Liz : bout time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chat_bac_gurl_16: pardon me Liz : u read me chat_bac_gurl_16: wha? Liz : never mind chat_bac_gurl_16: im stupid Liz : what can ur brother do on line 2 take so long/ chat_bac_gurl_16: he wasnt onlien chat_bac_gurl_16: my mom was making me play games w/ her. Liz : then what was he doing? chat_bac_gurl_16: playing stupid retarded gay games Liz : what ever chat_bac_gurl_16: i knoe Liz : n e wayz.... chat_bac_gurl_16: :aranoid:: chat_bac_gurl_16: :: paranoid:: Liz : what???!!! chat_bac_gurl_16: i am paranoid Liz : well i know that chat_bac_gurl_16: do you know what paranoid means? Liz : some what chat_bac_gurl_16: k then Liz : hahaha, chat_bac_gurl_16: what Liz : dont know chat_bac_gurl_16: ok Liz : yeah chat_bac_gurl_16: i think i'm going to hate school tomorrow Liz : y? chat_bac_gurl_16: jordan.... arjay... Liz : good luck chat_bac_gurl_16: thx... i think im gonna NEED it Liz : yeah LOTS of it chat_bac_gurl_16: are you trying to be funny Liz : not al all chat_bac_gurl_16: ok Liz : we should have a HUGE party this summer and invite ALL our friends chat_bac_gurl_16: yeah chat_bac_gurl_16: too bad tasha is moving... Liz : that will be a lot of ppl, where would we have it chat_bac_gurl_16: not really chat_bac_gurl_16: maybe on your part Liz : what u mean on my part? i figure it out? chat_bac_gurl_16: no. i mean there won't be many people w/ me Liz : how many? chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont know chat_bac_gurl_16: like... 10 maybe... at the MOST Liz : let me think..... Liz : i'd only have a few more then that, if im talking 2 ppl by then chat_bac_gurl_16: oh chat_bac_gurl_16: i'm just very pessimistic today Liz : ok what is that again chat_bac_gurl_16: thinking about everything in a bad way Liz : i do that alot chat_bac_gurl_16: i hate it. chat_bac_gurl_16: arjay just got on for like, a second. and now she is gone again. chat_bac_gurl_16: like she's pissed at me or something. crap. chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont know. fuck it. nothing is worth anything Liz : brett has done that a lot lately, just out of the blue hes gone ass chat_bac_gurl_16: oh chat_bac_gurl_16: sorry Liz : yeah right now pretty much all i talk 2 r ash, bree, charles, and once and a while Cami chat_bac_gurl_16: oh chat_bac_gurl_16: i talk to arjay and jordan somewhat, and tash and sara Liz : dont do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chat_bac_gurl_16: and some random ppl i dont really consider FRIENDS chat_bac_gurl_16: don't do what Liz : just say oh after every thing i say chat_bac_gurl_16: sorry chat_bac_gurl_16: its what i do Liz : brett dows it 2 it bugs the HELL out of me chat_bac_gurl_16: i'm sorry Liz : thats ok u didnt know Liz : so back 2 our party chat_bac_gurl_16: lets have the party and drug everyone. then well all die. chat_bac_gurl_16: HEEEHEHEEEE Liz : where? when? what? that stuff chat_bac_gurl_16: oh chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont care chat_bac_gurl_16: i will probably forget Liz : yeah or just not get around 2 it chat_bac_gurl_16: yep chat_bac_gurl_16: thats me Liz : me 2 chat_bac_gurl_16: god Liz : what now? chat_bac_gurl_16: just... Liz : just.....? chat_bac_gurl_16: eh. why do i waste my time on such dangerous feats of emotion? Liz : like? Liz : i do 2 chat_bac_gurl_16: jordan. chat_bac_gurl_16: jordan and arjay chat_bac_gurl_16: jordan andme Liz : the same reason i did (do) with eric chat_bac_gurl_16: n/o but you were never WITH eric.. Liz : yeah so i never got 2 at least know what it felt like, u did BUZZ!!! chat_bac_gurl_16: you didnt break up wiht him then watch him fawn all over your friend and be constantly reminded of how much you felt for him, and have one of your better friends move in on him and lie to you and do stuff with him and hide things from you and know you still care, and not even really seem to care, but be all enthusiastic about you getting back with him, and if she really loved him you wonder why she doesn't care anymore... and why he still matters to you. and it doesnt make you angry that she sends him.. stuff... and implies to you that she still feels forhim. it is so frustrating... and such a waste... i pretend to be optimistic, but i know it is worthless. Liz : but u still got a chance, i never did, and most likely never will chat_bac_gurl_16: i know, but you have someone with you right now making you happy in some way. i sit here confused and paranoid about them doing things again, and wondering what was behind stuff on friday... and doing thigns you shouldnt be doing but do because you can't stand the secrets... chat_bac_gurl_16: and i dont know how he feels... he claims he doesnt at all....... Liz : but u can get out of the house and keep ur mind busy, i cant all i do is sit in my room and cry chat_bac_gurl_16: ah, but crying is not the only thing i sit in my room doing.... chat_bac_gurl_16: i have nothing to keep it