omg thank u god!i hav a 3 day weekend 2 finish mi project 4 english!!!!!!!!yes!!!!!!cuz i procrastinated ...again an i didnt get shit done...whoa wata a relief!i feel like such an idiot 4 going overboard an getting mad at cris 4 sumthin kinda stupid ...i felt sooooo bad whn ashley told me how he waz feelin i felt worse whn i saw him dis mornin... i need 2 learn how 2 speak b4 i think...yea theres sumthin i havnt told any1 tht i need 2 get out.....well i nvr really wanted 2 go 2 garfield or hlyton or freedom...iv wanted 2 go 2 woodbridge Hs really bad ever since i found out tht they hav an a fine artz program. Dancing,writing,drawing...all the stuff i love 2 do plus more! i mean u can take courses in all tht stuff instead of math an science cuz really who needs math an science an history or english NEway?i really wanted 2 go there b/c how i figure iz tht if i do i might be able 2 actually accomplish sumthin,to make sumthin of miself an 2 4 once make mi parents really proud cuz i kno mi family has been through a lot of shit our whole live especially mi mom,an i kno i havnt made it any easier on thm with all the shit i do,an i wud give nething 2 have them trust me,an be proud of me,to feel like i actually belong to mi family. Cuz c,the thing iz as much as i wanted 2 go...i didnt even mention it 2 anyone(xcpt 4 a few dayz ago whn i told ashley) i kept it 2 miself 4 the longest time,i felt like i couldnt tell NE1,not mi parents,not mi Bf,not mi best friend not even mi brother..an i usually tell him everything...y?b/c i knew wat they wud say. An i didnt want 2 hav 2 listen to any of it,so i wudnt feel bad,especially mi parentz,cuz i knew tht they wudve started with shit like "thtz not a reall education,thtz not ur place 2 b,u should get a real education,graduate get a real job,"blah blah blah u can do tht in ur spare time...w/e r the chances of u succeeding?"blah blah blah an more shit like tht...i mean they r so UNsupportive,an OVERprotective...they dont beleive in wat i say,do,feel...sumtimes i feel like im adopted or an alien or sumthin cuz they really dont kno me at all...like last year i asked mi mom wat mi favorite color waz an she didnt kno...earlier this year she thought i waz in a gang cuz i wore sweatpantz!please tell me wat the hell would i be doing in a gang?!im not tht stupid!i cant believe tht she cud ever think tht tht jus goes 2 show how well she knos me...also mi dad,well i kno hes not mi real dad but itz like he is cuz hes been there 4 me since i waz a baby...he totally pisses me off sumtimes getting mad at stupid things makin stupid rules,now he thinks i might get knocked up!sumtimes hed jus look at me n say u better not hav any "surpries"wtf!IM 15!!!Y THE HELL WUD I WANA DO THT??!!!i cant wait till im out on mi own doin w/e i want whnever i want w/o rules or curfews,so y wud i wana b tied up wit a baby? yea no1 understands where im comin from,an i dont wana leave anyone but i feel like itz the only wayi can truly find miself,an finally discover new wayz to lose miself,an express mi self in .iv been dancing since i could walk an it alwayz calms me down or helps me relieve stress whn im zoning out in wat i love,even whn im writing or drawing itz the same.itz the only thing im good at iv alwayz been complimated on mi writng hard 2 beleive since i dont exactly hav the best grade in english but itz b/c i dont apply miself...itz borein shit tht im not intrested in,like lord of the flies who gives a fuck about those boys?i didnt even realy happen! But newayz mi parents r practically blind whn they c me.dont they kno tht the things they say an do hurt?dont they hear me whn i cry miself 2 sleep?dont they kno tht im afraid 2 tell them certain things?dont they understand the things tht r important 2 me?do they kno tht even tho i dont remember him,tht i feel a connection w/mi padrino?y cant they understand tht i hav mi reasons 4 the things i do?Dont they kno tht the only way i can express mi self is through mi artz?the only way im free,away from it all.can they c itz mi only escape whn mi world iz clouded with dust? dont they kno tht the last thing i wana do is disapoint them...i wish they wudnt treat me like a criminal...i try so hard but itz nvr enough no matter wat i do..an in " the end it doesnt evn matter"god sumtimes i wish i nvr existed,tht i had died instead of getting better whn i waz born sick.y couldnt i hav died whn i got tht high fever...whn they put me in the tub of ice....(mi mom says i didnt even react)...y?i dont understand y god keeps mi alive i really dont itz not like..im doin sumthin good 4 mankind....god im so CONFUSED!i dont kno where i stand,i wish i had sum answers..i bet i kno the answer 2 most of those questions....no,no one REALLY gives a damn even if they pretend im not one of those drama queen teen suicidal,"i hate mi life no one cares,no1 loves me"loco ppl....i kno tht much...im not tht at all.................im jus............................lost.