I don't know how many people I've told to start journaling this year. This year has to be recorded, it has to be documented for our future selves or maybe future historians to see and read and feel. Nicole texted me, using Siri while she was stuck in highway traffic, and said she wonders if she's more self-aware than others and if other people are self-aware at all. I told her she would really benefit from journaling and it's the only thing that has kept me out of a full-time mental institution for years, WHICH IS TRUE. And she's like "is this how you tell me that I'm mental?" And no, not really. Everyone should try to journal at least. Put pen to paper or fingers to keys and get those feelings out in a real, tangible way. Also, your friends aren't your therapists, ya know? I have three best friends and two of them are my platonic life mates, and I try really hard to not overload them with my feelings all the time. We talk about our struggles -- work shit, dating, their kids, the pandemic, isolation, etc. -- but the big stuff, the deeper shit has to go into a notebook that no one will ever read. I've always been that way, though. The lead singer of Eve6 has discovered Twitter in the last few weeks and it's been truly delightful. Today, he tweeted: "imagine if the worst diary entry you ever wrote as a teenager went double platinum." I'm going to take a random diary entry from when I started this thang. Brb........ Jan. 7, 2004: "And I also got dumped on the second day of the fucking year by a 15 year old who isn't in touch with his feelings or something and can't deal with a girl who has a few little problems. Grrr....this is annoying me. I just want someone." Seventeen years ago, not a fucking thing has changed. Haha.

On Dec. 10, 2008: "i just read over all the comments that people have left me in the last 4 and some odd years. Wow. For some reason I never thought people read and understood, but you did. You all understand... I wish we could all get together in a coffee house or all-night truck stop and talk about life. maybe some of us would finally get it." Here I am, 12 years after writing that post; 17 years from starting this blog; 39 minutes past my first deadline for a story I haven't started writing yet. How am I still the same person as I was all those years ago?

Welcome to Month 9 of Working From Home due to an International Health Crisis. What have I learned so far, you ask? So much, and nothing at all. Let's keep it going, yeah? Yeah.

I started this blog on Oct. 27, 2003. In 10 days, this blog will officially be 10 years old. I can't even fathom that. I can't believe I still believe my password! Either way, life is incredibly different since my last entry. Maybe on the 10-year anniversary, I'll post an update. This is fun. Ten years of thoughts, emotions, loves, laughs. All my secrets live here. And no one will ever know.

I might get caught. I thought I was being slick when I opened a Tumblr account to follow who I think is a former Thomas crush. Yes, because I'm an Internet stalker and I stalk

Wow. How relevant was that last entry? I've never been so happy to have a job to go to the morning after an almost break-up. Details later.

I had all the good intentions of leaving SitD in the new year. But I figured it's been almost seven years anyway. What's another three and then we can celebrate our 10-year anniversary together. I just had a thought. I'm not totally sure how to get it out there effectively. Love is... When the person you're with is the one you want to go on every vacation with. When he is the person you want to spend every night with. When the thought of spending a night away from him kills you inside. When you can't wait for bedtime, because you know you'll get to spend the night giggling. When the person you're with makes you feel like you belong. That's love. Even if my mother doesn't understand it. Even if it doesn't last forever, it's lasted long enough already for me to know what true love is. It's not a fairy tale. It's not what I always thought it was going to be. It's something that's cultivated yet natural. Happy, sad, exciting, boring, awake, asleep. Love is everything. And I have everything with Thomas. And yes, I know that I'm setting myself up for the most intense heartbreak I've ever know. But go big or go home, right?

Here I go again. Another stream of consciousness writing exercise so I can finally get my ass in gear. I really should get Internet... driving to Sertinos to hang out on FB which is what I do at work, is pretty fucking pointless. I could have stayed in bed way longer. Meh. I wish I could just write something! Argh! I want to be on vacation. Well I'll never get there if I don't get my ass to start working right fucking now. I'm seriously considering a new career. One that doesn't require being creative at 6 in the morning. Or being anything at 6 in the morning outside of the house. What about housewife? Mother? Teacher? Dog-walker? Freelance? How about just wife?

I talked to Chad on the phone earlier for a story. It was really odd. I don't think I've heard his voice in years. He sounds really young still. I guess I went from guy with a deep voice to another boyfriend with a deep twanged voice. Goddamn, I want to get fucked. And the fact that Thomas withheld his very noticeable erection from me yesterday bothers me. I wanted him last night and I never get it when I want it. I'm being such a child right now.

