I just read a blog entry about a single guy trying to tell other guys to realize that when they look at the perfect images so easy found that they are damaging the minds and hearts of the women around them. it made me cry. He said how men's attraction to actual women can decline because they want the fake image. That's most of my problems with Evan in a nutshell. Someday i will find someone that is in love with the real me. Not the fake thing that they understand me to be. I am a real person and I will be me, and only me.

It has started. I've got the papers begun to divorce Evan, but i got stuck when it asked about what was wrong with our relationship. I want to put it behind me and even now i have to look backwards to see what i don't want to anymore. I don't want to think about the verbal abuse and the lack of intimacy and the pain and the hurt and all of it blamed on me. I don't want to tell the state that my husband who was supposed to love and protect me, isolated me and physically hurt me. I still have difficulty with talking about it. I can't help feel hopeless... or lonely. I know that if i ask friends will be there for me, but right now i don't want to ask. I don't want someone that knows what's going on to ask me out of pity. I want someone that doesn't know to show up out of nowhere and tell me that i'm awesome and Evan should die in a fire... without ever saying those words. I'm tired of talking and i just want things to happen. So here i am. with an ulcer in my stomach, living in my parent's basement slowly but surely cleaning and organizing their home because i know they are just used to it. dragging my dad to the gym in an effort to make a dent in his diabetes and unemployed... with credit card debt, medical bills, and the cost of filing for divorce not to mention my car all looming over my head. To make this all just a bit worse, Evan is asking for payment for his debt and i still haven't paid on my car or it's insurance yet. Can someone be my knight in shining armor? ...exept that i can't have a knight because i'm married. Nope, i'm in a hole and this time there isn't anyone that can help me.

So my spring break was a no biggy. no great trip, or large project accomplished, just a break. And i'm glad it's over it's not that i love school, i don't like homework or even the deadline pressure, but when i had my fill of video games after the first day, i wanted something to do, somewhere to go, something that might seem at the most slightly productive. I did manage to do my presentation at the last minute, (good thing i remembered about it at all) and i bought the steel for my project. Maybe it'd be best to say that i was feeling couped. Couping makes me sensitive, one wrong word. GRRRRRR .... yet i would rather move out to the middle of a feild in Rural Kansas than live in an apartment, with no windows in the bathroom or no storage space, and without the oprtunnity to decorate or remodel what ever i wanted. I want freedom. but i want security, and routine, and a car that won't break down... and a teleportation device.... skip that! i want teleporting superpower! and be able to breath underwater. People aways want to fly... i want to breath underwater.. you can't fall out of the water. and i love the floating feeling i get when i'm underwater. granted if you were able to fly without any sort of mechanisim or wings, you might get the same feeling... meh.. i'll be a mermaid anyday, that can teleport! "Let's Study Class sit down"

i want to type and look like i'm doing something important. so i'm going to rant a bit and see where this takes me. I want an ipod. Because then i can put music in my ears and then dance and nobody has to be bothered execpt for when i'm dancing in their face, not that i do that very often. I'm almost to spring break and i want to thrust out all of my creative juices because i think i need a refreasher course. And although my artwork may take some time, at least i feel better when i do it. You know how some people know exactly what it is that they want to do with their life? me niether. I'm waiting for something to kick me in the head and tell me that this is what i should do. I like Accounting. I think i could do it for the rest of my life and be content, but what about happy? can i be happy in anything with my life? Not for moments but for all time? why do i like the idea of sad movies? so that i can cry! i don't want my own life to be sad. i'd rather get all my negitive emotions on things that don't exist! My hip hurts and my shoulders hurt... maybe i can arrange for spring break to hang upside down for a few hours a day. supposedly it's supposed to work.. i don't get why... execpt that i suppose that it would help your back... reverse gravity or so. Gravity... i saw Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton and i loved it. and it makes me want a cat.... yeah. But i liked the muchness, although for anyone that may think about what is similar between a raven and a writing desk... my guess is ink. I'm fond of riddles. shiver

