reach out or leave a comment on news or scott. I want the site to feel like it used to, but faster, less buggy and with WAY less spam. All that being said, even if it never came back in a big way, it's been an amazing blast getting it to where it is now and hearing from people I haven't interacted with in years has been just awesome. That's pretty much it for now. Thank you all for your patience. Love, Scott

All, Happy 2024! As you've noticed if you're here, Sitdiary is being renovated in a big way. That's not to say that it's being completely overhauled; the initial motivation in bringing it back to life is to give people access to their old stuff. Part of me felt for a long while that it was time to let Sitdiary kind of fade, but over the years, people kept reaching out here and there to ask whether it would ever come back up and I'd been noncommittal at best. However, recently, hellboy (Christian) reached out to me (thank you, Christian) and let me know that people had formed a subreddit dedicated to Sitdiary and there was a bit more interest than I'd previously perceived. After digging into that a bit, it kind of inspired me to bring things back -- at least to the point where people could log back in and view not only their own private entries but also their friends' entries as well. So, that's the short version of how we got to where we are. Now, with t...

Things are starting to escalate quite quickly and this story is looking to stay alive until March. I'll be out of this ditch and have successfully dragged most of pi totes and furniturehalf a mile I. The snow to where I was stuck in the snow. I have to come back though, and I now have to come back with the police to make sure things stay civil because of the impression they are leaving me. So rather than fight them both and risk them using their guns or something stupid I'm just going to get the authorities involved and request a property removal order for Mid-March. They have more to lose than I do because I have given up on the stupid attachment I had to fixing the farm up. It's too much work and at odds with them all the time. And their addiction and fickle behaviors are getting worse. Everyone else in the family is telling me to get out and that if had been them or anyone else in the family they had left or ended up in a violent situation the first month there if that. I'm ok with ...

i guess this is just where i come to put down all my most uncharitable thoughts and feelings. can't help but wonder why you get to have this and i don't get to and that is probably the meanest thought i'll ever have. i will look back on this in 10 years and have no idea what i was talking about here and that's probably for the best. i hope i forget. i hope i know better. i hope i feel better. i hope you feel better. who would've thought i would make two diary entries in the same quarantine. covid got us all fucked up, huh. i'm tired, but i'm always tired. i'm sure my very first entry talks about how tired i am because i've never not been this. anyways. time for bed. ~katja

I finally made it out and by fortune and hard work. And while I moved whatever little Incould under such hostile environments and having to keep watch over my mother and this Schmuck and His Son. So as to make sure that they act civil. I just had to come back and try this time with a smaller vehicle that wouldn't get stuck. I don't want to give full details of just how shady my Uncle and cousin have been last few days. But let me tell you that I'm only trying to move our things like he's been demanding like a child for the last three months. And now here I am suck a second time because we weren't able to get our all of basics and paper work. Stuck this 400 into the road. I feel like this guy intentionally drove his car and got himself stuck to cost me more for Tow or whatever misery loves company Shiraz it won't get me down tonight because I have the money, legal right, and everyone knows where I am so if any funny business goes on I'll be ready and there would be consequences. Hoping ...

this will be a short one, as my hands hurt a lot today. the scars from the surgeries are healing well, but the insides still flare up. it'll take time for that to diminish, but at least my hands aren't nearly as bad as before. im back to work again, and the only person who realises COVID hasn't gone away. there was an outbreak when i was out for my surgeries, so i fortunately missed that - but nothing has changed. im a high-risk person, so i do what i can to stay safe, but it's frustrating being alone in it. John's son just signed up for his 'graduation time-slot'. it's his final year of school, at the end of which he plans to move out. five more months until freedom!!!! i am giddy with excitement; being able to remove the cabinet locks, not having to be on guard whenever he's here, and to not have to hide our devices anymore are all going to be an amazing feeling. maybe i can start planning a road trip. whee!! this coming Saturday, John's son will be by his mum, ...

“The greatness of a nation can be judged by how it treats its weakest member,” -Gandhi I had my physical exam today. First one. Ever. Now I remember why I never go to the doctor.

