Am i settling? do i really love all that i have. why can't i be as happy inside like i fake outside. just putting a smile doesn't change what i feel inside. sometimes i'm just so tired of myself. i know it will pass this has happened to me before this overwhelming sadness, it comes and goes like waves crashing onto the shorelines leaving lines where it had been once before. the littlest thing can change me. one word or a look from anyone and all the trying is gone. i can feel it coming back and making its way into my tears. i need to be something different and i hate feeling like this. i'm stronger than this I KNOW IT. i have to be. I've always done it. push it aside and get over it. put a smile on your face jessica and be happy. you have someone who loves you. it doesn't matter about the mistakes he made. he's trying to redeem himself. why can't you just trust him.i know it can never be like the very first winter before everything changed, don't put up that wall. i can't do that anymore. just staring out of the car window won't solve anytning. iknow that. i do. what am i afraid of? am i being selfish and petty. what is it. i'm so used to seeing other people stuggling with emotions that i had under control. and now it's just dissappering. i can't sleep at night knowing im just ignoring the sadness in me. i've tried. i'm still trying. i will continue too because im so damned stubborn. what the hell... what's wrong?