Administer last rites as s/he sleeps. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana). Always flush the toilet three times. Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player." Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave. Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun. Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!" Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room. Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum. Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer." Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot. Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically, "It didn't work!" Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away. Burn incense. Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the store..." Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book. Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'" Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, "I bought it for the articles." Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful. Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one." Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die. Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. Call him/her Mommy. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it. Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you. Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it. Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily. Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while." Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor. Collect all your urine in a small jug. Collect Chia Pets. Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong." Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array. Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue. Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them. Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive." Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester. Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a bulge under your jacket. Constantly slip and fall on your carpet. Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..." Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate. Cry a lot. Cut the faces out of all your pictures. Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!! Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies. Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate... Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk. Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr. Don't ever flush. Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby. Dress in drag. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more." Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. Dye all your underwear lime green. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick. Eat glass. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them. Eat moths. Eat raw pasta for dinner. Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the virtue of being prompt. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so. Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!" Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...." Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!" Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim, "She made me do it!" Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS. Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate check. Repeat as desired. Follow him/her around on weekends. Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you can't." Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again. Funnel Pepsi. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!! Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. Get a copy of your roommate's car key. Turn his/her car around in its parking space. A few days later, move it to the next space. A few days after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving the car to a different lot. Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it. Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be really hard. Wish him/her luck. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling. Give him/her an allowance. Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily. Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu. Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry. Give your roommate the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas" song. Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army. Go for joy-rides in the washing machine. Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words "death" and "children." Insist that he study them. Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. Groom yourself like a cat. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...." Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "You've been very naughty this year." Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. Hang all of your posters up facing the wall. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me." Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. Hang your roommate in effigy. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director. Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!" Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito. Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed. If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks. If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed. Invite the Dean to sleep over. Invite the school President to sleep over. Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing. Invite your roommate to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming. Invite your roommate to sleep over. Invite your roommate's parents to a "surprise" party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat." Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious." Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate "has any desires." Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere." Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time. Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks. Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. Learn to play an accordion. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. Leave apple cores on his/her bed. Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out. Let mice loose in his/her room. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. Lick him/her while they are asleep. Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face. Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you. Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out. Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen. Listen to nothing but obscure Broadway musicals. Learn all the words and sing along. Be sure to do all the different voices. Listen to radio static. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes out. Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.") Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor. Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls. Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does. Move all of his furniture outside. Tell him/her that it was such a nice day out, you wanted to be sure s/he enjoyed it. Move all of your possessions to your roommate's side of the room, and all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next day. Do this each day for a week. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you. Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best. Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study. Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. Open a can of his/her beans or spaghetti, empty it into his/her bed and then replace the can in the cupboard. Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is. Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find. Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up. Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. Pin a pointsettia to your lapel. Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign. Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a cardboard sword. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours. Play violent games with imaginary friends. Plug your telephone handset into your modem's in jack. Make the modem noises into the handset. ("Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee...") Complain about how your stupid computer never works. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure s/he follows it. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies. Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!) Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you "cannot wipe." Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity. Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation. Put horseradish in your shoes. Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore. Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank." Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room. Put peas in the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines. Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets. Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying to "loosen up" the room. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. Quote Bob Barker at length. Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!") Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words. Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly. Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half. Refer to yourself in the royal third person. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language. Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation. Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants. Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like "the enemy." Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room. Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them. Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate's bed. Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights. Say everything in Pig Latin. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate. Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail. Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your roommate was smoking. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same. Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. Shave off one of your eyebrows. Buy a doll or plush animal and shave one of its eyebrows as well. Whenever you enter the room, give a secret salute and handshake to the toy. Sit with it for hours and talk loudly about the folly of the two-eyebrowed ones. Shave off one of your eyebrows. Look at your profile in the mirror for hours each day; first one side, then the other. Every three minutes, remark to your roommate, "Something looks different..." When s/he comments on your eyebrow, look surprised and ask when your one eyebrow appeared. Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor). Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall. Skip to the bathroom. Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be free! Fly, be free!" Smile. All the time. Smoke ballpoint pens. Smoke mistletoe. Do whatever comes naturally. Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep. Speak in tongues. Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate. Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in the Youth Subculture" class. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. Start a brothel. Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers. Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?" Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn." Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it. Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn diarrhea." Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend. Take his/her underwear. Wear it. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes. Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own. Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you. Talk while pretending to be asleep. Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!" Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed. Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout, "Animal killer!" Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate. Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again." Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck. Try to eat your own ear. Two words: Nudist colony. Two words: pet liverwurst. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you go to bed, take a big swig from the jar. Use a bible as Kleenex. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" Walk and talk backwards. Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't there. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. Walk into walls. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me." Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it. Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after lights out. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "He sees you when you're sleeping..." Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it. Wear a silly hat. Wear all of your clothes backwards. Wear ammonia as a cologne. Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often. Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat. Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly. Wear Underoos. Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you." When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave. When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, "OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it. When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming "Rashes! Rashes!" as loud as you can. Repeat during classes. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about. When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back over to your roommate's side, angrily telling him/her, "Stop invading my space." When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization. When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up. Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too. Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month. Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself. Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up. Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make loud chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes, then call whoever it was back. Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?"). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what s/he's talking about. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR. Whip your roommate screaming "Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen..." Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls. Worship the Professor and Mary Ann. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself. Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.