Ok, so apparently there is something wrong with me. Why is it I don't attract any decent guys? Is it because I'm not a whore, who goes around sleeping with everything she sees? Because I would view that as a good thing, apparently guys don't see it that way. I don't sleep around, sorry. I never will. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to be with a guy just so I can sleep with him. Looks may be the first thing that attracts you, but if you don't like who he is inside why in the world would you be with him? Just because he's hot? I don't want a boyfriend I can show off to the world and say: wow look at my boyfriend, he's hot. I want a boyfriend that is going to treat me right, listen to what I have to say and show me respect. I want to be able to have a good time with him. He has to make me laugh, he has to have a personality. I want a guy I can talk to, someone I can say anything to. he has to make me feel comfortable at all times and I shouldn't have to feel like I have to constantly be putting on a show for him. He'll like me just as much in a t-shirt and shorts as he does when I get dressed up in a skirt. I don't care what you look like, that's not important to me, but apparently it's important to alot of guys. They want a hot girl who they can have on their arm who is willing to sleep with them as much as they want, whenever they want. They are messed up. They care more about how a girl looks than if she can actually hold an intelligent concersation. I'm tired of guys. They always complain that their are no good girls out there, but they aren't looking for good girls. And these are the guys we fall for girls. (And those "girls" are the girls that don't have sex 24/7/365 days of the year, nor do they want to!) We pine away for these guys who never give us a second look. We are just the friends, one of the guys. Guys want good girls to be their friends, but never their girlfriends. They never look at us in the way they would look at that stick thin girl walking down the street in the mini skirt and shirt so low you can practically see her nipples. It's like there are moments of brilliance in you, that I see, and then there are others where I want to smack you in the head. Sometimes you look at me the way you would look at them, but then your stare quickly goes back to someone who isn't even close to anything I would ever be. Why can't you see that I would be perfect for you? But I guess you wouldn't see that. Nobody does.

I'm so fucking sick off people trying to act like other people. It is so fucking ridiculous. We are 19 years old and apparently it's still cool to play Simon Says. If you do whatever someone else tells you to do or you are influenced soley by the presense of someone else you ARE STUPID. You are a fucking moron and should be shot, plain and simple. We are old enough to make our own decisions. If you think acting like someone else is going to make you look cool and more people will like you, again, you are fucking stupid. Just because you act like someone doesn't mean you are going to be like them, I mean, at face value, yes, you will technically be like them, but you can never be that person. I thought the idea of idol worship died in about 7th grade, apparently not for these people. It's pretty sad, if you ask me, that a 19 year old person would act like such a fucking retard to be liked by someone else. So much so that they would make themselves look like a complete idiot because that person thought it was funny. It's cool if you have a role model or whatever, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but if you are living your life to please someone else then you are wrong. I hate human puppets. It's so fucking sad. People who dance around someone else hoping that one day they will actually like them instead of, yes this is happening to you you dumb ass, just using you for their own personal pleasure. It makes me sick to think someone would be dumb enough to fall for this bullshit. Then people ask me if I feel sorry for these people and I say FUCK NO! It is your fucking choice to let your mind be controled and be someone's lap dog. You can say no. You can be your own person. But no, why do that when you could have someone ordering you around and telling you what to do every second of your life. It they had to make a decision on their own I think they would die. They wouldn't be able to do it without someone over their shoulder telling them the "cool" choice to make. I have never in my life seen people treat each other like these people do. I guess I should be used to it, I shouldn't expect anything more. If you would come up to me and tell me what to do tomorrow on the street I'd tell you where to go. I love what college has done to me. I tell people to go to hell on a daily basis. Now it's cool to tell people to go to hell if you actually mean it and don't do what they are telling you to do, but if you sit there like a dumb ass and say "go to hell" but still do what they want you to do anyway, you are a retard. I have no sympathy for your ass whateversoever. And there will come a day when you dick up your life because of these people and don't expect me to be there and say it's ok dear, because I won't, I will be standing there laughing at you telling you I told you so. Because I did. I hate fucking people who are so fucking blind. To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, Save the Last Dance "open up your eyes and look the hell around." Get in touch with reality and see what's really going on. You are a dumb ass. A puppet. A pawn. And don't ever give me fucking attitude because baby I'll give it right back.

