Drawn into your techinicolor magnitiude I'm at every whim that your heart brings your love flows over me n dark cirlcles and deep crimson waves Standing, taking it all in, this seems so unbearing, this isnt the first time of the many, ive felt like this Together, this circus of black and white is the very dizziness that draws me in everytime it keeps me here and im gone But i can't leave i can't see past this and i need you right now these endeavors at happiness have found me here without end Inside my head im screaming for something im trying to let loose these demons and angels i've given myself all while staying with you

It's been a really long time since i've been here and all the people i once knew are probably gone too... but i've missed writing down the feeling so here it is!!!

It's been a really long time since i've been here and all the people i once knew are probably gone too... but i've missed writing down the feeling so here it is!!!

ya know i was going to be all smiles about a new semester getting more core classes taken care of getting new teachers and all that crap but i really don't like my schedule at all and i don't know neone in my classes except for two people not a great start.... im already having major test given blah

ok. so this is a new year and i don't plan to really make a resolution bc i won't go through with it so that way whatever changes come i know i really wanted to do it! i promised leo some pictures so here they are

hey it's been such a long time since ive been here... i don't know what to write!!! well alot has happened since i last wrote. me and frank are doing alot better my lovely tito was stolen and two days ago i was given a new puppy named Yuki!! he's the cutest. he's sick right now im taking care of him ive stopped talking to friends that were probably not my friends to begin with. but it's okay. me and cristy hung out alot this semester which was awesome! ummm i started working at stein mart again well i know i have much to write about but i have to take care of yuki

last night was one hard night. i hadn't been able to admit what was hurting me for sooo long but finally after events after feeling like the person to blame it all came out.... in a river of tears... i'm pretty sure i scared frank half to death.the truth is im not over the cheating, the big lie, and the pretending everything is ok. i'm still so very uncertain of the future of our relationship though i know i love him i can't deny that but all that hurt may be more powerfull than anything else. how you do let yourself go without feeling so lost and idiotic?? i've never been the type of person to want to talk things out and get it all out of my system and whatnot.. i'm the lets please forget this and move on but this time i couldn't... i can't just can't. such betrayal is hard to forget. how do i make him understand the exact pain i'm feeling without a description? it's nothing short of a huge carving knife to the heart... maybe i do need to move on and start over something fresh and new to lift the spirit and soul.mend this heart of mine. i sound like such a whinner. eck. i hate it soooo much i'd rather just take some pills and forget this feeling and those moments when he pretended to want to get it all out so we could start it all over when i feel like it was just to he didn't have to bear his guilt alone. my oh my how life is so unfair. oh well right. i even feel like this faith i have is weakened and nothing right now is making it right..

Once again i find myself within the library community here at Pan Am. i should be focusing on my research paper on the stupid city of mcallen but i could care less so instead im writing here. within the next two weeks i'll be attending AA meetings and in class we practiced how to say hi and the proper rules and ettiquite.i think i spelled that wrong. do i want to spell check... no. newhoooo i've been feeling a little sad lately due to the events i talked about in another entry probably the one before this... and listening to certain topics in class about similar situations makes me feel like i need to get something done or resolved or whatever and i don't really know what to say or how to say it and if i really want to get out my situation. anyhoooo enough of that stuff. i need to really practice my juggling. it stinks.

Well the college testing has begun... I just finished my first test in socio, i say i can't get nething less than an A. i was surprised by how easy it was. i had two test earlier this week in Soc Welfare and Psychology both were fair... and then Addiction Class was last week and i have another test next Thursday... ay! Frank isn't going to his Aikdio seminar like he wanted bc the people he was going with had some problems. so he wanted to go to the beach. but hello RED TIDE. so that's a bust too. i think i'm going to be spending the weekend writing a damn paper neway . Frank and I are slightly weird right now but mostly ok. Our 3 yrs together is coming soon but i really don't feel like making it a big deal. I'm still having a slight problem of letting go of past events and a recent party he attended brought back some bad memories and the fact that i'm still confused about where i want to be and if i want to stay. Too get to something positive.. Cristy got a basset hound named Daisy and she's tooo cute! She's got the biggest paws you've ever seen on a puppy! she's only 6-7 mnths but is a big girl!! She and I have been spending alot of time together and it's nice to finally get to have girlie time with a girl. haha i mean we used to be really good friends and we stayed that way just we didn't get too see much of each other but now we're hanging out and it's nice to be able to trust a friend. my wallet was lost last week somewhere between circle k and whataburger. i wish i knew where it went. :tears: but all my cards have been cancelled and the only thing i need to worry about is my SS card. ay! I'm in the mood for some fruit con chile y limon so ... here i go.

