I hate change.. i hate it so much.. I dont know why, but i just hate it when things change. people change, ur life changes, things change, people move, feelings change, things between 2 people change.. and i dont liek it at all. it sucks really. I know that soemtimes things change for the better, but not everything, and thats why i just dont like it. I mean.. okay, the reason im complaining about this is because something is changing between me n someone i care so much about.. i lvoe him so much, and i dont wanna like.. not be able to talk to him anymore. And were starting to liek change... but sometimes things change without u even noticing, and i tihnk i finally notcied.. but they havent. I just miss our conversations, i miss the one time we actually did anything. Its wierd.. how u take things for granted, and then when they like fgade away.. u really miss them. I dont want to try and keep things the same though, because theres a reason there changing... and i shouldnt mess with that. i just miss them.. even when i called there, to ask him to do something with me n my friend, and just hearing his voice made me happy.. but he had to go, and that wus it. We dont talk that much anymore, and he dusnt care like he did before. Well.. i just hope things change, i mean i go back to school on the 8th.. so things could get better then. I'm going to lethbridge today.. my dads coming soon.. so ive gotta go pack. Jakes coming home soon! umm.. there whole football team wus on tv last night, on sportscentre.. it wus cool lol. Thats about it, umm.. oh im going to vancouver with maria on monday for a week.. its gonna be awsome! i love that biatch lol haha.. anyways.. ive gotta go x0x0x0x "ive had u so many times.. but somehow i want more"

My friends make me happy... lol and i havent seen them as much, and yesterday.. jake brad n talyor called me and asked if i wanted to hang out with them, and i really wanted to.. but i said id call them back, cus my mouth really hurt, and my cheek wus so swollen so i had to grab some ice.. lol but they ended up just walking over, at first i liek freaked out, cus i didnt want them to come.. but i wus so glad they did. lol.. so we just started walking, and i had my hand on my cheek for liek 10 minutes, and then i jsut decided i didnt care, there some of my really good friends... and they didnt care, lol and i didnt after a while either. We walked all the way to the bridge.. and jake n brad had jumped off it already, and i really wanted to.. it just looks liek so much fun, and it would be sucha rush.. but the weather wusnt the best.. and i didnt wanna go in first.. so we were there for liek an hour,,just talking.. and having fun. There the funniest kids, lol i love them.. they always make me so happy. Brad had got off the bridge and walked into the river, and wus just floating around... so i wus leaning ovr the railing, and jake came an put his arms around me, lol and pretended to liek push me in.. but then he pulled me back, and we jsut started talking.. like we use to.. all the time. and i liked it. They've all grown alot.. brads huge, jakes taler too.. same with taylor, but not as much. umm.. oh, we finally decided we werent gonna jump, cus it wus kindah cold.. so jake n talyor got on the bikes, n started going, n i wus wlakig with brad.. and while he wus putting his clothes back on[he had his boxers on lol] i convinced him to come jump with me.. but we didnt end up doing it lol. So we walked off the bridge, but they hid his shoes.. so brad went to get them, and jake told me to get on the pegs of his bike.. so i did.. lol and we all road to this huge rock, and just sat there waiting for brad. They told me something brad had told them... it kinda made me mad.. cus it wusnt true, and.. idunno i dont wanna be known for things liek that.. but i just forgot about it, it didnt bug me.. cus they knew it wusnt true. But then brad came, and so we sat there n talked n stuff.. lol n then we went over to my house.. and i gotta ride on jakes pegs.. but i kept falling, lol so then i sat on the handle bars, it wus fun lol. Hmm.. then i gave up, and just walked with taylor.. and we talked.. lol i just really missed talking to all them, taylor evn seems like hes like... gotten older. lol its wierd, hes just way more open, at least with me he is. umm.. we got to my house, n were jumping on the tramp, stuff happened... lol brad had this idea that wed go in the shed for two minutes.. it wus kinda pointless lol, my cheeks were so swollen, and i have stitches in my mouth, and i didnt wanna do anything... so nothing happened.. i wus kinda happy. it wus stupid lol, but then we just all started talking.. again. i know it sounds like thats all we did.. but it wus so much fun. They told me so much, lol.. i learned soo much. They told me like.. all their fantasies.. lol, and like the things theyd like in a girlfriend, lol it wus funny. I kinda understood it, lol.. and i got what went wrong before with like.. tehre relationships.. and mine. We got into this one topic.. lol, and it lasted really long... and they told me all there experiences lol.. im not gonna say it tho, it could get embaressing. its a normal thing lol.. but then we started jumping, and it wus cold n sorta dark, lol so jake wrapped his arms around me n we were jumping liek that.. lol i missed him. N then he had to go home cus he had to pack for quebec the next day. God there so funny though.. i love them. Taylor n brad stayed, n we went inside.. and had ice cream, lol and i hadda put frozen peas on my cheek, lol.. but i didnt care. And we kept talking.. i think last night wus the most ive laughed in a really long time. I know its not good to be dependent on someone or some thing to make u happier.. but this works for me. lol I know this is probably the most boring, n longest entry, but i had fun, and i felt liek writing it all down.. not for everyone to read lol I realized so much last night.. i wus stupid, when the chances i had.. ended, i thought most of it wusnt my fault. But i realized.. why everything happened the way it did. I realized why it didnt work out, and why he acted the way he did. Sometimes uve just gotta realize what the other persons thingking, and i try to think about that.. but i couldnt understand how something so good.. could become horrible. I kind of gave up after a while.. i dont know what it is that keeps me holding on, its almost as if.. ugh i dont know.. i just always hold on a little bit, evrytime..through everything that happens. and last night, i realized that im still doing it. Later, i talked to jake again, and we had the best talk lol. hah, it wus so mcuh fun. Were taking charge lol.. were gonna find someone, and have fun, we gave tiips.. and were gonna mke it last lol. The only thing that bugged me, wus that i think i know who id want that person to be.. but i dont know if i can do that again, i mean.. we talked alot.. things were said, but i held back a bit.. this problee makes no sence.. but i had fun.

