Holy crap. I feel like I could fall UNDER my bed. Like forget laying in it. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I have no idea how I stayed awake in any of my classes today. Ah man... This is insane. Anyways... Updates... Um... ooooooo... Yea. Last week... Thursday, I think. Cam came over. Cuz yea... I didn't have practice. That was interesting. We watched 'Deliver Us From Eva' and just hung out or whatever. So yea... That was cool. Um... Wednesday, of this week... We had the first day of Districts. That was alright I guess. I was pissed though cuz I had to do High Jump. And I not only didn't make it over the bar, I nearly broke my back cuz that shit hurts. My last jump though was perfect, but I think my leg hit it? I dunno... I was pretty close though, so that was cool. Then in Long Jump... Frickin Assante' of course jumped a 15'5", 14'10", and 16'1". And had the nerve to try to calm me down when I was pissed. Cuz yea... I definitely scratched 3 outta the 4 jumps I got, cuz I didn't get to get my mark down since I was high jumping and taping up my ankles. So yea... There was nothing cool about that. I was just straight bummed the fuck out. Then Triple Jump. OMG... It was too funny. Like my ankle got messed up mid-jump and at the same time I started to Long Jump instead of Triple Jump... lol... OMG... It was soooooo funny. Like... I don't even know... I was cracking up. Then at one point I definitely jumped from the wrong board. Cuz yea... I jumped and I was just like... 'hmmm... I went awful far'... lol... Good times, good times. But yea... In the end I PR'd and got like 29'7" or something like that. So that was cool. Then yesterday... Thursday. We did the running events. I did the 100m dash, the 200m dash, and the 400m dash. I got like 8th in the 100, 5th in the 200... I think, and 4th in the 400. Top 6 go to Regionals. So yea... I'm going to Regionals for the Long Jump, Triple Jump, 200m dash, and the 400m dash. I'm mad though, cuz the 4 x 4 team didn't make it to Regionals, cuz I wasn't on it, so we got like 5th and the top 3 teams go on. So yea... I was so mad. Cuz that means that Teri can't go... grrrrrr... Not cool. But yea... Simba wants attention and I want a nap, so I'm gonna go. ♥Erika

