Things feel worse right now than they did last year... I hate it. I have a headache. She looked at my eyes today... she says there was no color in them... that they were the darkest gray she'd ever seen... I looked at them a couple minutes ago... they are nearly black... they are fucking dark.... and when i got up close i could see little tiny shafts of pale pale bluish gray... I hurts.....she threw it at my head. She put acid on my eyeshadow.... "Kloby" was nice enough to warn me about that... Mom is angry. We offered her a place to fucking stay if her father beat her. AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID??? Chambray said they're threatening to jump me. I want to die..... I will either way. whether I do it or not. It's scarier thinking that someday I'll be lying in a bed and I will just vanish.... It's scarier than having control of it... I'm going to take a pill... drink one of those things tomorrow if they're still any good...... There is nothign without pain. I feel daggers in my side with every step i take.... every thought is like a knife... All I ever wanted was love...... the little online dating heart on my searchbar looks like its bleeding. what a coincidence.

So... Christmas is in 2 days. These last several years it hasn't felt anything like Christmas until Christmas is actually here. This year, I've gotten some fairly minor glimpses of it, like when the tree went up, when we were fighting with the sprinkles, but it still hasn't felt like christmas as a whole. THere is not even any snow on the ground outside right now. It's supposed to get to 51 degrees today. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It's really hard to believe for me. I am supposed to go to the grandma's house today when tonyo gets off school... mum let me play hookey today Which is nice. Official miss of a blue day for no goddamned reason at all.. It's not even "Christ"mas anymore.. It's just mas to me. I don't believe... I truly don't. And it makes my mother sad and after yesterday in Sara's seminary class... oh my god. I just want Christmas to come so those smiles can be here. I will try my best to hide the disappointment.

I don't know why I ever hoped.... There is nothing to keep me here anymore. I am just... angry I guess. THe words mean nothing. Nothing does anymore. Drunk on shadows and lost in a lie....

My cat is a fucking whore. She puts out to her 2 month old neices. Ew. Incest. She also puts out to her LITTLE brother. fuck! This band is cool. Everyone, go buy the fucking EP.

I went to too many places now. I feel... so oddly empty in a way. I can't really explain it.. with words... I just... It's so odd to miss things that made your life hell... But still want them back. OH! Wait, I do that alot, don't I???

Someday, everyone will be sorry... I hate these feelings in my head and in my heart, but I can't make them go away. It feels hopeless to me... I can't explain them either. I don't make sense anymore... not even to myself.

you know what is really awkward? having two cats... one male and one female (female aged 11 months male aged roughly 4 months) both from the same mother... likley the same father... licking eachother and giving baths just by my keyboard... when the female is constantly in heat. i mean they are brother and sister. and now. they are both curled up sleeping nose to nose. right now its almost cute... but it seems to me like kitty foreplay. eek! and neither of them are fixed either. so its not necesarily awkward. it is just... wierd and slightly amusing. hooray for kitty hornyness!!!!!!!!! haha nine inch nails wakes them up. they look all scraggly now. woo hoo

bang your face on the handlebars make your teeth falL out then come to me and i'll kiss it better i'll lick your blood comfort you--consume you come to me. i'll MAKE you hurt. well today it is hazy outside and its bringing me down. my shoes are still wet from falling in the creek. evenif it was great. i want to go back to that place and jump on those rocks and run across the trees. but i want different people with me. i want someone to hold me over the water and threaten to drop me in. someone that would drop me just for the sheer pleasure of seeing me all wet. sad and stupid i know, but i can't help but fantasize. goddamnit. i think i need to not spend time wiht arjay. im ruined again. but just the same. i want to go back. maybe i'll see if i can't arrange something birthdayish to go on there. i decided to that the next time i see jordan if a)its not school and b)moms not around, i'll kiss him. just to get it out of my system i almost feel like going for a walk or going to the pool. i need to get away from these fuckers that are here too. ugh. i hate my brother and his friends. he always seems to gravitate towards the kinds of people i just CANNOT stand. well i am drownign myself in music and chocolate, so i feel a bit better. but not by much. i still need real food, which we severely lack here. oh well. mom said we needed to go grocery shopping. are we low on milk yet...?