God! What the hell is going on.. my parents finally stopped about moving, and all of the sudden my grampa calls today, and says hes got some new land and a huge house or something.. but its like hlaf n hour outside of calgary... god, i hate this.. i dont want to move..at all. Why dusnt anyone get that, god.. i hate it so mcuh. I dont wanna leave here, i lveo it here.. all my friends live here, and ughh.. i just liek it. I actually liek it.. i mean i never wanted to move from lethbridge, but.. i really like it here now, i miss it there sometimes... but im usually really happy here. So why do they want to move all over again, i mean god.. it sounds liek a freaking farm.. i swear, theres 5 horses there already... and ugh, i dont care about money or anythign, i just dont want to move... i dont want to move out of riverbend, i wouldnt even mind moving to a bigger house in riverbend, but i do not want to move away from here. UGHHHH i hate this... me n my brother are the only ones who dont want to move anywhere... and thats the only reason we havent moved anywhere yet... ugh i hate this... when something bad happens to me, evrything happens all at once.. i try not to complain, but ugh.. all this stuff with my family, n my dad.. evrythings coming back up with him.. i havent seen any of my friends lately, and there the ones who like.. take my head out of everything, i just miss them all.. it sounds liek there all having fun tho.. so i dunno.. i dont have much more to say except i get my wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow... im not that scared anymore, i wus... but theres worse things that could happen right? xoxox

Ughh.. i really dont liek my whole layout stuff, im getting sick of the pink. lol anyways.. umm i just got home yesterday. It wus really fun in BC. I met some reall cool people, and we went swimming like evry day..! I gotta huge tan, but i have the worst tan lines lol.. Umm amy came out to see us for two days, it wus awsome lol we had some fun... looking for the guys haha.. anyways, umm we went go karting this one night, and the same guy that wus there last year wus there this year, and he wus sooo hot lol.. and we were joking aroud n stuff while we were waiting in line.. and then i asked which wus the fastest car, lol and i got it..a nd i won, the rest of the cars werent to good lol.. but the guy came out and raced with us in liek the middle of it, and it wus so much fun lol.. after we raced there were no more people, and my family n amys family were going mini golfing, and i didnt feel like going.. cus theyd only let a couople people go at a time, so we wouldnt have even got to all go together, so i wus sitting outside just waiting.. lol and the guy n the other person running the go karts asked if i wanted ice cream! lol so i got some for free,a nd we just sat n talked... lol it wus nothing, but i just missed talking to guys, lol cus i hadent seen much until then lol.. i miss all my friends, sooo much. lol but he wus nice.. and ill problee never see him again, but its all g ood, it wus fun. lol. Hmmm... the rest of my time there wus pretty fun, lol.. an i dont feel liek wirintg much more, so im gona go.. xoxox

