The candle flickers
I watch it, memorized, thinking of you
The cold face of the TV lends little comfort to my lonely soul
The empty couch, a constant reminder of my stupidity
Why do I allow this to happen?
I give myself far too easy
I let myself get involved way to deep
Way to fast.
There is no freedom for me now
Only lonely nights, left with a mind full of questions
And a heart longing for answers
Even my dreams provide little solace
Waking to only images of you
Thoughts of uncertainty and regret
Anger at myself for letting this happen
Sadness of the thought of waking up alone
With no one to hold onto
With memories of those few precious seconds
Whirling through my mind
When I thought that everything would be wonderful
Not thinking of what the next morning would bring
How foolish I am
How naïve
To think you would wake up and somehow think of me
Why can’t you say the words?
You don’t want commitment…
I hear you, without you ever speaking a word
It’s not that hard to figure out
You are an open book that I am forced to read over and over and over again
The pages keep scrolling through my mind
And on every page they say the same thing
I’m just not ready for you.
Am I supposed to be comforted by that?
Is it supposed to make me feel good?
Those are the answers I long for
No your stupid pale attempts at excuses
I know what you are trying to do
You don’t want to hurt me
You want to trick me into a false sense of security
And surprise, you have
But no trick can mask the feeling that I have to face everyday when I wake up
No façade can conceal or disguise my heartache
When I wake up and realize that last night was a lie
I try so hard to make it into something that it wasn’t
I cannot even verbalize what it could have meant
To you
To anyone
But I know what it meant to me
It meant that something is there
Something exists between us
No matter what it may be
It has no definition
But it most certainly does have a name
A name that stares me in the face every morning
A name that puts me to sleep every night
It is called loneliness
And I’m glad it hasn’t affected you the way it has affected me
But I suppose that’s the price I pay
For giving myself away