That last entry was supposed to look a lot better but the html work on this website has always been a bit screwy. Katy Perry makes a lot of sense. Even though her lyrics are simple, they're so very true. In my years as a Southeast Texan, I have survived four major hurricanes. When she says "After a hurricane, there's a rainbow," she's not lying. Summer 2010 was chaotic, like a hurricane. I left the former love of my life who was on the fast track to being easily one of the most successful people to ever graduate from PN-G to fall in love with a 20-year-old high school dropout who works at Lowe's. Thomas is the only thing I've ever gone with my gut on. And I am so glad that I did. Yeah, I miss Austin. I miss being in his life. I miss talking to him and I wish more than anything we could laugh about how stupid the Americanized Top Gear is going to be on the History Channel. I miss being able to call him at anytime and just see what he's up to. The things I don't miss? Not feeling like a priority in his life. Not feeling comfortable in his house. Not being able to kiss him in front of his family. Not having anything to do at his house because he didn't like to watch TV and was much more concerned with playing on the computer and Internet. I don't miss not being able to party when I want. I don't miss not being able to mack on girls if I want. I don't miss not having someone sleep with me in my bed every night. Am I saying that my and Thomas's relationship is perfect? No way. But we communicate. He knows when I've had a bad day. He holds me when I'm cold. He wakes up at 3 a.m. to let me under the covers and tell me "I love you baby" before he drifts back off to sleep. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me unprovoked everyday. I'm not saying that Austin was a bad boyfriend. He was wonderful. But he wasn't it. Thomas might be. I'm not sure. But I'm very excited to find out.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards One blow from caving in Do you ever feel already buried deep Six feet under scream But no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there's still a chance for you Cause there's a spark in you You just gotta ignite the light And let it shine Just own the night Like the Fourth of July Cause baby you're a firework Come on show 'em what your worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby you're a firework Come on let your colors burst Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own You don't have to feel like a waste of space You're original, cannot be replaced If you only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow And when it's time, you'll know You just gotta ignite the light And let it shine Just own the night Like the Fourth of July Cause baby you're a firework Come on show 'em what your worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby you're a firework Come on let your colors burst Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It's always been inside of you, you, you And now it's time to let it through Cause baby you're a firework Come on show 'em what your worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby you're a firework Come on let your colors burst Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!" Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

In need of another free writing exercise to get my ass in gear. I have one 10 inch story about EJ due like now. And another one about female bodybuilding due before I leave today... which will probably be around 7. Tomorrow is Boots on the Ground Tuesday. I'm annoyed by this now. I was excited and now I'm just annoyed. I never realized how much Monique reminds me of Maria. I cannot handle her being disappointed in me. It makes me want to cut. I wish I hadn't told Thomas I would stop cutting for him. Because I want to slice and dice tonight then take a shower, put some neosporin on and watch Roswell. Please God just let me write these two stories, do well tomorrow and get back on track. Please, please, please. Austin and Chris are Sara's boys now. Thomas, Matt and Ryan are my boys. Good news: Thomas and Matt stopped by Jessica's last night for Sunday. And it wasn't awkward. We might be able to be friends. And Marcus came to my party on Friday night. The party where I made out with every girl. It's kind of fucking ridiculous. Details tomorrow.

For those days we felt like a mistake, Those times when love's what you hate Somehow We keep marchin on For those nights that i couldn't be there, I've made it harder to know that you know That somehow We'll keep movin on Theres so many wars we fought Theres so many things we're not But with what we have I promise you that We're marchin on We're marchin on For all of the plans we made There isn't a flag I'd wave Don't care where we've been I'd sink us to swim We're marchin on We're marchin on For those doubts that swirl all around us For those lives that tear at the seams We know Were not what we've seen Oh For this dance we move with each other There aint no other step Than one foot Right in front of the other Oh Theres so many wars we fought Theres so many things we're not But with what we have I promise you that We're marchin on We're marchin on For all of the plans we made There isn't a flag I'd wave Don't care where we've been I'd sink us to swim We're marchin on We're marchin on Right Right Right Right Left Right Right Right Right Left Right Right Right Marchin On We'll have the days we break And we'll have the scars to prove it We'll have the bomb that we saved And we'll have the heart Not to lose it For all of the times we fought For all of the things i'm not Oh! You put one foot in front of the other We go where we go we're marchin on Marchin on Theres so many wars we fought Theres so many things we're not But with what we have I promise you that We're marchin on We're marchin on Right Right Right Right Left Right Right Right Right Left Marchin On Marchin on

I want to get married. I want to be married. I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mommy. I don't want to work. I want to be a housewife. I want to work out two hours a day. I want to weigh 130 pounds. I want Thomas to be able to pick me up and be able to throw me. I want the universe to tell me what's going on. I want to know my future. I want him to act like I'm the only girl in the world. I want him to want me so bad that it makes him physically ill. I want him to think of me and it keep him up at night. I want him to propose. I want to move in with him. I want to christen my new bed with him. I want to have children with him. I want to make him mine forever. I want the power back. I want him to make me cum again. It was too fast this morning. I wasn't entirely conscious yet.