So life was perfect...or so I thought. Then something comes into my life that makes my life without this thing look like a spiraling death trap to hell, ok so maybe I'm being a little dramatic there, but still...Sometimes everything seems so perfect and then something comes into your life that makes everything you knew before seem useless. I don't really know who's going to be reading this so I can't say names I can only say how this thing makes me feel. First of all, yes it is a person and no I will not tell you who it is. This person makes me feel amazing. They make me so happy, I don't think I have every laughed as hard as I do with this person. You can be the funniest person in the world but also be the most serious. I have had some of the best conversations with you. You make so much sense to me. We are so much alike, I'm not sure if you can tell. You get me. And not in the sense that you know me inside and out but the things you say resemble things I have said or things that I think. It's like you are me sometimes. I could see myself saying alot of the things you say in our conversations. It's like you get me without directly "getting" me. It's such a weird thing to explain. I've known you for so long and we've been through so much. I know how you think, and not in a weird stalkerish type of situation either, I mean I know you well enough to take a pretty good guess on how you're going to react to certain things or how you are going to feel about something. You are the kind of person I could see myself being with. And to think I never knew you valued me that much and sometimes I still really don't think you do. Sometimes I think you say things in the spur of the moment without actually meaning them and then other times it's like you really actually care about me. Imagine that concept, right? I feel so at ease when I'm with you. I can relax and be comfortable and I don't have to feel like I constantly have to act a certain way. I hate that about some people. You have to say the right things or act a certain way for them to like you, but not you. You don't care what I do or how I act. I love that about you. You don't care about anything, and not in a "I don't give a f*** about you," sort of way, it's just that you're not constantly sticking your nose into other people's business. You let everyone do what they want, and you're cool with it. If it doesn't concern you, it's not your problem. It's a good way to be. Another thing I absolutely love about you is the fact that you like nice girls. You don't go for the whore-ish types. You like a good girl...well relatively speaking. You've been hurt though too, just like me. Now this isn't a comparision and contrast essay about us but I just think it's interesting how we are so similar and you probably never gave it a second thought. Anyways, I'm tired and you're not online for me to talk to so I think I'm going to go to bed. Just wanted to get that off my chest. And if you ever end up reading this, give me a second thought ok, that's all I'm asking. I won't hurt you. I promise. Goodnight.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately, especially since I got Brian’s cd (Brian, as in, from BSB). I think it’s wonderful that he put out a Christian cd. I have a hard time getting into Christian music because most of it is all upbeat and not the traditional kind of music I’m used to from church, but Brian’s cd is different. He somehow manages to mix pop with Christian lyrics and I love it :-D Anyways, his cd has got me thinking about life and what’s really important. And I’ve realized that if I put all the nonsense in my life aside, I am really truly happy with where my life is at right now. There are a lot of things I’m still uncertain about but I need to let that all up to God now and to let Him decide what direction my life is supposed to take next. I know a lot of people have a hard time doing that, but I guess for me it’s kind of like me brushing my life off onto someone else and letting them worry about it for a while, and the amazing thing about that is, someone is worrying about it. I need a break from my life right now. I just want to sit back and enjoy everything. Enjoy the day, enjoy the people in my life, enjoy all of my positive relationships that I have, that God has blessed me with. I don’t want to worry about jobs and my career; I just want to live my life for what it is at the moment. I don’t want to worry about my future or dwell on my past. I want to move on. The past is in the past, something I struggle with from time to time, facing the reality that what happened 6 months ago is done and over with and sure it was great but it’s over and I will always have wonderful memories from it and that’s what’s important. Remembering the good in your life and not that bad is what’s truly essential in living life. The bad things that have happened in my life have always led to good things, so that’s what I’m waiting for. This period in between is always hard, but if you think of it as a waiting period instead of saying nothing good is happening in my life, it makes it a lot easier to handle. Unfortunately you can never forget the bad things that have happened but you can always replace their memories with good ones. I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry but as I’m writing I’m realizing I tend to let bad things that have happened in my life rule my life. I dwell on them and even months after they have happened I’m still haunted by them. I think we all do this to some degree but I decided that it’s a waste of time. What happened happened. There is nothing I can do about it and I’m not just taking about the same old things I always talk about here. I’m talking about everything, things people don’t even know about, things that are hurting me and have been for a long time. It’s time to let those things go, let those people go. They aren’t a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be a part of my life anymore. I mean, who wants things in their lives that hurt them? I mean unless you are a masochist. I don’t want bad things to define me. I’m happy right now and it’s because I have finally let those things go. I have no drama in my life. For the first time in a long time, I can finally say that my life is drama free and I am loving it. All of my sources of drama are gone and they are gone because I have gotten them out of my life. God is watching out for me. I know He is. He never lets me get myself into a situation so deep that I can’t get myself out of it. He likes to warn me a lot, with a lot of subtle and sometimes not so subtle hints. He keeps my life in line and when I stray He puts me back where I belong. There have been so many instances in my life that I have seen it. And then people ask me why I believe…live the past year of my life and you will see how God has quietly walked in and out of my life. Sometimes He works quietly and you have to look more closely to see where He has been and other times He storms into my life and turns me around like a slap in the face. But each and every time I knew it was Him. He has come and gone so many times. He brings the greatest joys to my life but also some of the hardest times too. I believe that He brings hardship and pain into our lives to get us to see things that we are missing, to make us aware. Sometimes our vision gets so blurry that we need someone to help us see and it isn’t always what we want to see. He clears our eyes and often He does it with tears, but even after the hardest of times, I knew He was there with me all the while. God doesn’t make our lives hard or give us things we can’t handle, those things that happen are His subtle way of shaking us and getting us back on the right path. Don’t tell me what I’m saying isn’t true because I’ve seen it working in my life. That’s how I know, it’s why I believe. I think Brian’s album has reinforced and reminded me of everything I believe. It has given me the opportunity to collect my thoughts about my faith in a time when I felt like they were scattered all over the place. I wish I could thank him, but I guess I can thank God because He’s the one that inspired the record and inspired Brian to write and sing what he did. You can say I’m stretching here, but God brought Brian’s album to me when I was having some doubts. You can call me crazy but it’s just another one of those moments in my life when I know God was working and I can look up at the sky tonight and know that there is someone up there watching out for me, because there is and He loves you too. It’s a very reassuring feeling. Goodnight and God Bless.

