i don't think i want to be with him anymore. it's just not the same. the only times i find myself excited and happy to see him, he somehow just lets me down and i just figure it'd be easier if i was on my own. but i'm too scared to be now. i know how much it will hurt and i don't think i want to have to cope with it again. i don't want to be alone. and i don't want to be with anyone else, either. i don't want to start again, and build up all that trust with someone else, and let them learn about me and my billion flaws, all over again. i do love him. and everything he's done for me. and the way he loves me. what if i never find someone else as good? i need to get out of here, i need more money. two things i can't do with him around, and i know this because i've tried. and i think i just don't love him the same.. the things he does that i used to find sexy, i now just find cocky and offputting.

i am so hungry but i am waiting so we can eat together. which was supposed to be now but it looks like it won't be for another hour or so. i am just so hungry :(