man i haven't updated on sitdiary in foreverrrr! and i'm not going to now either. i have had a melodramatic account for like 4 years and have gone back to that. i luv my melo so much more. if anyone has a melo u can go friend me on that. my user name is budice. ha ha i made the account back in highschool when i was obsessed with bud ice tall cans. anyways, go find me!

so last night/this morning i worked an overnight and around 2:30am i got a text from kyle. i despise that kid. i don't want to explain the situation to those of u who don't know who he is, but here's the text message conversation we had. him: hey sorry its late im just at work and i wanted 2 give u my new number. me: who's this? him:kyle p******* me: well that was unneccessary i dont need ur number. i think ur trash and i dont want u in my life. him:no im sorry i wish i can make it up to u and take u out me: you've had plenty of chances to redeem yourself and u kept fucking up. i know u tried to get with dani after the last time we hooked up. how dare u try to fuck my bestfriend behind my back like that. not to mention the time u slapped me. i put up with u cuz i cared about u but im not that dumb anymore. u totally took advantage of me dude. if i ever run into u again im going to punch u in ur fucking face. him: wow i really am sorry for taken u for granted. i really would like to go have coffee and talk 4 old time sake. me: ur a fucking idiot. him:i know but im not an idiot to know when i hurt u im sorry me: yeah but how many times have u apologized? too many, and u never mean it. im so over u now that i know what kind of a person u really are. him: please just let me atleast get right with u me: nah you'll forever be on my bad side homie. him: Trish please i want to have u as my friend please me: i refuse to have such a negative person in my life. i've been extremely happy with my life lately and im not going to let u ruin that. him: ive been thinken of u alot and it just kills me that we cant be friends me: good. i hope u feel awful. u had plenty of chances to be my friend. and u know what a lot of people dislike u now because of how u treated me. u deserve everything that you're going to get. him: well i hope i do but before its all said and done i would like to apologize 4 my actions me: too little too late homie. i can't even believe that he thought i'd be cool with him. i'm a different person now, and won't ever let a man treat me the way he did again. its sad that guys like him have turned me into such a bitter man hater, but im slowly getting over that. i don't hurt over him anymore. i'm grateful that in the end i'm a stronger person for having gone through what i went through with him. he's such a sleazy fucking piece of trash. it was so random to hear from him tonight. craziness. damn i'm tired. goodnight all.

someone totally put this image in my head and it won't go away. i must have sex in a book store! or library. i'm a dork and luv to read, and adore guys who read...so yeah that would be super fucking hot. bend me over a stack of books and just fuck me. thats my new goal in life. being goal oriented rocks!

the stupid medication gives me insomnia. after the first couple of days of being on it i started taking tylenol pm at night so that i could sleep. almost 2 weeks worth of that stuff. so last night i decided not to take any. i was very sleepy and thought i'd be able to sleep, but no. its 1am and i have to get up for work at 5am...and i haven't slept yet! this fucking sucks. i'm tired as all hell but i keep flopping around. i can't sit still. i hate this. before i slept too much and now i can't sleep at all. this sucks.

so this morning sucked. i got up at 4:30am to take a shower and get ready for work. as i was showering i started to feel like i was going to pass out and i got all shaky. had to sit down for a bit. when i got out i looked in the mirror and my face and lips where so pale it was scary. i sat down for awhile and everytime i got up i felt like i was going to pass out again. i drank some water, then a few minutes later threw it up. it was good times. so yeah i called out to work and the service manager didn't sound happy. i've never called out on a tuesday before because tuesdays are new release day and i have a ton of shit to do but it was beyond my control. after i called out at 6am i went back to bed and just woke up right now feeling better. my mom made me oatmeal. mmm, good times.

since i started taking my medication there are times during the day where i just can't sit still. i was trying to take a nap and just started flopping around and couldn't lay still until i had to get out of bed. i spent a good hour beating the shit out of my punching bag and jumping around my room while listening to the vandals. it was good fun. i still have energy but i took a shower and i'm more relaxed now. yesterday i ran around the house chasing my neice. and before that i cleaned my room and swept the whole house. i just feel like if i sit still i'll go crazy. most of the time i like the energy...the only time it frustrates me is when i'm tired and want to sleep. and lately i haven't been wanting to drink. it seems to have lost its appeal. garrett's still texting me trying to get some ass. i told him about the medication but not what it's for. i basically just said that its been making me feel sick and that i dont have much of a sex drive lately. i'm mostly just afraid to find out if its going to kill my sex life, not that it has already. he was like once we get into it your mood will change. ha ha he's really persistent. i told him maybe next weekend. i'm just indecisive as to whether or not i want to get back into the whole friends with benefits thing. i enjoy the attention but no longer feel like i need it. i'll decide if i want to hook up with him again before next weekend. shhk shhhk. done!

