You should never have to pursue someone to take a role in your life, if you have to beg and plead for them to play a part then obviously they do not value to the extent that you need or else you wouldnt have to chase it, so walk away and focus your time and attention on those that do and the chance of meeting someone who does fullfill that.
Hmph.
I cant stand to be alone, I absolutely hate it. Being alone is one of my worst experiences which I have to experience very often late at night. I cant stand the fact of not being accepted, of not being loved, and while I hate not being myself sometimes, I mask how I really feel or think just souley based on the fact of keeping company. It pains me every night, but its better than facing my true fear of facing myself. My mind works like a thousand trains barreling down a thousand tracks nearly breaking the speed of sound. I compare this to trying and watch all a thousand trains at the same time and figuring out whats wrong with them while they are traveling at rediculous speeds. It becomes quite the struggle, and near impossible. Its a circle of thoughts that will never be broken, only slowed to managable speeds. And lately more than ever, I find myself questioning who I am, and what I want, and what I've done.
I believe within myself, lies the answer to a question that thousands of people ask themselves everyday, It's just the fact that there's no drive to be able to deliever such a powerful message, there's no urgency because of the falling status of the world around me. I think i am important, and I think I am smart and I think I am caring; to an extent most people wish they could hold themselves to, and I believe this makes me a strong person and confident in who I want to be, but i'm not. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be coming to an end. but It's not the moments of an ending you celebrate, It's the preperation for the random emergencies at 4 in the morning on a random thursday that should be worried about. But worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where.
so do I subcome to the world around me.
or do I continue fighting for the good
I know exists, and for my sanity....