HAHA! i can do hearts now! ♥ okay... i just played bookworm for like two hours. i think this is a little wierd. and i didnt even know it was going to take jordan. i just think it is weird.... GAME OVER Longest Word: PRUDES Best Word: JORDAN (1840 pts.) Rank: Grand Archivist

i love this song.... shine on diamond eyes. it makes me think of... well... yeah. i dont understand stuff at the moment. well... less than every other moment. i feel so out of place in my life. it is weird. i know everyone feels like this sometimes, but i seldom feel so unlike myself that i feel like i'm the wrong person. they changed me. for better... for worse... i dont know. i guess for the worse. i hate changing. seldom is change good for ME... dad leaving, middle school, moving, jordan. he changed me probably more than anyone else. he opened me. he let everything come out. the good AND the bad. sometimes i want to be how i was before him. me... a different me. a me that i knew. so many things that i've stopped doing and saying since i moved here. people are different, and i guess nobody can expect to be exposed to different people and not change in some way. i wish i could close myself up again, but i can't. everything just keeps pouring out, like an overflowing box or leaky faucet. it drives me crazy sometimes to the point where i get dizzy and feel like i am floating above myself watching this fat girl beneath me pour her heart out and cry blood. at least that's how it feels... i am on a total self pity parade today, but i don't particularly care. i just... i wish i could have not changed for anyone. i didnt change FOR jordan. i changed after. i remember... in all of his notes where he said he felt... oh my god... nothing... i begged and pleaded with him not to hurt HIMSELF, and then i'm the one that did. i think it is sort of amusing,but sad at teh same time. i am so ashamed of all of that. i want to redo november and see how things would be. know how everything would have gone. do anything in my power to change it. maybe even redo october. there wasn't really anything bad then, but if i had stopped it, or stopped myself, who knows how i could be today? i wouldnt want to cover my left wrist. i might even still be with him, crazy as it sounds to me. i think i should stop now.

i want to kill the fucking cats. i really do. sometimes i'm amazed my mom doesnt ask me if i've been cutting again wiht all the little scars and scratches tehy leave on me. i was thinking this morning... how coming from my own mouth my own name sounds foreign to me. sarah. even typed it seems weird. liek that's not what my name really is or should be. i dont know. i feel really confused today. ive been up since 5, so that might have somethign to do with it. maybe i'll put in my 7 pages in my real journal today. i dont know. dont feel like getting it now... i'm too lazy to do much today. just sit here and lose wieght in my fingers. i really have though. i want to know why it matters to arjay when jordan gets back. oh well. i can't dwell on shit like that. well, i can. i SHOULD not. it just gets on my nerves. like something gets on them in the first place and that's why i get annoyed, but then i get annoyed at myself for being annoyed at the other thing. it really sucks. if i werent so tired i might go swimming. except that if/when i do i'll get back and have to take a shower and everything, and dad is coming tonight so i dont want to have wet scraggly hair if we go somewhere. oh my god i just sounded so typical. i hate being/sounding superficial. it sucks bad you know? i guess it doesnt matter though anyway since i always look minorly crappy in some way... anyway to avoid further retardedness... i thinki'm going to stop. i have severe poetry writers block. the only thing i can write are self pitying journal entries. even if they might sound interesting. they suck. oh well.

if i could drop dead at this moment, i really think i would.