i can't sleep. i was laying in bed for a couple of hours. i hate not being able to sleep. i couldn't sleep last night either. i'm thinking its a side effect of the medication, and it better go away soon. i go back to work monday, i can't get up at 5am if i don't get any sleep. sleep is my favorite thing in the world. in fact i'd rather not be able to orgasm than not be able to sleep (if u read my entry from the other night u will know what i'm talking about). i get really tired, but when i lay down i can't sleep...i just flop around in frustration. i haven't been smoking as much weed lately and i dont want to have to smoke just to get to bed (that gets expensive), so i'll probably go buy some tylenol pm. i have to get sleep sunday night or else i'll call in to work...and i can't do that after being on vacation for a month. shit i'm tired i'll go try the sleep thing again. wish me luck!

my doctor perscribed me anti depressants...and she was like there is one major side effect that about 1/3 of the patients end up with. if you get it it will be very noticeable. so i'm sitting there thinking oh great it's going to make me fat or something like that...but no, she says u might not be able to orgasm while on the medication. ha ha ha. i found it very funny. it's not like i'm getting tons of ass anyways so i don't care. but hopefully the happy pills will just make me feel better and not take away my ability to get off. everytime i think about her telling me about the potential loss of orgasmn i chuckle. it really did make me sleepy though so i have to go take a nap. i'll have to start taking them at night so i don't fall asleep at work (i'm supposed to go back on monday...my boss didn't put me on the schedule from what i hear so i'll have to call her...ugh).

i haven't talked to G in days. i did however talk to NG last night online. i guess we're still friends. whatever happens happens. at this point i don't care. i'm young and i'm hot. yay!

so this story will make me sound really lame but i'm ok with that. on monday night i was super bored and decided to browse myspace for a cute boy to harrass. i found one whose hair i liked and immed him "hi. i like your hair." ha ha. and we talked. he's a ucr student and not actually from riverside, which is great because i hate riverside boys. anyways, we hung out the next day. yeah, i met someone from myspace...how fuckin lame am i. fuck you im bored with the people i know ha ha. i brought my friend ashley with me just in case he turned out to be crazy. he wasn't crazy and i had fun. ashley invited her friend over there and while myspace guy and i were out getting food her drunk ass stuffed all the beer in her purse and boned out. yeah. his roomate told us she stole all the fuckin beer, and dropped one on the way out. how ghetto and typical of a riverside native the whole thing was. we thought it was funny but i'm still embarrassed for her alcoholic ass. i texted her and she finally responded this morning and said that she only took 2...i didn't even respond. and oh yeah i'm captain slutface because i slept with him. had lots of hot sex with the myspace boy i had just met. i think the fact that i hadn't had sex in over 2 months made me not care that i don't really know him. i don't want to date him or anything, and i really don't want to use him as a booty call either. it was just a random night.

i just talked to G. things are fine with us again. he still loves me, ha. neither of us wants to be in a relationship right now, and im still not willing to sleep with someone i like that isnt commiting to me. soooo this isn't going anywhere for awhile ha ha. but we're still friends, and thats all that matters. he's a sweetheart.

"life goes on without you!" that's G's away message. can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with me. i still think he's over-reacting. i'm only crazy because men make me this way! true story.

night before last i was realllly fucked up. i had texted NG and we talked like normal people for awhile. by the time i got home i was completely wasted and got online and immed him and G. poor G deals with so much with me. he has put up with a lot from me but i think he's finally done with my drama. i'm one of those people who never shares anything with anyone, but for some reason i tell G a lot...too much. he couldn't deal with me and all the shit i laid on him out of nowhere. and then i thought it would be a good idea to text K7 because i needed someone to talk to and he was the only person i knew that wouldn't judge me and my irrational thoughts (because he's a crazy alcoholic). so we had a completely normal conversation. i basically just listened to him talk because i was drunk and sad and had nothing to say to him. he told me that he recently found out he's a father. ha ha he found out over myspace! some girl he used to hook up with sent him a fuckin myspace message to tell him she gave birth to his kid...not that she was pregnant, but that she had already given birth to his kid. he said he's going to get a paternity test which i agree is a good idea. i mean why else would she have waited until she gave birth...to see what or who the kid looks like. like hmm does my baby look like a mexican, or white kid. all i said was this is why u should use condoms ha ha. he also talked about how he has court soon for his 2 DUI's...yeah, 2. and other random stuff. i was feeling better so i decided it was time to go to bed. we said out goodbyes (i hadnt talked to him in almost a year) and i went to bed. and then like 10 minutes later my cell rings and its the number he called me from earlier so i answer "hello" and he responds "i love you." yeah random. i said what, and he said i love u again. i kinda flipped out i was like are u drunk? i am too fucked up to deal with this shit right now kris, what the fuck. he just kept telling e he loved me and that i needed to know that blah blah. i was like uhh ur drunk and telling me u love me will not get u laid homie, and he hung up. he didnt sound drunk the first time we talked so i dont know what the fuck happened or why he suddenly had to do that. i was like uh u cant just tell a girl u love her after not talking to her for a year, ha ha he said he lost my number. wtf ever. i know he drunkenly loses and breaks his phones on a regular basis but we know a lot of the same people and he could have easily gotten my number. it was just weird because he used to just say "so u wanna hang out" when he wanted to get some. i love u is a bit much just to get some, especially since during the 2 years we were hooking up he never even so much as said he liked me let alone loved me. i wish he would have been slurring so atleast i'd know he was drunk. weird. just weird. and through all of this, and all of these other guys, i still miss nate (NG). i think i can stop using all of these letters and numbers because after 4 years theres just too many guys to keep up with and im getting confused my damn self ha ha. and oh yeah i didnt end up hooking up with garrett that night. he fell asleep and didnt hit me up until 6am the next morning. and its a good thing because i was quite drunk that night and he doesnt drink at all and would have been quite turned off by me. bleargh.