So, i've been out of it. So what? I've got alot in my head that's twisting and distorting and all i want is to fix it. But the best way for me to do that is to go home and spend time with the people that can help me do that. The only people that really know what's going on. Facebook is my enemy, it makes me homesick and hopeful and then i pull away and see what i have and i want to cry. I can't talk to Evan about it because he gets upset and once he's upset it doesn't matter what i say or what i'm trying to tell him because he blows up in my face, So that he's upset with me because i'm upset. i don't expel everything i needed too and that me more upset that before. At least James lets me rant and lets me think that he actually thinks it's interesting. i tell Evan and all i get is, "you're so silly and cute" like i didn't say a word! one problem with men is i've always felt that i'm a doll for them to play with. to pick up and handle, but what i find charming and real, is when they treat me like a woman. Previous boyfriends had made me feel like wind-ups with limited actions, or pull strings with limited words, now i feel like the collector's addition, put me in the case and look at me. But i don't want to be a doll at all. I partly want to go home so that i can be free again. What does it mean to be mature? to be responsible? that doesn't seem to fit. What am i doing here? i don't belong here.

i can feel my pulse in my nose. The combination of climbing 6 flights of stairs and a cold, makes it so that i can feel my pulse by simply touching the bridge of my nose. I'm in the computer lab waiting for my group to show and i'm wondering if i got the wrong time. Like if they went to a different lab cause this one was busy or maybe even a different time. I'm hoping that it's just the time. i'm hoping that we agreed on 3 o'clock and not 2:30, because it's 2:40 and i don't see them My contacts are really sucking right now.i can't focus and so they are giving me a headache, i honestly want more than anything just want to go home, put on my glasses, and play Dragon Age all night, but i need to do my accounting homework, and call about buying steel, and copying my notes for James, *sigh* They better come today My dance class is coming along well. I totally suck at the arms since mine are big and flabby, but i'm not sure how to change that. I'm just doing all i can, aside from push ups. i really hate push ups. Anyways, so she told us that we were going to be making our own dances with a song of our choice, and i think i got one picked out. It's called Down to Earth, by Jem. It's 4/4 so easy counting, lyrics actually mean something so i really like that, and i want to have Gary in my team so that we can do a couple lifts. Which means i need to turn on the charm so that he wants to be partnered with me. I'm assuming at this point that Susan will want to be with me, but it's iffy. She might want to be with some of the more expirenced girls. Eaither way i need to think of things that are easy to do and yet are beautiful, as beautiful as Modern really is at least. So i'm not liking this keyboard. it keeps missing my strokes. so i get missing letters in my sentances. oh well. i'm finding myself wondering more and more that maybe i did something wrong, like maybe i should've waited. i think about what's happened and i like the expirence i think i've grown, but i wonder if i'm becoming hard. i like being flexible and muti-sided, but i think that Evan's pinning me down and not letting the other sides show. at least he's into the idea of Prom now. Maybe something will happen.

welp, this is different. Remember how i was going to update more often and practice typing? me niether. I like the chrome, the computer in the RC's computer lab seem to be a bit more technical and super duper, (yes super duper is a technical term) so i'm trying the google chrome and i like it. So right now i'm killing time, something I've been doing a lot of today, and hopefully not without some credit. i went to a third thursday visiting artists here at the Nerman and in an hour i should be meeting up with my honey and going to a schmoozing seminar, and yes, not kidding it's called schmoozing. Something Evan doesn't need to practice but i might work on practicing it i found a great deal today, I'm in a Yoga class (oh by the way i'm back in school) and i bought a yoga mat from the dollar spot at target. Good deal right? Well the first day we actually do stretches i'm sliding all over the place, it's squishy but not sticky. So i needed a sticky mat. So i of course go back to Target, and find an unwrapped (still had the barcode) ever so slightly damaged sticky yoga mat. So i took it up to Guest Service. Told them i didn't like how it was unwrapped and wanted a discount for the damage. i got 50% off. I think the guy was trying to do it right in the computer and gave up so he offered it to me for the 50%. Plus my red card discount i was very happy. So, as before mentioned, i am back in school, and very very happy about it. I'm working for the Bookkeeping certificate. I got a 100% on a test! (just a bit excited about that) but i'm so tempted to go all the way and be a certified accountant. or maybe stop at the certificate and just become a bookkeeping cartoonist. i would really like that. I could do art every day! I wanted to do a graphic novel but Evan hasn't exactly finished his story. And i'm looking for a phone My pet phone that i loved so dearly i didn't renew my contract two years ago, took a swim. i want to blame Evan but i have no proof and doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense. It was sitting next to the sink and we were doing dishes, i leave it there thinking it was far enough away for it to be safe and I go back twenty minutes later and it is soaking. there's not even a puddle, my phone is just soaking. So i have a blank white screen in front of me, sigh****** I'm looking at buying a refurbished phone off of At&t's website and i think i found one i like, but i need my dad's account and personal information to get it, so i get to call daddy. Horray for Daddy, I really am a daddy's girl, at least compared to the rest of my family, love every single one of them, but i think dad and i have a connection that doesn't need words. Maybe just a couple of bear hugs... and since he is a bear, it all works out. well that took about a half hour. perhapes i'll remember to add more later

