this is not good. i have to suppress these tendencies. i have been successful at doing so these past some odd years, but its starting to rip me apart. it's fine to feel full, but when its hatred, i just hope you never feel it. the anger is so extreme. these mood swings are getting out of control. i know im dramatic, but this is beyond me. i used to pride myself in being peaceful, and feeling inner peace, but now, its all out fucking war. what happened to me? this rage wasn't released until i found someone else's pain. this isnt good. it started to feel like sympathy, but then it kept going. the worse others got, the more relaxed i was. what the fuck is going on? im 16. i have amazing friends. i have my life. i have my promises. i should be happy. i have not known genuine happiness for a few years now. this isnt right. i cant sleep. my peace is gone. all i have is violence. what makes it worse is that i know what to do. i dont want to break. i keep telling myself that im stronger than this. this wont bring me down. im too strong to be affected. if you only patch one spot while others are getting weaker, the dam will still burst. i dont know where those other spots are. im falling apart and i dont know where the seams are anymore. this isnt cool. i know ive always been cold and mean before, but this is going too fucking far. it has to stop before someone gets hurt. im not worried about myself, its others. im not worried about me breaking, i dont want to break people who are around me. i always say ill take it out on him because he has no affect on my life. im afraid to act on that. as much as i want to, im afraid. im falling the fuck apart. someone get the balls to put me back together. laur