ha, long time no write! its been months upon months and months... like almost a year! shit son! i dont go to high school no mo, i graduated. it was fun, but wayy overrated. then i moved out of my house to live on the avenue in the SHITTIEST, NASTIEST apartment alive, partied harder than i ever had, had the best fucking summer of my life, got the privledge to live with the best roommates in the world, and wake up/fall asleep next to my sexy ass sweetheart every morning/night.. except the times when we would pass out at different areas of the house. then we moved to a new shitty ass apartment that eventually turned nasty too, on the sketchiest street on the avenue. the gang fight and our friend ryan who got beat with a lead pipe led us to our next desicion to move out again, back to all of our parents house after 4 months of freedom.. bummer. me and sean are saving right now though and we are looking to move out in december. i fucking hate living here at my parent's. im only here like 2 or 3 nights a week though, and when i am here, they are at work. its really differnt to live w/ a boyfriend, and then not. and im real bummed cus tonight i have to work (close). ive been working an insane amount of hours lately, like all kinds of 8 hour shifts i just hate hate hate closing especially on a friday night. sean lags at calling as much as i would like him to. soooooooo this will probably be the last time i will write for a couple a months. oh yah and i didnt enroll in vc yet, but i am this upcoming semester, hopefully, i just lag :( bye bye!

i dont know why im writing in this right now. 1/2 way through with my senior year of high school, and its pretty intense! my life consists of community service, which i do downtown, at this place called the girl's club. i really like it, its really cute. we do arts and crafts and play four square and stuff. then i also work, i hate my job, its possibly the worst job you can imagine.. it used to be alright because i really liked my coworkers, but now a lot of them are quitting. and i dont know what to do. i plan on quitting in january when minimum wage is said to raise, and go back to my old job. then the other time im trying to do homework and school projects, hanging out w/ my friends, trying to exercize (but it doesnt work out too well..) and uhmm hanging out with my boyfriend. im still with david. i just applied to colleges, my top choice is Santa Cruz although I dont know if im going to get accepted or not, I HOPE SO! i already got accepeted into san francisco state, and that is my second choice. the holidays are coming up, and that really excites me. i love the holidays. this year i really want a cute pair of moccasins, and a warm like, vietnam style fitted winter coat. i love to bundle up, love the old weather, icy wind. my school, is alright. its going i sopose. i dont have too many friends, sometimes its gets annoying. true friends arent true friends if you feel like a nuisance when you hang around them. blah

i had the most bizarre dream last night. taylor was in it. and we like had sex in it, (i dont know why at all) then after i was like "you and shaylah dont have anything right?" and he was like "well..." and i got terrified and immediately regretted doing it, like intensely. but then i remembered while i was still dreaming that this was a dream. everything was ok. i love that about dreams. it enables to erase things and mistakes you made. that would never, ever happen in real life though. gosh the dream was so weird. ive sort of been thinking about him a lot though. i dont like it..i heard once in order to get completely over someone you cant talk to them for 6 months. i dont like him "like that" at all (!!) anymore. i just worry about him.. the shit hes getting into. its narly and it is shit. its bullshit too!! he used to be so amazing. we used to fit together perfectly. a perfect match. except not. a deranged psychaotic match. thats what it turned into. and i keep thinking about how i fucked this one guy over in october.. he was such a nice guy too! but it just didnt feel right you know. im such a shitty person some times.. really. but i usually have good intentions.. this trip has provided me with way too much thinking time. 4 more days left !!! i cant wait. david called me last night and he was like "dont ever leave me for this long again" like i had a choice haha. he makes my stomach weak.