i suck at typing i don't know what to do about it so i'm going to just try and write and type more. that's why i'm here. it's been awhile but here it is. Well. Evan's gone Neroing and i'm sick part of me wants to call him but i've waited this long he won't miss anything if i did. Although i should plug in my phone in case he needs something So i've finally watched twilight, meh not impressed. It made me wish i was in the movie business. The great thing about the book to me was that you could see yourself in bella's place and Edward (or jacob if you're on his side) was an impossible first love. Some times i think that's all it is. meh. I liked the books.. didn't like the movie i will probably watch the rest of the movies because i'm a hypocrite and i want to find out how they failed the books. I also watched Confessions of a shopaholic and i didn't like the weakness of the love story about it. i didn't fall for the guy. i love "Where the Heart is" with Natalie Portman and James Frain where even though i don not find Frain an overly attractive man i fall in love with his character about 20 minutes after his introduction. Whether or not it's his acting but more of how you understand him. So often a few sad words said is all we get from chick flicks. I did like he's just not that into you. i liked the subtle feeling of a documentary with the not always a happy ending. i don't like that even though the story seems mostly about Gennifer Goodwin's character she doesn't get the first credit. of all these movies the only one i cried about was he's just not that into you. So it was the best. i should be a critic a food and movie critic. my head hurts. i vomited earlier but i've drank alot of water since then. i got a hydration recipe from WebMd. so that's gone but the headache hasn't.

yeah it's been awhile i know got another comment about my background, but i love it that way. annoying as physically possible. i probably have less readers this way. I have a job at a coffee and candy place, there is way more crap about coffee then i thought possible. funny how that is. Marriage life is good. He's a sweetheart, and still convinced that i'm a fairy. I want to illustrate for a children's book. about a fairy, but i'll have to make it as good as the "special" book. I like my job I love my man I love being so close to my new family I love have a free house I like the house I hate the electral work in the house I like that i'll have an empty apartment in Kansas City. I hate dial up I want to listen to my music but i can't cause it takes too stinking long at least when i'm doing bakery i can listen to the music there.

so it's my last day here working at CEU and possibly the last time i come here for School The plans for Kansas City seem to still be on track. Evan didn't quite pass one of his classes but he seems to think that he can do it again over the summer. I'm just going to worry about finding work over the summer. and typing lots and lots of typing. i should do one more type test before i do anything today. Here we come future.

so get this... I have the dentist trip. and the trip that Evan won and now i have a trip as well i was entered into a drawing and now i get a free trip to the Bahamas. all i have to do is pay for the plane ticket. I'm laughing on the inside i finally got the invites and now i'm trying to hand them out before everyone leaves for the summer this is the last day for classes and then it's finals next week. FREEDOM!! from Price at least. la la la la Evan off backpacking again. I'm so happy i'm not like other people. and that i can function without my partner. I heard another couple talking about how they are trying to plan ahead and get all things ready and she was talking very loudly and i clearly heard. "I will not be without you". That's not a good thing. she's so needy and he has no backbone.

so Evan has perfect cavities. go figure. now he has an all paid trip to California scheduled for soon after our wedding. to bring me along would only cost a plane ticket. There is this thing where Dentists have renew their lincense to do stuff, and Since Evan has so many and so perfect, cavities if another dentist has no patient, Evan might get paid to sit in their chair. It's open to problems but as long as the dentist is compentent enough to get his exam straight Evan will be fine. And he has textbook cavities. The ones that don't get filled in at the Exam his dentist will do after the trip for free. It's a nice break for a couple starting out. and it all started with 12 perfect cavities. boy that makes me laugh inside. I hope that when we go out to Kanas City that things will work out well enough. We are planning on student loans to pay for school, then hopefully i'll get a job as a massage theropist, and Evan can stay in school till he graduates. I'll be able to work and he can study. Evan said something about the School that he's going to being a non-profit organization... and i don't know what that entails but i'm sure we will be ok. i just have to Pray. On the upcoming trip to Navuoo... we are going to stop in Topeka. And so I'm making It's Hot in Topeka shirts in honor of this event. Evan and I will wear them in the town and say Topeka alot. if you are wondering why watch this http://youtube.com/watch?v=iGDFwJrl99I it's hot in Topeka hot hot hot well... i need to finish Evan's Book that he asked me to illustrate

