7th grade Stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didnt notice me like that, I knew it. After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that I don`t wanna Be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t know why... 11th Grade The phone rang. on the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. after 2 hours, a drew barrymore movie, & 3 bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to kno that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and idk wHy Senior Year The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is Sick" she said; he`s not qonna go. well I didnt have a dAte and in 7th qrade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom niqht After everything was over I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her, She smiled at me I want her to be mine, but she doesn`t think of me like that and I kno it. then she said "I Had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to kno that I don`t want to be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t kNow why Graduation Day a day passed, then a week, then a month. before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an anqel up on staqe to qet her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didnt notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, you`re my best friend, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the Cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and I don`t know why A Few Years Later now I sit in the pews of the church. that girl is gettinq married now. I watched her say "i do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that and I knew it. But before she Drove away, she came to me n said you came!" She said. "thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. I wanna tell her, I want her to know that i dont wanna be just friends, I love her but I`m just too shy, and i don`t know why }]| Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a qirl who used to be my "best friend". at the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her hiqh school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn`t notice me like that, and I know it. i wanna tell him, i want him to kno that I don`t wanna be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don`t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me...I wish I did too. I thought to myself, and I cried

Well i'm officially 19 as of the 19th. Not much has been goin on i work alot. And sometime it sucks. believe me hehehe well i suppose i'll let ya'all go!

Well i'm really freakin tired! The past two mornings i went to bed at 4am. and have been waking up from 6:30 - 7am so yeah it BLOWS!! The Exorcism of Emily Rose...SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME...I'm a big wussy when it comes to that. Well for the 40 day advent i think it is...i'm a catholic and i don't know the termanology...anyways...I've decided to give up cursing..good luck to me! It's gonna be hard esp. since i live at home with my mom and brother and sister whom irratates me ........... OKAY OFF THAT SUBJECT>.... YEAH RIGHT! Well yea my sister decided to steal or hide or give away my favorite tank top i got from DEBS!! Blah Blah Blah!!!!!!!!!!Well i suppose love and butterflies good luck to my know cursing heheh!

Well, I think they (my family)actually scared him off. It's all good tho. hehe. What’s wrong with me all I do is think about my ex and if I did the wrong thing by breaking up with him. I feel better about doing it. But now I feel lonely and I hate it. I have a feeling I’m never gonna find a good guy. I’m drawn to all the wrong ones and I hate that fact! And I feel that he's the only guy who will ever be with me. But I know I did the right thing in order not to be miserable any more. I mean all we did was fight and he's gonna be 24 and he still lives with mama without a job or an education. I'm such a loser, god. But i'm sure i'll find mr. right some day! Love and Butterflies!

Well not a whole lots goin on. I met this dude last night. He's cute, and barely taller than me. He met my family like right away! I was so embarassed we didn't talk all that much. It was humiliating!!! but yea... He survived tho when his sister showed up he was outta there like a bat outta hell It was so OMG yea... Well I suppose it's time to go. I can't wait until i get a hold of him again. AND THE MOST EMBARASSING PART WAS THAT MY MOM ASKED HIM IF WE WERE SEEING EACHOTHER OMFG!!!!

Life sucks i know. I can't stand it anymore i can't wait until i move away. Can you believe todays Valentines Day? I don't really care! If when i wasn't single it never appealed to me probably because he didn't care enough about me anyway. Here i go feeling sorry for myself. and i honestly dont care about v-day. I think everyday in someones relationship should be like today!! ya know??!? But anyways i've got bounce like tigger!! love ya aimz

Hey what's goin on? Only 3 more months of HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS I can't wait untill i graduate, cause i'm moving out right away and if i dont' find a room mate i'm moving in by myself somewhere really cheap. well i guess i don't what all to say everything's going good. I'm single i don't have a bf and it's gonna stay that way for a LOOOOONNNNGG time!! YAY Hmm i suppose thats all love and butterflies!! I dislike my family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But ya could never guess that 1!! Aimz

Famous Last Words Noo these windows are ok to lean on. Don’t worry it has airbags. Hey what’s that buzzing noise? Don’t worry its not that deep. One time at band camp. No, he doesn’t bite?. Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel. I can pass this guy. My brakes are fine. Nice doggy. I think it's trying to communicate... "Homicidal Tendencies"? Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you? "Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital." "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill for oil in 1859. "No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...". "Don't touch the red button!" Gee, that's a cute tattoo. It's fireproof. What does this button do? So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. . I'll hold it and you light the fuse. You look just like Charles Manson Let it down slowly. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes I can do that with my eyes closed look ma! no hands! Hey that's not a violin. Don't be so superstitious. Now watch this. "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..." "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'" "Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek "Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?" "Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!" "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!" Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now. Let's split up, we'll cover more ground. I dunno, press the button and find out. Hello, is anyone home? Oops. Don't worry, it's not contagious. Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing? Trust me, I know what I'm doing. He can't hear us, he's miles away I'll be right back. I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind. Don't worry, we outnumber them. Hey, what the hell??! Hey, what's that beeping sound? I'm sure it's just the wind. Of course it's safe! No, this tribe is peaceful! No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago. Safety harness? Wait, I thought he was with you! What greencard? Hey, what's this switch? Don't move, you'll trip the sensors. Yes, I'm single. No, this cannot be, I am invincible! So, you're sure this isn't loaded? Calm down, of course I disarmed it! What, I never signed any organ donor papers! Well, it can't get any worse! C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it! Don't worry, they'll never find us in here! William, is that you? They can't hit us at this range! All you have to do is connect these two wires. There's only one way to find out... Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is. These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work. Stupid safety labels... No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time. Watch, I'll prove it! Blast off! Nah, they're blanks. Speaking of lost, where are we? Wheeeeeeeeee! I know this great shortcut we can take. Is that what I think it is? What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable. For God's sake, Kris, it was just a cheesecake No, no, no, let me fix it!

