Whatever happened to Eddie? It seems like he was just here. And what happened to Billy, Bobby, Jackie, and John? Jimmy, Paul, Vinnie, Tom, Charlie, and Richie? Where'd they go? And where the fuck did Cameron come from? And Jordan, Justin, Shane, Parker, Tucker, Tyler, Taylor, Carter, Flynn, Blake, and Cody...who let these people in? Brett, Brent, Blair, Cassidy...where are all these names coming from? Say what you want about the people who are running for president this year, but at least they have the decency to be named George and John. Popularity of first names is a crap shoot, and changes almost yearly. Usually a newspaper would put the most popular names that year, and they're never the same. You never run into girls named Bertha or Edith. There's no Opals, Hopes, or Pearls in daycare. There's no Ethel, Nelly, Agatha, or Mable, and how many parents are praying for a daughter so they can use the name Blanche, Clara, or Agnes? None. Because most of these women are in nursing homes. Thanks to the names today, someday those homes will be filled with Ambers, Kaylas, Tiffanys, Kaitlyns, Morgans, Ashleys, Meghans, Courtneys, Britneys, and Heathers. Not counting Judi, Laurie, Susie, Debbi, Kelli, and Wendi, and any other name that can be spelled with a final "I". The most annoying are girls whose names don't end in "Y", but they have an "I" in there anyway. "Hi, my name is Margaret, but somehow I spell it with an 'I'." There are now women named Faith, Hope, and Joy. If I ever get to name a kid, I'd name it after a common emotion, like Despair, Guilt, and Rage, just to be fair. You know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? I mean, when you think of it off the top of your head, it doesn't make any sense, until you think of it this way: it keeps the killing personal. No one cares about people killed by a number. "200 DEAD AS #3 COMES ASHORE" is really, really boring compared to something like "CHARLIE KILLS 200". Guess the white guy: Odell, Tyrone, Jermaine, and Sparky. First names even say how tough you are. Who would you want on your side if you're in a bar fight? Arnold, Seymour, Jasper, and Percy? Or Nitro, Hacksaw, Rhino, and Skull? I was just wondering...and now I'm outta here.