I love you baby and I always will. I want to be with you. I'll do anything to keep you. YOU ARE MY LIFE. YOU ARE WHAT I WANT.

I'm suffocating in my own memories. I really need to quit Facebook. It's making me physically ill. I need to take some ADD medicine so I can focus on what needs to be focused on. Like my work. That's due in an hour. That I haven't started yet. I hate this. I hate all of it. I can't stand being at work and feeling like this. Friday was fine. I'm not sure why it was so fine. I found out the night before that my boyfriend is indeed talking to other girls via FB and text. And it's not entirely PG 13. I'm probably going to pick up a drug habit soon. Seriously. This shit hurts. It hurts so bad. I just want to not feel anymore. He makes me feel so good. And that gives him the power. I need the power back. I had the power with Austin. I wonder if I'll go bat-shit crazy like the girl in High Tension. Where I have a complete psychological break from consciousness. I hope I don't kill anyone that doesn't deserve it. I really want to get over this. I really want to talk to Thomas about it again. I really want to talk to Austin about anything. I really want my life back.

I think I made the biggest mistake of my life. Figures that the first big decision that I made completely on my own would be the absolute wrong one. No one will ever love me like Austin did. Emphasis on the DID. Past tense. He'll never love me again. He'll never want to be with me again. Even if he did take me back, it would never be the same. I wish we could both get amnesia. And live in a different place and find each other again. I know I was the dumper but I really want to go through whatever Jim Carrey went through in Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. So I can forget all of the good things. Every good thing that he ever did for me. Every sweet thing that came out of his mouth. The way his hands felt in mine. The way he smelled when we were laying in bed together. The way he held me and how comfortable I was with him. I'll forget how willing he was to make me happy. And how happy he was just to make me happy. And the way he looked at me when I broke his heart in a million pieces. I want to forget that. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate this. I really, really, really wish upon a million times that I hadn't gone back to Thomas's house that Saturday. I really wish I had the willpower to get through it and work things out with Austin. I really wish that I could take it all back and go back in time. Can I be a little kid again? Can I please go back to being 22? Can I please go back in time to May 2010? I just want to take it all back. aklsdjfal;sdkjfa;ldkjf a;dsufoiajsdlkfjasdiuptwiuertalksjd;ja opisdu qw09eurosdhf98y0ti8u3-985-2032qow09w09ww948502198352ueaskdf;aljd adoijaskdjflakjdf.sdf sdijowiejr. If I can't take it back, I want to die.

Pearl by Katy Perry She is a pyramid But with him she's just a grain of sand This loves too strong like mice and men Squeezing out the life that should be let in She was a hurricane But now she's just a gust of wind She used to set the sails of a thousand ships Was a force to be reckoned with She could be a statue of liberty She could be Joan of Arc But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her So he keeps her in the dark Oh she used to be a pearl Ohh yeah she used to rule the world Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself Cause she used to be a pearl She was unstoppable Moved fast as like an avalanche But now she’s stuck deep in some man Wishing that they never ever met She could be a statue of liberty She could be a Joan of Arc But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her So he keeps her in the dark Oh She used to be a pearl Ohh yeah she used to rule the world Ohhhh can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself Cause she used to be a Do you know that there’s a way out There’s a way out There’s a way out There’s a way out You don’t have to be held down Be held down Be held down Be held down Cause I used to be a shell... Yeah I let him rule my world My world Ohhh yeah But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on And No one can take my pearl You don’t have to be a shell No You’re the one that rules your world Ohh You are strong and you’ll learn That you can still go on And you’ll always be a pearl She is unstoppable

When we move in together, we will have each other always. We'll never be stressed or lonely becuz we'll always be there. You'll always have me no matter what. Don't worry about me, okay? I'll wait for you forever. I AM OFFICIALLY THE WORST PERSON ON THE FUCKING PLANET. That was the last part of an email I wrote Austin 5 years ago. I didn't wait for him forever.

Short update: I broke up with Austin last Tuesday. All of my friends except for SV, TK, LK and LB hate me. Oh yeah and MM because he's TM's cousin. I'm dating TM and I fell hard for him. I can't really fathom how to this happened. I just know I'm not making it up. It's there. Whatever it is, it's there. My life is completely different. People are calling me selfish, stupid, a bitch, uncaring, the whole shebang. My reputation has been flushed down the toilet. I knew this would happen. And I don't care anymore. I am who I am. I'm making myself happy. Breaking up with Austin was the best thing I've done for MYSELF in years. I have to focus on making myself happy, not others. Being with TM is making me happy. When it stops making me happy, I'll end it. 23 years into life and I'm finally strong enough to do that. I am the determining factor to my own destiny. P.S. I'm having more sex than I have ever had in my entire fucking life. Wowza.