I'm wondering why this happens every so often. As I'm writing this now I'm even crying. I feel like I get in this hole and I can't climb out of it so instead I dig myself in deeper. I'm tired of thinking of majors in school and what I'll do for the rest of my life. I don't want to lose sleep and get upset over a spanish test that in 2 years I'll forget completely about...Sometimes I like just being in a blah mood so that I can figure stuff out. I mean why…why? Why do I have to decide the one thing I'll do for the rest of my life, end up hating but still do so I can pay for my kids to go through a college they don’t even want to go to-why? Why do I hurt myself but stopping feelings for guys like Mike, Johnny and others-why? I only end up hurt in the end. They’re amazing people that make me want to be alive and try harder and yet I push them away…I mean WTF. I’m not about to blame my childhood on why I see/treat guys bc that’s a copout for me- that’s the easy way out and frankly you are who you are because you choose to be that way and I’m not going to allow myself to put things in my path anymore-I deserve to accomplish things like everyone else and I need to allow myself to do so and enjoy being happy. I need to not get restless with perfection bc I know ive never had it before so I get anty when I’m happy. Nothing is wrong if I’m happy…its ok. This strong tower I've built I wish would fall. It feels like its always raining…cause I cant take anymore of this-I wanna come apart-dig myself a hole inside someone’s precious heart…and the fact that my life doesn’t affect anything and in the big picture it means nothing makes me shocked. If it means nothing to the big picture why should it matter to me? I’m not afraid of the future I’m just upset that...I don’t know what it is and that people I have in my life now could be gone any day b/c people I’ve loved are no longer in my life. One of the few people-my mother-who I desperately look to for approval shook my world when she said that me just being at Wheaton made her feel like her life was worth it-that I made her proud by just being who I am. That made me feel good bc I now see that I can do anything with my life, but I still carry this guilt that my mother works 14 hours a day and hurts herself everyday so I can be here-that pushes down on me greatly and its getting hard to handle sometimes. I’ve always had too much on my plate, but until recently I was able to act like I was fine…nowadays I can honestly say I will have a meltdown and hit bottom in order to build myself back up..