So i had a dream... i'm going to try to turn it into a story. I've always wanted to do that and now is as good a time as any. I was invited to a slumber "party" the ones where you are to buy sex toys... the weekend before my wedding.... i don't think i'm going to go... i'm not interested and it's going to be held the weekend before my wedding.... possibly the biggest weekend of my recent Life She invited a whole bunch of single girls too.. you just don't do that.

easiest day at work yet i've so far talke on the phone once. the rest of the time i've been playing on facebook

sigh... i have an half hour till my last student evaluations for the day. At least they are easy, stand in front of the class and wait for them to finish, my favorite is when i tell them to remember to fill out the back. yeah... Boring Work.... honestly i'm not complaining. it's really nice getting up in the mornings. i tend to see the sunrise each day. Today i even beat the School buses. i saw a couple elementry kids waiting for their bus. and then i basically relax till somebody wants copies or something like that. As soon as i'm done with Student Evaluations for today i get to schedule more with other teachers. At least i have four done already. cause then i have only five left and two of those are already scheduled. i'll call the next teachers when they are done with thier classes. Evan and I finally went swimming on Monday. I still smell a little like clorine and i'm a bit curious as to how much pool water i swallowed. but it was fun. It was a wave pool and at first it was really scary but i got better and had lots of fun jumping and floating with the waves. I'm trying to speed up with my typing. I think i'm doing fine and that i have a fairly good speed and then i go and take a test and then suddenly i mess up and hesitate and can't do it right at all. And Acuaraccy leads to Speed... so says various free typing tests. Practice Practice Practice. Hmmm.... maybe i should call Larsen... like now.... ... Yeah now i have only one more teacher to call! I'll get everyone done by next week. out of the way and over with. I'm leaving today for my pre surgery visit.. I haven't eaten anything yet today... but thankfully i have a packet of peanut butter from the Cafeteria... Yummm! preservatives! at least it's something... it's better for you to eat something then nothing. otherwise stuff gets messed up.. OH!! good news. Evan's thinking about the Physican's assistant thing again. We might move to Alburqurce... wow... murder of spelling... but not for at least another year. this peanut butter is interesting. it reminds me of the time that i got a hollow rose for valentines from my visiting teachers and i filled it with this same sort of peanut butter... it was good... but to much peanut butter. I wonder if the easter candy is still around in the stores.

So i'm finally putting an actual song in that slot makes me a little bit happy inside. Brandel texted when my phone was dead... i don't think he knew that. oh well i'll text him after work but to help him so that i don't just rant about my life and how it sucks i'll write it here and then perhapes i can calm down.. maybe. i managed to get sunburnt over spring break and so now my face is peeling and i really really don't like that. it makes my nose look super red and i don't dare cover it up so i'm just trying to smother it in lotion and aloe so that i might be able to peel in silence. Classes are back to being stressful. mostly my Eletronic Illustration class. whenever i talk to people about they all say that it was such a fun class but i'm having problems with that. I have a project due on Thursday and i didn't have a good enough idea till monday this week. Eveyone else has been working on theirs for about 2 weeks. even if i had the idea during spring break i wouldn't have been able to work on it cause the labs weren't open and i don't have a mac.... or a mac with the program i needed. I just feel horrible whenever i show up. Typograghy seems to be fine... but i'm losing faith in my teacher. Then theirs Air Brush....I finally catch up and now i'm back to being a few steps behind. again. I have a free style past due and a canvas due next time. I don't even have a canvas ... I need to talk to Rachel and see where she gets her masonite I need to pay and get this and this and all these other things. grr... think i can survive? i hope so but i'm not looking forward to it. i asked Evan if we could go swimming before my surgery since i won't be able to afterwards. He said ok but now i'm not so sure it's going to happen. maybe i'll feel better next week. The student art show applicants and art pieces are due next week. I still need to make a base. I suppose i'll have to go into the art building early. I'm going to have to plan things the day before. i think it's sad that me at work is the only thing that i do that is not stressful. wow.