Hmm.. nothing much has really happened, im just bored. Im leaving for bc tomorrow... itll be fun, lol i hope.. ugh i think thats about all thats new. Ive been listening to vindicated sooo mcuh, by dashboard.. lol hmm, im just saying whatevers coming to my mind. umm, i went to this chyroprtic guy, but he dusnt work with ur back.. only ur neck, and he just liek touches it... and it puts evrything in alignment.. lol, and idunno my back feels way better, which is pretty good. Umm, idunno im really happy right now.. lol i wusnt today, evrything seemed to be going wrong, but yepp i am right now.. lol i think im gonna go on a diet, haha lol.. idunno not some like super huge one, but ugh... i just hate the way i look sometimes, and im not playing soccer right now, so i have liek no training at all.. im just gonna start eating good.. hmm i guess thats it. im done. xoxox

Raver Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

[Your..] *name: Chelsey *age: 14..now lol *siblings: 2brothers.3half sisters.2step brothers *eyes: umm there blu.green.brown, but not hazel..its wierd *height: 5'5 *bad habits: biting my nails.. *hair: brownish blonde *Sign: leo *your best feature: lol i dont like answering this, ughhh... hmm, my eyes lol who knows [What is your favorite..] *gum: the yellow trident stuff *restaurant: mm...problee the keg *drink: pina coladas *season: summer *type of weather: hot *emotion: happy *thing to do during spare time: hang out with my friends.. n soccer *late-night activity: talk on msn *sport: soccer *Loaction: I love florida *store: aritzia.bluenotes.ae.below the belt *Band: matchbook romance.tbs.dashboard.metallica.nofx *Singer: Christina aguilera *type of music: umm a mix.. emo.metal.hiphop. some r n b... lots [When was the last time you..] *cried: umm a few days ago *played a sport: umm liek 2 days ago *laughed: today *hugged someone: today *kissed someone: umm.. its been..a bit *felt depressed: before my trip *felt elated: i have no clue what that means *felt overworked: not for a while lol *faked sick: dont remember *lied: hmm.. im not sure [What was the last..] *sentence you said: ok see ya *thing you ate: frozen strawberries lol *song you listened to: dashboard - vindicated *thing you drank: water *place you went to: the football practice *movie you saw in theatres: hmm.. white chicks *movie you saw at home: umm, i watched spice world.. lol i wus so bored it wus late *movie you rented: butterfly effect.. nvr got to watch it tho *concert you attended: metallica song that was stuck in your head = dip it low [Who was the last person you..] *hugged: umm jake ha *cried over: hmmm.. i havent for a bit *kissed: lol.. ugh, problee jake, its been a while *danced with: once again...jake *shared a secret with: umm.. jessie *had a sleepover with: linh or maria *called: the canadain idol line..voted 4my *cousin lots lol im sucha loser *saw: jessie *were angry with: dont remember..hmm oh *couldn't take your eyes off of: lol one of my friends.. *obsessed over: umm... the last person, hmm, not sure if it wus obsessive, but problee alex or jake.. lol *missed: some of my friends *recieved advice from: alex.. hes so good with that stuff *song stuck in your head: dip it low.. n pieces of me.. i always get those stuck in my head spent the day with: taylor, jessie n jake [Have you ever..] *danced in the rain: umm, lol problee *kissed someone: yepp *done drugs: nope *drank alcohol: yepp..not tuns *slept around: nope *partied: lol yepp *had a movie marathon: cant remember *gone too far on a dare: mmm...not really *spun until you were immensely dizzy: lol yah *taken a survey quite like this before: lol yepp, whenever i get bored *skinny dipped: aw nope *been drunk: nope lol *gotten a tatoo: nope *gotten piercings: yepp *wanted more: oh umm, i want my nose pierced.. maybe my belly button, and umm i wanna small tatto later maybe, not yet tho *snuck out: lol..yepp [Would you consider yourself..] *nice: yepp *mean: ughh..not really, i try so hard not2 be *happy: most of the time *outgoing: ive been way more lately *an optimist: ugh, im not sure what it is *a pessimist: no clue..? *caring: yepp! *trustworthy: mm hmm *a neat freak: nooo.. lol i really need help w ith that *aggrivating: ughh, i dont think so *good looking: probably not.. but i wouldnt say im super ugly.. idunno *ugly: average.. lol i have no clue *skinny: i wish i wus more.. but its all good i guess *caring: i care alot for lots of people.. lol so sure, i just hate hurting people feelings.. thats like my biggest peeve thing in the world *hateful: ughh.. nope *self centred: nope.. i dotn think i am, i wouldnt want to be ----------------------------------- i wus sooo bored xox