Sorry that I never let you go, but let me be honest of all the things my addictive personality cling too much of them all you were the queen. I just don't want to get high anymore in the same way anymore. There are different things that wake me up in the morning. I've figured a way to channel this energy into a totally different obsession. I won't be young forever but at the very least I can start chasing the real things I need. As opposed to what I had always chased in want. So sorry that I loved you for so long and didn't think to realize until two years ago this was an addiction. Forgive me. I won't bother you again.

It finally started snowing, after waiting for it all day. I think it's funny how everyone anticipates a snow storm, Only to bitch about it once it starts. I like snow but I don't like shoveling it. TACHI doesn't like it either All 6 pounds of her. Lol. I still haven't found a job, I will take anything at the moment. I'm trying to stay positive. I wish my snow mobile worked, I'd be ripping it. They say we're going to get 15 inches of snow. I really feel so un accomplished at this point in my life. One side of me already gave up, the other side is trying.. . I need to be stable, in all ways, and I'm not. Useless. If I keep wanting it ill get it eventually. I'm doing all I can. I wanted this to be a happy update but today just has me so irritated. So irritated I don't even want to write about it and relive it. Ha. Mercury. Thanks. The next 24 hours should be calm atleast, with all the snow coming. I'm looking forward to cuddling the day away with my animals. Coffee, movies, bongs......

A watched pot does nothing, wholly simple in colour and Gypsy in character. I have no shame. The amount of cruelty I have put on my body has been truly something and the month isn't even over. No hot wasser? Fuck it get used to cold showers. The first at thing I've done was pack away my toys except my telecaster and few items of clothing and have decided to sell or forgoe them entirely. The property? I'm staying because the rent is cheaper and the environment is just the right amount of conrete reality, a training ground for the real world. And where to go from here? I have a few ideas. When this entire property is cleaned and when my body is clean. That's when I'll leave. I've finally have something worked out with my roommates and I don't really care what's going on outside. My theory is this: if you have an addictive personality like I do, and you let your mind with nothing to do, boo action to take, the mind will find shot for you to ruminate and hate yourself. But when you're in t...

what the fuck's fuck happened? i'm watching someone on a rollercoaster and they're headed towards a dead end-there's nothing i can do to stop the damn cart. in my dream there was so much glass. i broke so much glass. the dream felt so real. i have a grasp on what is happening to me-the people around me-the person, they do not. i can't bring myself to even write this. always speaking in code-so sly. all this is written on my forehead. too funny... all i can do is prepare. i'll take care of what i can. i can vent here, to a degree, and continue keeping that momentum going. study study study. study myself, the material, and create a plan. that's what i'll do. ahaah that's what i get. i do wonder what would have happened... and then i remember the other option was the darker side of the coin. alcoholism is a beast of an addiction-i'm where i'm meant to be. i'm learning to be my own fire. i was so happy... there are brief moments now. i appreciate those moments so much more. i'm going to ...

I have a hunger for something to make me feel alive. Drugs won't work, alcohol won't work, anything else won't work. Adrenaline that's what I gotta have. Something turned a switch on inside my heart when I hurried away from the funeral to go yell out in some random field in Dearborn. Am I calling to God or even my late father? No I'm calling to life and laughing. It's all I can do? I feel like risking my life and taking a chance. To crash and burn failing to turn away. I'm not talking about canal pleasures of fleshed our desires. Survivors guilt. That's what these feelings are. Where have all my positive male role models gone? I decided that psychosis isn't all that bad because I don't believe my own bullshit. Can I be the best person I can be while facing my own madness and off kilter? Well I decided to keep diving in the depths of despair. I believe it's Nietzsche that supposed having to repeat life over again and again. Fuck it. Let's do it. Bring on the pain and craziness.

Second beer tonight that I've counted so far. I'd drink too if I lived with me. How are you supposed to kick four addictions at once? Not the easiest shit to do. The porn is just the icing on the cake. He may not physically cheat anymore, but he sure does lust and engage with other women all the time behind my back. It wasn't just a few months, it was years. Maybe you've also been physically cheating this whole time too. I remember smelling perfume when he was at our old apartment and he said he didn't start cheating until we moved into the new place. I'm totally sick and fucking furious every moment of every day. I can't eat because I'm afraid of throwing up or maybe I just have no appetite. Every time I cry, I'm amazed I have more tears to cry, they never end. How can I continue. He wants me to break up with him but he cannot do it. He is only continuing for my daughter's sake and because he feels guilty. He doesn't really love me, he only thinks he owes me this. Well, I...