So I’ve been sitting here for the past hour reading old convos and it feels like it should be 3 in the morning but its only quarter to 12. It’s summer and I should be happy but somehow I’m not. I’m so glad to be home, even though school was awesome, but I dunno people will think I’m crazy for bringing up this old shit so maybe I shouldn’t even bother…but it’s like yesterday was the 20th and last year the 20th was prom. That night was the beginning of everything for me last summer. Everything build upon itself after that night. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back to graduation and keep going through that again and again. Life was so great then, this summer it just feels like something is missing. I feel so disjointed from everything now, like I don’t belong. Last year I still belonged to Marian and now this year, I’m just kind of here. Last year at this time, wow, life couldn’t have been better. Found my best friend (finally), had an amazing boyfriend, was 10 pounds lighter, life was great. I really miss it. I think spring is definitely the season when you feel like you need to be in a relationship. I get so weird around this time. I kinda forgot what it felt like to feel lonely. Let me reiterate, I HATE IT. I miss everything about being in a relationship. EVERYTHING. I miss being able to go to their house when you needed to get away from yours. I miss them calling you up and asking you out, even if it was to the movies or just to their house. I miss my mom asking about them and what we did last night. I miss people thinking about me as past of an “us”. I miss riding in your car. I miss your basement. I miss kissing you. I miss sitting on my front porch with you. I miss driving home from your house at 1 in the morning. I miss you saying “goodnight little girl” to me when I got home. I miss how you treated me. But most of all I think I hate not knowing someone out there, other than like my parents, loves me. I hate that so much. I hate having to think about this years 4th of July and realizing that it’s not going to be the same. That I’m not going to have someone to watch the fireworks with again. I remember, before last year, wishing and praying that the next year I would have someone to watch them with and then last year I did, I hate the thought of having to go back to that. I wish I knew you wanted it back too. I wish I knew anything about anything you ever felt or thought, but I didn’t, and still don’t. It would at least give me some piece of mind. I said I was reading old convos, well which ones do you think I was reading? I saw how, piece by piece, our relationship began to deteriorate. Everyday conversations turned into every other day then once a week then not at all. You made me so angry, but looking back I could never in a million years say I hated you. I never talked shit about you. I never said one bad thing about you since. There was no need to. I saw how you said you didn’t want to break up with me and you wanted our relationship to work more than I thought and I wonder if you still feel that way or if you have blocked me out of your memory. Do you ever think about the fun we had together? Do you remember how you made me watch Batman every single night I was at your house? Do you remember that first night that you kissed me? It was the night before your birthday. I remember. I wonder if you do. Chances are you don’t. But a girl can dream right? I have nothing but fond memories of you and I wonder what you think of when someone says my name. I still miss you. I still think about you often, more so since I’m home and actually have time too. I guess you still don’t have time for anything. Remember when you had time for me? Those were the days. I remember this one time in particular, I don’t know why, but you were rafting all day in Jim Thorpe with Action, I think, and I know you were tired but you still called me afterwards and asked me to come down. I think that was the last time I was at your house. I remember I hadn’t seen you in a couple days and I told you I wanted to see you and then the next day you called me. It was nice how that used to work yanno. I remember the last time you were here too. We were supposed to go see Batman Returns but you fell asleep and we ended up seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory instead. You hated it, I know you did. Remember House of Wax, that was the first movie we, well no it wasn’t the first movie we saw together, but it was the first movie you held my hand. I didn’t think guys still did that, Christ. I remember how I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world. And you never wanted anything more from me, ever. I loved that about you. Remember when I brought over Dirty Dancing to your house. I was there for like 6 hours that night. We played Super Nintendo and I sucked at it, even though I thought I was so amazing. You laughed at me of course; you always seemed to be doing that, in the nicest way possible of course. Remember when we went to Leiby’s after Baccalaureate with JC. I remember I was pissed at you because you didn’t even say goodbye to me afterwards but then I parked next to you and JC and I were talking by my car so you came with us. PS, I did that on purpose. I hung around and made JC talk to me so I could wait for you. Surprise. I remember when we got there how I was showing JC my background on my phone and then you showed him his but you wouldn’t show me, I know it was the picture of you and me from prom, it made my life. Then we fucked around, well you did, with JC’s subs. That was a night. Remember that day you came over to “fix” my computer but you never really did. I got up early that morning to take a shower and clean the house even though I said I was going to sleep till noon. That was the best day of my life just so you know. I have to many memories and I know ya’ll are sick of reading them, but there are so many more. For how short that relationship was I have pages and pages of memories and every single one of them is a good one. I miss you a lot. I wish it could have worked out. I really wish we still talked too…oh well I guess I can’t have everything, kinda wish I still had you though, cause even if I had nothing, you would still be my everything. Goodnight little boy.