well yesterday was mostly a bore. mom spent most of the day at the dentists office... ugh. i dont know why they didnt just pull the fucking tooth. well she came home and got her stuff. the lidacane wore of so she took a nap. i sat in my room writing and showing tony what cds i've got. he always seems to think i've got like, 10. went to dinner with the hutchings at chubbys. joan is entertaining. even if she used to be a bitch... she got all excited when i told her billy idol was at warped tour. i said it to my mom and she just goes "i'm interested now" and joan freaking screams in the middle of the restaurant "I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES!!!"... yeah. then we went back to their house for cake. we were there like 3 hours. arjay texted me for a while. good chance of jordan coming on monday. better chance if i hide the orange soda from tony. jordan loves orange soda... and the stuf we have is pretty icky to me but hemight like it. according to paul, he eats now too. yay! he would not be cute if he got skinny in my opinion. in everyone elses opinion, he'snot cute end of story.. but something about him... sat in liz's room withher and talked while the boys terrorized tims room and the old people talked and finished the cake. her guy friends are hot. i hate her. she got her pictures from gay pride developed. it depresses me knowing that all those hot guys in speedos are gay. its cool... but sad. she annoys me a little... ugh my cat swaggers like john wayne. it is... interesting. the cats in general are... interesting. and with our luck. were' going to have six more around before something gets done. goddamnit. im sick of boring days and doing nothing. perhaps i'll go swimming later. i need some food. well i dont NEED. i WANT. i want it to be monday. i even have ju-on now.

i got hawthorne heights. the screams of the blonde man are so calming. definitely a good investment. hm... i always seem to review my cds when i get them. i find it humorous. but it is really good. mildly morbid at parts which is always good to me.. but. yesterday wasnt very eventful. ttalke to natasha on IM for a while. got off... made mom a tape for her birthday... around 5 i got back on and talked to arjay. she was going to spend the night but her mom wouldnt let her. went to kmart with dad to get mom more stuff. got hawthorne heights. the dvd thing. i want to hear more by them. i love them. I KNOW I'M OUTSIDE OF YOUR WINDOW... WITH MY RADIO!!!!!!!!!!! SIT BACK AND WATCH HER DIE SLOWLY, DON'T CRY, SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU ANYWAY SO CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES I NEED YOU MORE LIKE YESTERDAY... THE LAST DAY I COULD SEE YOU SMILE AS DAYS GO BY, THE MEMORIES REMAIN, I WONT LET GO BLEED THESE COLORS OPEN WIDE, BURNING BLUES FROM BUTTERFLIES I'VE GOT A SINGLE SILVER BULLET, I SHOT RIGHT THROUGHMY HEART TO PROVE I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU SCENE MISSING, FADE TO BLACK. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY I KNOW THAT I AM DROWNING IN THE BLOOD FROM A PITCH BLACK HEART AS THESE WORDS PLAY OUT THEY'LL TRY TO DRAG YOU DOWN ERASE HER EMBRACE, ERASE IT FROM YOUR MIND, LET THIS DIE. ok maybe i'm a little obsessed. i love jt and the screaming man