I had so much fun today..! lol i didnt have like some huge party or anything but it wus just fun... maria wus gonna come over, but she called and wus like puking n stuff..*get better*..anywas she couldnt come.. and i wusnt really planning no doing nything else yet, so i went on the tramp..and jake came by my yard, and we talked for a c ouple minutes, and we ended up having a water fight lol.. he wus gonna give me a rose, hah lol.. but we nvr went anywhere, so he ended up giving me flowers from some persons garden lol haha.but still, i liked them.. it wus funny.. umm taylor came ovr to, and we still had this h uge water fight, n jumped on the tramp.. it wus fun though.. but jake kept like telling us to get on our knees, and lye on our stomachas or hed like spray us, lol.. sounds stupid.. but i guess u had to be there, we kept like fighting for the hose, lol.. but it wus all good..umm n then we went inside n used the sauna.. n it got sooo hot, lol .. jake ended up like falling asleep lol, adn they kept drawing on my david beckham pictures, so we started like fighting on the bed, lol i sound like sucha loser.. it wus fun though, i didnt want them to touch my pictures, lol david beckhams cool..even if there old pictures. Hmm, oh then jessie came over with my present! its awsome.. lol i love it so much!! We had some more fun, and then jake n taylor had to leave 4 football practices.. but we ended up going anyways.. an that wus fun too! it wus me bailey, kt, jess, jessie n britt! lol there so fun.. I didnt do a whole lot.. but i had fun, lol i missed seeing them. I really wanan get my learners now.. i evn read the book while we were dricving to arizona n stuff.. lol i couldnt belive i actually read it. okay, well i guess im done.. oh umm alex, i hope ur eye gets all better.. and tessa u too.. that really sucks. ox chels

Hmmm.. todays my brithday! lol im so excited.. but i dont feel like typing lots, so ill be on later xox

When i lived in lethbridge, i had a best friend... i had so many close friends, and then i left that all behind.. and i hate change more than anything in the world. But when i moved, things got better.. and ive got some really awsome friends, who i really wouldnt want to leave.. there so awsome, and i love them so much.. but ive got lots of good friends, and i dont have a best friend. I mean, ive got some super close friends, who i love soooo much, but theyve already got there best friends.. and idunno, i dont just have like one "really close group" of best friends, cus im always hanging out with everyone. So iduno.. its wierd. At school, theres always gonna be "groups." And grade 7, its wus everyone.. grade 8 it wus guys. and girls.. and i wus always inbetween, whilee veryone else stayed in there groups.. and idunno i wus talking to one of my friends, and she said that some of the girls felt that i liked the guys more, now idunno.. i mean its not that i like naymore less or more, i just.. ive known the guys longer, and truthfully.. i always feel out of place with the whole group of girls, idunno.. theyve already got there group.. and everyone just lables me as the nice one.. that theyll just let be there... i mean, idunno.. i just always feel out of place.. so i go hang out with the guys, but then.. its like they get mad, and they all want to. so i dont see why they dont... Ughh gosh, were note ven in school yet, and this dosnt matter out of school, i just really wanna best friend again.. im not saying i dont have really good friends, like linh.. i love you, weve been friends for so long, and id consider u one of my best firnds, lol but then uve got ur best firends in lethbridge... and then jessie. lol gosh i love u to death, ur so awsome.. but uve got mia.. and mias awsome! i dotn have anything against her, and u guys are awsome, so dont take this the wrong way. An maria, i love her to.. but shes got all her new friends.. and like idunno, girls at school, mac n kris n bailey n stuff, theyve all got there best firends too..l ol im just there. its wierd, i guess imjust complaining. Sometimes i think my best friends a guy, lol.. but, i want a girl lol. maybe i have one, maybe people are allowed to have mroe then one?.. lol who knows, but im just blabbering on, so im gonna go x0x chels

