With every New Year comes the New Year resolution. For the most part, it is to resolve to be a better person. But human’s being the ultimate in hypocritical behavior, we invent new trends that make our collective intelligence rival mold. So, this leads me to my new rant, New Trends that Piss Me Off. I’ll do my best to mention all the annoying trends pertinent to society so far. This first trend has led me to believe we may eventually evolve without asses. In place, we will have movie theater seats. This is because of the growing trend to make movies to damn long. Movies are becoming so long, scientist are noticing a loss of brain mass with a proportionate increase in ass mass in all subjects. As seen in this equation f(x) = (x-B)/(x+A), where B is brain mass in grams, A is ass mass in grams and x is length of movie in minutes. In the days before internet, there was a most spectacular creature, which, during the movie, would put it on pause allowing you to stretch, walk around and make out. This creature was called the “intermission”, a now extinct creature, pushed out of a job and thus starved to death by greedy Hollywood capitalist assholes. The whole design is to make money off of you and an intermission takes up time. Time that they can show more movies, take out the pause more showings can happen in one night. Now this is not contradictory to the production of long ass movies. The powers of Hollywood have weighted it very carefully to stretch the movie just long enough that you’ll buy the supper size popcorn and drink, which they overcharge by at least 10000%. It would be impossible to last the whole movie without something to ration. Without the super size, you’d probably starve to death halfway through the movie, ¾ of it if you’re hefty. This next trend isn’t particularly new, we’ve just modified it. This is the trend of self-mutilation. Back in the good old days, self-mutilation was achieved by snorting, shooting and inhaling all kinds of narcotics into your body to feel out of this world. Our hip-pop-emo-rap culture has distorted this interesting hobby into an abomination. In place of drugs to get away or back at your parents, teens today are encouraged to try cutting themselves. Apparently carrying scars on your wrists and stomach are like badges of honor. They wear them with pride under they’re black arm stockings and fishnet arm gloves. Some like to take it to the extreme and fully take their life. However since they’re squeamish of blood, they’d rather O.D. Now this is similar to the past, but they didn’t O.D on Tylenol, like today’s creative youth. In fact, I could just simplify this and say Emos and everything that promotes the whole philosophy of Emoism sucks. What exactly is Emoism? Well I thought I’d do some research and after 15 minutes I gave up. Turns out Emos don’t even now what it is to be Emo or can’t agree on it. This makes sense since I didn’t give them or anyone who listens to Emo music much credit for profound thought. This is going to be my last trend as I’m losing tolerance and respect for all of humanity. This trend has to do with gaming and the amount of hours put into it; more evidence that we will evolve with chairs instead of asses. Something I should have mentioned earlier is that we will be pooping out of our mouths as well; we already shovel tons of shit daily into the ears of everyone around, now it will just be literal. Back to the point, the hours lost playing games. I never would have guessed flashing lights to keep people entertained for so long, but then again a good portion of the population believe there is a man watching them all of the time and is judging them constantly, but loves them very much. In any case, it was all good because these game geeks would waste their lives in the privacy of their home, where they wouldn’t bother good decent people. However, now they are starting to consort with each other, through games like Everquest, Doom, Final Fantasy XI and any number of other games that abuse the internet. Now they know of each other and have LAN games, video game-athons and the like, which has now made it’s way into our news, our malls and our magazines. The over exposure of video games has given it the illusion that it is popular, so now the video game crews have their ranks swelling with sheep. This swell has pushed the industry to new lengths, and new developments. The worst for society is without a doubt the MMORPG. A money siphon cleverly designed as a game. It works by being insanely expensive initially and then slowly drains your account of money with a monthly subscription. To further compound the evilness of this genre, they made nearly impossible to beat or progress without a full time commitment. The trap is flawless; it even incorporates ways to socialize with other people on the game, giving the illusion that the players are not anti-social, regardless of their pale and weak complexion. I don’t understand people who want to better the world, for everyone at least. What has humanity done that is deserving of a reward? If it weren’t for gambling we’d have nothing to be proud about. Well that’s all for now, more to come when I feel like it.