Bumper Stickers Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes: Caution: I drive like you do! Strangers have the best candy Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits... I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go " I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!" " Watch out for the idiot behind me!" Moooooove, I'm trying to speed! Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control. He who laughs last thinks slowest. All men are idiots, and I married their king. Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body. Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up. Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!! Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait! Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young We're not old people we're recycled teenagers! If you're rich, I’m single! IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking? I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way. I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass! (Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough. ...and i should care, why? 0-60 in 15 minutes! 100% Irony Free 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest? 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law! 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 7 days with out Jesus makes one weak A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A church alive is worth the surprise!! A clean car is a sign if sick mind. A day without sunshine is like, night. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese A nuclear war can ruin your whole day . A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Adrenalin is my drug of choice. Adults are just kids with money. Age is a high price to pay for maturity Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. All generalizations are false. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King. All my drinking buddies have a racing problem. All stressed out and nobody to choke! All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It! Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM! Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It Are you following Jesus this close? As If As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit. Ask me about my vow of silence. Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk Ax Me About Ebonics Baby on bored Back the badge Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse? BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! BARBIE AIN'T HERE!. Be Human. Be nice society already sucks. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home. Be the kind of friend you'd want. Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them. Beam me up Jesus. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865. Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore. Beer: making woman look better since 1965. Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare! Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two. Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free Bite Me! Black holes are where God divided by zero. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please.... Blow your nose, your horn works fine. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up! BooYah! Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Boy bands. The spawn of Satan. Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead. Boys Lie! Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass Buy a gun support the constitution. Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals. Buy American! Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ?? Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'! Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear! Cat: The Other White Meat Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS. CAUTION! I drive like you do! Caution: I brake for no apparent reason. Caution: I brake for no apparent reason. CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture. Change a life; make someone feel important. Change is good...you go first! Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way! Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous. Clean up America. Kill a redneck! Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Clones are people 2 Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage Conceive. Believe. Achieve. Condoms are easier to change than diapers! Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot." Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Conserve toilet paper - use both sides. Conserve water - Shower with a friend Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass? Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers DANGER: I drive like you do! DARE to keep cops off doughnuts. DARE to keep the CIA off drugs. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Death is the consequence of being alive. Deep down, divers care. Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular? Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!! Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law) Did you check if your horn works? Did you just fart or did you always smell that way? Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy� Until You Find A Rock Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. Disappointed? Too bad! Divers get more tail. Do I look like a freakin' People Person? Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn. Do not put a question mark where God put a period. Do they ever shut up on your planet. Do unto others before they do unto you. Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers? Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that. Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell? D'oh! Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink. Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies. Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't believe everything you think. Don't come knocking if the car is rocking. Don't delay, paint today Don't Drink and Drive! Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim. Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick! Don't Follow me I am LOST!!! Don't judge a book by its movie. Don't laugh it's paid for. Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. Don't make me go medieval on you. Don't miss heaven for the world. Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it! Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie. Don't start with me you won't win! Don't steal, the government hates competition. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Don't trust women. Don't wish for it...work for it. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT! Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION.. Drop Dead Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out. Dyslexics Have More Fnu. Dyslexics of the world, untie! Dyslexics Untie! E. coli Happens Each day is a gift. Eagles Don't Flock. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later. Earth first... We will strip the other planets later. Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Editing Is A Rewording Activity Elvis has left the planet. Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal. Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be Eschew Obfuscation Eschew Obfuscation ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication) Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every silver lining has a cloud. Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film. Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion Everything i need to know i learned in prison Everything is possible just not too probable. Everything Is Somewhere. Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you. EXIT F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm! Faster than a speeding ticket. Fat chicks make my car scrape! Fat people are hard to kidnap. Few women admit their age, few men act it. Fight Socialism...Vote Republican First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering... Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Flies spread disease, keep yours closed! FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !! Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear. For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes! For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process. Forbidden fruits create many jams. Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Friends don't let friends drive naked!! Friends don't let friends miss out on heaven. Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies. Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run! Get over it! Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt. GIMMIEABREAK! Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker. Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face. Go On, I will See You At The Next Light. God Bless Our Troops. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve. God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many God must love stupid people...he made so many! God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts. Got Brains? Got Goth? Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you. Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You Gravity always gets me down. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional. Gun control is a steady hand. Gun control today, Total control tomorrow. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Hang up and drive! Hang up and drive! HANG-UP & DRIVE Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!! Have a nice day... somewhere else. Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today? Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?? Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE! HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU. He who angers you, controls you! He who farts in church sits on his own pew. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit He who laughs last thinks slowest. He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh. Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER! Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy! Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish! High beams were made to piss people off! Hogwarts Dropout HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever. Honk If Anything Falls Off Honk if I'm Jesus! Honk if you are blond. Honk if you hate noise pollution! Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton! Honk if you like peace and quiet. Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree. HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel) Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk if you love Rush. Honk If You Want To See My Finger Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window Hope dies last! Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days. Housework makes women ugly. How about never? is never good for you? How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? How can I miss you if you won't go away? How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? How may i ignore you today? How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK huked on foniks werkd fer me Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! I admire gay men, they leave more women for me! I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I am not speeding I am qualifying. I am overjoyed with whelm! I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice. I brake for no apparent reason. I Brake For No Apparent Reason. I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!! I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds. I can handle pain until it hurts. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either. i can resist everything except temptation. I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To I do work for food. I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It I don't decaf I don't do mornings. I don't do requests. I DON'T DRINK IT DULLS THE DRUGS. I don't drive fast I fly low. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit. I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. I don't repeat gossip. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it! I drank what? I Drive Like This To Piss You Off I drive like this to piss you off! I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I fish! Therefore, I lie. I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made. I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade. I hate bumper stickers! I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it. I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today. I have no desire for money. Its stuff that i want. I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions?? I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00 I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. I just love nonverbal communication! I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself. I know...I know...pull over I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on. I left the womb for this? I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken. I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. I love animals - they taste great! I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. I love my country but fear my government. I love my job...shoot me now! I love uranus. I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!. I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you. I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!! I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better. I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes I must hurry, for there they go and i am their leader. I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad? I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go. I press charges I pretend to work they pretend to pay me! I put in contacts for this? I see dumb people. I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore i souport publik edekasion I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving. I swerve for cats. I talk to strangers I Think Feminists Are Cute! I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. I think, therefore I'm dangerous I took a pain pill. Why are you still here? I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure... I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I used up all my sick days so I called in dead! I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... I WANT YOU to stay far away from me I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD. I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime! I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary! I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING. I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum? I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you. I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off. I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing. I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want? I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q." I'd rather be a failure at something i love, than a success at something i hate. I'd rather be fishing! Idiots surround me! If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you. If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire. If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat? If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it? If it isn't broken...fix it until it is! If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ. IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them? If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it. If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff. If life's an idiot then you must the god. If love is blind why is lingerie so popular? If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it. If something goes without saying - LET IT! If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE? If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat? If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site... If you can do the time, you can do the crime. If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close. If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!! If you can read this I have lost my caravan. If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican. If you can read this the bitch fell off. If you can read this you are too close.. If you can read this you're in range. If you can read this, I am parked. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. If you can read this, roll me over. If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once... If you can read this. thank a teacher. If you can read this... I've lost my trailer! If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE! If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers! If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack. If you get any closer I'll fart! If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth. If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast. If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver! If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high. If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!! If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard. If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it! If your stupid and you know it honk your horn. If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. I'll not stop Illiterate? Write For Free Help I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading. I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower. I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps. I'm back by popular demand. I'm feeling uppity I'm leaving my body to science fiction I'm looking forward to regretting this! I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. I'm not as dumb as you look. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth. I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV. Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on. I'm not your monkey I'm objective; I object to everything. I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick. I'm only driving this way to piss you off. I'm only here to ANNOY!! I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I'm serious; it was a joke. I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air. I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from. I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass. I'm with the band. I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs? Impeach President Clinton and her husband too. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". In God we trust; all others must pay cash. In theory, everything works. Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids! Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road! IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got. It could be worse. What if sex was fattening? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You. It takes a Viking to raze a village. It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God. It took 40 years to make me look this good. It’s been one of those days all week It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better. It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse. It's a wonderful life.... With me. It's all a pigment of your hallucination. Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Its always too early to quit. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's been Monday all week. It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens. It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog! It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain. I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!! I've forgotten more than I've ever learned I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. I've lost my phone number - can I have yours? I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met. I've upped my standards, now up yours! Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job. Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy! Jesus is coming... Look busy. Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole. Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes. Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores! Join the IRS (Be audit you can be) Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. Just say no to sex with pro-lifers. Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans. Keep honking, I am reloading!. Kevorkian for Surgeon General Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids. Kiss me, i'm toxic Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you. Laughter, cries and all that is wise... Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control! Lets get along with me. Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging. Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through. Life is a terminal disease. Life is just one of those things. Life is like a straw it sucks. Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe! Life is too complicated in the morning. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. Life may suck, but it beats the alternative. Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies Life. Its just a cereal Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's a bitch, and then you die. Life's a garden, dig it. Life's expensive; drive defensive. Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women. Life's way too short to stay on topic Listen to the silence!! Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead. Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind. Live long enough to be a problem to your kids. Look before you open your eyes. Look out! Behind you! Lord, please save me from your followers. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love for all, Hatred for none Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice. Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole Mean people suck. Men are idiots and i married their king. Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit! Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks. Men are proof that women have a sense of humor. MEN. bigger. stronger. better. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open. Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either. Mistakes are proof that you are trying. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Montana --- At least our cows are sane! More people I meet, more I like my dog.... Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30! Musicians Duet Better My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass! My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark. My child beat up your honor student! My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary. My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test. My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail. My favorite color is chocolate. My god can beat up your god My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. My IQ came back negative! My karma ran over your dogma. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My other auto is a 9MM. My other car is a piece of shit. My other car sticker is funny. My other ride is your mom My other toy has tits. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! My Reality Check Just Bounced My son can kick your son's honor student butt. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that. My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her. My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her. National Atheist's Day April 1 Never cut what you can untie. Never eat more than you can lift. Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. No glove no love. No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse. No matter where you go; you're there. No prohibiting allowed! No Radio - Already Stolen! No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway No soup for you.. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! Non-Partisan. Non-Republican. Not a RULES type of girl. Not all who wander are lost. Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it. Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?! Nuke the Whales. Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most! Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think. Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers One more repo and I’ll be debt free! Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! Overpopulation... too much of a good thing. Pain is inevitable misery is optional. Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading Park in rear Pay good teachers good money People before profits! People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. Please! do not feed the ego! Police line. DO NOT CROSS. Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites. Practice safe government. Use kingdoms. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Proud mother of a delinquent child! Pull my finger. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art Real Men Love Jesus! Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges. Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is a figment of your imagination. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS Rehab is for quitters. RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH. Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later Remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Repetition is always better the second time. S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees) S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Save a tree, eat a beaver. Save on gas, go fart in a jar. Save the planet recycle an environmentalist. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date! Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! Say say NO thank you. Scixelsyd Etinu (backward) Screw you guys, I'm going home! Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!! She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower Sheesh! Short Chicks rock! Simplify Sleep well Mum. Slow thinkers keep right. Smile and at nice. Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone. Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips. Smile.........show off your teeth. SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot! so close to read it! So many cats.... So little time. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time So you're a feminist - isn't that cute! Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them. Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!! Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Sorry, you are not a winner Spank Me! Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys. Squirrel...it's what's for dinner. sticker and watch the road!!!") Stop global whining. Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!! Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Study long study wrong. Stupid is as stupid does. Stupid should hurt! Stupidity should be punished. Stupify Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them. Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!! Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat. Support a cause stop plate tectonics. Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have. Support publik edekasion Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have. Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways? T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female. Take me drunk I' m home. Talk only if you can improve on the silence. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either! Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun. Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist. Tennis players have fuzzy balls. Thank You...YOU MAY GO!! Thanks for being a contestant. That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more. The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot? The beatings will continue until employee morale improves. The beatings will continue until morale improves. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened. The buck doesn't even slow down here. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The Earth Is Full - Go Home The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam. The horn blows does the driver! The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same! The meek will Internet the world. The more I learn, the less I understand. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live. The more you listen, the more you know. The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. The princess is in. The road to hell is paved with democrats! The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography The Second Place Is The First Loser The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette. The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The squeaky wheel is often replaced. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't. There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!! There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes. There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it.. There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary. They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! THINK before you ACT. This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day! This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron. This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker! This is not an abandoned car. This is the rebel base. This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.. This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson. This was better than any diet I've ever been on. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. To all you virgins; thanks for nothing! To be loved, be lovable To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid. To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy. To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group. Today's subliminal message is: ( ) Too many freaks, not enough circus's! Try it sober! Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore. Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS! Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button. Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER! Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes. visualize whirled peas Vote BUSH/CHENEY Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. WARNING: mental backup in progress. Was today really necessary? WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We are having EVER so much fun! We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. We are the people our parents warned us about. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? Welcome to California. Now go home! Welcome to reality...come again soon. Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles Well, isn't that special! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about? What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? wHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND?? What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand? WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO! What would Xena Do? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. What, are you stuck on stupid. Whatever! When all else fails, lower your standards. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING. When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass. When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always.' When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in. When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty When there's a will, I want to be in it! When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Where is this porn? Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way. Where there's a will there's a BEER! Where there's a will, I want to be in it! Which came first, the woman or the department store? Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM? Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? who needs this crap. Who put a stop payment on my reality check? Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Who's Your Daddy? Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night? Why are girls that way? Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Why be normal? Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up? Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it? Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? WHY ME? Wink, I'll do the rest! Without pain and suffering you have no choice! Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now! Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems? Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!. Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road! Yes, in fact...my father does own this road. Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that. You ain't seen nothin' yet... You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot You are driving to close I can see your bald spot. YOU ARE HERE! You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You are right where you belong, behind me! You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. You can't be late until you show up. You get all this and my dads loaded. You have been a naughty boy, go to my room! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You You have to be really secure to be seen in this car. You just lived your best moment, now GO live another! You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap. You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker? You! Out Of The Gene Pool! YOU! Out of the gene pool. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole Your honor student deals the best drugs. Your lucky color has faded. Your such a Muggle! Your village called, their idiot is missing. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. You're not the boss of me! GoodQuotes.com is part of the Bored.com network. © 2005 All Rights Reserved. Contact Us here.

