godd im so sad all the time now. no scratch that. almost all the time. it takes a lot to make me happy. but it doesnt. i dont need a lot to make me happy. but i am unhappy a lot of the time. why cant everything be simple? i dont understand. last night i stayed the night at taylor's house, him and my brother went out and told me they would be back in 10 minutes. this was at 1 o clock in the morning. they didnt come back for like 2 hours, and me being my physco (ill never know how to spell that word) self had a panic attack, and almost died of boredom. i wish i knew how to be happy regardless wether i am with him or not. and now i am so deep in this relationship i dont have a choice either way. i just dont understand, how if he cared about me, why he would leave me in his room for 2 hours. today is christmas eve. the day where everyone should be happy and excited. he has not called me all day. we usually exchange our presents on christmas eve (..or, we did last year, and we planned to do so again this year) and ive just been waiting for his call. waiting waiting waiting. and now i am sad. once again, i just dont understand how if he cared for me at all, why he would do this. i just wish i had someone to always be there for me, someone who loved me as much as i love them, someone i can have conversations with and who wont judge me and wont do stupid shit and who i can relate too. god this is pathetic. in a season where u are to be thankful for what u have, here i am wishing i had something that ive basically already got... but i still feel... empty. fuck my expectations for EVERYTHING ARE SO FUCKING HIGH ! ok onto something a tad happier, i officially love amie. my god she is such a sweet heart. she called me like 20 minutes ago and helped me. i told her i didnt really want to talk about but she helped me anyway. SWEEET HEART. love love love her. shes coming over tomarrow because tons of my relatives are coming over for christmas day and she will be home alone. another person who made me happy was michael, he left me a comment on dirty ass myspace and told me very nice things. im still such a SIKE-O though i feel like he is just saying things like that to make me feel good. that is the way it is with everything. when i am talking to someone on aim, i feel like i am bugging them and they dont like me and they think im stupid. ok now its time for me to cheer up. 3 things that never fail to cheer me up: -sex and the city -sushi -my puppy. im going to watch sex and the city while thinking of sushi with my puppy sleeping on my tummy. :) i love you. happy holidays and im sorry diary for being such a stupid sike-o. i get very sick and tired of myself. i just wish.