...To The Ones We "Love" I've been sick since Tuesday... Not fun. I think I'm allergic to Eduardo's bull-shit. That might be it... hehe... I should be a doctor. But yea... It sucks... The whole temp. of 100.8... Feeling like I'm gonna die... But obviously not dying. The enthusiastic, not being able to breath, move, think without everything hurting... It was so much fun... Now I'm just hungry as hell... Anyways... This week on... 'When Cheaters Get Caught'... Sike naw. But um... There was an interesting little soap opera goin on in my life for about 2 days... lol. Poor Eduardo panicked like the little bitch that he is and decided to take matters into his own hands, which he should never attempt to do again cuz he's not that smart. I found all kinds of flaws in it. He's just lucky Donut fell for him, cuz if she didn't feel the way she did, she probably woulda ended it with him. Cuz I'm sure she found the flaws, but she probably thinks it's just all of the past. Anyways... He took part of an entry I wrote, changed it around, said I sent it to Boom, and warned Donut about me. Which is funny, cuz I wrote the entry like 2 weeks before this whole thing happened. So if I told Donut something, don't you think she woulda told Eduardo by then... hm... Think dumb-ass... Think. I know it's hard sometimes, but I believe in you. Really I do... Anyways... Back to 'Love, Lies, and a Pengiun Lover'... He continued his charade by e-mailing himself and warning himself about me. Now I don't know if that last part is true, but if it is... Honey, you're stupider than I thought. WHO DOES THAT??? My God... How guilty can you get??? Why would you send the e-mail the day after you send Donut the message anyways? Is anyone else noticing the whole "late-ness" theme. You gotta go a little faster if you wanna play with the big kids Junior. Anyways... Back to the message I supposedly sent Boom: a) I haven't talked to Boom in a good minute. b) You could tell he added the shit at the end... Cuz well, I can spell... And he... We won't go there. Let's just say he has his own way of not being able to spell or type. It's kinda cute actually... In a dyslexic kinda way. c) If you're gonna make me out to be a bitch... Come up with your own shit... Be creative... You're a poet, you can't come up with something? d) You can't change dates on Yahoo accounts, but I really can't expect you to know that. So anyways... After I found out all this lovely news... I sent both him and Donut messages: Eduardo Subject: You are so full of it... Body: I would appreciate it if you would stop using me to cover up your infidelities. I would have never told Donut anything and you should have known that. Besides... Check the date on the diary dumb-ass, if I was gonna tell her I would've told her a LONG time ago. So get over yourself and stop digging your hole deeper. See Eduardo, that's what it really means to COPY and PASTE... Notice how my version and your version are exactly the same? I know... Freaky right? Donut Subject: No Subject Body: OK... Hi, I'm sure by now you know who I am, cuz it's been called to my attention that apparently I've been doing all this stuff that I know nothing about. So yea... I'm not messaging you to bad mouth Ito or anything at all. This is just to clear some stuff up. Someone told me that Ito sent you a message about something I sent to Boom. I haven't talked to Boom in months. And what he's saying I sent Boom is part of an online diary I have that he has the web address for. If you want the address to see what the entry really says, then just let me know and I'll get that for you. I was never going to say anything to you, because that's fucked up. Even if you had a right to know, you shouldn't have heard about any of it the way you did. And the stuff about Stacia is true, but that's my own issue so it's w/e. But if you ever want any information about any of it, it's up to you. You may not care cuz I definitely stopped talking to him back in like January, but if you do want to know, then just let me know. And by the way... Yahoo e-mail accounts don't let you change the dates or anything, so anything I send you honestly is the real deal, not something I tried to make up. But yea... It's up to you if you wanna know. I was really tempted to ask her to get Boom to forward that message to her. Then she could possibly send it to me. And notice I said forward, not that COPY, PASTE, and ALTER shit Eduardo likes to do, but that forwarding shit, to show that it actually came from ME. But of course they can't do that. But see how honest I was in that message? Now Eduardo... Repeat after me 1) I will not be a lying coward anymore. 2) I will not be a lying coward anymore. 3) I will not be a lying coward anymore. 4) I will not be a lying coward anymore. 5) I will not be a lying coward anymore. Repeat that 95 more times and we'll be good. Oh and another thing. I'm the one you played, so stop trying to make yourself the victim. I'm the one who did nothing but love and care about you while you did nothing but "love and care about" multiple girls. So don't try to act like I'm the enemy here. I'm just a girl who found out the truth and vented. You're the ass-hole who got caught... Panicked... And tried to cover his tracks. Which just goes to show how guilty you really are. I understand that compassion and actual human feelings may be too much for your "pretty boy" ego to understand, but get this... You hurt me, I got over it... You started this mess on your own. Don't use me to clean it up you ass wipe. I just hope you don't fuck up what you have with Donut. Not for your sake, but for hers. Cuz she actually believes in you and loves you. So consider someone elses feelings besides your own for once... For her. --------End Scene--------

Yea, so... Definitely didn't tell Donut anything. Over the whole Sherman thing, and now I'm just sore as hell... lol But yea... I mean... It woulda been fucked up to ruin Donut's happiness just cuz Ito wanted to be a dumb-ass and get caught. Hehe... That would suck for him if he thought that I really had messaged her and said something to her about it. Cuz yea... She definitely won't know anything about this unless he says something to her himself. Anyways... I'm sore. Dogwood Track Classics were Saturday... And wow... That was definitely 4/29... R.I.P. Buttercup... Anyways... We did pretty good. I woke up and pretty much fell back into bed on Sunday though. Other than that, it was cool... lol. Went to brunch with Nikki and my mom and yea... That was also cool. Then we went on a hike at this park we used to go to all the time when I was younger. So yea... Good times, good times... Anyways, I'm gonna go be fat and watch 'Rent' cuz we FINALLY found the movie... YAY!!! Ciao ♥Erika "How easily we lie to the ones we love." and You know what I'm talking about...

