So today, i woke up and i just knew that this was not going to be a good day. Have you ever had one of those days you just knew that it was going to suck. Well that was how i felt. Anyway i just realized that Ed Westwick is in a band. Can you believe this! he is so amazingly hott and i of course am no obsessed with Gossip Girl. I mean who isn't. these people live the most amazing lives. Than here i am in bumfuck ohio living the dream... yeah right. A lot of times i wonder did i make the wrong choice in coming out here to college. i mean im out of state, out of everything that made sense for me. But did it actually make sense or did i just like it becuase it was comfortable. I can't really answer that. Sometimes i feel like i just made a huge mistake. Damnit. And you know what sucks... what sucks is my non-commital non real boy. Its been two years this month, two years since i realized i liked him. And wtf has happened? Nothing much but i think i am in love. Too bad he's a friggin drunk. It hurts alot and i don't want to like him but it just is so easy too. He's just been there for me. hes comfortable, hes hard to quit. He gets me but at the same time i think i confuse him. He hurts my heart alot. Which i don't know, is it worth it? i want to go home this weekend, but he won't be there so what is the point? i don't really think anything. I can't wait to look at this entry in two years and be like wow things have changed. Its so weird when i look at things i wrote in here from 2003 and im like i was so new and inexperienced and so stupid. I thought i knew the world, boy i didn't know nothing. things have changed so much i can't even believe it it. I forgot what it was like writing in here. its good to get out all the emotions.... <3 u

I would have to say that i have not written in hear for like three or so years. And my life has changed beyond anything. I mean im in college now. I have different set of friends. WoW!!!! well actually i have the same friends as i did in the last entry but more becuase of college and such. Yeah i look back and i saw wow i was fucked up.

Today i went to school. But i was so tired. if u were to look at everyone in school it seemed like there were so many zombis. Val gatto had a party and everyone that was there got an underage. its sad that it had to happen to some of those kids because their are nice ones and my friends. But others it neeed to be done. I was just so tired in school today. I pretended to be sick and i went home early. i was so afraid to do my chemistry test so i just faked sick and came home. I know i know its probably dumb of me. But at the same time it gives me more time to study and such so i can get a better grade. the test it worth 40 percent of our grade. so it freaked me out a a great deal. I have to study alot more tonight. But tonight i am also going ot have to make sure i get to sleep early. thank god nothing else really happend toay.

the thing about an infautation is their really arent any expectations. thats awesome. I mean think about it. u cant get hurt. its a win win situation. The person that you are infatuated with like could be with someone else and it wouldnt matter because u arent emotionally attached to them. So i say thank God, that God inveted infautations. THANK THE HEAVENS So dear infatuation. go out there have sex. And i just won't care. So i went to the fair like the past two nights. not tonight. i sat at home becasue i didnt wanna go out. its how i am. They were a bloody good time. I had a really good time. i like the festival. it was good. i someitmes wanna hit and slap people cause their stupid. Thanks ASSHOLES

today what did i do today ok so first. i got up but i was super tired cause talked to like jake alot last night and trav but he went to slepe and andy. so anyways yeah i was tired. so i got up and then i went to the mall with shan and grace because grace had a date with sam and she wanted to look hott for him. so we got really pretty shit man. Grace is gonna look sweet. than i came home and swam and then it becan to like thunder and shiz. and then went to perrys for a party. which was ok. Husband was there i love him much. - same old shit going on in my head. u know.

i am emo right now. I am never going to have anyone like me. i am going to be sad and lonely the rest o my life and i ahte that alot. and that just plain fucking sucks. This year has just fucking sucked. It has sucked so hard. i mean look back on my journal entrys and like yeah. its blatent that i suck at life. I just suck at it. Nothing really has gone good this year. I mean there was that one thing and then now i lost a best friend for really dumb reasons that i cant even compute in my head. band just fucked my life over and then this fucking job i have makes me like hate myself. I hate my life. I feel so alone. and i feel like i only have like one friend or maybe 4 but i feel like an outsider even in my circle of friends. and thats gay and stupid. I would give nething to not go bcak to the way i was earlier this year. my god i fucked up my life alot. GROWL.... Fucking Life Sucks i hate it i hate it i ahte it. i just wanna be considered beautiful and not just a fucking hook up. i know i sucked at relationships before. thats obvious but honestly that was a long time ago. and im pretty sure ive matured in taht time. Its like so stupid. im not ugly. i dont think. i hate myself. My GOD

