what the fuck's fuck happened? i'm watching someone on a rollercoaster and they're headed towards a dead end-there's nothing i can do to stop the damn cart. in my dream there was so much glass. i broke so much glass. the dream felt so real. i have a grasp on what is happening to me-the people around me-the person, they do not. i can't bring myself to even write this. always speaking in code-so sly. all this is written on my forehead. too funny... all i can do is prepare. i'll take care of what i can. i can vent here, to a degree, and continue keeping that momentum going. study study study. study myself, the material, and create a plan. that's what i'll do. ahaah that's what i get. i do wonder what would have happened... and then i remember the other option was the darker side of the coin. alcoholism is a beast of an addiction-i'm where i'm meant to be. i'm learning to be my own fire. i was so happy... there are brief moments now. i appreciate those moments so much more. i'm going to end up running myself to the bone. i don't mind. i'm looking forward to the warm weather. I want to run like i used to... I want to get lost for two hours and come home and sleep. i miss restful sleep. the song i'm listening to, it inspires peace. all i feel is nostalgic. i am at peace with my present. i was so right. i knew that i would look back and think, "we were so happy there". the pandemic brought us together and now we're drifting apart. there. i said it.

it's been a little over two months and we've kept clear of nonsense. I am proud of us. In the first few weeks I would have dreams where I would make mistakes and I remember feeling a great deal of shame and sadness. Had I actually tumbled, I am sure the intensity of the feelings would be multiplied eight-fold. I love my brain, my languages, and being present. These treasures will be preserved. Now there's someone very dear to me that's in danger. It's crazy, it's like my subconscious has been preparing itself for decades. I've heard a great deal of people assert that there is this flow of water, "don't go against the current". It is mad to go against the current, I understand that now. I cannot be in control, I can only respond and even then those actions must be taken with great care and consideration. The truth is that I care. I am fine with saying it and writing it. To love is to be generous. Just as when a word is repeated, unmeasured generosity can lose meaning as well. Love. To open up my heart is to welcome vulnerabllity. Hahaha my thoughts. I can see the patterns. The flags are waving. The time to plan is here. All I can do is express compassion, offer an analysis, and plant as many seeds as possible. I have death on my side. I can say this because I have taken that path and I know what I would do in the case that it were a possibility. I am aware that my actions can create a ripple effect. I can also say that the acceptance of death is freeing my essence from the box that is my ego. I will not be consumed by my ego again. I must find my way through these distractions. The words will come. I must read more and learn as much as I can so that I can organize the words needed to share the seeds. What is the objective? Share the seeds. I am not the person that is control of the reaction or repsonses... I will learn to let go. I accept death. I accept life. I have been on both ends of that spectrum and have made my way out of that prison. I am here.

i didn't dream it up-all of it is real. although i feel a great deal of guilt and shame, I also feel relief and peace. i can't change the past but i can see it from a different lens. this shift is fair, compassionate, and not absolute. That gives me peace. knowledge can be painful if resistance is blind. in the end what is done is what counts. yes, i've continued with my habit. i've let go of soul-crushing practices. i have a plan which is more of a roadmap with several forks. when i get there I'll work on making a decision-i'm taking this one step at a time. i could go back and apologize however I don't have the desire to. in fact, I am at peace knowing that my feelings have been shown. in short: don't expect any help from me, be satisfied with my attendance haha. generating happiness for you was never my job. your counselor can help you with that-there's not enough money or light in the world to get me to take on that task for you. let me go; like really let me go-we ain't hanging out or even talking for more that three minutes. and finally to everyone: leave me alone.