I stare at you not because I think you're hot or because I think you are God's gift to men. I stare at you because when I look at you I wonder how you can sleep at night and how you can wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror. I know you're type. You think about the size of a girl's vagina before you look at her face. You make me sick. I hate you.

What lunch table you sit at or what people you call your friends does not make you cool. What makes you cool is you, being who you are, not what others say you have to be.

Yanno, I love how 3 is such a bad number until I'm the 3rd person involved. I thought I wasn't going to ever have to worry about this shit again...guess I was wrong, what a surprise there.

Well this week has just been a roller coaster of emotions. First of all I really didn’t want to come back to school. Everything was so awesome at home, my mom and I were getting along so good and well my dad, was my dad, but I was handling it and it was just perfect. Then I came back here and I don’t know what happened to me. Michael never called me back last weekend which stressed me out. I totally forgot to pick out my classes for next year; I was behind in work and had a psychology test on Thursday and a Public Speaking quiz on Wednesday. I skipped so many classes this week it’s not even funny. I have some kind of script thing I have to perform this week with Brian who I haven’t even talked to at all about yet. I have an audition coming up at the beginning of April too that I haven’t even started preparing for yet. And on top of all that I have friend issues to deal with and my period was late, which added incredibly to the overwhelming sensation of stress I have felt all week. So ok when you ask me “what the hell are you stressed out about?” Maybe you should think twice about what my life entails. I’m always the one everyone comes to with all their situations and I have 500 million different problems going on in my head at any given time, not to mention all of my own bullshit I get thrown into my lap daily. People think my life is so easy and what the hell could Christine ever be stressed out about, well think again people, cause there is a lot of shit I keep inside, a lot of stuff you have no idea is even going on with me. I put on that happy fucking face to make myself seem happy when I’m not because people need me to be there for them. I always have to be the strong one; I can never ever break down about anything because I’m always overeating or being melodramatic. I guess I should be used to it, not a lot has changed from high school apparently, everyone still sees me the same way- the perfect lil Christine who has the perfect life with perfect parents and a perfect everything. I’m never supposed to have drama. I’m always supposed to be happy because what could I possibly have in my life to make me sad. Well how about friends who stab me in the back, not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life and having to wonder if I’m good enough to make it in this world doing the only thing I have interest in at all, or maybe the fact that every single guy I have ever gotten myself involved with has dicked me over. I hate guys right now. Why do they all seem so great but in a matter of like two seconds they decide that I’m not what they had in mind and drop me like a hot potato. Why am I only good for so long? Why do they all get tired of me so fast? What am I doing wrong? Tell me. Three guys in a fucking row, all of them got so incredibly weird so fast. What makes you all so attracted to me at first but then realize I’m suddenly not so great anymore. I wish someone would explain that to me, because to the best of my knowledge I don’t change. I guess I’m wrong. What a surprise, I always am. I guess once you find out that I could actually care about you you get freaked out and just need to get away from me. I guess it’s all that baggage I have, as I was once told. I guess that’s what the media has taught us, girls are for fucking around with, not actually having a relationship with. I am so incredibly self conscious and afraid of every little move I make. I doubt myself in the biggest way and almost ready to say fuck theater all together because I’m never going to make it. Then what do I have? Not a whole hell of a lot. People ask me why I want to do theater well because surprise I’m not a rocket scientist, if I don’t do this, I can’t do anything else. So yeah people, I have a whole hell of a lot on my mind than you think and its not always so easy to be me. And fuck you too because you have the perfect life too, I don’t wanna fuckin hear it. Anyway, the week ended up nicely with me finally getting my period and spending most of yesterday curled up in bed because I couldn’t move. I’m still incredibly tired and moody as all hell. This needs to end. I seriously think I’m going to have a nervous break down soon. Now I have to work tomorrow, that should be a joy another never-ending cycle of stress. Maybe they’ll let me go early, probably not, when has anything ever worked out for me in the past.