ok. it is really really weird... after the entry i wrote yesterday, he got back online for a little bit and talked to me, and was REALLY nice and stuff. so.. even tho he told arjay said he told her that he doesn't like me because i make him nervous when she is around, i'm not so sure that he COMPLETELY doesn't like me. because okay. he got back on, then left again, then arjay comes back telling me he's blocked her, then she left then zeros got back on but i think it was his dad. but i said something and he goes "Jordan is at the school bye bye" so then mom made me get off so i could eat something before WE went to the school for the carnival. for a few minutes i saw nothing of him, but then i saw mitch, and spotted jordan and paul walking up to go buy tickets. it was funny... he cornered the market on purple japanese samurai swords. HE GOT FOUR!!! then mom won an inflatable hammer(lmao because of the hammer he got at lagoon on tuesday) and gave it to him. and then she said to him "i hope youre planning to go change your clothes before you go to promotion" then he half-smiled and said "um...i'm not going" then mom was 'smad' at him for not going. but it was fun. i took him his rubber ducky and he was happy. paul was sad that i gave it to jordan and not him. jordan asked first, and well... i DO like jordan. we sort of hung "around" eachother for a while. like, i kept finding him/vice versa. omg he makes me laugh... so then we had ot leave(cry) and i came home and got ready for promotion. my bootyful teal blue shirt/skirt... it is retarded, but i thought i looked okay. the actual promotion ceremony was sort of short. people were crying. i thought it was a little lame, no offense to anyone. i didnt really have anyone to cry over. arjay, nes and me went to the dance for a little while, all the while calling jordan every few minutes trying to get him and paul to come. oh daddy gave me a card good for $50. yay. MUSIC!! so then we went outside by the cafeteria and called paul and were trying to get paul to come. then i called mom to come get us. nes used the phone to call her mommy but didnt come w/ us. we got to pauls house, but he was "in the bath" so he didnt come. then we went and got jordan. arjay and i were knocking on the gate and windows trying to get it open, then kelly(his dad) came out and jumped on the gate ad yelled roar at us then made jordan come out. i was a little surprised that it didnt take much at all to make him come. he was like- who's our driver and arjay said "sarahs mom" and he sort of laughed "she wanted to hurt me." i chuckled and said to him "wanted. you're fine" so jordan came w/ us. sat in the back seat with me we got to the school as the dance was almost over, so we wandered around the feild for a little bit and arjay made jordan give her a piggy back ride. then arjay goes "jordan can i have a picture of you and sarah kissing?" "come on, kiss her... possibly one... last... time" "if you do it you'll get monetary compensation" but with everything she said, he neverdid unfortunately but as arjaywas following him she goes to me "i'm trying to help you" then we went outside and they were saying goodbye to everyone and arjay cried over one person-ty-and as jordan was wandering sort of away from us, she asked me are you mad? no not really. sad mad? i guess. i do want him to... but he wont oh if he only knew then she gave him a hug, and instructed him to do the same to me and as we're leaning in she goes 'do it now sarah' and i of course did it because i am gutless in a way. i could have held him so tight. but his hug was looser and, well... i dunno... i wanted more. arjay asked him why he was walking around talking ot everyone and he said "i want to cry" and then arjay was talking to me again and she goes i wonder why he wants to cry(mythought- it is sweet and sexy when guys cry)and i said maybe he's got something to prove and then another time when he was far a way from us a rather strange thought occured to me and i told her"last week when i told him i like him... i said 'i know you say you can't feel so it's pointless, but i do'" and arjay goes "i dont know. and even though he DIDNT kiss you, every time i told him to he blushed" and i think i beleive her. so we all said the goodbyes we wanted to and went back to mom's car. jordan in back w/ me again, even though arjay wanted to put him in the front with my mom. when we were close to bangerter, he sighed and said "all that attempt and i get