im going to start writing in this again. its so anonymous. i havent kept a true diary for like more than a year now and all my life i have. its weird. but i havent really had an urge to until right now. im so happy its summer now. one more year of highschool to go. time flies. im in hawaii right now. im trying to get a good tan and get in good shape. better shape. but i just ate some spaghetti so that isnt helping. i swim laps every night. its a lot of fun. the wind here is so warm. its not like in ventura where a breeze gives you the chills. here its like a blanket and it makes you feel sleepy and comfortable. and the waves at the beach. i can stare at them forever.. but the sand sticks to you and is hard to rub off. i have 2 best friends now. their names are reem and sarah. sarah had to move to kansas recently but we talk on the phone almost everyday. reem is going to college in august and she is seriously my other half. i also have a boyfriend. who is amazing. he is the complete opposite from my last boyfriend (who i now hate). his name is david, and ive talked about him before. i met him at a party like in december and we just kept on talking and seeing eachother around and then we got to know eachother more and more and now this 2 weeks is the first time when i havent hung out w/ him on the weekend since like.. february. hes truthful and mature and is one of the most honest people i know. he takes the whole "i love you" thing really serious. one time i told him awhile ago and he said "you know thats a really serious thing and we havent been together that long. i know were gonna be together for a long time but i dont think we should be saying that right now" it hurt... but a couple nights ago before i left he said it. i cant explain how it felt to hear him say that..... its like everything got in slow motion.. i almost felt like crying or something because i was that happy.. and it just feels so good to know that its real. he wouldnt say it otherwise. people say it so loosely now a days. half the time when they say it its really lust.. half the time they just want to get in your pants. like 3% of the time its real...

yesturday was valentine's day. usually things like valentine's day .. i dont give a fuck about. but. yesturday because i dont know why it wasnt that easy. i went to david's work and visited him at lunch and i dropped off a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. he was smiling the whole time. but. i havent heard from him.. i wish he wasnt so shy.. and he is very shy. i wish he knew that the way i feel is genuine. and i wish i wasnt so insecure. i really am. and i hope that all i am being is insecure, and that he still does have feelings for me... because i sort of have a feeling that maybe he doesnt like me anymore. ive layed it all out there. so many drunken nights with him, out on the balcony of ryan's apartment with his arms wrapped around me keeping me steady.. hes got to know. so what is it thats holding him back? did i fuck up this one also?? and i dont feel well. my bodys aching. i hope i dont have mono. why do i always think i have mono? seriously every time i get sick im like.. alright, this is it, this time im getting it for sure... last night for valentine's sarah and i and yesenia went to joe's crab shack for our "romantic dinner".. it was fun. we didnt go to yoga.. blahh i just wish i knew

dont ask me why i suddenly felt like writing in this again because i have no idea. way too many things to fill in, too many things that have happened. i just got out of the bath and now my skin feels soft just they way i love but my hair is itchy and gross still because i didnt wash it. i love weekends so much. i guess you can say i live for them. i love these people im friends with now. they are soo cool. and great and funny. and i like this boy david so much. im going to sleep now. even though its only 7. i want to get a good night sleep. im so happy

im real sad not sad but theres something clearly wrong im so sick of feeling used, like im only good for one thing, like for once maybe itll be something different this time, that the guy is interested its not just a fling. it never is, i should never think that again. i should never get near a guy again. i should never let a guy get near me again. i should never do this again. even if i dont like him that much, i put it in my head, hey, maybe this guy is interested, and its always in the back of my mind... but he never is. the phone rings i think its it, it never is. its always on my mind it never goes away i just dont know i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt get attached i wish i could find the right guy thats all i want for christmas. a decent guy

today it happened i finally saw him and by him i mean eric and by eric i mean the boy ive been thinking about constantly for a little over a month/amazing boy i met at this party/boy that asked for my number and never called he came into my work breathe i couldnt even believe like what i have been looking for for all that time was right in front of me, as fucking ridiculous at it seems my heart sunk into my tummy and i couldnt breathe i was thinking so quickly and my legs were shaking we talked and laughed and we are hanging out friday i gave him my RIGHT # because when i first gave it to him we were both drunk and i guess he put it in wrong i seriously just hope he calls me i kind of feel like hes not and i shouldnt get my hopes up just like wowwwwww how amazing if this worked out

hi, so life has been very good this week, i got my license afterall. the test was surprisingly easy, the man who tested me like helped me out at soem parts. its really fun being able to drive to and from school and to my friend's houses whenever i please. ive been to Salzers and downtown more times this week than i have in the last couple months. and i am obsessed with blasting my favorite bands/songs and driving by myself singing the lyrics as loud as i can, checkin out hotties on the way. fucking scum bag hahaha ive been hanging out with brooke alot lately, i love that girl, shes hilarious. sarah too. i love the both of em. tomarrow night should be fun.. im pretty sure im jsut going to be disappointed.. I REALLYYYYYYY want to see him. reallyreallyreally and im pretty sure this isnt beneficial in anyway, my feelings for him that is. sdlakjfhsdfkjsadh seriously, you have no idea how PERFECT this guy is. perfectperfectperfect. ive been trying to raise my grades, i got a geometry tutor, i almost fell asleep during the lesson. she has one of the voices that just lures you to sleep. and im over school by the way. i feel incredibly detached from everyone. im big on connection. i dont feel it there. i want to go to pacific. or el camino. not really el camino. pacific. i wish i could. whatevs. <333333333333333