hmmm. it seems that my job is much more cushy then I had oringinally thought. It's only my second day and i've made copies for one person, printed off one attachment and oh yeah... managed to get some homework done... more than i thought possible. I even called Evan. wow. He's so funny. I'm so happy that we are going to get married. I suppose that for now i'll just have to work on my typing speed. i think it might actually be getting better. "with accuracy comes speed" who knows? Maybe by the time that all this is over i'll have a faster speed than and average of 30wpm. I just have to take more time with the rest of my homework. I'm excited to have someone come by and ask for copies when i'm sitting here doing very little.... except perhaps drawing. hmm.. maybe if i do that then people will be more interested in my work and then that would give me a larger audience at the Student Art show! i'm thinking i'm in over my head but it'd be nice to think that perhapes my college professers thought my art purchesable

well... i seem to have alot of things to fill in. the pagent went well. I didn't win anything except an appretiation of girls that do actually win. A few hard feelings but it was something fun that i was able to do. As far as i'm concerned my performance the day before which ended in a fantastic complement from the dean of students was my reward. I love just being on a stage. speaking of Stage.... Evan is in a play here at the School, the Theatre Students have welcomed him with open arms and apparently the directors find him fresh and super funny. They've included me in their friendship for the most part. it's just nice to be around frank people sometimes. And I know Andy... the freak that he is. I think him and Erica are dating... but they are so cute it's almost disgusting... some wonder if they do that on purpose. Wedding plans have finally started to form and move forword. My aunt found this great place with a garden and a waterfall, and an auditoruim with a stage. I thought we could use the stage to cut the cake and throw the bouquet. i'm excited for it. the best part? Super cheap. Last night i went to Lee and Angie's with Evan with the intent of playing games, but when things turned to them talking about things i'm not involved in, i surprised myself with the amount of versions of Solitare i knew. Solitare... Three Peaks... Pyramid... Free cell... and i shuffled... alot. Well the big news i have for today is simply that i'm writing this because this is my first day at work and i'm bored. Yep, Lazy bum me, got a job. With the school here, i work in the mornings till lunch, three days a week. I was only using the time to do homework, but since my bank account has dropped severly i'm here. Writing a blog.... on SitD. I've been told that this might be boring so i'm probably only going to get paid for doing homework... that's fine with me. I'll only be working till school is out but by then i'm coming home till the wedding, I'll get a job during the summer and then hopefully i can keep said future job during school.... or maybe i can come back and do this next year. I'm excited for the student evaluations though... i get to be paid to stand up infront of a class and say "criquic your teacher" oh glory.

Hello Life! things are wonderful. Evan Proposed on My birthday with a handwritten poem and a ring. The Date is May 30th Which is also my dad's birthday. He's thrilled. and so am i The reception will be the same day and in Salt Lake City at my aunt house. It will be outside and i'm so exicted. Also the Pagent is today and we had a rehearsal last night and the entire thing will be great! our pagent director told everyone that i was the only one that was doing it right and that everyone else was not acting like they were confortable. He asked if it was anything that i was doing that gave me the new edge. and honestly it was just being on the stage again. I just hope that my real confidence doesn't make me so much that i mess up. But i'm sure that the real fear will be just fine. I was throwing things around my room yesterday my poor roomate was laughing and helping as she was passed out in her bed. I'm stoked for tonight. My family is comming and everything! Yeah!

So my current problems is very simple. I don't have my camera or my phone. and it's really bugging me about how slow i type. I've been taking speed tests on the internet and i'm only typing at about 35 wpm. tops. i don't like it.... must go faster. I'm happy about Miss CEU but i'm getting more and more scared as things keep going and the deadlines are getting closer and closer. I bought a swimming suit and a new pair of heels, and i already have a dress for formal wear and i have black clothes for the opening number, (just undecided on what exactly i'm doing with them) and i'm fairly confident in my talent. Although i'm not sure how sane it will be if i continue with my idea of a pantomine. So... i'm typing on a mac.... and it's underlines anything that i spell wrong. i'm not so sure i like it because i don't know how to stop it. Well..... i still have ten minutes till class and i'm wondering if i should wait to get my stuff out or if i should get it out now. Confession time! I'm jealous of Evan. stupid i know, but i don't get to see him as much as i used to and he has a job that he seems to enjoy and he's working almost everyday doing almost secretary work and he's also a lead in the Musical for the college... and i'm.... in a beauty pagent. Now do you understand why i'm jealous? yeah me neither. all i can do now is get over it. ... i like this keyboard that's for sure. i think i'll have to come to this class early with my book so that i can do homework now. i thought about it but then i didn't think that i'd have enough time. go figure. and i'm still pittering away, on the pretty white key board. be quiet mac, pittering may not be a word but it's a good otamatapia. ... you spell it then. don't mind me i'm just arguing with my computer.