Life is horrible. Will people never realize that it doesn't have to be this way? It is not only the unnecessary hurt- why must we approach good things with such reluctance? Is there really a reason to mistrust the silver platter? I have so much fear, as if the thing were a shield instead, and accompanied by a sword. I believe the problem is reality, as it is undefineable by necessity. I have so many hopes, I have imagined so many good things for myself, but are they actually possible in solid, pysical form? Happiness, life, and love are awkward, they do not come naturally. I don't know how to behave- how am I supposed to know? Is there some way I should have learned this- something they teach to others, and I am out of the loop? Am I the only one who is lost in this way? Please show me, someone!! I am missing all my chances.. before now I have wasted time, and twice yesterday I might have spoken, and did not. I don't want to stand here helpless, watching them leave me over time, alone and empty, when everyone else has gone home and I still have none. Half my world is fantasy, and I am very, very afraid. Nothing is so easy. If my paradise can exist, and upon the silver platter, it is to no avail unless I can believe it. Does he see it too? Then I will know that it is real. Or, even if a mirage, it is enough proof that not only I can see it.. if the dream lasts for the people that matter, then that is all that matters. But proof requires a trial test, and tests are trials. But I don't know how I will behave, almost as if I don't know the subject. And I am AFRAID. Am I stong enough to stand it? Life is a cruel experiment- and NOTHING is more difficult than self-surgery. Will it work, this time? I think it will. It will. I will do it, and no matter the result I can and will be happy. oh, but... when, to speak? and what to say? how, to live? and make my way? It ought to be the easiest thing in the world, to fear only yourself. Without this, or something like, I have only constant survival, without life. I place so much on it, perhaps too much, but nervousness amplifies my hope and my fear together.. "be still, my beating heart!" The dream is so beautiful, I must follow it. I have never known such aspiration- I feel it with the intensity of death, only in happiness, and there is no slight pain but from my insecurity. Nothing could be more worth it, if ever I try anything. I MUST have the courage to let myself be vulnerable. It is almost something I do not dare to ask for. But no one is undeserving, and the need is always great. It is no presumption. If I never learn to ask for anything, I will never have any comfort. How will I ever get what I really want, if no one knows? My silence is foolish, and it is time I come to my senses! (PEP TALK TO SELF! ..ARE YOU READY? LET'S DO IT!) By monday, it shall be done.