So... Sherman's moving in. My mom told me today. I had pretty much figured that out though. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Whether she believes it or not, I'm happy for her. And I was fully planning on telling her that until she started to make me feel like shit. Which she's so good at. Cuz life just wouldn't be the same w/o using Erika as a punching bag. I'm an ill-tempered, immature, self-involved, spoiled, rude brat. Those weren't her exact words, but the paraphrasing isn't wrong. She said Nick talked to her. Thanks a bunch Nick... At least this time I know where her wrath came from. And once again it was one of those everything was fine until she decided she wanted to make me as pissed as possible moments... Don't you just love those moments??? I know I do. She's mad because I haven't cleaned the room she trashed. I could understand if I was the one that had gone in and literally thrown all the books and stuff on the floor... But I wasn't. She was. Apparently she's forgotten that. But even if I pointed it out she would use the fact that we were moving the bookshelf as an excuse. Well most ppl, put the stuff back on the bookshelf. And also... Seeing as the shelf comes in parts, we coulda moved it without the tossing of notebooks. As lame as it seems it pisses me off. If I didn't fucking trash the room, I sure as hell am not gonna clean it for some bitch who wants to try to pin it on me. She was like... "You've been home all week and you haven't even thought about cleaning that third room. Cuz you need your mommy to tell you." FUCK YOU BITCH!!! She's complaining about dishes... Which I have washed... So wtf is her problem??? She complains about me not saying 'hi' to Sherman. Fine... Next time I'm pissed off at her I'll say 'hi' with an attitude just so I can get yelled at anyways. And maybe if I actually had a choice in activities that include Sherman, I wouldn't be so sullen about it. Maybe if I actually got asked I would be fine with it. But no it's just, "Erika we're going to dinner with Sherman. Go ahead and throw a fit, but you're going." Who would really want to go after that. She doesn't understand that it's not Sherman I have the problem with. It's her. I can't stand being around her anymore. She's Super Bitch whenever ANY of her friends are around. Quick to make me feel like a dumb-ass. She says I don't talk to her friends. Fine... Next time one of her friends is over, I'll do exactly what she does when my friends are over. I'll make her seem like a total brat and a total jerk. And she says that if she asked me to do something with Sherman I would say no. Well seeing as I've never had an opportunity to not be forced to do something with Sherman... DUH!!! Of course I'm gonna say 'no'. OMG... I'M SO FRICKIN PISSED!!! I think I might go throw some books around. I mean... Since they're already bent and torn and broken and shit anyways... Why not just make a bigger mess??? I think I'm just gonna start being the daughter she hates... Seeing as she already sees me in that way anyways...