one single solitary tear" and he was half turned to me, and i could actually SEE his tear, and then he wiped it away and smiled. i would have loved to have been the one to wipe his tear. oh, i had to lean over him when we got there to show him how to open the evil door. arjay called her mom telling her she was coming home, and MY mom goes "well actually, how do you feel about hanging out at my house for a little while?" but arjays mom/dad wouldnt let her. i didnt even really think to ask jordan if he wanted to come over or just go home. so we dropped arjay off, then went back to drop jordan. at one point before arjay was gone he said " idont hink tasha should ever come in my house again becasue of what happened today i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad about that really" adn we were all sort of quiet because we knew exactly waht had happened. mom too. and i told jordan earlier before the carnival. Okay- and this was add-in on my REAL journal- but i don't want to really think much more when i have basically what i want to say already planned... I have smiled so much today. Despite that jordan told arjay he doesnt like me because i make him nervous, i don't konw if he meant it. because he was really ncie at hte carnival and pretty nice the other two times. i mean, sure , he didnt kiss me, but arjay said he blushed EVERY time she told him to... iwanted a better hug. i really was half tempted to kiss him myself. our hands were next to eathcohters in the back seat. last time that happened was when we went to see the grudge.... i so badly wanted him to take mine, do something... this might sound sick, but its not supposed to... i felt this comforting warmth from him.. and the way he smells... i was overjoyed that she dropped arjay off first. i think she did it on purpose though. i mean, something about jordan comforts/calms me. mainly when arjay isnt around... it would have been awesome if they could've come over for a while... sit in my room or outside and chat. better for me if it were JUST jordan... but... i cannot wait until i talk to him/see him on aim in a awy. it is so sad to me in a joyful way. i really can't clearly remembered two consecutive days where i have smiled/laughed more than today and yesterday. it has been really good. it only makes me want thim/want to talk to him more... i wanted SO BAD to kiss him, but i'm not that bold. mom was sort of disappointed that arjay's dad said no to her. He feels... I know he does now because of trying to say goodbye and "draw tears". i know i felt something when i saw that one tear. his eyes glazed and somewhat looking at me...sarah, you know? you could make a guy cry at night...when i saw him wipe it away... and he smiled at me and made jokes. so maybe it's weird when we're BOTH with him.. but i want to know... what about when it is just me and him or me, him, and other people? he does treat me differently when she is around... but... he is so sweet t me otherwise. yesterday at lagoon, usually in dance class. one smile makes me feel better, today at the carnival, sort of at the dance, and in the car. there are so many things i want to say to him, but waht comes right to my mind of waht i ant to say to him is "you make me laugh. more than probably anything else, that is one of the biggest reasons i like you. No singular person has ever made me smile so much, and smile when i was down... Even when i sohould have hated you, there was something there that made me not. with EVERYTHING in the past few years of my life, you, just by yourself, made me forget about them with a smile, a hug, a... a kiss. you made me feel right.. you MAKE me feel right still sometimes. you make me smile enough that it hurts to NOT smile. I know I really messed up before, in the past... but all i ask of you is to THINK about it... about me... about......us? Understand what you've meant to me." yeah... and for the first time tonight, it didnt take a goodbye, i cried. i wonder if he'll ever be here to wipe them for ME... for the first time tonight... i cry... for you... i wish so bad for another chance. i want to talk to him. i want to see if i make him laugh. ask him waht exactly he was doing when he got out of my mom's car and stopped in front of it and made a wide-eyed face until she turned the headlights on, then smiled and ran off into his house. so many questions for him... yeah. so i think i've written more than enough today... but, well i just wanted to share it.