It's strange to go back to a diary again. After all this shit that has been going on in my life, the last thing I want to do is write it down. It's what I do when I go through my breakups though. I start writing everything thing down since I can never trust my memory. Every time I'm asked to trust someone, they stab me in the back. They also try to make me feel crazy for finding clues about what they are lying about. I'm too smart. I figure shit out. I've learned to trust my instincts over the years but I chose to ignore them this time around. I wanted a perfect life so badly that I thought I could make it work regardless, just as long as he was faithful. All I valued was faithfulness and honesty in a relationship. I will never find that. Porn has taught men to think of and treat women like objects and toys. Porn is addicting and they will always succumb. I refuse to be someone's pet while they can go and do whatever that want with no consequences. I'm just supposed to be ...

January 6th already? That escalated quickly. The world scares me. I think everyone needs a hit of the fucking bong. Their own bong, of course, because, COVID. ... my cat is mad that I'm typing, Brb? I was high as a kite when I wrote the above .. I guess I am now too.. Any ways, I always feel like such a failure. I still can't find a job, its been 2 months.. I don't know I feel useless. I'm getting too used to being sad all the time and smoking pot That probably doesn't help. But it does (lol) its better than those pills they put me on. Yuck. I'm not good at this. I basically rescued a bearded dragon . His habitat was all wrong, it was hurting him. So I changed His light to an actual sun basking light and what not. I could tell after awhile in the heat, he was allot Happier and moving aroind.... I'm distracted right now Alright I thought that got deleted but I guess not. Same shit different day. I felt okay today. I can't sleep. It's 1:38am. My dog is sleepin...

I don't know how many people I've told to start journaling this year. This year has to be recorded, it has to be documented for our future selves or maybe future historians to see and read and feel. Nicole texted me, using Siri while she was stuck in highway traffic, and said she wonders if she's more self-aware than others and if other people are self-aware at all. I told her she would really benefit from journaling and it's the only thing that has kept me out of a full-time mental institution for years, WHICH IS TRUE. And she's like "is this how you tell me that I'm mental?" And no, not really. Everyone should try to journal at least. Put pen to paper or fingers to keys and get those feelings out in a real, tangible way. Also, your friends aren't your therapists, ya know? I have three best friends and two of them are my platonic life mates, and I try really hard to not overload them with my feelings all the time. We talk about our struggles -- work shit, dating, their kids, the pande...

Seven years seems like a blur to me really. Have I wasted most of it? Probably.. I'm alive, if thats of any value. I've struggled mentally alot.. who even reads this anymore.? Hello.. ha ha. I forgot what it feels like to ramble on this thing. A bunch of run on sentences. Do I dare mention the big 19? Covid, that it. I'm 30 now. Ended up catching it. What the fuck was that? Am I just a constant disease now? People watch the news too much and I don't think that's good for their own mental health. I really want to get out of this country before they ban that too. Where would I go? With my dog � A beach. No, the mountains. Somewhere with fresh water and fruit. I should have started digging my bunker when I said I was going too. Maybe I should start typing my random thoughts more often. I don't know what to do about Anthony. I love him. But he treats me like, not that great. I don't feel loved. 9 years is ...

My Uncle died last night from COVID-19....he was the only that helped me pay for my fathers funeral. And just...wow. As if I did t want to dig a hole and join everybody already or out my head in the sand for the next two years. Just...

On Dec. 10, 2008: "i just read over all the comments that people have left me in the last 4 and some odd years. Wow. For some reason I never thought people read and understood, but you did. You all understand... I wish we could all get together in a coffee house or all-night truck stop and talk about life. maybe some of us would finally get it." Here I am, 12 years after writing that post; 17 years from starting this blog; 39 minutes past my first deadline for a story I haven't started writing yet. How am I still the same person as I was all those years ago?

Today's a day to fuck and tuck my emotions. Lets go!

