i fucking hate food and how much i love it. mum and dad are home which means the house is full of bread and cakes and biscuits and chocolate again and ugh. i wish i was strong enough to live on coffee and cigarettes i am confused about this relationship and where its going. i am so very in love with him but it scares the shit out of me. i can feel myself pulling back to protect myself. i can't tell him how much i like him.. he sort of told me he loved me, on the phone one night, he whispered it before he hung up and i didn't know what to do.. what if i only imagined him saying it? so i didn't say anything so now i know he won't say it again til i do. what i should have said was "love you lots boy" really confidently and casually and then it wouldnt have been a big deal why is it a big deal? its never been a big deal in any of my other relationships. and we used to say it all the time, when we were just friends. but now its like we're both too scared so it feels like.. we are just friends that hang out all the time and have sex. there is none of that romantic "zomg i love you so much" and as lame as it is, thats really what i want. i want to be in love with someone that is in love with me. i wish i knew how he felt maybe i should ask.. but i am so scared. i can't get hurt again like last time :( but then sometimes, the way he looks at me, i'm sure he feels the same way. and he wants to see me as much as i want to see him, and the way he kisses me, and holds me. but he seems to be holding back too hm :( and last night, we had a huge conversation about the world and what we're on it for. and we both just came to the conclusion that we need to enjoy life as much as possible which brought up the topic of relationships, and how we are only young and he said, as we were driving home, "so what would you do if when we got back to my driveway, i said i wanted to break up with you because i'm only young and need to have fun. would you be more understanding, after that conversation?" and i said that i would have been understanding anyway, that i came to the same conclusions a long time ago. i know the kind of guy that he is, and lets just say it surprises me thats he's been in a relationship with me for 2 months but then i started to worry. and we got back to his driveway and there was this big silence then he gave me this lovely long kiss and got out. gklfjgkfdl