Stupid Quotes "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress "How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach "The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer Mistranslation Actual Signs That We Have Found ======================== A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist. Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs. Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment. Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted. Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose? English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating. Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear! In a Beauty Shop: Dye now! In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you. In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs. In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here. In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness. In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor. In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels. In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour! In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait. In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here? Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push. On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin. On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.) On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable. On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot. On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card... On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you. On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte. On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et. On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission. On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques. Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1. Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming. Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner. Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak. Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak. Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed. Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you. This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to. Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber. International Signs (Mis-Translations) ======================================== Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily. Athens, Greece hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE take your bags and send them in all directions. Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages. Denmark: in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. German/Austria: a sign in a hotel catering to skiers read Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. German/Germany: in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. Germany's Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service. Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Istanbul hotel corridor sign: Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises. Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. Japanese information booklet about a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself. Kyushi, Japan Detour sign: Stop: Drive Sideways. Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. London department store: Bargain basement upstairs. London office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Majorcan shop entrance: Here speeching American. Moscow hotel lobby across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Roman doctor's office: Specialist in women and other diseases. Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Sweden: in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. Thailand: an ad for donkey rides asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?. Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice. Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run. Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. Vienna, Austria hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. Yugoslavia: a sign in a hotel read The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway. Yugoslavia: in the Europa Hotel, in Sarajevo, you will find this message on every door: Guests should announce the abandonment of theirs rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock, for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival or after the 16 o'clock at the departure, will be billed as one night more.. Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. Silly Quotes "Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil." Crazy is a relative term in my family! Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." "Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to." Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~ Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents. "Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming." "don't drink and drive you might spill your beer" If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs. I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life. "Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road." I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love.....it never seems to last Silence is silver, but music is gold... Lifes Tough, get a helmet! loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty! "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." Constipated People Don't Give A crap. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. The Earth Is Full - Go Home. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit. You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Ax Me About Ebonics. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel. Boldly Going Nowhere. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost? GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE. All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON" "i'm not tailgating, i'm keeping up with the pace car" Roadhead cures Roadrage... Tell your girlfriend I said thanks " WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. " normal people worry me you say physco like it's a bad thing those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do This delinquent is having sex with your honor student. Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas. "Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you ever." ~ Holly Marie Combs don't regret doing things, regret getting caught None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all "my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me." "it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game " - penny anae everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE Anger is one letter short of danger. One death is one too many. Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams. If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over. Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same. "I'm going to live life or die trying" im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice "We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams." "We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"~unknown "Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license." "You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial."--Homer J. Simpson If you die, I'll kill you!" There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day. Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!" MOM Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be "Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!" "Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.". They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?. "When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!". Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless. Love is like heaven but hurts like hell. " Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information". You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson. "Is tuna really Chicken?" - Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea" "I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous "Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!'" Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you. "Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle." "When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown "I'll kill you until you die!!" "They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush" "I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!" "Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter." "I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose" "The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus" "I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose" "Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it." "I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states" "A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation" "It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"! I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!! "There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it." If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie! Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome The entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast! Consciousness- that annoying time between naps Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them "Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass" I love him, O yes I do, He's for me, not for you, And if by chance you take my place, I'll take my fist and smash your face! "God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!" Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons! For you are crunchy And taste good with ketchup Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright! "Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died" Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright! "Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died" Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright! It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone! Every morning is the dawn of a new error Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved Dain bramaged Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) A Laundromat: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT All your base are belong to us May the smile on your face Come straight from your heart Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry Maybe this world is another planet's hell A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans Most good judgement comes from experience. Most experience comes from bad judgement. You can't cheat an honest man One slip, and down the hole we fall It seems to take no time at all Does the noise in my head bother you? I know a million ways To always pick the wrong thing to say I must be an acrobat To talk like this and act like that Every rose has its thorn. Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by." - Douglas Adams. "Unus, sed leo!" [One, but a lion!] - Aisopos (Fabulae 194). "»Stay« is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary." - Bronson Allcott. "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." - Dave Barry. "Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours." - M. Berle. "Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." - George Burns. "An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less." - Nicholas Murray Butler. "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." - W.C. Fields. "When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?" - Douglas Gauck. "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J.P. Getty. "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." - Matt Groening. "I'm gonna live forever, or die trying." - Joseph Heller (Catch 22). "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." - Benny Hill. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen. I fought the lawn, and the lawn won! Life in a vacuum sucks You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed Two wrongs are only the beginning. You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever. "Suicide Hotline...please hold." All work and no play, will make you a manager. As I said before, I never repeat myself. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...? hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Conserve energy... fart in a jar Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened! Gravestones Here lies, All cold and hard, The last damn dog, That pooped in my yard! Liberty, Humanity, Justice, Equality Susan Brownell Anthony (Mount Hope Cemetery; Rochester, New York) The mortal remains of Ethan Allen, fighter, writer, statesman, and philosopher, lie in this cemetery beneath the marble statue. His spirit is in Vermont now. Ethan Allen (Greenmount Cemetery; Burlington, Vermont) Wife-Mother-Actress-Author The world will remember. Eve Arden (Westwood Memorial Park; Westwood, California) He thinketh no evil Henry Ward Beecher (Green-Wood Cemetery; Brooklyn, New York). "That's All Folks!" The Man of a Thousand Voices Mel Blanc (Hollywood Memorial Park; Hollywood, California) Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King -- He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney "Billy the Kid" (Fort Sumner Cemetery; Fort Sumner New Mexico). Sleep with a smile. Sammy Cahn (Westwood Memorial Park; Westwood, California) My Jesus Mercy Alphonse Capone (Mt. Carmel Cemetery; Chicago, Illinois) - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

