Well what was I thinking? Of course it wouldn't work. and I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. siiigh. It would have been so much easier if I hadn't said anything, but then I probably would never have known for sure. Me and my delusional fantasies. I hope for too much. Yes, me- I hope for too much. It's never what I get. Just once, I would like to be right.. :-/ but I don't know what I'm about. I wonder if maybe I'll be able to eat and sleep again now that I'm done with it. haha that would be sad if that was why.. ugh. I'm so afraid to face another day now. Everything will be different... and so fucked up. I lost it all for lack of understanding- for refusing to admit that it might not work. Once I get an idea in my head, I like to pursue it, even if I'm wrong, and I always do it at the wrong time anyway. I need to stop that. Why is it that nothing happens when I want it to, but only when someone else does? What happened to the "miracles" you see in movies.. (I know they're not real..) but... what happened to the triumphs of real people? Maybe that's only for people who deserve it. Oh well. I suppose I couldn't really have known. I just wish I had.. so I could save myself the embarassment. I'm down, and if I don't bounce back quick people might see it this time, and know why. Ah, who am I kidding, I cried during class today but everyone was too busy to notice.. one guy noticed later but he thought I was "pissed off", and my friends.. well my friends weren't smart enough to get it at first. So I'm not worried about them. But I think Jacob would know, and I don't want to make him feel bad. No. I musn't have that. I'll employ my acting skills- I can be good at that, hiding. But I can't look too happy either.. or make it all look like a mistake.. because that would almost be worse. Oh this is so hard... I guess I shouldn't let myself feel too bad. I wasn't the only one who slipped up- it could have just not happened. I just hate it though. Not just that it happened.. but because I have this haunting, underlying feeling that it will always be this way. I know I'll always be alone, because that's just the way it is. I don't know how to be affectionate, and I can't even be comfortable with people unless I don't even care.. which takes the point out of it. Just as always, I have nothing to grab onto. Just flailing in empty space, and god it sucks. On top of that.. there's what happened to me before. and I think I might have a really BIG problem now.. well.. I don't really think so, but I'm a little worried because I just don't feel right. I really hope it's not the case.. because I can't HANDLE any more problems- I'm too messed up already. Never again. I just can't imagine myself doing it.. Anyway, I know what I want, and I can't have it. So I give up.