busy.. nothing to keep it away from him... no matter what i do something will always take me back to him. i can't walk out of the trailer park without remembering.... Liz : i know. but just imagine, dont get mad @ me, but when u had a bf and i didnt, imagine how i felt tah u could get a bf and i couldnt chat_bac_gurl_16: i can't look at speed bumps without remembering how he REALLY kissed me for the last time... i can't look at someone with curly hair without remembering how soft his was... i can't close my eyes without seeing him. i can't sleep without having a nightmare of him and arjay....... Liz : yeah but when u were going out, u 2 got to hang out outside of skool, we dont chat_bac_gurl_16: i know.im not mad... but also think... just minutes after jordan broke up with me, i get a text message from you, all happy and excited saying "ASHTON ASKED ME OUT!!!" it broke my heart all over agian. i was REALLY happy for you...but deep down i was screaming too. chat_bac_gurl_16: we didnt get to hang at school though. it was so weird.... Liz : yes u did, and see, u had a bf b 4 him , i never had chat_bac_gurl_16: if youwant to call kaleb a boy... friend... chat_bac_gurl_16: no offense... you've never had your heart broken... i really hope you never do. Liz : he was!!! but u dont know what i felt lke when u had a bf and i didnt. chat_bac_gurl_16: and you dont know how i feel now....... Liz : yes i did, and right now if i went for ash, i wouldnt be here of b in the hospital, but its getting to the point where he dont ever, help Liz : u also have ppl 2 talk 2 bout it, i dont chat_bac_gurl_16: ok... it just hurts me not to know anything. he acts so nice to me... he flirts... but he flirts with arjay too...and she claims he kissed her on friday... and that she didnt want it... but idont kow i fi believe her... and if i shouldnt be.... she is evil... because she knows how i feel about him. and if she doesnt want me to have him, or if she still does... she should tell me. and it hurts me really really bad to feel like nobody cares.... chat_bac_gurl_16: you do know you can ALWAYS talk to me chat_bac_gurl_16: call me in hte middle of the night. i will keep my phone on. Liz : acually, i cant. i really dont tell u what i feel complitly, cant call u chat_bac_gurl_16: but just so you know, you CAN TALK to me. you can tell me waht you want. and i swear i will keep it confidential. its not like 'm going to tell your mom or mine Liz : i know, but ive bad experiances with that, so i never tell n e one n e thing chat_bac_gurl_16: on chat_bac_gurl_16: oh*' Liz : like now w/ caitlin she promised that she wouldnt tell n e 1 bout me being jelous of steven, and she told every 1, but i still never told n e of her secrets chat_bac_gurl_16: oh... i'm sorry.... Liz : i wish i could tell my mom how i feel so she wouldnt get mad @ me 4 being upset lately, but she will just say ijm over reacting chat_bac_gurl_16: i know... i hardly tell my mom anything anymore chat_bac_gurl_16: i'm afraid taht if i start, i wont stop, and i might let serious stuff go that should be held onto Liz : i NEVER talk 2 my mom n e more. but i wish i could so she knows y i am acting the way i am. i feel that same way chat_bac_gurl_16: i know. we are so fucked up Liz : we're not just our lives and moms chat_bac_gurl_16: i wish i coudl be happy. i wish i had jordan again. he was the first SINGULAR person since gram died that could make me happy... that could/can make me smile just by smiling at ME chat_bac_gurl_16: well.. we are part of our lives Liz : well thats when my life went 2 hell, was when she died, mostly cuz thats when my mom became this big of a bitch chat_bac_gurl_16: sure, i was happy for a while, but it was a group effort... then jordan was there and he made everything right. he made me really FEEL like myself again. he was my support, but i guess i leaned a little too hard, and he let me fall. and it hurts worse to fall and bounce back just a little and then fall again even harder... he was holding every bad thing in my life in some dark little corner, and when he was gone, everything came back and it was too much for me to take... chat_bac_gurl_16: things are changing so much, and i can't deal with it very well.... teh little shards of all the bad things keep shooting out of random places and embedding themselves into me, each day further ad further Liz : and it might help if she let me live let me live my own life. i know she is scared of something happening to me, but i have to live my own life, and need her trust and support chat_bac_gurl_16: yeah chat_bac_gurl_16: i guess they are both afraid of losing their little girls. i can understand where that comes from, but it is impossible to hold onto us forever and keep us as you want Liz : just the problems just dont go away, but just pile up and up. chat_bac_gurl_16: yeah. i know... and for a while it makes a stable pile, but then someone yanks out a bottom piece and it all comes crashing down, and