Welcome to Month 9 of Working From Home due to an International Health Crisis. What have I learned so far, you ask? So much, and nothing at all. Let's keep it going, yeah? Yeah.

dedcember. the last chapter of 2020. an ending leading to a new beginning. 875 posts here. spanning over a decade or more. through college. through crushes. through my mothers cancer and inevitable death. a lifetime. i wonder how i can possibly save all of this from disappearing one day. every time i leave for awhile. i end up always coming back to read. to see who i used to be. and how i used to feel. most of those feelings are dark. a shadow cast over my heart. now. i am so different and not so different. lost somewhere between being a mother, adult, and woman. grown now but still not so grown. not on the inside. the deep down. the thing that keeps me me seems to still be intact, just lost under the muck of others expectations and assumptions. ive often stated that i am not a good person. i know im not. i know that my heart carries within it a dark piece that never really goes away but instead plays along with the game. understands that not many if any would understand what really f...

i dont know what i expect to be any different after 12 years. i really dont know why i expect his attitude towards life and everything to change. maybe im just angry because i want a drink. or maybe im just really angy because he doesnt help discipline these kids. i dont know its hard to tell these day where the jumping point off is. i come here because its safe. safe from judgement. safe from others knowing my thoughts and feelings. a decade ive been using this as a way to say what ive always wanted to say when there is no one to listen. a partner is supposed to be a partner. although he helps in many ways i need help with keeping these kids in line. some times i wonder why i of all people became a mother instead of just drinking myself to death. or skipping the whole mom thing and i couldve still been enjoying my freedom. freedom from adulting and chores and fucking cyber school. freedom from trying to relate to other mothers i really dont give a fuck about. i dont fit in. im a squa...

Wow how time flies. I just stumbled on this for the first time since 12th grade. What a shock. I can't believe I was such a messed up teenager. I did a lot of dumb shit, and I was not kind to myself. I hated me. But I'm glad to say that is all in the past. im 31 years old now. I have two children, ten and six, girl and boy. They are the light of my life but also extremely exhausting. I have a wonderful fiancé who lives out of state for work right now. I'm hoping to move soon to be with him. But there's a lot of huddles keeping me here. Hopefully it will all be settled soon. I have for the most part, over come all my suicidal tendencies and stopped hurting myself like six or so years ago. I'm happy with who I have grown to become. I'm strong. I'm independent. I have my issues but I'm pretty kick ass honestly. I just wanna say for anyone who felt the way I did growing up, it rlly truly gets better. All you gotta do is survive. Keep breathing and survive....... thank you so much ...

BIDEN WON, BIDEN WON, BIDEN WON!!!!!!!!, BIDEN WON, etc. i am so happy Trump will be leaving, i haven't the vocabulary even in multiple languages to properly express it. (maybe think of like Russki Mat*, but a glorious & relieved version instead of just 57 ways to declare you shagged my mother.) in other news, my health is getting better. ive lost over 5 kilos this month! & ive just tested negative for the bacteria that took me out for so long. i will be returning to work on Tuesday barring unforeseen circumstances. im due to schedule carpal tunnel surgery in the coming weeks, so im not certain how long my return will last, but i am going to do the best i can. we've been setting up for the hols to make things feel more cosy round here, & it has lifted my spirits a lot. our tree is up & decorated, & ive got most of the decor i plan to use set up already. until John's son moves out, there's not enough room to display everything, and i typically go with the...

had a right heap of tests yesterday at the doc (they got back to me after all) & am hoping i am now much closer to results. i had, among other things, an EKG done; due to COVID, the equipment was brought to my room, & it went much differently than EKGs have for me in the past. i basically ended up flashing the worker, who couldn't have been more than 25 years old, for 10 min straight. handsome kid, and possibly the son of my mum's new best friend...oi. i am not remotely prone to exhibitionism on even my best days, so that was a lot of awkwardness. he was extremely friendly; however, in an odd way, i think that might have made it worse. still off of work for now - at least through the week. Election Day is next week [cue scary music], so if my sickness doesn't improve by then, i really hope at least i'll be able to celebrate a Biden-Harris win. we all need to end this awful year on a good note, & more Trump is about as bad as it could get. i cannot even imagine th...