Why does coming home make me so depressed...I miss you...I wish you'd call me...I want to see you...

So yeah, life has been pretty sweet. It really couldn’t get any better…well maybe if I woke up tomorrow and was 15 pounds lighter, but I’m working on that, so yeah. My last entry really didn’t talk about my life so let me update what has been going on for the past 4 weeks. I came back from being home and moved into a different dorm because I absolutely hated my last one and my roommate. Well now I live in K-hall like 6 doors down from my girl Amanda. We have been having a blast for the past couple of weeks. I’m over her “house” every single night and I wouldn’t have a night go by without us laying on her bed and looking up at the stars (well, the foot/cornucopia looking crack in the ceiling). We have gotten so close and I don’t know what I would have done without her through all the bullshit that is finally all cleared up in my life. I love her to death and I am so glad we got close. I’m so glad she came and saw me that weekend at work. I’m so glad we went to the W. Chester Diner that night and most of all I’m so glad that she understands me and takes me for who I am and never asks me to be someone I’m not. And it you’re reading this, which I know you are, I wanna thank you for coming into my life and making it better than I could have ever imagined. Before I met you, I was miserable, and now I’m happier than I’ve ever been. You make school bearable you make it, dare I say, fun. I just want you to know that I appreciate you so much even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like I do. I care about you more than you know and you are truly one of my best friends. I’m glad I was the one that was there for you and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there with you in the big ER. I never would have let you go alone and I’m happy I got to be the one that had your back. I will always be there for you no matter what and no matter who else does or doesn’t. You’re my girl through thick and thin and don’t ever forget it! You can come to me with anything. I love you and your little Korean face! So yeah, that’s a major part of why I’ve been doing so good over the past few weeks, I found a friend that has my back equally as much as I have hers. Other than that, school is going good. I’m doing ok in my classes; hopefully I can start doing better than ok. Now I’m home for spring break and I absolutely cannot wait to see Karen on Sunday. I missed her SOOOO much. I really never realize how much I miss her until I got these long periods without seeing her. It was like last year I was so used to seeing her everyday and now I don’t, it’s weird, but Sunday we are going to have the best time ever. I cannot wait. I’ll get to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in forever, which I’m excited about and just being home makes me feel good too. I missed my fam even though they are already getting on my nerves, but that’s ok. I have a busy week ahead of me already. I have to go to the eye doctor I have to take my mom, I have to cantor Confirmation on Tuesday we’re going shopping on Wednesday, gonna try and go see Johnny up at Cinemark. I have to get my hair cut we’re going to the gym I wanna try and get down to Marian sometime and in between all that I have to hang out with people…Christ I’m one busy chica, maybe that’s why when I come home it doesn’t even seem like I’m home cause it goes so fast cause I’m constantly busy, oh well it’s worth it though. I miss my bed and not getting woken up at 9:30 every morning by the damn garbage truck :-P So yeah, tomorrow I have to get two cameras developed with the pics from NY on them :-D I cannot wait for that, Andrew Rannells :-D such a cutie, too bad he’s gay…yes, I didn’t mention anything about NY! ARG! Yeah so me and Amanda went to NY two weeks ago and had the most amazing time ever. We went up to Lincoln Center, I’ve been DYING to go up there for like ever, so I was so excited. I saw the Met and got pics oh it AND me by one of the Julliard signs. We went to see Hairspray which was totally awesome, such an amazing show and then went to see Doubt another interesting straight play. We also ate at Cosi which just makes my life, such a good place. What an amazing time and we are going back for my b-day because Amanda, being the amazing friend she is, is taking me to see La Boheme :-D I just love this girl. So needless to say I cannot wait to get these pics back even though we never did get our pic! Oh well, for my b-day. Anyways, yeah I have to go get pics developed and go to Sally’s to get green nail polish for the St. Patties day parade :-D Cannot wait for that either! I’m just full of excitement all around. So anyway, I will update later this week as the drama unfolds and as things happen. Peace out till then kiddies :-D

