Today was......not good. I woke up, ate breakfast, mom and I gathered cans of food to take for the homeless shelter and left. Gym was hell. I wanted to fall over and cry. I dreaded WSH simply because of whatever ArJay said yesterday... I can't focus on it right now. So she was all avoidying me and shit and we went to the Library and I went in and sat down and ArJay and Amanda like inducted me into their group w/o my asking and then got mad at me for being pissy. And ArJay sits down and tells me to tell her whats wrong. She was practically yelling at me in the middle of the library to tell her what the fuck was wrong and I kept telling her I didn't want to do this now and she wouldn't shut up, yelling at me about how I won't beleive her that nothing goes on with her and jordan anymore that shes not interested at all and I looked at her and said I don't want to do this now because If we did I'd crya nd I didn't want to cry... and she told me I can't keep putting it off and she wouldnt do it over the phone or over IM. So then she grabbedm y wrist to try and drag me into the corner so we could talk and I screamed at her to let me go and I huddled in my chair with my hands over my face and in my hair begging and pleading and crying, asking her to leave me alone, so she then grabbed my chair and started to pull me away from the computer. I held onto the desk and infally realized that if I didn't go with her right now it would just get worse and create this huge scene. So we walked to the back of the library and kind of sat down next to a bookshelf and i just completely let loose. Sobbing to the point where I couldn't finish a complete word without taking another breath... She asked me somethign and I told her I just wanted to go away... and she said "no" and started to cry. I've never seen or heard her cry before. but she had her arm around me and was crying telling me that if i don't show that i want help and tell people what's wrong they can't fix me, telling me that i have so many friends and that everyone loves me... telling me that my mom won't think of me differently if I told/showed her what's wrong... that the fuckedupedness of my life isn't my fault. She asked me if I was cutting again and pulled the wristbands away and told me I shouldn't do it... we sat there for maybe 15 minutes and then some stupid teacher lady came out and offered me a kleenex and to go in her office... and we sat in there for a while.. They get so mad at me when I say I'm sorry. The lady left. ArJay went back to telling me how many people love me as much as they do and that hte pain isn't worth the few that hate me. And I'm sitting there wishing I had the bottle of lortab in my hand, so that i could wash them all down with the rest of my codeine... We sat there crying and me apologizing and saying I know... listening to what she had to say... The thing that ripped my heart out probably teh most was when she said to me " I know this has alot to do with Jordan> I know I didn't tell you about us until we were done becuase it would hurt you... and it did. I NEVER wanted to hurt you." My thought being... it hurt worse to find out that not only did you do things with him, but you lied to me about it when he still hung ove rmy head and I stil cared... But I don't understand why I hate the people who care... The lady came back... I tore up countless tissues into tiny jagged pieces while I had to pretend that this was all about school...that I was just overwhelmed by this time and my classes and missing a week... She seemed really nice about it, telling me to talk to counselors and get well and that going home might be a good idea because I'm so worked up and overwhelmed by it.. that I couldn't possibly get any work done for the day... I kept telling her that I didn't want to go talk... to just leave me alone, but no she insisted and called and hten went down to the counseling center... I said sorry more and got repremanded for it.. and as the lady left the room arjay looked at me and said "see? people just want to help" And it started all over again... I wanted to lie down and cry...die... something. I wanted to give arjay a hug. I just so badly in that moment wanted to be held.. So then the lady took me down and arjay walked to the counseling center with us and then went to lunch. I talked to mrs. shaw a little about classes and grades and things.. I couldn't let all of this shit inside out to some creepy looking basketball coach with frizzy blond hair... no... she set up mom an actual appointment with gonzales tomorrow... I'm panicked about that a little bit...... I walked down to the cafeteria and sat down for a while. arjayw as at the other table with megan and jordan and the sight of her anywhere near him, or the sight of him alone made me nearly go into hysterics again.. so when sara arrived, I offered her my chair and went outside to walk around... I walked through the relos and out behind the building.. bought a pepsi and somethign to eat in the math & english building, went inside, up teh stairs, around the circle so I wouldn't have to walk through bray's congregation, and sat down in the door indent sort of hidden from that half of the hall. I was accosted for pepsi and rammed by the teacher coming out that door, and bray came up to mea nd went "you gonna be okay? don't worry... we'll do something about her."... It hurt. Because ArJay really does want to be my friend. And I really am pushing her away... The rest of the day was okay... progressively better... I sort of get what I missed in Chemistry... have alot to turn in on monday but I got full credit for lab book and packet thing.. the laughing was nice... chemistry always makes me laugh. Arjay offereed a visit to her house today but Jackie woudl be there. I don' tlike jackie and I don't want her knowing my problems. arjay made sounds like a dolphin and tried to make bracelets out of the plastic undercap things... folded me an accordian and wrote "sarah's little toy" on it... her and kolby talked about breaking legs and blood squirting out and the sad 1 minute music... english was ok... better than I expected I guess. Ms. Biggar told me not to worry about some of the things... she understood and it was kind of nice.. Shanice was shocked to find out why I was gone and that I wasn't anywhere near a 4.0 student... I think I might be able to finish this stupid essay thing... arjay captured me when the bell rang and laughed and became an indian all the way to the bus. Once we got on we were fairly quiet. She had me listen to some depeche mode and yelled at jordan for trying to sit next to her.... we didnt talk... I curled up in my seat and listened to my cd player. She tapped me on the shoulder as I got off just to wave goodbye. I want to go to sleep. I still don't want mom to know about any of this... and gonzales cant tell. I'm scared. I write too long... I need to stop. Tony yells at me "WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!?!?!?!" I had a bad day, OKAY?