well... yes it was fun. jordan didnt even come though because the bugger was at his mom's house which REALLY REALLY sucks. ar and paul never tried anything though. we're going to try to have it be all FOUR of us this friday at my house. rob over on thursday, then the three of htem on friday. gah. i didn get any. it is rather depressing. hopefully this friday will go better than last. considering also, that i went to gay pride day on sunday, and i got a bunch of condoms so ar amde me give her some... and she is going to giveone to him... lmao. like on friday... hand him one and go "be careful"... but yeah i havent written for a little... not really much to say. i am sad of course... many new poems: http://www.zenhex.com look for "xscarsoflove" if you want to see... anyway. bored. went to ars last night and chuck was there. wrote a note thing to jordan but decided we didn twant his papi reading it. ar calle dhim too and was like " i lov eyou jordan!!!" then looked at me or something and goes, not quite as loud "but sarah loves you more!!!" chuck made me real uncomfortalbe.. so i want ar to get on so i can plan more w/ her... oh crap.. .i dont want to call him... gah...... damn you pay back and paulie

Don't you hate it WHen nobody understands? Nobody pays attention to you? Don't you just hate it... When you're flirted with By your EX and you still like him? And your friend... WHo is going out with his friend, makes fun of you because you flirt, makes fun of you because you care, tries to piss your ex who is also kind of hers... because she's been hurt? Don't you hate it when You want him? Even when you know you shouldnt? When your ex that flirts with you wants to buy your pins, and yet as much as you WANT to you like the pins too much... Are so superficial. Don't you hate it when you give in and sell him one, and wish you'd let him have the other after he begs and begs and flirts and compliments and waves two dollars around in front of you? But you won't... Because you can't let him know you care? But you want to, Because it hurts to be bottled up inside? Don't you hate it when THe chemistry is still obviously there... but you're afraid, because of the stupid things you did before? and you think he's so cute... in the weirdest possible way? When you can't wait to dance with him tomorrow? Don't you hate it when After all that he's done to you you can still care. And he can go from so sweet, to nearly evil? To your friend? And you root for him? you really hope he does something to upset her? that he'd see her and his friend holding hands, and take yours? Don't you hate it when He's got his glass sobe bottle And smacks it on the pole trying to break it, and you wonder if he's planning on hitting her? when you're going up the walking bridge... and all of a sudden you hear him go "IM NOT HITTING SARAH WITH THE BOTTLE" and you want him to hit your friend. a and you want to walk away and cry and hope that he sees you and tries to console you? Don't you hate it when he hits the bottle on the pole and actually breaks it... and pokes you in the back and you don't get mad? When when he pokes your friend you wish he'd stab her? When you lean over and hit him gently on the hand he begins to sob all fake but when you pat him on the shoulder to be nice, he acts like it's poison that he walks off the curb and yells "COME GET ME!" at the oncoming cars and you want to scream at him, "DON'T BE STUPID! DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!" and cry? don't you hate it how your friend goes oh he's flirting with her again isn't it cute how history repeats itself? and the other goes yes... if you tried to alter history you'd ruin the world? that he doesn't say anything in agreement... OR OBJECTION???? that you're nearly wishing at that absence that he'd stab YOU with the broken little sobe bottle? Don't you hate it when once you get closer to your house where you have to leave, is where it gets worse? where everything starts being said and you can tell she's hurting him when you want to yell at her and take him with you and run home and hold him like he used to hold you and tell him that she doesn't matter? that you still love him? don't you hate it when this all happens in a single day and then nobody is around to talk to you about it all night and you drive yourself crazy with all the what ifs? DONT YOU JUST HATE IT??????????

a temporary solution until i either die or until something gets fixed. she lies she hides i have the decency to keep my mouth shut. i'm not gonna fucking agree with you about what you think "jackie" i'm trying to pretend she doesn't exist.

It's coming. For sure.... I meant to tell her alot today. But eh oh well There will be more chances I guess. Too much was going on. What I gave her doesn't compensate. She deserves a few slaps in the face. And more thank yous than I could give. I feel sad tonight. We'r going to go look at christmas lights with the dads in a few. I hope that makes me happy. But I get crammed in the back And I can't stand being next to him. He really does make me want to hurt him or myself. More than he coudl ever possibly know. I need to cheer up. It's christmas. AND AFTER ALL, I GOT THE THING THAT WAS AT THE TOP OF MY LIST!!! I got my aunt and uncle. I have no room to complain. Yet I continue.

