So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately, especially since I got Brian’s cd (Brian, as in, from BSB). I think it’s wonderful that he put out a Christian cd. I have a hard time getting into Christian music because most of it is all upbeat and not the traditional kind of music I’m used to from church, but Brian’s cd is different. He somehow manages to mix pop with Christian lyrics and I love it :-D Anyways, his cd has got me thinking about life and what’s really important. And I’ve realized that if I put all the nonsense in my life aside, I am really truly happy with where my life is at right now. There are a lot of things I’m still uncertain about but I need to let that all up to God now and to let Him decide what direction my life is supposed to take next. I know a lot of people have a hard time doing that, but I guess for me it’s kind of like me brushing my life off onto someone else and letting them worry about it for a while, and the amazing thing about that is, someone is worrying about it.
I need a break from my life right now. I just want to sit back and enjoy everything. Enjoy the day, enjoy the people in my life, enjoy all of my positive relationships that I have, that God has blessed me with. I don’t want to worry about jobs and my career; I just want to live my life for what it is at the moment. I don’t want to worry about my future or dwell on my past. I want to move on. The past is in the past, something I struggle with from time to time, facing the reality that what happened 6 months ago is done and over with and sure it was great but it’s over and I will always have wonderful memories from it and that’s what’s important. Remembering the good in your life and not that bad is what’s truly essential in living life. The bad things that have happened in my life have always led to good things, so that’s what I’m waiting for. This period in between is always hard, but if you think of it as a waiting period instead of saying nothing good is happening in my life, it makes it a lot easier to handle. Unfortunately you can never forget the bad things that have happened but you can always replace their memories with good ones.
I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry but as I’m writing I’m realizing I tend to let bad things that have happened in my life rule my life. I dwell on them and even months after they have happened I’m still haunted by them. I think we all do this to some degree but I decided that it’s a waste of time. What happened happened. There is nothing I can do about it and I’m not just taking about the same old things I always talk about here. I’m talking about everything, things people don’t even know about, things that are hurting me and have been for a long time. It’s time to let those things go, let those people go. They aren’t a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be a part of my life anymore. I mean, who wants things in their lives that hurt them? I mean unless you are a masochist. I don’t want bad things to define me. I’m happy right now and it’s because I have finally let those things go. I have no drama in my life. For the first time in a long time, I can finally say that my life is drama free and I am loving it. All of my sources of drama are gone and they are gone because I have gotten them out of my life.
God is watching out for me. I know He is. He never lets me get myself into a situation so deep that I can’t get myself out of it. He likes to warn me a lot, with a lot of subtle and sometimes not so subtle hints. He keeps my life in line and when I stray He puts me back where I belong. There have been so many instances in my life that I have seen it. And then people ask me why I believe…live the past year of my life and you will see how God has quietly walked in and out of my life. Sometimes He works quietly and you have to look more closely to see where He has been and other times He storms into my life and turns me around like a slap in the face. But each and every time I knew it was Him. He has come and gone so many times. He brings the greatest joys to my life but also some of the hardest times too. I believe that He brings hardship and pain into our lives to get us to see things that we are missing, to make us aware. Sometimes our vision gets so blurry that we need someone to help us see and it isn’t always what we want to see. He clears our eyes and often He does it with tears, but even after the hardest of times, I knew He was there with me all the while. God doesn’t make our lives hard or give us things we can’t handle, those things that happen are His subtle way of shaking us and getting us back on the right path. Don’t tell me what I’m saying isn’t true because I’ve seen it working in my life. That’s how I know, it’s why I believe.
I think Brian’s album has reinforced and reminded me of everything I believe. It has given me the opportunity to collect my thoughts about my faith in a time when I felt like they were scattered all over the place. I wish I could thank him, but I guess I can thank God because He’s the one that inspired the record and inspired Brian to write and sing what he did. You can say I’m stretching here, but God brought Brian’s album to me when I was having some doubts. You can call me crazy but it’s just another one of those moments in my life when I know God was working and I can look up at the sky tonight and know that there is someone up there watching out for me, because there is and He loves you too. It’s a very reassuring feeling. Goodnight and God Bless.