Hmm... my trip wus pretty good. lol i have the wierdest tan lines... theres so many differnt ones, i look likea tiger lol.. its oaky tho. Anyways, about my trip.. the part i really didnt want to experience, wus the best. The familey reunion. WOW... its so retarted because i really didnt wanna go, but i met so much more people this year, and my cousins are so freaking awsome. I get all shy every second year at those things.. and i wus just standing there, behind my dad, eating a snow cone.. lol, when this guy just like tapps me on the shoulder and was like "hey..hows it going!" like he knew me?! but i really had no clue who he wus.. and it hought he thought i wus my older sister, cus everyone always gets us mixed up.. but we kept talking, and he asked who i wus lol.. and he was so awsome. Hes so funny, lol.. his name jordan.. he wus like my friend the whole time there.. hes like 18 though.. but hes so nice to evryone gosh. lol, hes got 5 brothers, and 1 sisters.. and there all so awsome. Umm, we played tuns of football, lol, and volleyball, and this fresh game.. ummm oh n mafia! lol it wus fun.. there were lots of games. umm, we went tubing! lol that was so awsome.. there were a couple of the "cousins" floating down the river together.. and jordan told me some big story about how "poisonous" and dangerous beavers were, lol and i wus scared, lol cus i believed him, which is stupid..cus i know there not.. i wus like right on top of my tube.. cus i didnt wanna let a beaver touch me lol.. i wus like paranoid, which is so stupid.. but he kept telling me there were beavers, and i fell in. lol it wus so cold.. but it wus fun. Umm.. idunno, the rest of my familys pretty fun too i guess.. lol ltos of them pretend to know u lol.. but i love my cousins.. lol i really msis them.. lol im sucha loser, but i do. I just had so much fun with them, and wow..jordan is just the most amazing guy in the world.. we spent so much time together, and he wus just soo nice to me, and idunno..he just cared about everyone. There wus this one night, where i got in this fight with my dad n his wife... and i wus so mad, well not mad.. just sad, and frusturated... its a long story, but it went on forever.. and i finally started crying, and i just dontl iek her even more for it, she runs his life, but im not gonna get into that.. so im walking down the hall to my room at night, and jordans like "hey.are u gonna come downstaris n play mafia" and i said idunno.. and i tryed tos ound like i wusnt crying.. and.. well, we just sat down in the hall, and started talking.. and he gave me this hug, and i just felt so.. idunno how to describe it, it wus just awsome, to know someone cared lol.. i dont like him or anything, gosh.. i know some people say its just a cousin, but its nto like that at all... he wus like a best friend.. cus im never sure if i really have one anymore.. but im not gonna get into that. But after i stopped crying, we ended up playing mafia, and i was mafia every single time.. lol anyways... thats about it. I miss my cousins, they made me happy, lol.. and jornda, i just wish there were more people like him.. i need someone, its wierd.. cus i dont want to be dependent on people to make me happy, i just realized that i am way happier.. when i have someone with me, who actually cares.. lol i just cant wait till the next 2 years. Lots of them are morman, lol.. tuns of u problee donte ven know what that is, but there like all religous i guess.. cus its a kind of religon.. and idunno, i use to be all religous, and i still do belive in god.. but sometimes, id tihnk people were "over-religous".. but idunno, this is onna sound wierd, but i kind of miss like.. being religous. lol they all seemed to just be happy, and they were just normal, and funny, and nice.. and i problee just dont like them so much because of this, but it wus just cool lol. kay now i sound liek a loser, but whatever i dont care lol. Gosh, i really miss him though.. i hope the next 2 years go by really quickly.. cus i wanna go back.

Im leaving today, lol.. i really dont wanna go though. We havta go to some fmaily reunion.. but theres so many people at them that i dont know.. lol like 800, i swear. Hmm.. itll all work out i guess, lol.. its in utah, and we getta go to like california n stuff, so thatll be pretty fun. lol anyways... i havent got much to say, i just really dont feel like driving everywhere.. lol, i wanna stay here, cus i wus gonna do all this stuff with my friends, lol that can wait. I really wanna see some people tho.. lol really badly.. but weve only hung out like twice or somethig, lol.. hmm ill problee just call them when i get home.. i dont knwo if i should tho. lol ugh, i not gonna worry about it right now. Hmmm, well i guess thats it. im gonna be home in like 10 days.. things have been kinda wierd lately with everyone, so maybe itll be all normal when i get back lol. Ohh, jessie.. im like peeling, lol from when we went to the breach.. hah its funny. lol kay, i think thats about it.. i dont have much to say.. hava good summer! o chels x