so i decided that some hot casual sex would help me be less depressed. ha ha yeah i'm awesome. and in no way does awesome mean slutty! shit i've been abstaining for 2 months now its time. started texting garrett (my old friends with benefits guy...we hook up when we're both not dating anyone) today out of boredom. probably because i wanted attention. so i have a date in his pants tonight around 10ish. i don't really believe that whole "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" saying...but it will get my mind off of NG and al the other shit in my life that's bugging me. and fuck, 2 months! that's like 10 years. ha ha. yeah, EXACTLY the same.

i deleted him from my buddylist again. i'll talk to him when he ims me, but i dont want to be tempted to be the one initiating conversation. i deleted his number from my phone days ago, but after 4 years i have the number memorized so that won't be much help. last night i was so ok with things, but this morning im sad again. i miss him so fucking much! ugh. seriously, not cool. when i think about him im so tempted to just go lay down and try to sleep. i feel like if i'm sleeping i wont be sad. last night after i ran i felt a lot better so i'll just have to keep myself busy in hopes that that will make me ok with the way things are. and even though i'm sad its not nearly as bad as it was before. i think i'll always get a little sad when i think about him. after 4 years i know that much. so i just went back to the last page of my old private melo entries and found this "i feel so sick i need to go to bed...i totally just talked to n***** ******* didn’t i..................................................................................................oh man i feel so sick. i wish he would just know its me, cuz i miss every part of him..." that was a drunken entry from march of 2004. i met him about 4 years ago and that was written 3 years ago sometime after we stopped talking the first time around. i was trying to remember how long it took me to get over him back then, that was after a year...yeah this is going to take awhile isn't it. fuck. or maybe i just never got over him and never will. lame.

so i had a normal conversation with NG about nothing in particular. i'm trying not to hate him. but i know that if we talk as normal friends it will be much harder for me to get over him. i basically just wanted to have a meaningless conversation to let him know im ok without him and i dont hate him. i wont talk to him much from now on, just had to do it tonight. i still miss him, boo...but yeah basically im working on being ok without him and not feeling sorry for myself anymore! yay me.

so i had been contemplating ending things with G for a few days now. then NG talked to me and i realized that i don't want men in my life right now. i mean G doesn't even compare to NG. he's a sweet guy, but i don't feel for him what i felt for NG. i don't want to use G just because i need attention. sooo i did end it...via the internet like i do everything ha ha. me [12:23 P.M.]: hey me [12:25 P.M.]: hit me up later when ur not busy i want to talk to u about something G [12:27 P.M.]: What's up G [12:27 P.M.]: I'm just running errands I can talk G [12:28 P.M.]: Just mite take a little longer me [12:28 P.M.]: no worries me [12:28 P.M.]: i just think that we should go back to being just friends. im drama and u dont need that. i think im happier when im not talking to a guy the way we have been. me [12:30 P.M.]: u know ive been really depressed lately and sitting here wondering why u dont want to hang out with me doesnt make me feel any better. and i dont want to subject u to my craziness any more than i already have. G [12:48 P.M.]: Okay G [12:48 P.M.]: If that's how u feel then that's fine me [12:49 P.M.]: ok. i just didnt want to do to u what everyone does to me and just stop talking to u without telling u why. ur a great guy, im just in a bad place right now. thanks for understanding. G [12:52 P.M.]: Of course G [12:52 P.M.]: I can't get mad G [12:52 P.M.]: Its fine me [12:52 P.M.]: ok a big part of me not wanting to talk to him anymore was that he always avoids hanging out. he has very little self confidence and has told me before that he's intimidated by me. i'm not here to be his cheerleader and constantly remind him that i do infact like him, etc. so yeah. bye bye G.

