Sometimes I feel like I am sufficating. So I come up for air. And all that happens is I find that air isnt as good as it was. So I will continue holding my breath, that is until I see her again. Then I can let go again. Love again. Feel again. I have turned myself off. I didnt realise this until a few weeks ago. But I dont feel anymore, at least not like I used to. I cut myself off as best as I can, and I write. Always writing, thinking, contemplating. Not even about her a lot of the time, just the world how things work. It is not because I dont love her, she is always on the back of my mind. But if she came front stage then the Dam will break and the tears will flow. I cant have that. I will not cry, I do not cry. I will wait. It would be easier if I either had her or I didnt. If she wasnt so far away, I went through so much with her, just to loose her and feel it more than I could have imagined. It all left me after that my mouth closed and my notebook opened. Sometimes I think, wow. What a good looking girl, I meet her then I realise my stupidity. Three things, first no one can live up to the level that she set. Second, if I made her cry I would die and I would feel every second of it. Thirdly, so much is going for me right now. I cannot change. Tonight I pray for the numbness to continue