I need these 2 days off. Holy fuck do I need them. Muahahaha. I did it again. it's pretty. It doesn't hurt. Mommy doesn't know. We have a christmas tree. It stung really bad. It was wonderful. The blood came out and i could see the skin curve when I pulled

Today was......not good. I woke up, ate breakfast, mom and I gathered cans of food to take for the homeless shelter and left. Gym was hell. I wanted to fall over and cry. I dreaded WSH simply because of whatever ArJay said yesterday... I can't focus on it right now. So she was all avoidying me and shit and we went to the Library and I went in and sat down and ArJay and Amanda like inducted me into their group w/o my asking and then got mad at me for being pissy. And ArJay sits down and tells me to tell her whats wrong. She was practically yelling at me in the middle of the library to tell her what the fuck was wrong and I kept telling her I didn't want to do this now and she wouldn't shut up, yelling at me about how I won't beleive her that nothing goes on with her and jordan anymore that shes not interested at all and I looked at her and said I don't want to do this now because If we did I'd crya nd I didn't want to cry... and she told me I can't keep putting it off and she wouldnt do it over the phone or over IM. So then she grabbedm y wrist to try and drag me into the corner so we could talk and I screamed at her to let me go and I huddled in my chair with my hands over my face and in my hair begging and pleading and crying, asking her to leave me alone, so she then grabbed my chair and started to pull me away from the computer. I held onto the desk and infally realized that if I didn't go with her right now it would just get worse and create this huge scene. So we walked to the back of the library and kind of sat down next to a bookshelf and i just completely let loose. Sobbing to the point where I couldn't finish a complete word without taking another breath... She asked me somethign and I told her I just wanted to go away... and she said "no" and started to cry. I've never seen or heard her cry before. but she had her arm around me and was crying telling me that if i don't show that i want help and tell people what's wrong they can't fix me, telling me that i have so many friends and that everyone loves me... telling me that my mom won't think of me differently if I told/showed her what's wrong... that the fuckedupedness of my life isn't my fault. She asked me if I was cutting again and pulled the wristbands away and told me I shouldn't do it... we sat there for maybe 15 minutes and then some stupid teacher lady came out and offered me a kleenex and to go in her office... and we sat in there for a while.. They get so mad at me when I say I'm sorry. The lady left. ArJay went back to telling me how many people love me as much as they do and that hte pain isn't worth the few that hate me. And I'm sitting there wishing I had the bottle of lortab in my hand, so that i could wash them all down with the rest of my codeine... We sat there crying and me apologizing and saying I know... listening to what she had to say... The thing that ripped my heart out probably teh most was when she said to me " I know this has alot to do with Jordan> I know I didn't tell you about us until we were done becuase it would hurt you... and it did. I NEVER wanted to hurt you." My thought being... it hurt worse to find out that not only did you do things with him, but you lied to me about it when he still hung ove rmy head and I stil cared... But I don't understand why I hate the people who care... The lady came back... I tore up countless tissues into tiny jagged pieces while I had to pretend that this was all about school...that I was just overwhelmed by this time and my classes and missing a week... She seemed really nice about it, telling me to talk to counselors and get well and that going home might be a good idea because I'm so worked up and overwhelmed by it.. that I couldn't possibly get any work done for the day... I kept telling her that I didn't want to go talk... to just leave me alone, but no she insisted and called and hten went down to the counseling center... I said sorry more and got repremanded for it.. and as the lady left the room arjay looked at me and said "see? people just want to help" And it started all over again... I wanted to lie down and cry...die... something. I wanted to give arjay a hug. I just so badly in that moment wanted to be held.. So then the lady took me down and arjay walked to the counseling center with us and then went to lunch. I talked to mrs. shaw a little about classes and grades and things.. I couldn't let all of this shit inside out to some creepy looking basketball coach with frizzy blond hair... no... she set up mom an actual appointment with gonzales tomorrow... I'm panicked about that a little bit...... I walked down to the cafeteria and sat down for a while. arjayw as at the other table with megan and jordan and the sight of her anywhere near him, or the sight of him alone made me nearly go into hysterics again.. so when sara arrived, I offered her my chair and went outside to walk around... I walked through the relos and out behind the building.. bought a pepsi and somethign to eat in the math & english building, went inside, up teh stairs, around the circle so I wouldn't have to walk through bray's congregation, and sat down in the door indent sort of hidden from that half of the hall. I was accosted for pepsi and rammed by the teacher coming out that door, and bray came up to mea nd went "you gonna be okay? don't worry... we'll do something about her."... It hurt. Because ArJay really does want to be my friend. And I really am pushing her away... The rest of the day was okay... progressively better... I sort of get what I missed in Chemistry... have alot to turn in on monday but I got full credit for lab book and packet thing.. the laughing was nice... chemistry always makes me laugh. Arjay offereed a visit to her house today but Jackie woudl be there. I don' tlike jackie and I don't want her knowing my problems. arjay made sounds like a dolphin and tried to make bracelets out of the plastic undercap things... folded me an accordian and wrote "sarah's little toy" on it... her and kolby talked about breaking legs and blood squirting out and the sad 1 minute music... english was ok... better than I expected I guess. Ms. Biggar told me not to worry about some of the things... she understood and it was kind of nice.. Shanice was shocked to find out why I was gone and that I wasn't anywhere near a 4.0 student... I think I might be able to finish this stupid essay thing... arjay captured me when the bell rang and laughed and became an indian all the way to the bus. Once we got on we were fairly quiet. She had me listen to some depeche mode and yelled at jordan for trying to sit next to her.... we didnt talk... I curled up in my seat and listened to my cd player. She tapped me on the shoulder as I got off just to wave goodbye. I want to go to sleep. I still don't want mom to know about any of this... and gonzales cant tell. I'm scared. I write too long... I need to stop. Tony yells at me "WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!?!?!?!" I had a bad day, OKAY?

