I hate Resident Evil. Since its success as a movie, other corporate executives and Hollywood jackoffs have tried to turn a popular game into a motion picture. What they failed to realize is Resident Evil’s success laid primarily on the fact that people like zombies. Zombies are kick ass, interesting and possibly the scariest thing people have come up with to-date. Martians, burn victims and small girls are not scary. I am, of course, referring to the two abominations to cinematography, Doom and Silent Hill. I shall begin with Doom and tackle the worst afterwards. Doom wouldn’t be a bad movie if you happen to be blind, deaf and dumb, but for the rest, with all their senses, had to endure a lengthy exposure to unhealthy amounts of bad acting, poor visual effects and an uninteresting plot. Enough can be said about the bad acting with one name, The Rock. I think this is an appropriate name, since rocks have approximately the same emoting capabilities. You could probably replace The Rock with an actual rock and you wouldn’t be able to notice a difference. As for the terrible visual effects, they tried way too hard to make it like the video game. It was too dark; I was getting headaches from straining my eyes to see. The last straw was drawn with the first person run through of the mine. I’ll grant it for being unique, and by unique, I mean completely fucking stupid. I’m sure the obese hardcore gamers had a moment of nostalgia, but the rest of the world who had a life could have done without the ten minutes of seeing a gun run around a complex and shoot zombies. It didn’t work for Rob Zombie’s House of the Dead – a video game movie I neglected to mention because nobody has the time to give that movie a bad review – and it didn’t work here, let’s pray this is the last we see of the movie rendition FPS. As far as plot goes, I’ve seen more character development in a bowl of cheerios floating around in milk. It most certainly didn’t help the movie’s entertainment value with its predictable story line and obvious answer mysteries. The shallow story did nothing to captivate you; this in effect destroyed the atmosphere that could have made it intense and frightening. If I were to guess, I’d say someone with the functional intelligence of a Rice Krispie wrote the story. This is phenomenally more than I would guess for the writer of Silent Hill. The general experience of witnessing Silent Hill is probably equivalent to listening to a yammering idiot co-worker; it’s that distinct piercing pain you get in your frontal lobe. It was hard to believe such a highly revered game and high budget would get such a lousy fruition. First off, I’m tired of this heroine bullshit. No woman will ever be able to amount to the ass-kicking greatness of Sigourney Weaver; especially not a retarded blond woman, who adopted a demon child. She made so many stupid decisions it destroyed any credibility that she was a responsible loving mother. Case one: She brought her mentally ill child to a ghost town, a town still blanketed in noxious fumes from underground coal fires. Case two: Drove away from a cop for no reason at all. Case three: Ran away from a gun wielding cop after encountering a dangerous being that spews hot shit at you. Case four: continued to pursue her daughter even though each time her daughter lead her to danger. My final case: Tried to go back home with the devil in her back seat. There are more cases of her stupidity, but I’d have to dictate the entire movie to get them all. The story was about as solid as a 70 year old man’s penis. Here is a quick rendition of the whole story. Stupid woman yells, “Shannon!” Monster comes out of nowhere, “BOOOGA! BOOOGA!” Then a long moment of silence followed by close up of a bush. They attempted to do some explaining in the movie why the child was evil and what this was all about. But it failed. The writers and directors all failed to realize that it’s a child. It is a known fact that children are insignificant. They are so unimportant, not even the devil would make a pact with them. Making the whole premises of this movie fundamentally flawed at best. Furthermore the whole point of the stupid blond woman was so this child could have it’s vengeance against some people hiding in a church; people who leave the church on a regular basis to scavenge supplies. The powers that this child is suppose to be in control of apparently works at random. In any case one thing led to another, and she got the demon inside the church. What could have been a very creative butcher scene puttered to a disappointing end with barb wire. I don’t know about you, but if I were cooked alive over hot coals, I’d find way more creative ways of punishing those deserving. I should probably mention a cop dying but she left just as randomly as she showed up. Then the end of the movie comes around, where I expected all the pieces to finally come together, redeeming the train wreck of movie. The director, in his infinite wisdom, thought a green bush would explain everything. But he teases you first, you think the small girl is going to lay down some more truth to her ignorant mother, but then it pans to the right so you can stare at some bushes for a while then the movie ends. It’s productions like these that make me happy that we have venereal diseases and cancer. If the universe has any sense of nemesis, all of the affiliates to these atrocious movies will contract horrid organ melting diseases. With the abominations produced so far I don’t have much faith left for the Halo movie coming soon. I can only hope the apocalypse comes before then. If it doesn’t, it will happen after the movie. I can see a lot of angry nerds getting home and hacking into military nuclear bases, launching all of the nuclear missiles. Wouldn’t that be ironic, the end of the world invoked by a bad movie.