I've got paperized written stuff to put in here... Monday, May 16–Advisory Goddammit I wish she’d make up her mind. Wonder what’s changed since yesterday at six... wow. God I don’t understand why it makes me so mad... she got this OMFG look on her face and goes “I’m your friend. I’m going to help you pass out papers” but she was too busy doing whatever it was that she was doing with Jordan in his advisory to notice that I was done and leaving. Well I wasn’t about to waste my time because she is fickle/flaky, so I left. And I only slightly care if I hurt her feelings. I know... she doesn’t “need” anything else to deal with... but... you know..? Neither do I. So if hse even cares she’ll call me on it or write me a note. But if she doesn’t...big fricken wha. I will just get to be treated like shit by TWO people. But whatever. It’s no t like I matter... right? She wouldn’t have gotten points for it anyway. There is much logic behind me... in a weird illogical way. And the paper is berly fucked up anyway. It wasn’t supposed to say “everyone including my ex saw me fall” but it does. And the pool page got rearranged. I don’t like this. I’ve got a really bad teary twitch in my eye... god. Yay! Now even w/o ArJay’s help Jordan will hate me. Whose fault is that now? Partially mine... partially ArJay’s, partially Johnston’s... and of course Jordan...even though nothing is EVER his fault. It’s just totally fucking impossible. And I didn’t even put the”denied love” cheez tart question in. But of course he will think I did... and Jordan’s not going to pegasette. I’d bet money. He’s going to go home and get online and talk to ArJay. He probably responded to her emails.... and was very nice about it... probably tried to pull a “how could I possibly not care? I still love YOU” shit trick. Because that is what he does. Then by Wednesday... probably... something will get fucked up AGAIN and I’ll have to listen to them AGAIN... listen to her complain about how much she hates him and he disgusts her AGAIN. But for today and tomorrow it will be all “oh I’m not sure” but shit... that was a mistake walking out of his advisory like that... and ignoring her lik I did... on the Jordan side of it. But you know? I ‘m getting really VERY sick of forcing myself into this crap. As shown by the two lovely new red infected things on my arm... but then again like I said, it’s not like ME of all people matter- right Jordan? ArJay? MOM? Okay.. I’m not going to drag her into my shitty morning. The only thing she’s done is merely acknowledge my self-destructiveness. But yep... that’s IT. So I’ll probably bee spending my afternoon with Daniel and Nes... doing mindless worthless shit. Oh joy. BIG FUCKING JOY!!!. While Jordan and ArJay sneak off to the park and... whatever... I NEED to stop now. Stop everything. Every feeling, emotion, every ounce of I give a shit. Every part of me that feels or thinks or wants to cry needs to be cut out of me. Badly. _______________________Journalism okay... or not. I was minorly ridiculed by jordan in dance for “publicizing” him in the cheeze tart and EM. But ha-ha. He yelled at me and os I pulled out my newspaper and looked at it then started to laugh hysterically. And told Kayla and Amber about it. So now they have more of a reason to laugh their asses off when they get to the “stinky” end. I don’t think it smells bad though. Just them. Also, I had to explain to jordan that everything written there was written shortly after spring break, when I was very very angry at him, so yeah. Haha arjay lied to him about pegasette being over so he said he was planning on coming even though arjay can’t. :). At least I thin he is he said he was planning to- and I don’t know the end of what she wrote to hi. But hopefully he will still come. Very hopefully for me. Still so much to do for it. Perhaps I will get lucky and something can be like last year... and yeah... when I was the first to sign his year book... because he bugged me about it and shook a pen in my face when I passed them out. And everything... ArJay says she’s still nuts for paul. And like she said it would be pretyt hard to maintain a relationship with her current home situation.. But if it weren’t for the fact that my mom’d freak out on me, I’d offer to let her borrow my cell so she can call him and talk to him like she wants. And... I personally think that it would be cool if she got w/ paul again... and then me and Jordan...during the summer? How fun could/would that be? Going to movies... swimming, just walking... or wahtever. Oops got carried away there. But still... I wonder if and when Monroe’s carnival is. Hum. Ours is may 27. Definitely looking forward to it. Wonder if I will be able to pass out to his class again. Hee hee. Well I dunno about it, but I just need to jot down that my day doesn’t totally suck ass