you have to rebuild it all, piece by piece Liz : yeah they dont what us to make bad dicitions, but later on in life all this will come out and it will become a bigger problem then they would be now chat_bac_gurl_16: and in some small way, it will be all their fault Liz : yeah, ill be suprise if i live to 30 chat_bac_gurl_16: me too Liz : im going to do everything i can to move out when im 18 and no later chat_bac_gurl_16: i'm afraid of death and all, partially because nothing has been built onto my kowledge of religioin or anything.... sometimes it seems too much to bear, and if i was certain, or wasnt so UNcertain, there are times.... i hold those scissors ready... Liz : ive done that with a raor blade, just push in to my fingers til that pain is all i can think about chat_bac_gurl_16: yeah... Liz : no body knows about that. i never told n e 1 but u til now chat_bac_gurl_16: for me... the pain draws my mind away from everything else... the blood calms me... i just stare until the sharp reality breaks into me and i freak out. i dont want my mom to know i still do it. chat_bac_gurl_16: and it will stay between us Liz : yes it will chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont think i can talk to anyone really about it.... chat_bac_gurl_16: like her or a shrink... about why i feel i need to Liz : well the biggest problem is i have my own problems, but then i try to slove others, not mine chat_bac_gurl_16: so many people do it i've learned. it seems like at one point you just have to. it suddenly becomes the only release you have chat_bac_gurl_16: i am trying to be like jordan and "Not feel" but its notas easy as he makes it seem... chat_bac_gurl_16: i mean, my UNCLE SHANE did it Liz : i might end up telling ash, but he'll filp, that is y he dont know yet chat_bac_gurl_16: i made the mistake of doing it, then TELLING jordan... chat_bac_gurl_16: blaming it on arjay apparently.... Liz : ash would call me everyday, just to keep me occupied Liz : i do it with safty pins to, really safe, huh? chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont remember. that week was such a blur to me.... some parts stick out so much to me.... other parts have faded away... i dont remember doing it the first time, buti remember crying myself back to sleep. chat_bac_gurl_16: yeah. chat_bac_gurl_16: nail clippers... pins.... Liz : i dont know im doing it til after, and i try 2 figure out y my fingers hutt. that is how i know chat_bac_gurl_16: i remember looking at jordans eyes on that friday, seeing the fear in his eyes, knowing i had made the biggest mistake of my life. i remember trying all day long...to hold back my tears... knowing exactly what was going to happen, knowing i couldnt turn back time to fix it. Liz : ash is the only 1 that i cry to chat_bac_gurl_16: but i dont remember blaming it on arjay. i dont remember how i made it through those three hours between when he ended it and when my mom got home. i remember crying. i remember how sore i was.... i remember staring at the clippers... but holdin gmyself back, knowing if i did it then, i would regret it. chat_bac_gurl_16: i cry to nobody chat_bac_gurl_16: i cry to myself. chat_bac_gurl_16: i cry myself to sleep so often. chat_bac_gurl_16: and nobody except you knows it chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont tell arjay anymore because i know she does it too, and i know she doesnt really care Liz : alot of music makes me think bout it to, i cry my self to sleep EVERY night chat_bac_gurl_16: tasha even shrugs alot of it off anymore chat_bac_gurl_16: music is my escape... chat_bac_gurl_16: words become it too sometimes... Liz : got to go, bed time, time to vry myself to sleep chat_bac_gurl_16: but then i fall back into reality chat_bac_gurl_16: and cry chat_bac_gurl_16: good night chat_bac_gurl_16: tears of love to you chat_bac_gurl_16: libby, i love you so much Liz : u 2? chat_bac_gurl_16: im crying as i type chat_bac_gurl_16: trembling... Liz : u are the only one i can talk to, and trust, but i dont even tell u EVERYTHING chat_bac_gurl_16: i know... thakn you Liz : CANT CUZ MY MO WILL C AND WILL BUG ME BOUT IT chat_bac_gurl_16: my mom will too, but i cry so often it hardly phases her anymore chat_bac_gurl_16: and i am getting good at stopping Liz : i dont, my mom will bug me bout it til i tell her, then get mad at me, cuz " thats a stupid reason" chat_bac_gurl_16: she yells at me sometimes if i cry chat_bac_gurl_16: it makes it worse chat_bac_gurl_16: i cry.. then i rememberj ordan telling me not to with tears in his voice and it makes me cry harder chat_bac_gurl_16: i make up things for him to say in my head. i listen to my own soundtrack Liz : ash does that 2 Liz : well got 2 go, til next time chat_bac_gurl_16: ok chat_bac_gurl_16: love you, ttyl chat_bac_gurl_16: thank you for talking to me. Liz : love u too!!!!! chat_bac_gurl_16: Liz : thanku 4 letting me chat_bac_gurl_16: no problem. Liz : u 2. bye chat_bac_gurl_16: bye