Thigns are different.. lol i can tell. I guess its just suppose to be this way.. idunno, i guess it wus fun while it lasted. Hes a good guy, so whatevers gonna happen, is for the best i guess. I just want him to be happy. Umm.. theres football today guys! lol im so excited, i love those things.. umm, we found out what was wrong with my back.. lol i have like an extra "vertabrae" lol.. ur only sposta have 5 of them in ur back bone, and i have 6...oops i already said this on the last entry i think.. hmmm who knows.. anyways, lol its messing things up. Umm, thats about it really.. i had my last soccer game last night, and i only gotta play like 10 minutes cus my back hurt alot. lol.. but its all good, now ive got the rest of the summer.. and no soccer for like 6 weeks! Hmm, thats about all ive got to say right now.. kay, im done lol xox chels

There wus some comment about .."Throwing my life away, just 2impress a guy." Umm, okay.. i guess from some of my entrys, when im like super bored, and just thinking about everything, and how much i wish things could change, i guess it could seem like that. but idunno, im not gonna worry so much about it. I mean, im not throwing my life away, im putting my thoguhts, on one entry.. about how i wish things were differnt. Idunno why the comment bugged me so much, but i just wanted to say that. Umm anyways, about changing and stuff.. i think im gonna try n be more positive. Like.. idunno, i guess ive got it pretty good.. ive problee got the same problems tuns of other people have.. and the only diffference is.. i write about them on here. So idunno.. lol, its confussing. I just, idunno.. im happy today lol. Last night, lol was like one of the first times i snuck out by myself. lol.. im sucha rebel, haha god. lol its wus stupid though.. cus brad, jake, and kevin called me at like 10:00 and asked me if i wanted to meet them at 12, lol and i wus so super bored, and havent seen them for a while, so i decided i wus gonna lol. Umm, so at 12.. i wus going out my window.. and brad was in my yard, and i freaked out lol cus i thought it wus my parents. But we started walking out of my yard, and all the lights in my house turned on... god lol i wus so scared, but we jsut kept going.. and went to kevs. It wus fun, lol.. we havent all hung out for a while so it wus fun, lol but it didnt last all too long, cus well.. we had left kevins house, but decided to go back n get sumthing.. but we saw a flashlight.. and it ended up being jakes parents, cus they thought he had gotten like stolen or something, lol.[cus they were sleeping in a tent] anyways.. he told me to go home, cus he didnt wanna get me in trouble, lol so i did. I got back in my room, and my parents didnt evn know i had gone. lol.. idunno, i guess it wus an experience. lol i felt like sucha loser tho, lol.. Umm then today, i had this physio therapist thing.. and i have to do like 45 minutes of stretching each day for the next 3 weeks.. lol its crazy. But she said i can start playing soccer more, so its all good lol. i missed it, i mean i know i have it like 5 days a week.. but not having it at all sucked lol. ahh, im wierd lol. Hmm.. i tihnk alex gets home today! lol but besides that, nothings new lol.. Im gonna go though.. xO chels Ox

God.. every single time i talk to him, i just... ughh god. Sometimes he acts like hes way to good for me, and then other times.. its the complete opposite. God its drives me crazy. I just do... i like him. And, idunno.. i usually have to start a conversation now, but even when he asks me questions, or pretends to care how i feel, or what ive been up too.. it makes my day lol. He shudent have such an effect on me. I mean.. we talk, and im all happy, and then he'll stop.. and im like depressed. God, then other people talk about him, and they've got what i had.. what we had.. u know lol. I dont why i cant just let go, i want to..at times, lots of times. But i cant, and sometimes i dont evn know if i want to. God, i just wish id move on.. i have a problem. it shouldnt be this hard... its been like, atleast 4 months, im pretty sure. lol i just hate it. I wanna move on so badly, but then... i dont. Its so stupid. I should know what i want by now, ive experienced lots with him, i should know what i need now right? Ive got over other guys that meant lots to me, and im fine that were friends now. But, this times differnt. I just wish hed help me you know, like i wish we could be just liek we were before anthing else happened between us. If we hung out more again, and stuff.. like we did before, maybe it would be easier? who knows.. cus it could make it harder. But ugh, i think im over it, but then im not.. an i try to move on, but i cant.. without hurting other people. So im stuck here. Sometimes its not all that bad tho, cus whenever im not all depressed an stuff, its cus were having fun, liek we did before. God.. hes just so aamzing, i hate it. But whatever, lol hes gotta be happy.. he already gave me another chance, and if he were to give me another one.. i dont even know if id take it.. cus id problee end up getting hurt again. I just wish things would get all normal.. i miss him sometimes, and im jealous of so many people.. its so stupid. I say im not, i tell myself im not.. but i think i am.. evn over the littlest comments. I just love the way he made me feel.. and whenever someone else makes me feel like that, i just.. idunno. never mind.. im hooked on him lol haha im sucha loser.. ill get over this somehow.. ill just forget about it lol Xo Chels oX