like I thought it would... Arjay and I walked past Kinikini’s room twice and arjay whispered in the door “I love you paul” and waved at him. The second time he waved back. Go arjay. She wrote jordan a note on my journal paper.. Haha. I should just happen to let him see it randomly sometimes... I am so evilly spiteful. Muahaha. ___________________Pegasette they make me feel like a fucking IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ii sod id NOT need to hear Nils talk about the tree. I’d love to know if his grandma really is sick or wahtever. One good thing in a way I guess... she’s grounded... so she must go straight home. But who knows about it anymore? I do sort of wonder if the fact that he’s not here isn’t partially her fault and all or her doing or w/e. things even if they are denied are... undeniable... sometimes... grr. I feel like such a retard for getting my hopes up. Oh well. Will probably leave early. ************************************************************* SquirrelWraithe: no choredan? wallakwalla: nope SquirrelWraithe: haha wallakwalla: why? SquirrelWraithe: i thi nk he blocked me anyways wallakwalla: oh... whY? SquirrelWraithe: i said that when i can drive, i would hit him. then he said "when i drive" ad i cut him off and said "you wont have a car" then he said "sometimes i would rather walk in traffic and posibly get hit by a car then deal with you" and i said "sometimes i would rather have a bullet in my head than look at you" SquirrelWraithe: on the buis today wallakwalla: lovely wallakwalla: vewwy nice. lol SquirrelWraithe: you should call him wallakwalla: and say...? SquirrelWraithe: "u should sign on. arjay is on for a couple minutes and she wants to tell you something but cannot use the phone" wallakwalla: ok... wallakwalla: what do you want to tell him SquirrelWraithe: stuff wallakwalla: ok........ SquirrelWraithe: i will give you the convo maybewallakwalla: i dont want to call him SquirrelWraithe: fine then wallakwalla: i just dont. sorry. SquirrelWraithe: i want to talk about you to him wallakwalla: i hate calling his house. wallakwalla: um... ok... good things or bad things SquirrelWraithe: good SquirrelWraithe: remember you want hinm wallakwalla: yeah i know SquirrelWraithe: exactly and if i do it at school he will be defensiv SquirrelWraithe: e wallakwalla: why would he be at school? SquirrelWraithe: IF I TALK TO HJIM AT SCHOOL HE WILL BE DEFENSIVE wallakwalla: ok... i dont understand why he would be but ok SquirrelWraithe: w/e SquirrelWraithe: i need to talk to him and i cannot use the phone wallakwalla: i understand SquirrelWraithe: so yes SquirrelWraithe: no one else is on o ask SquirrelWraithe: but whatee wallakwalla: ok wallakwalla: how long have you got? SquirrelWraithe: uh... a few minutes... about 10 wallakwalla: if i call him and you DO talk to him about me... i do sort of want the rest... but i dont care if i get it. i'd just like what is said about me... wallakwalla: you know how i am about calling him. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: i know wallakwalla: ::strangle:: wallakwalla: i hate sitting here with my phone and not being able to press the green button. it is so pathetic. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: have you yet? wallakwalla: he says "father says no" SquirrelWraithe: w/e SquirrelWraithe: it says you are offline did you block me wallakwalla: I'M SERIOUS!! wallakwalla: no i ddint block youSquirrelWraithe: w/e at him wallakwalla: i went invisible SquirrelWraithe: how do you do that wallakwalla: do you see the little eye? SquirrelWraithe: no wallakwalla: do you HAVE the little eye? SquirrelWraithe: yes SquirrelWraithe: i see it SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:18 PM. wallakwalla: click it and it closes SquirrelWraithe: hahaha SquirrelWraithe signed on at 4:22:41 PM. SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:42 PM. wallakwalla: yeah sometimes it bothers me that it stares at me SquirrelWraithe signed on at 4:22:45 PM. SquirrelWraithe signed off at 4:22:46 PM. SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: sometimes i hate him so much wallakwalla: jordan was dumb. he answered the phone and went "jordan isn't here at the moment it depends on who is calling" wallakwalla: i'm sorry. SquirrelWraithe: o SquirrelWraithe: he thought it was me huh? wallakwalla: i dont know. i said "um.. it sarah calling with a message from arjay" wallakwalla: i wonder if we do sound alike on the phone... SquirrelWraithe: dont kno wallakwalla: me either. will have to ask him perhaps SquirrelWraithe: ok.. wallakwalla: i think paul was there... SquirrelWraithe: ok SquirrelWraithe: i should call and ask for paul wallakwalla: you should haha SquirrelWraithe: well i g2g... toodaloo wallakwalla: ok bye wallakwalla: ttyl wallakwalla: bring money for food