im so nervous, im taking my drivers test in less than 45 minutes. shitshitshitshitshit im so nervous. i saw this really hot boy in the vitamin store today, he was wearing good shoes. you can always tell how cool a guy is by the shoes. im really really nervous.

people are so stupid.

so im feeling alot better which is cool but im not better all the way. im thinking i might be back @ school on tuesday. im really really sure i dont have mono now, yay :)ive been trying to take real good care of myself. i even took a shower today! and a nap, it was probably the best nap ive ever had. i fell asleep to jimi hendrix, mayn it was great, i totally forgot where i was lol. youd think staying at your house for a 6 days straight would be the worst thing ever, and although sometimes it feels like it, there are much worse things and it really wasnt that bad. highlights include watching friends w/ my sister, getting phone calls from true friends, and listening to music. also driving. thats one of the things my parents have let me do, and i take the test on monday, cant fucking wait. i got a new cd today, Isis, they are amazing. dude cds are so cool. but it hasnt been that bad. i really wish i was better though, amies having a final get together at her house tonight, i cant help but feel left out. oh well though it could be much worse. i wish i could see eric.... gahhh how could he be sooo fucking perfect?

lol i love how i havent written in this for like ever. online diaries are so lame. hah. i never ever express how im really feeling, or the important things going on in my life. whatevs this weekend was ok. nothing compared to last weekend. i wish i could go back in time 1 week ago and like relive that night. i totally took it for granted. i want more then anything for this to work out. you have no idea. he lives so close and hes so fucking cool it would just be like wonderful. why am i like this? i never used to be so dependent. ps im not talking about taylor. ew @ all. its really exciting cus im finally over him. i like eric. i want him soo bad. das;ldsakjdfdsafl;kj. i wanted to see him this weekend i just want it to work out. what the fuck ever my throat hurts im home sick from school which is why im writing in this i want the weather to turn cold already im pretty sure i have strep throat kissing dirty boys = a no no. haha i wish the show wasnt cancelled last night and that i could have seen him. why the fuck does he occupy all my thoughts all of them ugh is this is lame bye

it bugs me how people say things. then once they are given the chance they become a total hypocrite and go against everything they ever said. once they are accepted again. shit people bug me. i had a pretty fun night last night, i love amy g and becky wow. alot. and taylor. today after work i brought him a sub. things are falling into place and im happy. i have homework to do but im going to wait till the very last minute lol. im excited for school. i love my friendsies and i get to go off campus. geometry is hard. taylors such a nice person. kc is too. he deserves a great girl seriously. and im like obsesed with reem seriously nicest girl ever. i dont understand why all my old friends are being fucking lame lately. shawnas a BITCH. SJDSASDF UGH. okay well yhea im gonna go im drinking some delicious aquafina water its so good. yhea ps i love my boyfrined

waddup wow i havent written in this in the longest time. i feel like i might as well. the other day i tried to get in the habit of having a real journal again. but that didnt work out.. ..... hmmm. today was ok. i had my shitty classes except for geometry cus star and charly are in that class and they are both wonderful. and i think i understood the math. and the whole day went by pretty quick except at lunch. afterschool i had drivers training and i kept like messing up. but i love thinking about when i get my car license. im saving up for my car. im pretty much there. its going to be GREAT. i love having a job its like my life has substance now. hahaha. but seriously its great. when my mom gets back from hawaii im going to buy makeup. the expensive kind. with my $300 paycheck. and im going to get an atm card. im gonna go