Girl: hey baby i want to show you.... Boy: ( cutting her off ) ugh i'm so mad Girl: why? whats wrong ? Boy: ugh everything Girl: explain baby Boy: just lost a championship game, parents flipped out on me for no reason, and im catching a cold Girl: well hey there will always be other games, you know ill take care of you when your sick, what your parents flip about ? Boy: they are making me pay them for a car repair Girl: is it alot of money Boy: no it just sucks Boy: but hey i dont feel well im going to go lay down Boy: bye Girl: wait i want to give you some... Boy: cant it wait til tommorow ? Girl: yeah sure Girl: bye Boy: bye 2 hours later a friend of hers asks her to go for a drive ...she goes..... her friend swerved to avoid a truck....hitting a tree instead her friend was killed instantly....shes in critical condition This is the conversation between her sister and her boyfriend Sister: omg ( crying ) Boy: what? whats wrong ? Sister: my sister...your gf was involved in a major car wreck Boy: is she ok ? ????? Sister: shes in critical condition Boy: i'll be there in 10 minutes He shows up to the hospital room ...standing outside the door going over the last conversation in his mind over and over as he heard the machines beep and beep and breathing tubes pump Boy: she wanted to give me something or tell me something Girls mom: yeah this... it was an envelope smelling like she did sealed with a kiss in lipstick he opened it..... it said ..... your everything to me....i love you with everything i am and everything i have...i want to spend the rest of my life with you sealed in it was a ripped movie ticket from the first movie they went to and the first picture they took together he kissed the picture as a tear fell from his face onto the picture it looked as if in the picture she was crying then the machines flatlined....3 minutes later she was pronounced dead If you have any heart...any soul...or want to be happy you will repost this. if you care for someone ...do not let something like this ever happen Post this in the next 200 seconds and you WILL have THE best day of your life THIS SATURDAY. You're number one *love* Will either kiss you, ask you out, or call you or better

Very very few things could have made my weekend better... well from about 5:00 Saturday to Sunday night. Maria is leaving on New Years Eve.. moving far far away to Seattle, and she wanted to ahve one more girls' night. So mom dropped me at the big Walmart downtown and I met up w/ liz. We put my shit in hte car and went in to meet Ria at the checkstand, and she had in her hands, the makings of nachos, cookie dough, a 2 liter of mountain dew, as well as A bottle of boone's farm A 6-pack of bacardi silver strawberry. Sigh. She took us to a hotel for the evening, we ordered a pizza, and we sat in hte hotel room eating, watching tv, drinking and playing cards. Opposite of my mother, I enjoy being drunk. I like that fuzzy sinky feeling. We got so weird. Laughing about how e use to talk in our sleep. Maria... granted she gets to a point of drunkness and then stops, was the most messed up of us and we had alot more than she did. The fucking hot tub never got warm enough to actually enjoy at all. FUCK> SO I had teet hpulled monday. the holes hurt like motherfuckers and the painkillers they gave me are... well lets just say personally aaddicting... sort of the same drunk feeling, but way better, and I sleep. I slept for like 6 hours during the day last night. I almost lost it today at school. Hehee its still not healing. I should stop picking them. There is like nothing soft and nonsweet to eat in this house. There are bacardi's in the fridge but they would not mix well with the painkillers. Sigh. I love you hydrocodone