Two days ago, i just kept walking to the window... wanting it to rain so bad. I dont know what it is about the rain, but i love being in it. Finally it started, so i went outside. It wasnt raining all that much, and i kept wishing it would start pouring.. n then finally it did. I loved it.. i just love the feeling, i wus just getting soaked, and i didnt care. It started to hail tho.. and it kindah hurt, cus i wus wearing a tank top.. an i got all these red marks on me.. but i didnt care.. i just kept walking, and getting soaked. I just thought about evrything, and it all seemed way clearer. Finally tho.. it hurt way to much the hail wus almost the size of a golf ball.. so i walked inside one of those bus stop things... and someone gave me a ride home. I loved it. Then the next day, i went to the stampede with maria. I love being with her, i just remember old times.. and forget about evrything else thats going on. God, i miss her. It wus fun tho.. i met tuns of people, lol she has so many new friends.. lol.. but theres this one guy, almeer, haha odd name.. but i talked 2 him for like 5 minutes, lol and he wus super nice.. pretty good looking too lol. i lvoe meeting new people. And mervin, lol hes really funny. Julian, tnx for helping me with the ride lol.. haha im sry, i wus scared.. but ur really awsome.. the fireworks were soo awsome too. Anonymous- I'm not even sure if u read these things.. but im gonna say it anyways. I didnt mean to hurt u, make u mad, or anything like that. I didnt mean to make u think that i didnt care. I do.. really. Just sometimes, i get so worked up with everything, and i dont know what to do. I know its not fair, and im gonna try... im sorry Anyways.. I havent noticed it, but i wus worrying soo badly, about another person, and someone... and today, i read something about that person do something with someone else, and wow.. it clicked in. God, im doing the exact same thing. I know this person never meant to make me like... ughh, i guess its jealous.. yepp. i am. wow, god lol. i dont want to be at all.. and i thought that lately i havent been getting jealous over this person.. but really, i have. Just, things were kindah getting better with us. I mean, i dont know.. liek were together more, an sometimes i still feel like things are wierd.. but idunno. Im not intentionally trying to hurt, or make things difficult with anyone else.. i just understand how there feeling. Maybe not on the same level, but god.. i wish theyd just tell me.. there sucha awsome person, really... and i have more of an idea what there talking about.. as soon as they mentioned that one name. Thats all ice gotta say right now tho.. Xo Chels oX

GOD I CANT TAKE THIS... ugghh... im not even sure whats happening. I just, ughh... so many people tihnk im sucha push over, and i just get used so much. i hate it.. but i dont know how to stand up for myself anymore. I hate hurting other people. I hate it soooo much. Its the worst feeling in the world. But i hate being used, i hate being tooken for granted, i hate how i feel after i give up on things just so other people will be fine, i hate the way i am. God im sucha loser... ughhhh!! I dont know what to do.. i mean, im obviosly hurting people anyways.. so whats the point of trying sooo freaking hard not to, if its not gonna matter in the end. Even the people i look up to, and i care for alot.. im hurting them. But then again, if im second guessing myself, and evn wondering if it is me.. or evn when i dont know.. i shouldnt just guess its me u know.. cus not everything revolves around me, and thats like self centrered-ish... but god, thats all i keep thinking about. There way worse things that have been going on lately.. but this is all i can think about. ugh GOD!.. no one problee has any idea at all what im talking about, and i hate it.. i hate this. EVrthing i do lately seems to effect this situation, and god.. i dont want it to. i want people to be happy.. i dont want this to be happening, its some big triangle.. and i hate it. Crying... frick, ahh this just makes things worse. Im sucha bad person, god.. i try sooo hard, and.. ughh... i dont notice, and ughh... man. wow. This is so wierd, how im like all effected. So many people have used me, so many people have just thought im like this super nice person.. who wudent do anything to hurt anyone.. and right now, god.. im not that person. I hated always being the person everyone could just say anything and do anything to.. and i wouldnt say anything, or show anby emotion... but i cant take it. I just wish things were normal.. i wish things were like they were, in grade 8... a while ago, before anyone realized how one change in life.. could have such a mojor effect on us. I just, i dont want to have anything to do with this anymore.. once again, im gonna pull myself out for a while.. i hope it changes things, makes things better... and i hope the things i want to change do.. and the things i dont want to change.. dont... god, i just dont knwo what else to do. Happy-ness.... thats it. Ive gotta stop this, ive gotta just find another way.. becus i dont think this other person can... but ughhh, i dont want to.. so badly.