well now ... its bem quite some long time since ive written anything. i guess since school started i haven't been focusing on much. well actually i haven't been focusing on school either. hrrm well then.. things are good with frank and I... not working has finally taken a toll on my wallet... been hanging out with my friend cristina alot... ummm saw emily rose... wanted to go to church afterward... lets see what else i can remember.. but later. gotta post some new pictures but at the moment my internet is gone so i need to use someones elses...

so school has been in effect for 1 week. i'm taking prin. of sociololgy, Dance, Social Welfare Insit. , Psychology, Addiction Studies.... it's getting interesting already. i have to learn to juggle and attend two AA meetings... my dance class is basically been so far get on the floor and show the person next to you ur ass. haha. we'll see as the semester goes on what happenes. next. my finaid didn't go as well as i hoped so im getting loans. and alot of people have begun stealing gas bc of the prices and the poorness here in the Valley. i think we should all get bikes like in amsterdam minus the drug use. but whatever. Mmmmmmmm what else. i dont know.

Well... i am no longer an employee of the Stein Mart Corporation. It's kinda wierd. no one really knew about me leaving just the cashiers and the managers. i told them i would go back in christmas time but i might just spend that month off in houston. i haven't written in a while but nothing major has happened i finished my two weeks... got all my fin aid papers cleared up... yesterday i spent the day with my friend cristina. it was a blast !!! we went to eat sushi @ this place called musashi it was totally yummy and good and it was soo pretty! we had never offically eaten at a sushi place so it was an experience. then we got our nails "did" lol and had fun being pampered while being entertained by the guy who did my nails ... he was super funny. he was singing and making jokes. we then followed up by going to a plaza by Trenton and N. 10th and went shopping. it was fab. i loved it... we ended our day by a lovely free showing of the 40 yr. old virgin compliments of Crisitna's nice friend. that was fun day. tomorrow i'm heading back to pan am to finalized all my class plans and fin aid and i want to sell some books. what else happened??? frank and i are good. civl, loving, fight and be nice, we're normal . which is always a good thing. today he treated us to some choco molten cake and i bought him is X so we watched some of it and i bought me Samurai Fiction. its super funny i love it. I love it!! so celina. she's too funny. everytime we hang out it's a blast

Well. i finally did it. I'm leaving Stein Mart. my last day is the 21st. Four days before school starts. i'm quite happy. i wonder how it's gonna feel when the semester starts and i dont have to work. i know im gonna miss the cash. i can feel it already. oh well i love this song. i've heard it four times in a row. work was busy today which is odd. tomorrow we have a visit from our DM. I'm getting ready for school. i shopped. haha. MMmmmm im sure i had something interesting to say... we'll see

well i'm feeling alot better. i guess i needed to make up for alot of lost sleep. having bad sleeping habits does really affect you in many ways. hopefully i can get a normal sleep schedule by the time the new semester starts. this coming monday i'm going to give my two weeks notice at stein mart. i'm kinda afraid though bc it's really nice to have your own money for things. i know i'm going to need another job though bc credit cards don't pay for themsleves. hopefully my fin aid sit can clear soon so i can get that stupid loan at the university. dammit pan am you suck. frank went fishing with his boys mike, javi and dj.. leaving me free for the day. it's nice that he gets to go be stupid with his friends. hopefully celina and i will get to do the same tonight. i got really bored last night and i made a skirt. its super cute i wouls show you a picture but the police station still hasn't given back my camera that they borrowed when the break in happened. damnit sj policeman who took it. i need to go get a new id. mine was lost. grrrrr. i need to go now, so yea. adios everyone till next time.

