yeah i wish i knew what was the matter with me. that would be pretty cool. i just left taylor's house and i was hanging out with him and chasen and my brother and these other 2 boys. they were going to go to this party that was after the football game, but like they ended up not going, and im glad they didnt because there would be a lot of slutty girls there ill bet. (i need to stop judging so much..) but anyway, i started thinking as i was sitting on his couch, of all these horrible things. all these horrible things. then i tried to talk to taylor about them, but u see i think of things basically every time i am at taylor's and there are people over and they are doing stuff, and so of course he was sick of it, and i didnt get the answer i wanted. which i didnt even know which answer would have made me happy. and then i just wanted to go home and i felt really uncomfortable and like thinking of more horrible things like about getting in trouble. what the hell is wrong with me? im such a physco. why cant i just have and kick back like any other NORMAL teenager. and this is not the only time i get the bad horrible panic anxiety 'attacks' i get them all the time in other areas of life. when i get the feeling i just need to leave and if i cant i like start dying inside (obviously im not talking literally..) but i just dont know what to do. life is life and things will happen whether i want them to or not. why cant i just get that. ive talked to my mom about seeing a therapist or counselor or soemthing many times, i just need to talk to someone. someone who will listen. god i feel so stupid. i am stupid. i really do hate myself most of the time. this doesnt even make sense. im so fucking stupid.