so tomorrow is the big tourney in philly. im kind of freaked. sam-il with some stranger in front of judges i dont know with a supposedly massive crowd. and i have to hiss. I HAVE TO HISS. not cool. ok, so i guess you could say im kind of royally freaked and intimidated at the same time, and that takes a lot. yeah. im not in the best of moods. it doesnt help that im always on a guilt trip, or hating people, or what the hell...both! depressing music i dont know doesnt help matters much (mew and damien rice. great stuff) i am so not in the mood to psyche myself up for tomorrow, and getting up at 6 on a fucking saturday morning doesnt exactly help matters much either. i was supposed to drive down with cara, marion, and drew around 10:30-ish tomorrow morning, but upon closer examination of the schedule: i have to be at the tournament between 7 and 8:30 in the morning to sign in, not to mention the ref's meeting at 8:30. ugh. such is life. and to quote a dear friend of mine (who i haven't talked to since he left for school and feel rather guilty about...) "so what have i learned. it helps to expect the least because odds are thats what i'll end up with and theres little chance of getting really disappointed and, central life theme i think, whenever something goes bad for me it always brings lots of friends to make it even worse" all too true. there is too much going through my head. i dont feel like traking down my notebook to get it out, and i know i wont be able to sleep tonight due to an extreme anticipation of what is to come. as i would say to val..just stab me with a sharp stick. except, at this rate, its more like..stab me through the heart with a sharp anything. this may hurt me, but only for a little bit. it'll hurt you more to know that you did such a thing to me. enjoy! the more i write the darker this gets. hmm. i guess its exhaustion and nerves. and its kind of bothering me to admit that im nerveous about this, and anxious too i guess. ill just stop now before i try to rip my hands off in utter disgust. about as 'numb' as i get laur