I wish i could select a feeling but I'm out of touch with them. sucks. my biggest fear has always been to be watched without my knowing. does that makes sense? that and the ocean. it's so vast and the waves-they crash all that stands in their way. I love fire. i guess i like feeling like i'm in control... though I know i am not. control. control is... quitting old habits saying no being calm that's all i want. Can i adapt without having a meltdown? I go into this state of fear. I don't want it. stop. that's it! wher i'm living now, I am happy to a degree. i love my husband. i like the space i have from my family. i miss them. i like missing them. why am i here? there are things i can't share... won't share with other people because I am afraid of worrying them. so, in turn they don't understand me. they are patient with me. i am very patient with them. this medication. i'm so tired of this damn medication. so tired that I have decided to foolishly split my dosage in half and eventually stop taking it. This will be the last week. i can eat again. it's funny. i take the medication and in turn i don't go into a frenzy every time there's an event. so that means that i feel catatonic. all the time. i sleep forever and i don't care. i don't eat and i don't care. i don't want to eat. sleeping is difficult as well. i smoke so i want to eat again. i smoke so i can sleep. i'm smoking more now than ever before. this is problematic. i don't go out. i don't visit my parents and family. i haven't seen my friends in months. i'm barely doing enough to make it through the day. my habit is getting in the way of my relationships. my poor husband. what's ironic is I've studied all of this. i know this. still, i've continued. i've read studies that investigate people that have had similar upbringings as mine and there is a hiiiiiigh incidence of addiction and risky behaviors. sounds great, right? they always say it's the papers. the damn papers. i say no. i say it's a number of circumstances that really make it difficult for me to visualize my future. there's so much angst in my family. at least they get to worry about themselves. i need to do something. i was 4 weeks and two exams away from becoming an educator. damn anxiety. my body couldn't continue. my father was in an accident. my poor mom, whole host of things there too. my aunt's dealing with a divorce and her kids are scattered trying to make life work. all i can do is help by teaching them life skills and listening to them. i care, deeply. in the chaos i find myself, she's terrified. her dream is to be a house. i said that when i was shit drunk and up to no good. from those stupid choices came that revelation. i want stability and my own space. i regret it happening but i don't. i'm just like my father but i'm not. it takes a crazy action from an unstable person to fight an erratic feeling... is what i put into action. that's what happens when i keep things to myself. i'm so used to self-medicating. this is an obsession of mine. most of my entries are reflections. all the things i wanted to say when events took place. i was too shy and scared to say these things. when i die all that will be left are these post reactions... no. i don't want that. i want self-actualization. i want to make things with my hands. i need space to be alone, my own space. i want to make things that help me understand myself. i want to know me again. i want to open the door and let the words dance off my tongue. i want to feel fulfilled, exhausted, and satisfied. i want to know my body, better than before. no more circles. i've moved passed the perfect circle and am now in search for that balance that changes from time to time.

there was a time when i was counted, i was visible and all that surrounded me was as it was. now i sit in this golden cage. no trouble of any kind. my name is clear. even the poorest aren't labeled "clandestine". my question is what else? how else? i gave up my tongue to assimilate. i sacrificed community. my roots. what else. what else is needed. how much more is needed? everything that i have, all that i have accomplished has been done with the help from people that care. there has been no aid from the government or state. what else. what else. what else. rhetorical questions. all of them. i know the answers. the world owes me nothing. i owe the government and state nothing. those that have stepped in to lessen the burden are all blood. even within them there's disorder. another lifetime of limbo. it really fucks with my paradigm. this "other" label. being on the outside. hiding. the secrets. fear of being followed, watched, discovered.

I still remember the music. I remember a few words that were exchanged, the night. why today? why? At least this time my knees didn't give in. What could I do? I saw you turn, I turned away. It was a mixture of fear and repulsion. Curiosity brought my gaze back. It was you. why were you still here? i'm so glad everything's online. It was too much. fuck.

there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal. is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me.the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways. i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches. i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive????

No i don't want to keep doing this. sweep me away, let me float on out of this. everything feels so heavy. i'm going to miss this buffer. it's time to let go for a bit and try something else for a change. but really i'm just waiting to dissolve. the day will come.

as the years go by i close more and more windows, doors, anything that would give away the secrets. i have become so bitter. i have scars everywhere, my skin is thick and the memories of how my skin came to be stiffen my spine-i do not move. all these years, all these fucking years. the weight of what's meant to protect me in this world is holding me captive-i want to break free.

november, what can i say? half a year ago i was joking about the election results to hide the anxiety i felt at there being a chance that trumpudo would win. now i find myself trying to convince a family member that unity is the only way we stand a chance at overcoming whatever obstacles the future may bring. i understand their frustration with other family members. not everyone was born with the ability to connect the dots on their own. the easy thing to do is to get mad and release the fury-it feels great too but oh man i can't tell you how much it clouds my judgement. i'm sure acting on anger hinders their vision as well. voting is one thing, but isolating a family member that can't understand the hypocrisy in their actions can lead to radical changes-who else will offer them the "support" they need, that approval they seek? they're sitting ducks, potential pawns that may be used to "legitimize" a hateful cause. i feel like i should be talking to a deprogrammer. i've had this headache for three hours. i'm so sleepy but the fucking pain is keeping me up. what am i running away from? i run from one set of arms to another. i feel like i'm fleeing from my own shadow. am i really that ugly on the inside? there's been stagnant water within me for such a long time. i'm afraid of looking in. i'm scared. i am rotting from the inside. all the lies, i've become desensitized. i have to remember so much, and for what? why am i working so hard? these people only care about the skin on their back and down their pants. what do i care about? that's a great question. i can't answer that right now. i really don't know what i care about. i smoke to forget everything, i don't want to feel everything anymore. when i smoke i rest. no, it dulls all of my senses and i feel like i can breathe. sleep. eat. at peace. finally. i wake up feeling regret, guilt, shame, and emptier than before. there's my answer-i care about peace. it's painful to breathe. my position, i need to let go of unnecessary weight and move with the wind. i need to start from the inside and work my way out. i can't aim to break the wind, i must flow with the wind... inside out. once my insides are doing better i can address the outside..

