So this weekend was so awesome. I came home Thursday night with Rachel, who is now officially my new bestest friend (but not really, cause no one can compare to my awesome Karen!). Got home around 6:30 and just chilled out with the parents. It was so awesome to wake up Friday in my own bed! Friday night was HOMECOMING!!! The night I have been waiting for for quite some time now. I was so excited to see everyone, especially Karen! It was so nice to be back at Marian, I missed it so, even though I hated it when I was actually there, I’d kill to go back now. It was drizzling though, which did nothing for my perfectly straightened hair! Seriously it took me like an hour to get it perfect and how I wanted it and then I went outside and blah. But yeah…saw Matty…didn’t even say hi to me, I was kinda upset about that, I mean rightly so. I love how he treats me like I don’t even exist and I still love him as much as I did when we were dating, you would think how he acts would deter me…nope. Being home this weekend made me realize how much I miss everyone. I think actually I am finally ok with being away from home, but now it’s the people that I really miss. I miss high school a lot too. Even though there was drama almost everyday of my life, I wish I could go back. I miss walking the halls and skipping classes with Corey. I miss seeing people I actually knew in the hallway. I miss visiting Father first period and riding the roller coaster in his office. I miss Lou and Bernie. I miss pretty much everything about high school. I miss seeing Karen everyday. I miss the football games A LOT; they were my life every Friday night for as long as I was at Marian. I miss the play, God so I miss that thing, even though it brought me no end of drama, even to this day. I would give anything to do it just one more time. I was watching Laguna last night and they had the episode from last week on and it was prom at Laguna…yay fond memories of how my prom was absolutely the best night of my life…too bad things didn’t work out. Yanno if you asked me three months ago what I thought my life would be like now I would never imagine it would be like this. It was the storybook ending. It was what I always wanted. It was everything. And now…look at it. It’s a mess. The guy I thought was going to be there for me through this whole college experience has vanished from my life; only the incredible memories are still in my mind. I see him every time I close my eyes and what sucks is that I’m almost 110% sure he has no trouble sleeping at night and when he closes his eyes all he sees is the back of his eyelids. I finally thought my life was turning around, after all the bullshit I had to deal with I thought finally it was my turn to be happy. I guess I thought wrong…again. Why is it every time I think things are going to be good, they turn around and slap me in the face? Why can’t, for once, I be happy. I was so genuinely happy three months ago. Karen saw it more than anyone cause she’s the one I went to. No one else knows how incredibly happy I was ALL THE TIME. None of you ever saw that because by that time I had distanced myself so far from anything that would ever make me unhappy I was virtually shut off from the rest of the world. Think back, do you even remember talking to me from like May 20th to July twenty something? I bet you don’t, and it’s for that reason that you don’t. Yanno and I’m sorry I did that but it was about time I got something that I wanted. I guess you can all have a good laugh now cause what a surprise it came back and kicked me in the ass. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m happy right now but I know I could be 100% happier if he were still in my life. Just the fact that I could have been able to call him and cry about how much I miss home would have been something. It would have been nice to see him on Friday and be able to go up to him and hug him, but I couldn’t…God knows when I’m going to see him again. We aren’t even still friends. I mean I guess we aren’t we don’t even talk. And that’s what sucks so incredibly bad. I want to be friends, I could handle friends because it would open up the possibility of us getting back together but yeah, screwed over again, cause we aren’t even friends. How does that happen? Going from caring about someone so much to not even wanting to be their friend? Ok and the not wanting to hurt me line is getting REALLY old. How could you ever think it would be a good idea to see your ex-gf, who you claimed to still like when you broke up, and not saying ANYTHING? How does THAT not equal hurt. Tell me please, I would love to know. So don’t even talk about him not wanting to hurt me cause hello!!! What do you think he’s doing? Why do you have to be so fucking closed off Matty? Why?! Why couldn’t we have tried this while I was at college and if it didn’t work it didn’t work, at least then I would know it actually didn’t work out instead of constantly asking myself what if? I hate doubting. I hate having to ask myself that everyday. And I can guarantee that you are sitting at home right now playing video games and thinking about some obscure topic like world peace while I am here dying because of you. And for all you people who love to tell me to “get over it†and “forget him†and ask if I’m “still obsessing over Matty†you fucking go through this, you have the time of your life with someone, have the most amazing prom night ever with them, have the storybook kiss on the front porch, have the most incredible fourth of July weekend with them, make out on your living room floor with them, and then let me tell you to forget it. Let me sit here and tell you to get over him already and that you can’t keep letting him get you this upset. Let you see how it feels cause when the shoe is on the other foot I guarantee you would be singing a different tune. And to top it all off, you know how amazing all that stuff I mentioned sounded, well you should have been living it. I was living in a dream world for nearly a month of my life and then it gets taken away as quick as it started. So don’t fucking tell me to “get over it.†I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m sad. Let me feel what I feel, there is no way to stop that. No matter what you say or do nothing is ever going to fix this, it’s something only time can heal.*
*Anyone reading this that this paragraph doesn’t seem to apply to, it probably doesn’t and even if it does vaguely seem to apply to you it probably is not focused directly at you. There are a few very specific people it was directed to and most likely you are not one of them, so please don’t get defensive with me. Have a nice day.
m/