i have been avoiding sitd because it makes me miserable. not completely sure why. but it seems to work because since i haven't been writing in here my life seems to have started going a lot better. although i guess that depends which way you look at it overall i am so much happier i am not completely desperate for someone to love me hah i actually want to be by myself i've met heaps of new friends lately.. true friends or not, that is yet to be discovered. fun friends though, that much atleast. friends to take my mind off things and give me hope that there is still plenty of good times to be had frustrated with boys though. seriously just want to be friends with them, but they always want more and when i turn them down, they don't want to be my friend anymore. feel like i've lead them on when really i haven't. so unfair! i have even taken to sleeping with one of them just to keep him happy. don't even like him that way but eh. so maybe THAT is leading him on.. but don't care anymore. just don't want to hurt him. i have gotten a tiny bit more organised. a tiny bit. i've actually been thinking a lot about the person i really want to be.. and i've set goals for myself. and i've been trying trying trying to stick to them, and it doesn't always work. but i am trying. and i figure every little habit i change helps. maybe i shouldn't try and change.. i know you're supposed to be yourself and stuff. but i am not satisfied with myself. this past week has been a bit fucked up though.. the first few days i was quite sick and i kinda convinced myself that i was pregnant. have since found out that i am not thank god. but was kinda scared and the fear led me to go on a bit of a bender thursday night. have never tripped out so bad in my life. i think my mind still isn't completely back to normal. totally embarassed too 'cus fairly sure i fucked him again, and if memory serves me correctly i felt totally numb and not sure what i was doing so it was probably terrible. hope he knows how fucked up i was last night got a tiny bit drunk fun times but when i got home i got into some kind of state of self hatred. kept waking up all through the night, just thinking "god i'm so fucking stupid why do i even exist" seriously hated self. not sure why. not particularly passionate thoughts.. kind of resigned. but really really hated self. then woke up at 5am to a text from someone unexpected saying that i was a good person with a good heart etc etc. it was really lovely. unexpected but lovely. made me feel better. but yeah overall feeling much better. or maybe just numb? who knows. goodbye again sitdiary!