Well... Well... Well... Eduardo is mad at me... hm... I find that slightly ironic... Seeing as he's the one that played me... Stacia... hm... w/e. She was his girlfriend... I think... when he was here. I bet he was sending her little e-mails saying... 'Ooooh baby, you know I love you.' and 'oooooh baby, I'll be there with you soon.' You know... The usual playboy bullshit. It's funny cuz when I met Eduardo, I figured him for the ass-hole type. But then I got to know him... Or I thought I was getting to know him... And yea... I fell in love... And now this. So glad we never had sex. That would make things SOOOOOOOOO much harder. Now I'm just kinda over it. Cuz I found out last week, so I've cooled down. I sent him a message on Myspace saying I was mad, that I wasn't gonna tell him what it was I figured out but that my little confession of figuring something out was my way of forgiving and moving on... And yea... That caused the anger. Or maybe it was the part where I asked if he was gonna change his Myspace page, cuz... I don't even remember... Something was wrong with it and I was trynna change the subject. But yea... Didn't really work too well. He was like... 'What's with all the questions? You know what I don't even wanna know already.' So yea... Anyways... Maybe he'll read this and see why I was pissed. He came on here once. He probably doesn't remember the site though. Anyways... Back to the message I had sent him. I gave him a bunch of clues... He was just so intent on trynna figure out what the hell I was talking about that he was too oblivious... Don't you just love that word?... to see what the hints were. Like... 'Who's the first girl you ever said I love you too?' He said that that girl was me... I know for a fact that it wasn't. I dunno if it was Stacia or not... But it sure as hell wasn't me. Guys... No matter how much you think your girl wants to hear something like that... Don't lie to them about that kind of shit. But the part that pisses me off a bit more is that... He was not only playing me and Stacia... He was possibly playing Nyeshia and Teri too. He claims he never had feelings for Teri... But hmmm... Who was rolling around in his bed? Who was he trynna fuck??? I mean... I won't lie... I was also in his bed... And he also tried to fuck me... But I also got played. Then there's the whole virgin thing... I'm not even sure I believe that anymore... Actually I really don't. I'm sure he's not a virgin now. But before... hm... Makes you wonder... And then poor Donut... I feel almost obligated to let her know that her "man" is a lying sack of shit who likes to lie to girls and knows that for the most part... He can get away with it. I feel obligated to send her each and every e-mail that jack-ass ever sent me. Maybe I'll even try to send them from his account. Just forward them to her. But that requires a password... Whatever, I could just send them from my account. It's still credible. And then poor Stacia. That fucker... I can't even imagine how she coulda felt after all the shit he probably put her through. Like when he first went back to school over there, he gave her a kiss on the cheek or something and he kept going on and on about how someone was making it a big deal and how pissed he was. It makes sense now. Cuz I thought he was a little over-heated about it. I thought maybe he was just worried about how I would feel about that. Now I see he was just worried about getting caught. And also... All those little comments she would leave him on his Myspace page... It makes sense. All the little... 'I love you's and 'I missed you's... It makes perfect sense. That fucking ass-hole. OMG. Yea... I'm kinda mad all over again. But I do have to give him props. He almost got away with it... Almost. I feel tempted to bribe him for those shoes he promised me... hm... Plans are formulating... Oh and if anyone's wondering where I get all of this lovely knowledge... A good reporter never reveals her sources... :-) My mom always said it was the Pretty Boys you gotta look out for... Charismatic bastards... He's probably proud of himself. Him and Malik probably had a good laugh over this... hmm... I'm not sure why I'm surprised... I saw it coming... ♥Erika

I hate day lights savings time. Mostly because I forgot to set my clock, cuz honestly I didn't even know and yea... Me and my mom aren't speaking so she didn't say anything either. So this morning I woke up a good hour late and my mom wouldn't give me a ride to school. So yea... I'm here... At home... With her... On the bright side the internet works again. So that's always, always good. I hate being home alone... With her... When we're fighthing, cuz I always end up being in my room crying... Over EVERYTHING!!! I definitely went to my room locked the door and blasted Avril Lavigne. And then when the CD was over I got up and started cleaning my room. I was just like... "OK... Now that that's over with, let me go do something productive, rather than feel sorry for myself." And I must say my room looks pretty damn good too. Anyways, I gotta go finish cleaning... And then maybe take a nap. Or go run, since I'm obviously not gonna be at practice today... This bites... SOOOOOOOO BAD!!! I had even thought I had woken up on time. Like I had packed all my shit the night before. I went to bed on time. I was gonna make breakfast. And now this... Frickin hate this house...

Joe's gone... I was crying earlier. This sucks so bad. He was like my support group, my friend, and my annoyance all in one. OMG... I'm gonna miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Cuz yea... I was definitely starting to like him again... And now this... Every guy in my life let's me down...

