This is a chapter of my life that I've closed. Or at least, I've wanted to. I don't want to share this diary with people. There's too much in it. Too many feelings and secrets that new friends need not know about. Two days after my previous entry said marvelous girl and I broke up. That was a horrible experience for me. I've got other things in mind now, though. So, I don't plan to be updating much more until I can create a new diary. Like I've done with two other diaries, this chapter needs to come to a close. :)

Well, it's amazing how much a person can change in a matter of three months. My life has gone upside down and inside out, I swear. I'm currently dating this marvelous girl but I haven't ruled out those previous boys as friends. Even though they basically used me. I wouldn't want to lose their friendships, as awful as that sounds. I've got a voice and I'm learning how to use it. How to stick up for myself, how to take care of myself. I'm looking out for me and it feels really good. I've still got to figure out what I'm going to do with my home situation, though. I don't understand why we just cannot make things work here... =/ I've got no alternative, though.

Whenever I become emotionally close to a guy he ends up abruptly leaving for reasons unbeknownst to me. It's really starting to hurt.

It seems that everybody on this site says the same thing. Those who probably do have half-decent things to say make their diaries private. Why is that? Everybody wants everybody else. But in this world at the same time nobody cares about anybody else.

No new diary. I can't find where to go create a new diary? If somebody would like to show me, it'd be much appreciated. I have things I'd like to bring up, but I'll finish this entry later.

I counted his heartbeats. I'm such a jerk. I'm good at ruining those potential "moments". I do it on purpose. Surprise, surprise. I'm at a new chapter in my life, maybe I should make a new sitidary account. I think I'll do that. Right now.

La dee da. When he hugs me I'm at the height to hear his heartbeat. Makes me feel like a nurse. Next time I'll try counting. Doesn't seem normal, though. James and I. I think that's why we aren't together-together. Maybe we both know it wouldn't work out. So we just kiss each other, or something? I don't know. I guess we're just transition sluts for each other or something. That's his nice way of saying friends with benefits maybe.

My self esteem just dropped about 27 points.

So he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend, but he asked me to get in his backseat. I didn't do anything I'd regret, though. We kept our pants on. Thank goodness. Now I'm just going insane =/

This song actually is fitting for this entry. I don't know if James asked me to be his girlfriend, or just to be friends with benefits, but I told him to ask me again after he takes me out to ice cream, whenever that is. I don't want to be friends with benefits with anyone. I'm going to get into a fucking relationship, and I'm not going to think twice about it. I'm tired of this shit. I won't think about you anymore! I won't get sad when I think of you with other people. I'll focus on my fucking self. I'll pay attention to my happiness. I'LL CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE.

The way my own body works and whatnot. It's ridiculous. Thanksgiving begins in 38 minutes. I am thankful that I have people that care about me, and a sweatshirt, meals when I please, all that jazz. I'm thankful for oxygen. Everything in my life is so systematic. I wake up and go to school and I come home at exactly 2:28. Every day. And my sister comes home at 2:47. That's what time I used to come home in middle school, too. Some things just don't change. I don't have my nightmares anymore, but I can't get my words out right. I read words and the letters change themselves. My friend tried telling me I had schizophrenia the other day, but she's wrong. Simple as that. "She is wrong" Hah.

Damien, do you still read this? Lemme know if you do. So the boy I was crushing over liked me, and then next thing I know I see him holding hands with some other girl. AND I found out that the two people that are mutual friends with both of us knew about it...and were afraid to tell me...and were keeping it this big secret like they were afraid it would hurt me or something. That's what hurts me. I mean it was pretty shitty finding that out...but whatever. It made me want to cry knowing that they'd rather keep something secret than just being up front and figuring things out. I don't want to be left out in the dark.

I don't know why I do the majority of anything. Words I say or more often the words I don't say, the music I read and books I listen to. The complex, fucked and twisted way I purposely make things. All in an attempt to lose you. You're still there. Every fucking cell reeks of you and the seed that once was is dead long gone. You. You are a part of me. Not that 'better half' cliche bullshit. The vermin that eats my soul little by little. I never used to be mean. I never knew. I never pushed anyone away. My ignorance and innocence shatterd and replaced by compassion and a broken rose-colored lens. I see what really goes on. I'm not gorgeous or saccharine sweet. I have a voice and I'm learning how to use it. I am only human and though I'm not as powerful or wealthy or fucking attractive, I have determination. I will make a difference. [Insert sketches of veins here] That's what you get during a free morning period.

Happiness is amazing. Something needs to come from it though!! All this ridiculous smiling and waving like I'm handicapped doesn't get me far. As long as I'm happy though I shouldn't complain. Woo. Let's spin around in circles in the rain and then fall into the puddles. But as long as we've got our rainboots and laughter it's okay.

I've got an attraction to a boy, finally. It's refreshing. AND GUESS WHAT?! HE'S A GOOD GUY! He's ridiculously intelligent [taking the college courses already that I plan on taking next year], really cute [I guess he's halfway asian, but I would've never known...hahaha], and he's got this crazy sense of humor, and the most amazing smile I've seen. He found my tickle spot. AND I'm going to play video games with him. He bought my bus ticket today and we bought bubble tea and played air hockey in the arcade, and then some shooting game even though we both suck and hardly got past area level 2. :D He plays Super Nintendo at his house. I guess he lives 7 minutes away from me walking distance. So I'm going to go over and beat him sometime. He doesn't know that yet, though. I'm really happy.

Uh So James is friends with my brothers now, and he is/was in my house just now. I go downstairs with my baby sister and I see him. Now my heart's beating ridiculously fast. I don't see why, though. Whatever. I feel like puking. Asian trail mix mixed with soda and m&ms and chocolate chip cookies and water. Bad combo.

Nothing. Status: currently breathing. Give me an event that'll make my heart stop. I want to see something new, something exciting.

My emotion's have gone haywire in the past week. I cried myself to sleep on my birthday, and then on the 24th, and then on the 25th. I don't even remember why I did on the 24th. I just remember punching myself repeatedly in the face to calm me down. Now I've got a bruise and a cut below my right eye. I also cut some hair, I don't know what good any of that did me. I'm fine, though. I like it when it feels like people care about me. Even if they really don't. I like the way they act like it. If it's all sincere, then it's that much greater. I found the two pictures of Madison and MacKenzie that I have. I got sad. I need to find them. I think about that every now and again. What I'll do or even say to them if I see them. I was thinking about waiting longer than those two years. Waiting until Madison is old enough to understand where I came from and why I came from Washington to Alaska to find the both of them. There's no way a 7 or 8 year old would understand that. I worry and think too much. Stop it.

I have a steak knife in my room and I hurt myself tonight.

People fucking die in this world all the time, and we're consumed by our cameras and hopes that people give two flying fucks about us. God damn. Whatever happened to compassion??? Rest in peace Nichole Sanders.