So today is august 13 and i havnt written in here for such a long time. I dunno. to compare myself from the begginign of summer to now i would have to say that ive changed alot. I guess i grew up a lil bit more. i had alot of goals for this summer. And i no taht the summer isnt over yet but i think i have completed alot of those goals u know? Well i am going over marias house tonight. Who knows what is going to go on there. i mean u never know who will show up and who wont. I just got back from disney with stpeh and missy and dana. disney was probably one of the best experiences of my life. Our hotel like seemed like our home and when we left it felt like we were leaving our home. we made so many memories and had such a great time.I love disney world lol. so anyways. Besides taht last night i went to ogles grad party. it was alot of fun. I have a crush on one of the lifeguards there. Lol. i get crushes easily. I enjoyed this summer alot alot alot. but im bored right now and im sick of being bored. myspace has taken over alot of peoples lifes. its so random. I really never wanna be boring that would ultimitly suck. Wow. Ok so i guess im just gonna go and drive and pick up steph and then were heading over. Love Z

Wow School is almost over. I can't even believe this day has finally come. It seems like the first day of school i have serisouly been anticipating the last day of school. its not comming fast enough. my gosh come faster please!!!! I can not wait until summer. summer is amazing. And this summer i can drive and steph can drive. Tomorrow steph goes for her license. I Can't even beleive my best friend is going to be driving. wow i am so proud of her. Yeah so anyways i just needed to document this day.

Something must have happened to me. because before like earlier in the year i def wrote in here everday. its kinda odd but i have had the littlest desire to write in here. Fucking like 4 more days left of school. it really dosent even feel like this is the end of the year. And i honestly believe that this is the first year that i am not really sad about school ending. its like hell yes. i cant wait for school to just be over. Its the most pointless thing in the entire universe. So yeah my life has been ok. on friday steph and j and I went to olive garden for the last friday of the school year. and there was this guy and he was hott. they saw him easy but i didnt because the thing was i had my back to him but they couldnt figure out if he was gay or not so i guess we will never ever find out. it was sad. So than we wanted to go to borders, But julie woudlnt walk across a 6 line highway. which ok i understand sorta. but tahn we wanted to walk to Kmart which was like three football fields away. and j goes... its a really big parking lot. i dont want to. but eventually we convinved her and had the best adventure getting to kmart. at kmart we got things and i called my mother and than she got really angry at me which i guess i understand. but ok whatever. than on saturday i went to starbucks and sat there for three hours studying for that stupid spanish final... motherfucking ass. Im really stressed about it. oh well and than i saw amanda and julie and julia and ashley, so we went to bruggers and so white and i sat there with them for a while and than nana came and i went over to her and we went home. So tahn steph and i went to the well for a most excellent concert. yeah fucking 8 dollars oh well. i guess someday i will get over that. yeah it was fun. than i went to wendys with kayla and we went home and watched sex and the city. than we were gonna go to a party at 4 oclock in the Am but we didnt because thats pointless so we slept andthan we got to church like an 1 and a half late but thats ok. so than we went to the mall and kayla was a shopping fucking fanatic. She got her glitterboy thank God!! Um hot topic sales people are awesome and we love them... becasue the one guy has a really hard time finding underwear and he gets his underwear from H and M and than the other guy was like funny. i decided i ahve a crush on him. So its all Good!!!! yeah so now im sitting here i was outside for most of the day. thank god <3 ALI

i decided to quit band today mr mathews sucks i hate him

have u ever had a dream just like end. like something uve wanted for years just realize taht its over. theres nothing u can do to change it. something u worked so hard and so long for just taken out from under you and given to someone else.its like fuck. I hate this i hate my life. why dosent life ever work out the way u want it to. i dont understand why people have to go through this. Its stupid and its ghetto and i hate it. i really really do. I dont understand . FUCK

i realize that im asshole and i wont truly be happy and i wont get anything else in the world and im a screw up and i suck at life

The sophmore dinner dance was last night. Wow amazing exciting night I got out of school after fifth and went home and than i did my hair. Yeah it took three hours. And im kinda sick of how i did it. and yeah i didnt like how i did it. But thats ok cuase i didnt care. Than i went to MAC and that was awesome. than came home and got ready and than the girls- steph julie maria jess kylie rach and diane/ mike came over and we took pictures than we went to the dance! Yeah we wanted to get there early so we could have seats. and we have extrodinary seats. So yeah we sat down and our waiter was pretty. His name was josh. and he wanted me. (( BREAD... BREAD )) Lol. So like than the lights get low. right and were like heck yes. So we go on the dance floor. ok first of all. i went first thing to that stupid DJ and was like can u play Josh Groban. So i was like really excited because josh groban has to be the hottest man in the world. RIght. so yeah and he promised. but like after a while he still hadnt played my husbands song. so i went up there and requested ashlee simpson and told him to play some joshua. yeah guess what he never did. that man is going to hell. We had a fucking great time. Spending time with ur friends has to be the all time greatest past time. Even the slow songs arent even that bad. because were dorks and danced like assholes. Yes we are in high school ..... I like it i like it alot. the dance was just insane and we had fun. they played Nysnc which equals my life. I miss them so much. it got hott and sweaty but we totally had fun. Man i love those girls! Everyone freckin looked so hott. I am proud of all my guy friends. HotTies!!!! ---- So anyways we like went to the balloon table and took all the balloons. than we went to my house than stephs house and sat in her kitchen for like an hour and talked about random things and people and the dance. It was intense and amazing. we got bonding time. which equals great. than we went up to stephs room and were gonna watch a movie but than we just sat there and talked... again. when maria gets tired she acts high. which is funny but also freaky and someday she might kill me. if she ever gets high im never gonna be around. i promise that one. than everyone else went to sleep and mia and i stayed up and talked for a long time. which was great because when shes not high she can carry one a pretty heavy conversation. than sleep than we woke up and watched 10 things i hate about you. Wow. i want my life to be like taht. it would be steller ---- So that was my day tongiht i want to go out and have fun Once you knew a girl and u called her lover...................