livejournals better than sitdiary now :( but ill be backk

whats up! sooo things have been weird. its like they havent been very good but right now im in a good mood. i think its cus i just got off the phone w/ shawna. i might go to the aejis show w/ her and chelsea and charlotte. for some reason that sounds like so much fun. idk why! lol well i do love chelsea and shawna. well i do right now (im bipolar when it comes w/ my friendssss) but yhea i was going to this party w/ taylor but i think id rather go to the show! even though i dont like ventura shows anymore! why? cus all these lameys go now. i remember in 8th grade when there wasnt as many kids there as there is now. but that makes sense. considering the main people who listen to these bands are kids. and the "underground" music scene is no longer underground in fact its quite popular. soooooo its pretty cool when i dont make sense ha????? uhm anyway things w/ me and taylor wow also bipolar. its like things are going GOOD. but like.. at the same time, the things hes doing, choices hes making, they are getting worse and worse. does that make sense? its like its a sign or something? sajdhasdfjh gr i wish i was better at writing how i feel. HES CHANGING. maybe thats whats the matter? hes just making different choices. ones that are bad for him. :(((( makes me sadddd. oh yhea ps if he gets accepted to el camino, which i think he will, then tomarrow is his last day at foothill. worse and worse i tell you. ive been doing good on my diet for like 2 weeks now but i havent lost anymore weight which makes me angry. but then again, the only time i weigh myself is at night, and they say you weight like 1-3 pounds heavier later in the day, specially if you just ate. so taylor wasnt there at lunch. and like i mention he might not go to foothill anymore. but i was much more social today at lunch. for some reason. man im just so confused. i really love him so much though i wish he was here and i wish i could always make him happy and i wish i could just always be happy with everyting and d;safjhdafjasdf im tired and overly stressed out w/ homework w/ the fricken 10th grade proj i fricken hate it I FUCKING HATE FOOTHILL.

hola come estas? estoy triste. :( jk im actually happy. sort of. k not really. i just walked home from school it was raining. it didnt take very long. i didnt mind it much. i was scared though cus i felt like somone was walking behind me. after school i also went to subway. i go there after school now for lunch cus its healthy for you and yummy. i saw joaquin he gave me a hug and we talked a little. valentine's day was very nice. me and taylor both agreed. he got me a very large stuffed animal rottweiler thing with big eyes. its so soft me gusta me gusta very much. we went to sushi at our favorite place. usually the waitresses are very nice but they forgot about us and the whole dinner took about 2 hours hehe but it was ok because i was talkin to mi love. i love how the weather has been lately. its so crisp and fresh. its the perfect weather. school has been good. im so interested in everything were learning at the moment. holocaust & diseases hehe. hitler is so fascinating. and i think diseases are really interesting too for some reason lol. in biology i always talk to lauren about it and i think she thinks im a freak. and in english were reading NIGHT and i love it already. its so sad. last night i took a bubble bath and read lots of it and its not even due till next wednesday. and my art project is interesting too, considering its the political art project, which is a proj we do on something we feel passionate about and create something that affects people. i chose my topic to be body image/modification & the image hollywood puts out for girls and boys. at lunch sometimes i really feel like i hate it. other times i feel like wow i really like these people. not to mention ive been getting pretty good at hackey sack if i do say so myself. :)today was one of those days where i liked it. this weekend im going away to kirnville, and im sooo bummed. its going to be retarded. i want to go on lots of hikes though and get lots of exercise. (ive kept up w/ my diet guys, in case u were wondering) IM GOING TO MISS TAYLOR ALOT. but i trust him. :) so im not worried. he burned me this cd with all of his favorite songs. the bands i like so far on it the best is remains of a day which is crust/metal and kissing tigers which idk how to describe but they are super good. they are playing next weekend at skatestreet and im going to go w/ taylor. i also like the songs by the postal service on it. they grow on you. but yhea it makes me feel close to him even when im away from him because music has that ability to bring people together i guess u could say. well anyway i love the cd. thats really all i have to say at the moment. <333

holaaa k so im so happy things are gooood. i stayed the night at taylors last night hung out w/ chasen tay matt and my brother. it was fun i sopose they are silly but i was in a bad mood until they all left and it was just me and taylor and we were talking for a long time and god hes so perfect. i now understand that he does have feelings, he does love and care for me. we held eachother for a long time and oh it was fun. i loove it. today will be goood im hopefullly hanging out w/ gracie and were going to get sushi. I LIKE LIFE RIGHT NOW. PS MEGAN LOST 5 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!