i don't want to call it anything, i willed it and it happened. i did it. that's all. i don't think i feel anything right now, i'm not sure yet. i'm a narcissist. i am. i'm surprised, i am genuinley surprised. it's not rage, it's not frustration, and it's certainly not depression. i cannot define it. i do what i do and that's all that is. right now that is all that is. i feel a need to share it. there is no where i can without really upsetting something-the peace. this false peace. bull shit. that is no peace. all i can do is work one bit of the situation, one issue at a time. one angle today. one side of the leaf on the tree. i guess that's probably why i never drew leaves on my trees ahahaha. every part of the tree had to be just as special and balanced as the rest of the tree-i would have been too overwhelmed. i'll share this journal with them one day.

my fingers are tingly, i want to to color. my eyes want to close. i didn't think i would enjoy swimming. i can do this every day. i'm thinking about changing my diet. i feel like shit. i want to have more energy, i don't want to be this heavy either. i liked when i was leaner and agile. now i feel clumsy and stiff. i'm going to start working on my flexibility again. i want to be able to pistol squat better than i used to. i'm glad i can jump rope. i'm going to leave soccer again. i do miss everyone but the drive is too much. plus there are people that go that i know i shouldn't be around. i just want to left alone. friends don't want to fuck friends. there has been someone else on my mind. i guess it's just curiosity? either i'm wondering or it's a capricho of mine that i haven't dealt with yet. if i set my mind to an idea and i don't get it, i wait. sometimes i'm not even aware of it. i act and things fall on my pocket and i'm left shocked and surprised. i think i want to play a game right now. i do. i love puzzles. i don't have the energy to draw. my eyes want to close. i've been so lucky. is it luck? i don't know. y olvidarme de todo lo que hace sufrir, reptilectric no me arrepiento de nada. i'm done with that. hello pain. flood my body with lessons. i'm ready to let it go.

today was one of the most difficult days, i was so close to going back. i made it. tomorrow is a new day.

curtains were hung and no light shone through. silence. finally. it was then that i understood what everyone has been saying. we all have a light and we do what we want with that energy. i finally get it. i closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, thoughts flooded my mind. instead of running and numbing i asked why. all the answers i've been in search of were within me all along. i get it. embrace the visions, the feelings, and explore what's going on around yourself but do not become lost in other people's lives. remember to ask yourself why; become curious about why you do the things you do. you deserve to be at peace, to play, to learn, love and to be loved. put in the work first-find the answers for yourself. i love me. i forgive me. i will forgive those that have hurt me. i will ask for forgiveness and will plan to not repeat mistakes from the past. i will be mindful of myself. i forgive me. i forgive me. i forgive me.

i was doing so well.

the dreams are starting up again. it's all becoming too much. the doubts within me have so much weight. I'm having trouble breathing, I can't move. i can hear movement outside. i am not afraid.

i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain. when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this. what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?

this week i was asked to apply for a job; my bf's friend that had met me several months ago remembered me. it all happened so fast. tomorrow i'm going to call my supervisor and let her know, monday i'll let everyone else know it's my last day. i did feel welcomed for a bit, it's not worth it. i don't want to be under someone like that; i'm not a tool. when i'm ready i'll share more haha. i learned so much at this last job; kids are so bright and sensitive-genuine and if you give them the respect you would give adults(appreciate their differences and work with their temperament) they're fantastic to work with. the adults ahaha man, all i can say is look out for #1, you. that's what they're all doing. i'm actually sleepy. night.

where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding. where am i at and what do i want? i find myself daydreaming about running away. when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white. i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship. i am neither one or the other. i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged. i run and play with people that i respect. i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself. i have a cat and a dog, they're pals. i am light, i float. i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed. my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills. i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill. i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up. words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear. i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

this is what i'm in search of. i'm not home. my thoughts are everywhere. there is no order. i want to be in peace by my leg won't stop shaking and i can feel the fatigue. i just want to rest. as soon as i close my eyes the thoughts pile up and i don't remember my name. what's my name? this is what happens when you put things off. this is what happens when you're not ready. you're ready. no, this is what happens when you don't speak up. i don't know. i keep going back. i either go back or i find another vice. i'm going from person to person. if i can't have either i stop eating. control is what i'm after. change of perception is what i need. i'm not where i want to be. everytime i change my state I'm amazed at how screwed up my habits are. i can't believe this is me. i feel a whole lot of pain, shame, and guilt. all of this, wow, no one knows. there isn't a living soul that is aware of how dysfunctional i am. no one. i'm so afraid. what have i done. but no, get ready to smile. i am the rock. i am stable. i am organized. i am happy. i am confident. i am relaxed. i have a plan. i have a vision. my life matters. i have a purpose. fake it until you make it.