This completely fucking blows! You think you can trust someone after like... a long time of fighting and making up, and then you learn that they're just as full of shit as they always were. Particularly with boys. Ya'll think it'll be different this time around, but NO! Its the same old - actions speak louder then words, and honestly your "sweet nothings" are exactly that - NOTHING Whatever, this is gay Fucking merrygoround or whatever. Love is a roller coaster, but loving you is impossible - we simply can't be friends anymore. Never again. Back the fuck off! -.-'

mixed emotions of today i feel like im going back to that cycle i had before. during break and like before that. Like that sad thing. I dont want to go back into that. The way i sorta kno taht im going back into that is because of this diary. I like cant really update when im happy. i have nothing to say. But now... i sorta feel like im slipping back into that state. And i dont want that to happen... ever ever again. I have alley valley for 2 days which is like practice for like 8 hours each day. I do not want to go. Blah that sucks. Plus i miss school and all this work and stuff. Oh well. I get a medal. Yeah. GO me. i feel blah right now .............

I think for some reason. January or something is def not my month to update this thing. Well.... i think i live for the weekends now a days I cant imagine my life without the weekends. Its amazing. like think about it. U get freetime to be with ur best friends in the entire world too just yeah just be you. i Love it. Um since i really dont remember much of my life latley i think ill just tell u guys. I guess This last weekend on friday we were supposed to sleepover cams hizzhouse but that didnt work out. So steph and i went to eat n park and we talked for like 2 hours. We did that too weeks ago too. We just walked down from the mall... in the freezing cold and chilled at eat n park. I love that place. the gret thing was we got a desert and than some like coffe and tea stuff. but since the coffe and tea took like too long we got it for free. It was awesome. I love my special times with steph. Saturday i worked on my english paper... forever. I was totally confused becuase i left my notecards at school... so i had like nothing to work on, but thats ok. than i went to stephs house and we watched aladin. I didnt get to see the ending. But taht was. ok Cuase i was on the phone. But i remember how it goes. Than sunday i went to church and than yg. Im just having a pretty good life. Im really stressed alot. And i think im turning into a bitch. Oh yeah and i got my report card holla 3.8 yeah i am smart. thank you very much WE dominated in soccer today. GO Blue Planets.

Take the quiz: "Which Laguna Beach Character are You?"KristinYou're Hot and like to party!!! Ms. Popular! Why have one boy when there are plenty to go around!? Plus you don't want anyone to tie you down when you're just trying to have fun.

How to Find out if someone truly Cares about u.............. Do something Stupid... that had no affect on them whatso ever See if they Get mad at u And Wont talk to u If they Wont talk to you, but will shout at you and say mean things.... Than They Never Cared about u to begin with

" They kissed i said, but stacy's toes didnt curl." USually when two people kiss, they do it with their lips." I ignored the sarcasm. " OUr grandfather told us that our grandmother knew that he was the right one for her because when they kissed, her toes curled" ................ He held my face against his. " I love you," he said softly, than moved his mouth closemto mine. the touch of his lips was so gentle, the kiss so sweet, i trembled. " Its's okay," he said, " were going to be okay, you and me." His arms warpped around me, and he kissed me again and again. I sighned with contentment, than laid my head aginst his shoulder. " Did you toes just curl?" He asked " NO," I replied, smiling, but Ive always been more like my grandpa, so that dosent mean anything. Adam kissed me once more, a long wonderful kiss, than said, So whats it mean when mine do. I kno i kno beyond cheesy and corny. But it made u smile didnt it

Last night was a good night. Steph and i went to the mall. We got a dvd from media play and i got a new skirt that cost 6 dollar from express. yea six dollars. amen to that. We walked around and saw various people and than we left and walked down to eat n park and yes i got my cookie. Hell yeah. WE had a lot of fun cause were dorks and we trip alot. Lol Today im going to go work out at the gym because it makes me feel better THan im going to go driving than the Steeler Game!!! There is A concert thing TOnight i would like to go to. ok Ali