I wus gonna make this private, but what the helll... here its goes.. Evryones been saying that boyfriends are a waste right now, because nothing good will come of it in the end. Im still not sure, but whatever.. thats really confussing. I just.. find myself wanting something that ive had before. I know that right now, ive been saying that i dont think the whole relationship shit is good right now... but theres something that ive just gotta get out. Its been freaking driving me crazy.. and i know the person who im talking about probably wont read this, and im just gonna try n say it.. i really really felt like this wus the first thing that would actually work, and not mess up. Id liked this guy so freaking much... an i wanted something to happen so badly. Then it did. It was wierd, because the way it started was totally oppoiste of the way it ended. I felt so... alive, lol its sounds gay, but really.. he made me feel like i meant something to someone. Hed always make me smile, and he always try n make me happy.. i think i really got caught up in how much i liked him, that when things started to get all messed up, i ignored it. Really, ive came to think that i wus in love, with the thought of being in love, and ive realized that. im not sure if i wus in love, which is why i think i wusnt. But id never liked anyone that much before. We had so much fun together, evrything wus normal. But then... he started to forget about me in a way. I know that no one is ever going to pay alot of attention to me, and stuff, and thats not what i wanted. He wus acting liek a jerk, i tryed so hard.. and i always thought it wus me. He started, umm.. acting like he wus to good for me. And we stopped talking as much, and hed even pay more attention to my friends. I knew that if i let it go on for a long time, it wud just make things worse in the end, but i liked him so much, i couldnt stop it. I couldnt end it myself, and i wish he would have sooner. The day he did, i felt liek shit. I dont tihnk ive cryed that much in my life.. . it wus so stupid though.. becus even after it ended, i couldnt let go. i dont know what my problem wus, hed moved on easily, why the hell couldnt i. i hated knowing that things would never be the same between us, i hated it so freaking much.. i just wanted him back so bad. then it happened, and it wus even worse. I dont know what it is, but he makes me feel almost invisible.. but that wus the first time id ever been able to tell anyone evrything i wanted. We spent so much time together in the begining, and i loved it, fcuk, i dont know why... cus it ended so bad, and its still wierd. theres a guy, who i think so awsome, and i know he means evrything he says, but i keep finding myself thinking of this other person, and its not fiar to anyone else. even when i know something positive an better could happen with someone else, i lean towards my old memories, of this other person, even though some of them werent of the good times. I hate it when i tell myself im over him, cus im not. fcuk, ihate it... theres just so many memories, so many things i wont let go of. i had so much.. and i messed it up with wanting more. The sad thing is.. its been a really long time, and if i had to make the decision, between *having more* and *just being friends* im not sure what id pick...and im not even sure why.... ·°xOx°·