This next installment of my self-help books will give you the top ten ways of killing yourself that will guarantee your name in the hall of fame. Be it at work, school, or neighborhood. All of these methods will leave people talking about you for years to come. Immortalizing yourself through self-mutilation has never been so easy. I will give you the name, a brief description of what it is and what you will need to perform your sacrifice. Seppuku – For all of you not familiar with the Japanese samurai, seppuku is a form of self-disembowelment. It was used by the samurai to regain or maintain their honor. So what better way to not look weak in front of your family and friends, than by imitating the actions of an honorable warrior? If you want to take it a step above, attempt to perform it with wooden cooking spoons. What you need: A sword (or wooden cooking spoon), yourself, and courage. What to do: Take sword/utensil and insert to the far left of your abdomen, then make a horizontal cut towards your right, then twist and proceed upwards to your heart. Relax and let your body do the rest. AIDS trapping - AIDS is a rather nasty disease that leaves your immune system looking like Iraq. It is transmitted through bodily fluids and that means sex is the primary vector. This takes some courage because the AIDS doesn’t actually kill you, the other viruses and diseases that assault your system will. What you need: Money, an army of cheap sleazy hookers, and sexual promiscuity. What to do: Have sexual intercourse with as many of these women to increase chances of getting AIDS. Once diagnosed with AIDS, wait till you die. Make sure to find a place to retreat so Doctors can’t save you while you’re on a mission to find pestilence. OD on Tylenol – Tylenol is considered a safe drug; it’s hard to get addicted to it. Its effects are limited as are its side effects. To say the least it’s a mundane drug that can be taken on a regular basis. But this shouldn’t deter you from breaking a Guinness book of world record. Most Tylenol consumed by one human being in one sitting. In fact you’re going to consume so much that it kills you. What you need: Kilograms upon Kilograms of Extra Strength Tylenol and water. What to do: take 2 pills and swallow with as little water as possible. Repeat every 5-10 seconds. Stop when dead. Ingesting steel wool – Steel wool is an abrasive material used to clean grim, calcium and any other tough build ups. It is a finely woven compound of chromium, iron and carbon that is stronger than most other alloys and it is stain resistant. So why not use it to clean yourself of this meager existence? What you need: Steel wool, and Balls. What to do: Take the steel wool and roll it into a small bundle. Consume it. Repeat and wait for it to tear your insides it to spaghetti. Expect a lot of anal bleeding and abdominal pains; but don’t puss out, your doing this for fame. Join the American army – Americans are renowned for there blue on blue accuracy. In fact, every bullet they’ve fired on a friendly has never missed, so it is safe to say that they have a 100% chance of hitting Friendlies. This statistic is directly in your favor. By joining the army you are guaranteeing that your life will be disposed of in a meaningless manner. However it will be shown on television at least 5 times a day for approximately 3-4 months. Talk about fame and suicidal intentions! What you need: Prerequisites for American army (mostly age, since their army sucks), and reckless disregard for your life. What to do: Join army. Go to Afghanistan. Wait for Friends to shoot you in the back through their own incompetence. Intestinal Surprise – This one works primarily on the fact that you may have the willpower to change your eating habits. When you die using this method, anyone within a 10 m radius is going to die with you, or anyone trapped in a room or building that is not well ventilated. The aftermath will dissipate after approximately half an hour depending on how well you took to the diet. What you need: Beer, Cabbage, beans, asparagus and rat poison. What to do: For every meal of the day you will only consume beer, cabbage, beans and asparagus in mass quantities. You will continue on this diet for exactly 2 weeks and on your final meal, preferably in some place public, you will put a heavy dose of rat poison in your meal. The effect: you die; releasing a pestilence on the unsuspecting people that HAZMAT units would be obligated to quarantine. Decapitation – This old school method of suicide is a well-known death for kings and peasants alike. You pissed of the people; they beheaded you easy and simple. Out of date by todays less horrifying methods of capital punishment, but I strongly urge this one if you’re conservative. What you need: A Guillotine or Piano wire. What to do: Place your head in the slot allotted for your head and release the rope to drop the large blade onto your neck, effectively removing that cumbersome object on your shoulders. Or if you are lacking a Guillotine, construct a noose made of piano wire, get lots of it and then jump off a height of around 10-15 m with the noose around your neck. The wire should slide easily through your skin and sever one of the vertebrae in your neck. Skateboarding Supreme – This one will impress your friends and leave them saying, “Man! Did you see that! Too bad he didn’t pull of that trick.” What you need: A Skateboard, and Skateboard attire (as to not appear out of place.) What to do: Find an Olympic ski jump that’s usable during the summer. Go down the ramp on your skateboard. During your airtime, do as many wild and insane flips and twists that you can think of. Before approaching the ground, position head so it is the first thing you land on. Wait. Train vs. you – Some handy facts about trains: They weigh in at a staggering 300+ tons, have anywhere from 6000-12,500 horsepower and can go from 0-150 mph in 3 minutes. Facts to know about you: You weigh in at about 100 – 200lbs, you have 2 legs with about 0.1 horsepower and can go from 0-10 mph in 3 seconds. Too say the least; this game of chicken is one side, lucky for you this is what you’re looking for. What you need: Running shoes and attire, an approaching Train, nerves of steel. What to do: When you see a train coming around the bend in the distance, step onto the tracks and square off with it (make sure it’s approximately 300m away). Stare it down till it’s about 100 m away and run towards it head on, don’t pussy out keep running towards it as fast as you can. Who knows maybe the train will turn off the tracks? Cannon volley – This one can be done with all your other suicidal friends. It’s a great display at circus events and concerts. Plus you’ll leave your mark on some architecture that will be around for longer than you ever could; assuming it doesn’t burn to the ground. What you need: A cannon capable of shooting a human being at incredible speeds, a brick wall. What to do: Load yourself up into your cannon, and all of your friends in their respective cannons. Be sure that the cannons have a trigger that you are able to operate yourself so you don’t have to rely on anyone else. Have the cannons aimed at a brick wall and pull the trigger in sync with your friends to create a louder more satisfying smack and splatter sound. Immortality, fame and a good after life are now with your grasp. No longer will you be trapped in a vicious circle of failure, incompetently slashing away at your wrists. Now you will get the respect and admiration you deserve. Feel free to adapt these methods in anyway you want. Remember, it’s your suicide, be creative and aim to please your audience.