So in the course of a night I have realized that McAdoo is not such a bad place after all. Yeah, it’s shitty and yeah people aren’t always the smartest in the world but one thing that we do have is an incredible sense of family. I never really stopped to think about it but tonight I did. Amanda made me think about it and it is so true. People are genuine and friendly and would give the shirts off their backs to help you, for the most part, and after talking with her, I have come to realize how much I really appreciate where I am from. Again, it isn’t the most attractive area in the world but it’s where I’m from and no matter how far I may go I cannot change the fact that I grew up there, all of my memories are there, and some of my first and best friends are there. Above all that I have one of the greatest families ever. Two amazing parents that would literally give the world to make me happy, who I am incredibly grateful for everyday of my life. I don’t think I will ever be ashamed to admit where I am from again after tonight. I can’t change it. It is where I’m from. I’ve had some of the best times of my life in that small town, hell I’ve had some of the best times ever just sitting on my front porch talking to Karen about the most pointless shit ever. I met my best friend there. I first fell in love there. I had my first kiss there. I had, one of many, breakups there. I went to school and graduated from there. 99% of my life up to this point has taken place there, the place where the number one thing to do on a Saturday night is go drinking. Church on Sunday was an event and high school football is a way of life. It is the sort of place that if you didn’t grow up there, you could never understand what being from a town like that was like. The whole mentality of that place is different. It runs on a different sort of time. Perspectives get distorted, you learn to see things differently, dare I say you learn to appreciate life a little bit more. It’s crazy how you never think about this shit till one crazy night. It’s kind of sad. I never really thought about how our area was, still is. It may be shitty, but the hearts of the people there are quality. We are quality. I hope that everyone who is from the Coal Region reads this and it makes you think, just like Amanda made me think tonight. Think about where we grew up guys. Think about all of our friends. Think about us. Because back home is where we are from, like it or not, proud of it or not, we are. And look back and tell me you didn’t have the time of your life there. Food for thought guys, give the ol’ Coal Region another thought, I sure did and I really liked what I found.

So I’m sitting here looking out the window at the snow and thinking how life is good. It looks so pretty all glittery and soft…yeah that sounds queer but if I’ve learned anything in my life it’s that you have to appreciate the small things. What a hell of a week I’ve had…but in the end, I suppose it all worked out. I took a hold of my life and I couldn’t be happier for that and I think things are finally going to start looking up for me. It’s Valentine’s Day weekend and I’m not even depressed. Somehow I’m more excited about it than any other year which is weird cause I still don’t have a boyfriend. It is weird, really weird. I think being away from home makes you really appreciate things you never really noticed before, even if it is a stupid commercial holiday thought up by the government to make money at the expense of St. Valentine, another Catholic saint exploited. I love how we can’t say “Merry Christmas” but we can have holidays based off of saints and have them become something totally secular. Who ever thought up St. Patrick’s Day? Honestly, it’s just an excuse for people to get drunk, now don’t get me wrong I’m all for getting drunk but come on here, they didn’t even bother to take the “St.” out of it, and then people have the nerve to criticize Christmas. You are celebrating St. Patrick people! ST. PATRICK! I dunno that was totally random but I mean really, these are the things I think about…well that me and Amanda think about at the West Chester diner at midnight. I really can’t wait for St. Patrick’s day this year for some reason, again I think it has something to do with that not being home and missing these stupid little things I used to take for granted. It works out really nice though, because my spring break is over St. Patrick’s Day and so is Karen’s, I’m excited. I can’t wait to go the parade in JT even though it was kinda stupid last year…oh well, I still can’t wait. Only four weeks! It’ll go fast. So anyway, back to my life. I’m moving tomorrow into my new room and I’m really excited because I’ve been waiting to get away from my roommate for a long time. I think it’s going to be good for me. So I dunno what time I have to get up tomorrow but I need to stay up as late as possible because I wanna get my fill of my TV cause I’m not gonna see it for four weeks! That seems like such a long time, but I know it’ll go fast. Exactly three months from today I will be done with my first semester of college…how crazy is that?! I think it’s pretty damn crazy. I’m still not really sure where my life is going. I really have to figure that out. I need to decide if I want to change my major or not…most likely not, but I need to pick up a minor in something. This entry is so random, it bounces from one thing to the other, sorry guys but that is how my mind is going right now. I have like a million pages of psych to read for our test on Thursday and I have to start researching my speech topic and I have to get everything set with my new room…wow, way to much to process at almost 2:30 in the morning, but apparently I do my best writing now so whatever :-P I’m watching the Olympics right now, well not really cause I have it muted so I can concentrate on this, but I’m not impressed so far. I usually like figure skating but somehow I can’t get into this. So my goal when I get back is to go to the gym AT LEAST once a week, at the bare minimum. I need to not be fat anymore, even though everyone tells me a hundred million times that I’m not fat, but I feel fat and my clothes don’t fit anymore, so therefore tri dot, I am fat. So yes, new goal, lose weight. Ok so what your reading now is like an hour later from when I stopped writing before. My life has once again gotten incredibly interesting in a relatively short amount of time. Why do people insist on making my life complicated? But this is a good complicated I guess you could say. It’s kinda fun :-P Boys are ridiculous and that’s all I have to say about it. So yes, this involves a boy and no I’m not saying anything more about it :-P I actually have to get to bed, so I will continue the drama tomorrow, night ya’ll.