i ate. it was good. i was scared today when we went to the store... on the way back there were swarms of people flocking to the church. i wonder if mormonism isn't some kind of cult... with the way they act and everything. i swear... man. anyway. i miss him. i miss my kitties. i miss thigns. i've onlyb een gone a freaking 24 hours and i miss them. well... i've been gone from jordan longer than 24 hours. I WANNA KNOW WHY I MISS HIM! it makes no sense. oh well... mondays suck anyway. pegasette and i'll bet money that either one or both of htem wont go. i know arjay's not...but jordan better. hm... perhaps i will be arjay-y and beg him like she does. ah well i smell the hamburgers. teh little scabby on my wrist is not looking well... it is sort of green... but it doesn't hurt.. oh well. i want to go to dees. but tehre's no guarantee. cry

ee. i am getting sick and it totally sucks. i mean totally and completely in every possible sense of hte word.(however many there are) so i get to school and go in the library...here are the good and bad things in my day Positives i got a magazine from tasha it had nine inch nails in it and the killers i only had to sacrifice $1.20 i could tell by the silence that jordan was pissed at arjay and possibly vice versa... i got to feel special in the big chair (until nathan took the puppy pillow) we got our gear up shirts in advisory they are black i got to read tasha was only minorly annoying my legs didnt start hurting as much in dance jordan was really sweet in dance he wanted to buy more pins and make mitch even more jealous (muahahha!go jordan!) we are finally done learning the charleston nobody tried to pick me up jordan didnt shove me off when we did the foxxy we didnt have to rehearse in drama i got gum good gum got to trade roles in the "love connection" skit I don't have to scream TOFU!!!!!!!! scott gave me a kiss it was rather quiet in the class i found tasha they are mad at eachother(arjay and jordan) jordan didnt seem embarrassed or annoyed that i stopped by his classroom to ask if he wanted the pins or not. we didnt have to sing in third i got to listen to papa roach and greenday and the killers got to write in my journal got to stand by the door to leave jordan didnt get weird that i waited for him he bought a pin he walked with me he showed me what he wrote on the black paper at the thing last week awww...."BAGEL" and then... some weird sign nobody asked me for food mr aiono didnt talk forever in fourth we didnt have to do anything i got to read. my book is good we didnt have to do alot of work in english i got to write i felt smart i got food juice and an APPLE FRITTER jackie and i had an "intelligence contest" guess who won? well... sort of... read about little paramecium in sixth went to get jordan after sixth he was wearing my pins acted like he was gonna ditch but didnt and stayed behind close to me got to go outside book work in seventh got good grade dont have to stay after for her get to say for pegasette tomorrow HAPPINESS!!!!! suzy was nice sara wrote me a note she hated my highlighter walked to honks walked home found lilacs rode bike to honks got food had a little bit of fun with "committee" rode bike home got ribs and shells and cheese and green beans with garlic mmmm bottle caps. fizzy yummyness and now i am online and waiting for arjay to return since jordan was "an asshole" to her NEGATIVES i had to be subjected to paulie for a moment got squished on the couch squished alena arjay borrowed my safety pin had to compare shirt sizes in advisory cj and amanda started making out ew i had to watch had to DO the charleston in dance will have to keep doing it until hte end of hte year felt bad about the pins jordan was obviously hurting i got minorly ignored in 2nd got ditched after no birdie, so no real excuse to go to rounds' room took forever to find a chair in third it was uncomfortable tracking on mulan was messed people that can't sing were singing to the songs we didnt get to watch napoleon dynamite so i had to read and be uncomfortable english lunch kaleb drank my juice had to wipe it off sort of ignored in 6th was the "follower" once again bookwork in geography jordan went too fast had to talk to suzie didnt get to talk to him or give him more pins or his gir picture thing walked all the way to honks walked the rest of the way home no drink at all sore feet only home for like 40 minutes had to go back to honks sarah johnson is a bee-yotch mom couldnt give me a ride home nobody likes my ideas everyone loves everyone else's ideas rode home ate too much jordan is being an asshole i can't think of a good enough reason to talk tohim sob... i can't help want to ask jordan want to have jordan (not that way) can't exactly have jordan (this way or that way) pegasette tomorrow i am sleepy going to have to get off soon probably won't have talked to him will go to sleep thinking of him oh yeah.. and i am getting SICK!!!!!!!!! ************************************************* yeah well that's pretty much how my day is. not much to say. i hate not being able to hate either of them. SOB!!!

i seriously thought i was going to die this morning. mom went totally wacko. she started yelling at us about how messy the house is. i probably cried for about an hour. my eyes still hurt. let me tell ya, tho... i definitely needed to. well tony called dad, and mom got pissed beccause she didnt want us running away and crap but we went anyway and she was in a better mood when we got home. I LOVE GARAGEBAND.COM!!!!!!!!!! it is freakin awesome!!!!

In a way I guess... I'm not really sure why I came back to this. I'm being drawn to it for some strange psychotic reason. Maybe because it's been a year since I created it. Pots... yeah. It annoys me. There is not much going on in my life ofther than the fact that i've been in a hospital for... meh. Name: Age: Mood: Why You're Here: SCALES: Anger: Anxiety: Depression: Suicidal thoughts: Personal Goal: over and over and over. monotonous. i bought 6 books today at DI. then i got icecream. I'm curently at my dad's house, watching tv and waiting to play the guitar. I got picks for it. so I am happy. I just heard thunder. I consider winter over now. I'm going to go outside and just sit in it and let it pour on me, perhaps it will blow me away.