I'm not happy. Progress reports.. things are not looking good. I should do something, but I don't care. I don't even care that I don't care. My mom was on my back again. "What can you do to improve your grades?" Lots. but Can I? Or will I? haha.. that's just funny.. Just leave me alone.. My mom passworded the computer. Fucking grr.. Good thing she's gone now and my brother's decent.. I still say screw grades. I don't even care about graduating. I'm not going anywhere anyways. I have no desire to do anything, and even if I could somehow manage to find something I wanted to doing, it still wouldn't be worth it. Nothing is worth the sacrifice or the work it required to attain it. I have no money for college- why should I go just so I can spend the rest of my lousy life simply paying it back, especially when I don't even know if that's what I want? I'm not doing that. I'm so fucked... no matter what I try to do I will be fucked... hah. They call it a future.. Don't you just love my outlook? Admit it. That's truth. hah.. my econ teacher calls me his "bowl of sunshine".. I'm facing other internal conflicts right now. I don't need anything on top of it. I was all weepy during the first few periods at school. No one saw. Good. I got over that part pretty quick though. I was even feeling sort of ok for a while, but now I'm thinking again. Once you start down that road it's impossible to stop. You can fight it, but it just keeps coming back. The best you can do will only keep it at a lower level. It still gnaws on you. There's a bunch of decisions I need to make.. now. But I don't know what to do. My friend told me I should see a psychologist. I know I need help, but that doesn't mean there is any. There is nothing they can tell me that I don't already know. I know exactly what I need to do, and I also know that it is exactly what isn't going to happen- EVER. I don't care enough about anything to do anything about anything. So screw that. Even if I could find somebody to talk to, which I can't, they don't want to hear what I have to say and I don't want to say it. I'd probably only end up yelling at the poor person anyway. and it's really nobody's buisiness. Yes, I'm making excuses. They are mine to make so bite me. I prefer to put it all here- where it also does no one any good. Well it does. At least I get to write... :-p please note that I can not be held responsible for any suicides resulting from this entry. :-p sigh. now if only everything would just go AWAY!!!!!!!!