Am i settling? do i really love all that i have. why can't i be as happy inside like i fake outside. just putting a smile doesn't change what i feel inside. sometimes i'm just so tired of myself. i know it will pass this has happened to me before this overwhelming sadness, it comes and goes like waves crashing onto the shorelines leaving lines where it had been once before. the littlest thing can change me. one word or a look from anyone and all the trying is gone. i can feel it coming back and making its way into my tears. i need to be something different and i hate feeling like this. i'm stronger than this I KNOW IT. i have to be. I've always done it. push it aside and get over it. put a smile on your face jessica and be happy. you have someone who loves you. it doesn't matter about the mistakes he made. he's trying to redeem himself. why can't you just trust him.i know it can never be like the very first winter before everything changed, don't put up that wall. i can't do that anymore. just staring out of the car window won't solve anytning. iknow that. i do. what am i afraid of? am i being selfish and petty. what is it. i'm so used to seeing other people stuggling with emotions that i had under control. and now it's just dissappering. i can't sleep at night knowing im just ignoring the sadness in me. i've tried. i'm still trying. i will continue too because im so damned stubborn. what the hell... what's wrong?

It's 7:32 am and i'm sleepy as hell. so many strange things have happened since yesterday. where to begin.... i had to get an emergency loan to pay for tuition for the fall.. 1864.33 i have until november 1st or until my fin aid clears and i get awareded. I'm glad i went today to get it too because payment was due next week. Frank and I drove around today and i was going to donate blood but decided it was too hot today and i guess i would do it another day. Frank went to aikido class i went home when i got home my neighbor came over to check out my printer bc i've been having problems with it and he works a college here and knows about that stuff. after taking it all apart finding the problem (loose spring) and fixing it.. it still didnt work bc the spring messed up the teeth that grabbed the paper. Oi! so i watched Madagascar with my two neighbors that are 10 and 6... i love them soo cute! anyhoo... me and frank ended up going to wal-mart and buying a new printer... the Hp Psc 1400 series. so it's all good. i wasn't going install it until later today bc i have to go to work at 9:45 am... i was fast alseep when my brother wakes me up at 5 am and says.. " Jessica someone broke into the house ... the cop is using ur camera to take pictures and is going to dl at the police station OK?!".... i didn't belive him.. say ok and go back to sleep. i get up to to see what the noise is and there really is a cop downstairs.. so i put on some pants and head on downstairs to get the full story.. turns out some guy that hangs out with my brother that lives in our neighborhood broke into the house while my brother had walked with another neighbor friend to his house. my brother caught him leaving with all the stuff in his hands.. dvd player.. dvd.. wires.. and vcr. Jr gets my dad and the cops are called and took an hour to get there but they kept the guy there and he was getting fingerprints... WOW. so freaked out. i couldn't sleep i'm now telling this story while i transfer some music. Death Cab, Eisley, Bloc Party, The Postal Service, Common, Jimmy Eat World, Interpol. i need sleep. i have an hour before i start getting ready. My Hair is great. i love it. i need to post pictures. ahhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm in the process of dying my black hair to a red color. omg. i'm freakin. supa dupa freakin. it's awesome it was so busy today at the store and yesterday also. alot of people from mexico. i think it's because they just got paid Me and frank got into an argument and haven't spoken in almost two days. i wonder how long it will last. i ended up going out with celina, which is always fun. i gotta go do my hair. wish me luck!