Do they put underwear on corpses? Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on? If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise? Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies? If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight? If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense? Is the vice president's wife called the second lady? Do you wake up or open your eyes first? Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time? If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing? Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings? Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears? Can a unborn baby fart or burp? If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count? If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness? Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats? Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast? What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question? Is it possible to be allergic to water? When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God? Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it? If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it? Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books? Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs. How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does? Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun? Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables? How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color? Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith? Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade? Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck? Whats a question with no answer called? How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there? When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them? If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb? "What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?" Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing? Do bald people get dandruff? Why doesn't baking soda freeze? What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes? If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty? If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee? Can a person with no ears wear glasses? Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)? Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too? If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop? How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes? Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach? Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David? Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute? If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart? Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket? Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores? Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it? Do stairs go up or down? When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place? Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it? Do coffins have lifetime guarantees? Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up? If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers? If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? Are marbles made of marble? Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup? If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived) Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she? How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable? "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?? Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom? Can mute people burp? What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn? Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with? How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play? If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware? If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold? Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside? Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable? Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars? Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? Why do you go “back and forth� to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Why can't you get a tan on your palms? If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down? Why is a square meal served on round plates? Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1? Which way does a compass point in space? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? Why do all superheroes wear spandex? If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Why did Mary own a little lamb? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother? If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man? If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do? Why are Pringles curved? What happens if your snot freezes in your nose? Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops? Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par� in any thing else? Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead? Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it? Can bald men get lice?? How come popcorn isn't a vegetable? Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene? Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them? Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters? Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water? Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps? If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license? How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off? Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there? Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want? If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable? What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas? When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh? Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more? Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Is sign language the same in languages other than English? Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number? Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one? Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well? If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey? If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop? When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother? Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident? Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii? If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water? If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products? 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ? Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ? Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine? Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number? Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white? Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper? Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong? If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later? If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ? Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18? Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage? Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down? Can a metal plate in your head get rusted? Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet? What do vegetarians feed their dogs? Can someone give up lent for lent? Why would Dodge make a car called Ram? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why is it when we duck they call us chicken? Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17? What did cured ham actually have? If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards? If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano? If a man has no fingers, can he press charges? Can a blind man see his future? Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? Can you write in pencil on an eraser? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths? Can you blow a balloon up under water? Can crop circles be square? How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap? Why are there black lines on a basketball? Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible? Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun? If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in? If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out? Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it? If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you?? Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary? When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference? Can a person choke and die on a life savor? Why are women and men's shoe sizes different? What happens when you say “hi� to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack? If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space? Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes? Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for? Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer? Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird? Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals? If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man? Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water? If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors? Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why do birds bob their heads when they walk? Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill? How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does? When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die? If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert? Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there? Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity? What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time? Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on? If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die? If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident? If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price? If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church? When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand? Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics? If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to? Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend? Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover? If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white? If a table is propped up can it be propped down? If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil? Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza? How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place? Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? Can you fart and burp at the same time? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry? If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical? If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove? Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs? Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides? If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store? Is there anything easier done than said? Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia? Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people? If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play? Are you able to fart in heaven? Why isn't sour cream really sour? Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway? Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Do ducks sneeze? Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom? Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub? Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon? Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible? If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it? Can vampires donate blood? If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to? If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor? How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church? If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will? Why is there an L in NOEL? If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk? Why is Bra singular and Panties plural? What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle? Do fish ever get thirsty? Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open? If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed? If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on? Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them? On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one? Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number?? Can angels eat devils food cake? If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way? Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds? Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down? Is bad a bad word? If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called? What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!? Why do they call front seat shotgun? Why are all farms red? Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo? Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV? Why are there dents in a golf ball? Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper? How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich? When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not? What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room? Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up? If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then? How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars Did Noah keep his bees in archives? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? What do mermaids eat? If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan? If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery? If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible? Is atheism is a non-prophet organization? If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out? If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away? Why are all farms red? why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't? Are there female leprechauns? Do judges and lawyers do jury duty? Do fish sleep? Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light? Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together? Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another? On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1? Do pigs pull ham strings? Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters? Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"? Why do people say heads up when you should duck? Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights? Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone? Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks? Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap? Can dogs have dog days? When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president? If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday? Do birds pee? Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts? Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk? What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not? If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see? Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for? If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator? If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage? If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing? If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind? Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing? Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How do you throw away a garbage can? Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada? Why do old men have hair in their ears? Why are things typed up but written down? Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end? If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound? If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? What does OK actually mean? what does the K in K-mart actually stand for? Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down? Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner? Why do donuts have holes? Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning? Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different? If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days? If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard? If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles? Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill? Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"? Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille? How do you handcuff a one-armed man? Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering? Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up? If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm? If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government? If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you? Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests? Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place? Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward? If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself? Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body? How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white? Why do British people never sound British when they sing? Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance? Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels? Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane? Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell? How do they get those boats in those glass bottles? Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly? Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? How did the headless horseman know where he was going? Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down? Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet? How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually? Do cows drink milk? Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name? If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out?? What is a male ladybug called? Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks? Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on? If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation? How fast do hotcakes sell? If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Does the President have to pay taxes? Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights? If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair? If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them? Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag? What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ? Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? What do you call a female daddy long legs? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up? In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast? Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ? Why are SOFTballs hard? Do vampires get AIDS? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps? Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring? If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"? What do people in China call their good plates? Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest? If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds? Does a postman deliver his own mail? Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself? If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken? Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car? Does peanut butter really have butter in it? Do mimes watch silent movies? Is the fear of flying groundless? Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway? If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing? Why are boxing rings square? Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it? Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it? Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do birds have white poop? Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot? Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down? Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like? Do sore thumbs really stick out? Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house? Why do we scrub Down and wash Up? What's the opposite of opposite? If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice? Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails? Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word? Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire� when they know the answer is going to be everyone? Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming? If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite? How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder? If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing? Why is a woman in a suit a "business person� but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"? When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon? Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson? Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan? How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship? Can you make cheese out of human breast milk? IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES? If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted? How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters? If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it? Do Dutch people always split the bill? Can you sleep forever without being in coma? Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it? If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light? How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible? If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage? Why is the blackboard green? Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple? Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10? What do you call male ballerinas? How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter? If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first? Why are pennies bigger than dimes? Did they have antiques in the olden days? Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid? Is a sleeping bag a nap sack? What came first, the fruit or the color orange? Where does the white go when the snow melts? Can blind people see their dreams? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows? Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist? Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off? If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?" Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not? Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER? Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage? Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings? What happens if someone loses a lost and found box? Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump? What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg? If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object? What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy? If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers? How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up? How can you hear yourself think? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man? Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot? How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing? If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas? If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade? Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light? why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car? Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy? How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on? Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom? Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open? Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney? If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to? If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken? Why are turds pinched off at the end? I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed? If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends? Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants? If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented? How come overtones and undertones are the same thing? What would you use to dilute water? What should one call a male ladybird? How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with? If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you? Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Aren't all generalizations false? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them? Did Adam and Eve have navels? Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window! Do fish get cramps after eating? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Do one legged ducks swim in circles? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's? Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can someone "draw a blank"? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How can there be "self help GROUPS"? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad? How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness? How is it possible to have a civil war? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? If God dropped acid, would he see people? How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk? If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause? If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat? If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him? If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits? If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If inert is to be stationary, what is ert? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum? If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2? If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery? If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently? If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? If you bear a child, why do you have a cow? If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them? If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain? If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time? If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done? If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? If you take a shower, where do you put it? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly? If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is there a Dr. Salt? Isn't hot water already hot? Can you grow birds by planting birdseed? Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? Shouldn't it be some things in moderation? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? What came first the chicken or the egg? What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What color would a smurf turn if you choked it? What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? What do sheep count when they can't sleep? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What happened to the first 6 ups? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is another word for "thesaurus"? What is the speed of dark? What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on? What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? What's another word for synonym? When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt? When people lose weight, where does it go? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Where are Preparations A through G? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Who invented accents? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange? Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop? Why aren't there bulletproof pants? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force? Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually? Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down? Why do guys wear underpants? Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee? Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees? Why don't you ever see baby pigeons? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Have ex-punsters been expunged? How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice? Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot? If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself? Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters? Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time? If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? If you died with braces on would they take them off? Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not? Do cows have calf muscles? How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes? Do babies produce more spit than adults? Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..." Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out! "Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message. BEEP." You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP! Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP! These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. Hey, it's ________ Sorry you can't get through Leave your name and your number And I'll get back to you Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine . So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything. Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep... Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called. Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'. Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message? C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns. Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Heaven, God speaking... Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis! Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera. Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep. Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges. Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks. Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me? Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air. Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.") Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money. Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping. Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.) Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me. Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP) Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this? Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!! Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in. Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping. hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP) Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it. Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep? Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep. Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1. Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.) Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number? Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message! Hi, you know the drill. Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye. Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi. Now you say something. Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you... How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the... I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep. I'm gone. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message? I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can say is leave me a Just put on a recording of a busy signal. Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message... Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. let the machine get it. like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible . Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply. My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1... Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing; the kids are misbehaving, and can't come to the phone. Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name... Suicide Hotline...please hold. Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth. Thank you. Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over. Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day. Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air... This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna e Mobile." This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is "baby booties." This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. to get away from you!" Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.) voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good. You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show. You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do. You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home. You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message? (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot. (Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 555-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message. (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner! (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues. (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. (In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. (In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep. (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.) (Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. (Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. (Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. (or) (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 555-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide. (Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message. (Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way... (Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor... (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag. (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us. (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? (With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. (Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.) [Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ... [Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. [Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a! [In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking... [in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. [in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. [Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? [Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. [Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.... [Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. [Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. [Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Paint your windows. Boil ice cream. Join Hell's Angels by mail. Redecorate your garage. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids. Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel. Climb a sidewalk. Donate your brother's body to science. Have your cat bronzed. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes. Learn to type...with your toes. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins. Mow your carpet. Paint your home...day-glo orange. Pinstripe your driveway. Plant a shoe. Play Houdini with one of your siblings. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.) Ride a loaf of bread. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement. Speak in acronyms. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts. Take your sofa for a walk. Turn your TV picture tube upside down. Wax the ceiling.

organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces. organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time. organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time. superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up. write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair. lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already. place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard. when you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc. screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh. leave a Snickers bar in the toilet. ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds". Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right? If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-|/??!]}. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky". Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action." Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee.. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.) Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies

Play with your food; to add effect, act like it's a special performance for the people at the next table. Turn around every thirty-seven seconds to the people at the next table and ask them if your seat is too close, if you're talking too loud, etc. Whenever you see someone getting up and leaving, bolt to their table and take the tip before the wait-person returns. Eat REALLY loud; make disgusting noises; slurp EVERY time you take a sip of your drink. Constantly re-adjust the positions of absolutely EVERYTHING at your table; seats, silverware, dishes, the table itself; and make sure to make a big production out of it. Order something on the menu, preferably something very specific, then when it comes, claim it's wrong and you ordered something simple. Make a big production about the ineptitude of the help. If shells are on the menu, order them and take them home. Come in the next day and say, "Those shells you sold me jammed up my shotgun! I want my money back!" As soon as someone at a nearby table gets up, jump into their seat immediately, and claim you've been there the whole night. This is especially great when the others at that table are in on it. Whenever anyone leaves their seat at another table, put some particularly messy peice of food on their seat. Two Words: Food Fight. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the person's head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.) Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying. Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their food back.

Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices Wear golf shoes. Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!" Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out. When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy. Explain to the owner how your game is "All sorts of messed up" due to plate tectonics, then lose him in lingo. Demand compensation. Make lewd and graphic references to your "ball". Works well on Senior Ladies night Play bocci with extra lane balls Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off. Hide behind the pins, stick your head up laughing hysterically Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours Root for the other team - bring banners. Make fun of your team - bring lettuce. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments. Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEERIKE Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl. Blatently UNderscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball and run home. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs and blame plate tectonics. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone. Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm. Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Leave town. Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night. Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling. Name your ball something like "KILLER". Openly boast to everyone how great you are, throw like a wimp, do this all night Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn. Bring a dartgun. Be inventive. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref. Run around sprinkling "magic fairy dust" on everyone's balls. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance Fee, advertise it like crazy using every mass media known to man, make the 3rd Prize $10,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize $5,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave.

• Specify that this order is "To Go". • Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order. • At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast. • When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it. • Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. • Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order. • Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?" • When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off. • Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything. • Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all. • Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ". • When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it. Honk your horn the whole way through the line. • When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message". • Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. • Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside. • After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume. • Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. • Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. • Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please." • In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food. • When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. • Drive through with a car load of naked people. • Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion. • Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food. • Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice. • Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. • If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe." • All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth! I work for the IRS. Have you ever tried cat meat? I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas. I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny! The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me! I puked on the last person who flew next to me. My butt reeeally itches! Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose! My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures. The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator. Would you hold this messy kleenex for me? Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar. I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you? The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous. Wow, look at that little boy in the third row! Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?! Hey, does your urine ever turn blue? I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not! This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary. Oh damn, my diaper's wet again! If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up. Wanna buy a gerbil? Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David! Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off. Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border! I've just been treated for tapeworms. Don Knotts is my favorite actor! I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck. The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago. Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle? I collect aluminum foil. Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers! I work in a landfill. I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience. I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded! I work on a Japanese whaling ship. We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?

"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out. Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice. Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Ask if you can buy a shopping cart. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies! Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!" Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you". Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you." Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people. Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?" Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles. Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek. Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!" Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) . Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing. Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!� Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away. Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game. Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does! Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours. Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.) Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild. have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!� hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!" Hold indoor shopping cart races. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out) Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms. Make farting noises as you walk by someone. Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...“Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you.� Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. Play "Marco Polo." Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you . Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. Play with the automatic doors. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section. Put M&M's on layaway. Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. roll cans of soup down the aisles. run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand. Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get! Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!" Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face. Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Set up a battle of laser tag . Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut. Shoot the bungee tops at customers. Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can. Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!" Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom. Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?" Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith Take bets on the battle described above. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can. TP as much of the store as possible. Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!" Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere. Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!" walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day! Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down. Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her. Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you. Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!" When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy" When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!!! While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?" Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. Answer their questions with questions. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) Ask for chips/fries with everything! Ask for extra homo-sapien Ask for the guy who took your order last time. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese. Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. Ask to see a menu. Ask what the order taker is wearing. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. backwards pizza your order Be vague in your order. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. Change your accent every three seconds. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" Eliminate verbs from your speech. Engage in some serious swapping. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up Haggle. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck. Imitate the order taker's voice. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year. Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave! Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni). Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Order a one-inch pizza. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Order a steamed pizza. Order one with ants. Order term life insurance. Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss! Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader) Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. Order your pizza, singing in falseto! Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. Play a sitar in the background. Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW� and hang up. Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering. Psychoanalyze the order taker. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. Put them on hold. Quote Carl Sandberg. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. Rent a pizza. Repeat every third third word twice Report a petty theft to the order taker. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. Say your order as fast as humanly possible. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up! Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly Stutter on the letter "p." Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Try to talk while drinking something. Use CB lingo where applicable. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.