I cut last night... the little tiny round wound from a pair of clippers... it didnt hurt. it didn't bleed. it was unsatisfying. the scab sucks too. its greenish and infected. itmakes me laugh. ::laughs:: and then... today in math... i poked the skin away, breaking it slowly until it left a lightly pink mark with a safety pin... i can't believe I did that.... so unbefuckinglievably ashamed. but its pretty. and it is red. haha. why does it feel so good and so bad at the same time? they gave her a hotline. nobody thinks i need a hotline. I have a whole book full of hotlines I could and should call... but mom is around and I cant stand to let her find out.

I hate them right now. All of them. My father is an asshole tonight. He doesn't understand. Just becuase he's gay does not mean he understands the inside of his 15 year old daughter's head. He just sort of doesn't get it. I don't walk up to teachers and practically threaten them. I don't DEMAND that somethings be done for my benefit. I don't like to talk to teachers one on one. I want to.... so bad..... I cant findthe good scissors. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck I hate it. Life is a piecce of shit. The aliens amuse me. I want one.

the last few days have been kinda sucky... We saw harry potter on sunday... thats about the best thing thats happened. Eric was sad he couldnt come. But he was very happy when mom gave him the giggly springy santa hat. It makes me laugh. I was sick the rest of the time. Stayed home again and went to the doctor. They gave me more pills. Oh joy more temptation. Still ahvent talked to him. It's been a fucking week. Oh well... all in good time I guess.... Meh. Last nigth was bad I took my pilla nd took a shower and put hte safety pin in my knee again. It bled. I hate the needly thing... but I hate the scars. Soooooo anyway Today we basically got out of school an hour early. So arjay and i walked to taco belll with mary. she has a friend now. yay arjay. Poor liz tho. She thinks brett's lying to her and it makes me sad. I miss aleks too but oh well... if he calls he calls but if he doesnt, i guess... uh... oh well...? I will not keep falling. I will not hurt like last time. No.

lol It's bene a while since i've been on here. Not as long as It feels though I guess. I've been on this month but it doesn't feel like it really. Meh. guess its just been a really long motherfucking 15 days. Generally, the 1 year mark came and then scurried off while i watched the Notebook curled up with my new boyfriend (lolololololol!). SIgh saturday was GGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD Kisses and hugs and handcuffed kinkyness. And he's not ugly. He took his clothes off (all but underwear)... just not all at once. pants came off... then went back on... then shirt came off... He asked for a feel. I thought I shrugged but Oh well.. Gonna go hang with the dads tonight I think... hope. God why must my family hate eachother?!?!?!??!?!

NIN was awesome But now... it's worn off as the memories come baCk to slaughter me. ANd tehy're doing a good job at it too. I want to stab myself and many other people with scissorsa nd watch the blood go everywhere and just tell them all how much they mean or dont mean to me.

haha looks at old entry its not just shit covered it is shit encrusted permanently this year is halloween is coming. hawthorne heights will be at salt air that night. nine inch nails is next week. my chemical romance is too.. well, whats up with y'all? i hate life. i hate so many things and people.

well its all over now. the start to another fantastically shit covered year has come and gone. and i know it will be shit covered. How, you might ask? after i finished talking to her I sat in the shower and cried int he dark. then i watched bridget jones' diary... at 11:41 i lit a candle... at 11:55, i hugged my cat, made some kind of a wish or something and blew the candle out. i then proceeded to cry some more. if you take away the arjay... and all feelings communicated with her and or jordan.... yesterday fucking rocked. i want green day day to come. fuck man. it is the only worthwhile thing i can really see in my future. but...oh well yes... i must wait until september.

goddamn motherfucker. i am sick. fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. i dont want to be fucking sick. too much to do for me to be sick fuck fuck fuck. i think i like that word. i have $50. what should i spend it on...???

MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well I havent' written in this thing for a good little while. oh well. Lots to do in days coming. Oh well... I guess not much going on other than that. Registration soon. school soon. birthday soon. I want cake. It has been almost 3 months since I last cut. that is... good?

hmm well apparently nobody cared that i had bologna. grrrr. YOU MEANIE PPL!!!! WHAAAAAAAA

I close my eyes and i see Red. i see blood and terror and fright and hate i see bloodstained hands being plunged into water. i see red splotches horriffic things on teh backs of my eyes i see DEATH.