so NG finally immed me last night. him [12:51 A.M.]: whats goin on sweet thang me [12:52 A.M.]: chillin him [12:52 A.M.]: whats the count down at until ur birthday me [12:53 A.M.]: yeah im not even going to respond to that him [12:53 A.M.]: why not? me [12:53 A.M.]: cuz ur a little late homie him [12:53 A.M.]: what?! me [12:54 A.M.]: dont act dumb him [12:54 A.M.]: im not acting dumb me [12:55 A.M.]: u cant just disappear for like amonth and then expect that im going to just talk to u like we're cool him [12:56 A.M.]: im not asking cuz of sex or anything i know that that isnt going to happen me [12:56 A.M.]: i didnt think u were him [12:56 A.M.]: good me [12:57 A.M.]: im pretty sure u realize now that that's never going to happen him [12:57 A.M.]: i do me [12:57 A.M.]: so what was ur problem? me [12:57 A.M.]: i'm just baffled him [12:58 A.M.]: i jsut got spooked cuz i really started to like you and i was thinking that after we fuck and knowing how good it would be shit would jsut suck like trying to hang all the time like we would want to me [12:58 A.M.]: well why coulodnt u just say that me [12:58 A.M.]: instead of making me wonder what i did wrong him [12:59 A.M.]: i dunno i really dont me [12:59 A.M.]: i felt so fucking dumb constantly texting u asking why u werent talking to me and stuff me [1:00 A.M.]: but i didnt want to give up because i liked u so fucking much. u could have been mature about it. him [1:00 A.M.]: my whole life has been outta my hands me [1:00 A.M.]: then u texted me telling me u werent making the same mistake u did years ago...then did it again anyways him [1:00 A.M.]: i've been dealling with other peoples family issues and its fucking me up me [1:01 A.M.]: u know what, we all have problems. trust me if anyone would have understood its me. me [1:01 A.M.]: but im glad u finally decided to clear shit up. i guess this is my closure. him [1:01 A.M.]: i still think about how much i liked hangin around with u me [1:03 A.M.]: i dont even know what to say right now. me [1:03 A.M.]: why did u im me tonight. u had to have known i wouldnt have anything nice to say. him [1:04 A.M.]: doesnt mean that i wouldnt wanna talk to u him [1:04 A.M.]: i know wha ti was in for me [1:06 A.M.]: i dont know what else to say me [1:06 A.M.]: just dont come back into my life in another 4 years and fuck with my heart again. me [1:06 A.M.]: goodnight him [1:06 A.M.]: goodnight i guess that's as close to closure as i'll get. whethere he's telling the truth or not, atleast i got a reason. it still sucks and i'm still sad. but atleast i'm not going crazy wondering why. i just need to not talk to him at all anymore and the feelings will eventually go away i guess...

too much time has passed with him not calling or texting or imming me at all. he didn't even call on my birthday. nothing. i can take a hint. i just hate that guys do this shit, then when they're ready for something come back into your life and say they fucked up expecting another chance. and i'm totally giving G another chance right now, but suddenly feel like i shouldn't be. i want to go out on a date with D(i forget his number, but we hooked up once like a year ago, he's a total sweetheart). he asked me out to dinner once but i was on my way to venice to see douche bag NG. i thought NG was the perfect guy, but they don't exist. i can't lay full blame on him though, i think i did come on too strong too fast. with other guys its like dang he hasn't called me time to move on...but with NG i thought i was in love with him so it drove me so incredibly crazy when he wouldn't call all of the sudden. and i liked him so much that i was so shy around him for fear of doing or saying something stupid. i was so close to telling G last night that we need to stop talking to eachother. he's a good guy and doesn't deserve my craziness. plus i don't want him to hurt me. i don't know what to do to make myself happy. grrr. done.

"no trish. this isn't the silent treatment. ur a fuckin rad chick. i've been all over the place goin crazy and my phone hasn't been with me much. i hope that u can understand that i am not making the mistake i did four years back." he sent me that today. michelle said "aw give the boy another chance." and of course i know i will. i started talking to G again last night. and he's so infatuated with me still. i think i'm going to stray from my loyal ways and date both of them...and make out with random strangers in vegas. fuck being sad over boys and giving so much and getting nothing in return. this is my summer to have fun. so yeah. new me. i'm not going to sleep with any of these boys, just date around. and then by the next day he had me frustrated again...i told him that he needs to decide if he wants to date me or not. i need to know if he wants to date me, or if i can go date other people and enjoy my summer. he didn't respond. and he was online last night and didn't im me, and he's on right now and isn't imming me. fuck this. he's playing games. no one is that busy. there are 24 hours in each day. there's always time for a phone call.