So yeah, I dunno about my life anymore. It seems like everyday, pretty much every second of my life there is some kind of drama occuring. I haven't gotten a break from it in like 4 days and it's really taking a toll on me. I'm flipping out at people for no reason and I feel like I'm so overwhelmed all the time. I really need to figure out my life and decide what I want and how much I am willing to hurt for something that could potentially turn out amazing. But how long am I willing to wait and at what price am I going to have to pay? There are so many thoughts in my mind about everything, and not to mention school. I feel like I'm already so behind and it's only the third week into the semester. I need to concentrate on my life, not this stupid drama! I need a break, a break from everything, I don't want to do that but I have to. For me.

I can't keep doing this if you're not being true to me...I can't...I'm sorry...if you like me, like me, I'm not going to share you... I set myself up for this one.

The candle flickers I watch it, memorized, thinking of you The cold face of the TV lends little comfort to my lonely soul The empty couch, a constant reminder of my stupidity Why do I allow this to happen? I give myself far too easy I let myself get involved way to deep Way to fast. There is no freedom for me now Only lonely nights, left with a mind full of questions And a heart longing for answers Even my dreams provide little solace Waking to only images of you Thoughts of uncertainty and regret Anger at myself for letting this happen Sadness of the thought of waking up alone With no one to hold onto With memories of those few precious seconds Whirling through my mind When I thought that everything would be wonderful Not thinking of what the next morning would bring How foolish I am How naïve To think you would wake up and somehow think of me Why can’t you say the words? You don’t want commitment… I hear you, without you ever speaking a word It’s not that hard to figure out You are an open book that I am forced to read over and over and over again The pages keep scrolling through my mind And on every page they say the same thing I’m just not ready for you. Am I supposed to be comforted by that? Is it supposed to make me feel good? Those are the answers I long for No your stupid pale attempts at excuses I know what you are trying to do You don’t want to hurt me You want to trick me into a false sense of security And surprise, you have But no trick can mask the feeling that I have to face everyday when I wake up No façade can conceal or disguise my heartache When I wake up and realize that last night was a lie I try so hard to make it into something that it wasn’t I cannot even verbalize what it could have meant To you To anyone But I know what it meant to me It meant that something is there Something exists between us No matter what it may be It has no definition But it most certainly does have a name A name that stares me in the face every morning A name that puts me to sleep every night It is called loneliness And I’m glad it hasn’t affected you the way it has affected me But I suppose that’s the price I pay For giving myself away

Gary??? Well that's ironic.

So ok this weekend was the best weekend of my life…well almost :-P Friday night me and my girls went to Baltimore to see Once on this Island and it was incredible. We left after my class on Friday and walked around Baltimore and ate at Hard Rock!!! We took so many pictures…me and my being a tourist…gotta love me…or maybe no…whatever :-P Anyways, wow was that a great time! We had awesome seats for the show too cause Amanda gets the bestest seats in the world because she knows like everyone :-P Then after the show, because Amanda knows everyone, we met the whole cast AND Tracy Thoms’ parents (Joanne from Rent (the movie)) were there!!! OMG we soooo met them!!! And her dad was on the phone with her and she said hi to us!!! *orgasm* What an amazing night! We got back here at like one and I was exchausted but still so excited even though I had to get up for work. I didn’t even mind work this weekend. I got a lot of my homework done Saturday at work and then today I was soooo busy all day, I swear I didn’t have 15 minutes to think. Then when I finally got to leave work I checked my phone and saw that Karen called me back, after me obsessively compulsively calling her all week. So I was so excited about that because I missed her so much, there was so much I had to tell her! We talked for like 2 hours and I get to see her next weekend cause I’m coming home :-D We have off Tuesday and Wednesday and I’m so skipping class Monday and making it a LONG weekend :-P Yay! Hopefully I’ll get to hang out with everyone I want to hang out with *wink wink* :-P I’m in a good mood again…scary…I think I got used to West Chester again, it takes me about a week I think, then I’m good. So I should be finishing homework right now but I can’t concentrate on anything…my mind is going in 500 directions, that always happens after I talk to Karen. We had so much to discuss. So many things to analyze. We are so awesome in every way. I can’t wait to see her again and have *fun* you know what I mean girl *wink wink* :-P I’m such a dork but yanno what I’m over it, I’m a dork and if you don’t like it, then don’t talk to me. I think we fully established that Friday night, right girls? :-P God that was such a great night! I can’t even get over it. Oh well, I think it’s time for me to go to bed because I have to get up early and do some very important things, so I’ll update more later :-P He barely even has you how can he lose you? Karen I love you...always and forever :-P