im not totally sure what i did... or what happened.. but it seems liek evn the slightest words from him, that leave me to wonder really scare me. Its stupid.. i mean i dont know why.. just he has like this effect on me.. its wierd. Im not even sure what happened...this is what happened. I havent seen him for a little bit now, and hes not gona be here for a bit again.. and so he asked if he could clal me tonight.. on msn, and i said yah.. cus i love tlaking to him lol.. but then, he said no wait.. im not sure if i will, and all that kind of stuff.. n i wusnt sure why. i mean maybe i did something?! i just, ughhh.... i hope i didnt.. god. so then he said hed heard something, and so he dusnt think he should. im not sure whats going on.. i just hope theres nothing. i mean, ughh... this is one thing with one person i dont want to be messed up. but whatever, i have no clue whats going on.. so im gonna leave it at that. Besides that.. i spent the whole day with jessie. i love that girl, lol shes so awsome. we had tuns of fun! We went to this lunch thing, and we saw brad working lol. wow hes so tall.. and then we saw the hartys.. lol all of them. Jake shaved his head almost.. its so awosme to touch tho.. and his cousin wus there too.. they look so much alike. Umm, we saw papp n her sister, n richard, ryan, jess, phil.. lol lots of people. it wus fun tho. Anyhways.. then we went to the breach, lol i loved it! it wus so mch fun, lol its like my special place now! i wanna bring people there.. but idunno if they will now.. just someone, who knows.. i hope so lol. anyways, thats about it.. im so bummed, i wanted to go to warp today. anyhoo, im out xO chels Ox

UGHHHHHH!!! god, i cant take this anymore... i dont know what to do. im so freaking stressed, and they dotn evn notice.. i hate it. I havent been saying anything on here about it.. but tonight, more stuff happened... and ughh, i wus in sucah good mood, and i wanna be in good moods more often, its just better... but all this shit happens, all at once.. and i have no clue how to handle it. I mean some of my problems i guess i make too much of a big deal, an i could probably try n get over them.. but theres just this one thing... thats not gonna go away. Its been with me my whole life.. i mean its my fault. Fcuk, i nvr did anything to deserve it, why cant things just work out. Sometimes i wish theyd leave me out of it.. ughhh, god. i hate this so much... i mean before, i went into this wierd "denial" stage... and i got superly depressed, and i wudent hang out with my friends as much, and i got all anti social.. and i made not to good choices to help relieve my stress.... but i cant do that now. i dont want to.. ive promised old people i never would.. but im not even in touch with them anymore.. ughh fuck i hate this. ugh whatever, i cant type anymore.. im gonna go

Today i didnt do to much.. went on msn.. went 2 the dentists, i hate that place so much. ummm.. then i went to the mall while my mom n borther went to some moive, lol i had fun with myslef tho i guess.. lol.. all my friends were gone, so yepp lol. Anyhoo.. there wus this stupid lady in Lasenza who thought i wus trying to steal shit, but i really wusnt. ughh.. linh, know how we were talking about that lol.. welll, i wusnt gonna do anything like that.. really. I wus just trying on tns of sutff.. and she kept giving me these dirty looks, and shed get liek pissed off whenever i gave her stuff i didnt want. An ugh, i just hated her lol.. i didnt evn know her, but i do lol. Umm, i got home.. and rob, alex, will and jordan called me.. lol that wus fun. We only talked 4 liek 15 minutes, but still.. lol it wus fun just talking to them. lol robs so funny, i love that kid..gosh hes so awomse.. same with alex lol. Wills super awsome too, and i dont know jordan all that well, but idunno.. hes problee cool too lol. I really wanna see rob! lol me n brad n him have to get together, lol.. Anyways, i really wanna go to the stampede tomorrow.. but i cant, cus im going on friday again, and i only have 1 more pass... but whatever, they'll have fun without me lol. Xox Chels