I just don’t know, everything is so messed up in my mind…ever since I came home I have been nuts…things make even less sense than they did when I first left for college…I am overwhelmed with emotions right now and no one seems to understand. It is like nothing matters to me anymore, and I know that really bad at this point in my life, but I mean what can I do? I was ok. Till I came home…then all these feelings came back to me. It was like all of a sudden I had all this stuff to deal with again, all this stuff I was running away from, it was all shoved back onto me and I wasn’t ready for it. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now…I have no idea about anything. I just want everyone to leave me alone…like forever…I cannot deal with life right now. Today I woke up but all I could think about was laying back down and dying, it’s all I wanted to do…I guess this is what breaking up is supposed to feel like…but wow does it suck when the other person doesn’t feel the same…or you have no idea what they are feeling or thinking or whatever…I’m just so depressed. I want him back, more than anything. But what a surprise that’s not going to happen…I’m alone…again…for the billionth time in my life…completely alone…I thought I was finally going to get to have someone…apparently not…I look at people in relationships and envy them so much…cause I had that…I had the storybook ending…I had the perfectness and now it’s gone…that quick…how can you just stop caring about someone, or convince yourself to stop caring about them? How does that happen? Did you ever care about me at all? What was my purpose? I sure as hell hope I had one…yanno it’s funny I went from like two guys liking me…to one…to like 3 now and I can’t be with any of them…I don’t want anyone…and even if I could be with them mentally I still couldn’t…that makes no sense but you don’t know the situation, so it wouldn’t, if you knew, you’d understand. It’s like once again Christine gets the shaft all around. I went from being used to being loved (for a while at least) to being used again because people are “confused†well what about me, everyone always thinks of themselves…no one ever stops to think about what their “confusion†does to Christine. I’m confused too. But that doesn’t matter…I never matter. What I want never matters…how I feel…nothing matters to anyone…I’m glad everyone feels like they can “figure things out†with me or they are “going to figure things out†but meanwhile here I am standing in the shadows waiting…I’m always waiting…waiting for Mr. Right, who I thought I found…apparently not…I hate being used…and wow have I been used in the past five months…in every way imaginable…more than anyone has any clue about…I can’t even express to you the degree to which I have been used…I’m just here to please people at the time and then they can throw me away…I’m tired of being everyone’s crap…I’m tired of feeling used and alone and sad…even the most amazing things in my life turn into shit…how can I ever trust anything/anyone again…I can’t. My level of trust for everyone is so low right now I wouldn’t even call it trust. I am emotionally incapable of trusting because every time I trust anything I get burned…so I’m done. I trust no one, not one single person. I have had it. This is the product of what you have all done to me; I hope you are all pleased with yourselves. You have cut yourselves off from ever getting close to me…thanks...I refuse to let anyone get close to me ever again…I couldn’t have been anymore honest than I was tonight and what is it going to get me? Nothing. The same as every other time I put myself out there. I need sleep…or at least a good cry…shouldn’t be hard at this point in my day…goodnight.