Well let's see how can i possible address what happened to us yesterday. One word. Dissapointment. We got some rain. that's about it. no power went out. no major wind damage. i went to work. it was dead and i was bored. an 281 tree fell down. at the island and brownsville which was hit alot harder and old apartment complex was damaged alittle and one power line fell down, we had some tornados verified but no damage. all in all i feel really jipped. however it is spelled. i wanted something more. oh well a bought another shirt. thinking about a tattoo.. really really thinking about it. a red lotus on back side of my shoulder... hrmm. THINKING. WANTING. THINKING MORE. ***** 8 am Friday the 22nd i just finished running this moring. i wasn't able to fall asleep again last night. so i watched tv, polished my nails black, read magazines, went through my closet and clean out the old stuff, and did some pilates. i don't work today so me and celina are going to the mall when she gets outts class and pre-back to school shop. i need jeans for my tushie. i'm going to try and make a habit out of drinking more water cause my sides are starting to hurt. and cranberry juice. i love cranberry. i almost forgot tangernuts. haha. Ummmm lets see.. i need to shower get dressed and take a power nap. get some coffee. find my camera. show you my new shirt. i love it. grey with black blue pink hot pink green vertical stripes. quater length sleeves. Mmm yes. Frank's aikido class

Well Hurricane Emily decided to hit Mexico... and not Us. Dammit. i was hoping for some serious hardcore rain. we're still getting some and tornado warings and such. it's still to early to tell how much we're going to get. its about 5 am and the hurricane is about 80 SE of brownsville which is about an hour from me. Ahhh . i want the rain. i love it. i didn't have to go to work today or yesterday because the valley was expecting the worse.. power loss.. flooding... hurricane winds and damage. i might still have to go in tomorrow. i hope not. Mmmm well let's see what happens

We have one chance to get it right, to find what we’ve been searching for all this time. We have one chance at life, we only die once and throughout time if we aren’t careful, little pieces die inside. We have one chance to find that deep love, a deep love that knows no bounds and has no remorse; it can be so frightening to let go without knowing how it ends. We’re given so much in the beginning, a fresh new life with endless opportunities and things of that beautiful nature. My earliest memories are with my father. Sitting on my grandmother’s rocking chair on a cold night in the living room, rocking next the old black heater that kept us warm for many years and falling sleep in his arms. I’m not completely sure if that’s a memory or a dream but it feels good to think about. Another is sitting on the armrest in the car driving somewhere just him and I. It feels like torture now to think about all those things now that I don’t know him anymore and I’m sure he feels the same. I couldn’t possible know how it feels to mess up and to pay for it everyday of your adult life by not being able to see your own children, to miss out on everything. From first walks, to school, to dances, first crushes, getting grounded, learning about life and death, and graduations from childhood into adulthood. I’m not mad at situations I have no control over, I feel sorry because his son grew up with a different father, a good one at that. It just makes me wonder if were different, would our lives be this good, this happy?? For as long as I can remember, there’s always something wrong in my life, around my life, or just me. I can remember them fighting a lot. Screaming, yelling, crying, even hitting maybe, I’m not too sure about that one. I remember being at my grandparents hating it there because as soon as my gpa was drunk he was talking about my dad. “It’s your fault he’s gone”. I heard that a lot, it was always upsetting and I would never forget that. I was so sensitive to that issue whenever it would come up, I could feel the tears start to come but I always pushed them back down and put on the happy face. I was always the one to laugh and be happy no matter what. I learned to push what I really felt out of what I wanted to be seen like. I still have that problem; I don’t like to say what I’m really feeling inside. I don’t like to have that gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach when I know something bad is happening. Going through all of that I understand why we moved away. Stability, normality, and a chance to grow into something more that the people we were leaving behind. I know this was for the better and I see the change in my family and me. How much better we are in the long run. The one thing is growing up apart from all the family I grew up with. When I go back, I feel out of place because my younger cousins are so close the ones my age and I feel out of touch. I find it a bit strange that the last time I’ve seen some of my close cousins is when they were 8, 9, and 10 and are now teens in high school. I’ve realized a lot of things about myself that I don’t like and I’ve tried to hide for so long. I hate being so willing to show my sadness I hate crying in front of people, I always say I’m tired. That’s my way out of talking about what’s wrong with anything. “I’m tired.” I’d rather just put on a smile try to not have someone ask what’s going on. I know I’m not ready to share what I really feel with everyone. I can barely manage to let frank know and he’s been my everything for so long. All our problems could be solved so easily if I was just willing to let go and say something. But for me it’s not that simple. Why?? I don’t know why. I should re-read what I just wrote to figure that out. I think I’ve let go much more than I intended. Don’t read this.