...Depressed beyond belief...

So let’s reflect on the past year…I’ve had some of the most amazing times of my life, and also some of the worst. I’ve been loved and hated, used, betrayed and made a total fool of. Looking back, now that I think about it, it’s been a shitty year overall and it continues to get shittier as time goes on. I lost a whole group of friends, whether that was for the better or the worse really doesn’t matter at this point, I gained an amazing best friend, I went from being hated, to well, still being hated by a lot of people but at the same time became loved by some of the most random people ever, people you would never expect. I’ve solidified a lot of friendships and finally found, in my opinion, the perfect group of friends. This time last year I was stressing about my audition for the University of the Arts in Philly only to find out a few weeks later that I didn’t get in, no surprise there. I remember that day like it was yesterday, how cold it was in Philly that morning and how nervous I was and how I knew, as soon as I walked into the dance part of the audition, that I didn’t make it. I remember calling Chad because he was so confident in me. I remember how he talked to me until one in the morning the night before I went calming me down and reassuring me, to bad I let him down. I was getting ready for Dio and County Chorus which were both amazing, so many great times. I landed one of the lead roles in the play and practice would be starting soon, long nights of never ending drama. That’s when my life started getting really interesting and it hasn’t slowed down since. In that span of time between when play rehearsals started and the end of the summer I went from having two boyfriends in a row to having none…again…what a surprise. This time of year always makes it worse too. I thought I was going to have a boyfriend this year for the holidays and that hope kinda went out the window back in August. I hate sitting here alone, I’m tired of it. Sometimes I wonder if there is a guy out there for me. I thought there was…now I’m not so sure. I just want someone who is going to care about me and think about me and just be there for me. I want that so bad. God I’m looking at pictures of my from the past year and this summer and how fucking fat I got. I’m so unhappy with myself right now. People keep telling me I look great but yeah, they lie. I know I gained weight, let’s stop trying to make me feel good people. I’m sure that doesn’t help in my search for the perfect guy. No guy wants a fat girlfriend, they just don’t. Can you tell I’m depressed right now? I hope so because that’s the feeling I’m going for. It’s two in the morning on New Years Eve…well I guess it’s New Years Day now…but whatever. I’m sitting here alone writing a God damn journal entry, for Christ’s sake. How pathetic is that? I’m thinking about you and where you are right now, even though I have a pretty good idea of at least what you’re doing right now. I wish you were here with me but I guess that’s never going to happen is it? I’m thinking about Joe too and why the hell he’s going to be a priest…I swear to God the only guys that show the slightest bit of interest in me are guys I could never have. Joe is hot and he likes me…I mean in that friendly kinda way…we so could be dating if it wasn’t for that damn little fact that he wants to be a priest. And what about the other Joe, he’s so adorable and he likes me too. He just told me tonight that he loves me and is in love with my voice, we’d make such and awesome couple, but yeah, Joe is gay. What the hell! Seriously already. And any of the other guys in my life that are interested in me only hang out with me when they want to fool around, so basically all I am is a little fuck buddy they call when they want to mess around. I want a guy that is going to treat me right and respect me. I think I deserve at least that much. I want a guy like Joe (the first one) because he seems like the kind of guy that would treat me right. He doesn’t seem like the type that would play games…of course I could very well be wrong about that, hell I’ve been wrong about guys in the past…does the name Jerome ring a bell to anyone? But seriously…guys I think are good guys just turn out to be just as big as assholes as anyone else. I am currently being used by one of the nicest guys I know for God’s sake. And why do I let them do this to me? Because I want their attention and I will do absolutely anything to get it. Any time a guy shows even the slightest bit of interest in me I jump all over it like friggin white on rice. So I guess it’s my fault again…as usual, what a surprise. Happy fucking New Year everyone…hope it doesn’t suck for you.