Ever know someone you were just so desparate to get close to? But when my chance came, nothing happened but an uncomfortable feeling (never so uncomfortable in my life..), and now it's over and I'm not sure if I've completely blown it or not. I think it was just too soon. I want to go back so badly but I don't know if I can say anything. Even if I just try to get closer, without trying to take it where I did before, I'm afraid I might seem like I'm harassing.. and I don't want that. That would be worse. but I don't think I can stand to stay where I am. I would almost like to say, if I dare, that he is the kind of person who makes me want to be the best that I can. and my aspirations have been soaring on their own. I want to be the kind of woman I always wanted to meet, but never have. I suppose it's up to me- if I want to know her I have to BE her, so it seems. The world needs her, but will never know who she is until I show them. Only I'm not sure how to do it. It's like I have become completely reckless in a way, and yet I'm still afraid to do anything. I'm shy and scared... this is only a desparate bravado. The ground has fallen out from under my feet and I don't know how to BE in this strange new boundless place. Anything and everything could happen maybe, but even that I don't know. Maybe nothing could happen because I'm not sure what to do to make it work. I wish I did, because I care about him a LOT. I would like to say love, even, but such things should never be said hastily. I'm afraid that what I'm feeling is only another obsession, a little crush, and I don't want to be a fool for making things bigger than they are. Still I can't seem to get over it, I can't seem to let the idea go. I get very few ideas inside my head, I have very few hopes, but when I do I like to hold on. This time it's actually MY idea, this time it's what I want, have been wanting for a long, long time. It's not often I REALLY set my heart on something, so I think it OUGHT to be right, and it OUGHT to work. I feel differently about this than I have about anything else before, but that could go either way... I don't know. I just wish I knew how to handle it. All I need is a little more courage really. It took just about all the balls I had to do what I did, but it wasn't quite enough. Well that's HIS department anyway.. :-p I need some magic-all-knowing source of wisdom to guide me, or at least someone who's been around the block. I'm too lost on my own. (and to think it's only been a week, crazy as I'm becoming..) In my dreams.. in my dreams there is dancing, and kissing, and love, and attraction, satisfaction and happiness, and for once it seems like it could become real. The music haunts me, the red colors.. "It's a really hot niight, and it won't last for long, It's a really hot niiight, I know you're hopin' for mooore, you will be beggin' for more.."