grr... I hate being the single friend... It sucks so bad. Especially with Teri always bitching about Deon... Course that's just how Teri deals with emotional stuff so I can't be too mad. But yea... A lot of girls would love to be in her position, but she knows that... She's not stupid. Talked to Eduardo Wednesday... I think... Yea... Interesting. I think I feel like this cuz I was looking at a bunch of old conversations I've had with him... And yea... Memories... Not always a good thing. Not when they make you sad like this. Frickin A... And him and his frickin perfect relationship with Donut... GAH!!! Screw them... Course they're probably doing that right as I type this... That's horrible, but possible. They are on Spring Break so he's probably over at her house now... Or vice versa... w/e. I kinda hate them... Him more than her though, cuz I don't know Donut. I kinda miss the kid... Or just the feeling of having someone that cares... I guess??? I don't know. I'm so confused... I'm almost positive I don't want him back, cuz he's an ass-hole and yea... all that good stuff. But I do miss talking to him. Cuz he was good to talk to... When he was paying attention. I don't know... I'm truly lost by this... ♥Erika "...I need you now Lord carry me high. Don't let the world break me tonight. I need the strength of You by my side. Sometimes this life can seem so cold. I pray You'll come carry me home..."

tra la la... I'm soooooooooooo tired... I got like 2 hours of sleep last night and I'm about to get just as much tonight cuz I have two projects I gotta do. Well not really projects, they'll be easy. But I'm a frickin perfectionist... So yea... This should be fun... Anyways, I'm District Champ for the 55m dash... Honestly don't know if I mentioned that. But yea... Got 6th in the Region and now I'm going on to States on Friday. Based on my times for Regionals, which sucked so badly, I'm in the top 12 range to go onto Finals at States. Now all I gotta do is run faster to make sure that I'm DEFINITELY gonna be able to go to Finals. Anyways, I'm talking to Eduardo right now... Virus on my comp... Messed up passwords... This whole thing... Dont' feel like typing it out right about now. Anyways, I'm gonna go finish my "projects"... "For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision: But today well lived Makes yesterday a dream of happiness, And every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day." Sanskrit Proverb

*sigh*... Cam... ha... Yea OK... Waiting for Justine to come get me... I'm tired... I should get some food. I hope they haven't called and I just didnt' hear the phone... ha... That would suck. She said it'd be like 10 something... I think. I dunno. Anyways, not much has happened. I am the District Champ for the 55m dash!!! Yay. I got 2nd for the Long Jump and the 300m dash. I'm qualify for Regionals for the 55m dash, 300m dash, 500m dash, 4x200 relay, and Long Jump. I'm only doing the relays, Long Jump, and the 55m dash. Then I'm going to States for the 55m dash. Joe's going for the 55m dash too. Um... Ricky's starting to get that look. That I-know-we-broke-up-but-I-think-I'm-starting-to-like-you-again look. Even Teri saw it... That's not good. That look needs to go away now... Cuz I like Ricky and everything, but not like that... Not anymore. I'm not even sure I ever did. I dunno. Valentine's Day blew the big one... It sucked. Well, not really. But I hate V-Day cuz I'm always alone... lol. Except I went to Katrina's house, but then her boyfriend and girlfriend came over. Tasha had already given K her present, but Brian brought his. And it was sickeningly cute... ugh... lol... Naw, it was sweet. And Katrina was all happy cuz she was pissed before thinking that Brian hadn't gotten her anything, then he surprised her. It was cool. Then he busted his ass on the ice... lmfao... OMG... That was frickin hilarious. Then me and Tasha were eatting ice cream outside and when Brian fell we were like: "Hurting? Busted your ass? There's no better time for a pint of Haagen Daz. Coffee flavor preferred." OMG... It was soooo funny!!! And we were trying sooo hard not to laugh at Brian. Good times. But yea... Not much else happened on V-Day. I didn't get anything... *tear*... But I really wasn't expecting to get anything, so Oh well. Whatshisface finally got his Nintendo and shirt. I'm mad cuz I had to call him and ask if he'd gotten the package yet, then like 3 hours later he texted saying he got it. I was so mad, cuz if I had just waited I wouldn't have had to call him. Oh well... Yea... Him and Donut seem happily in love or in deep like. Whatever, it's love... Whether they think so or not. He's over at her house now... I think. It's like 5 AM over there, so he could be home now... WHY DO I CARE??? Anyways... We had a parade on Friday. All the teams that are going to Regionals or went to Regionals got to parade around the school and all the classes stood in the halls watching us. It was kinda fun. And I got to see the Basketball team. Our dream team. And Hugh was trynna make Cam jealous by giving me a hug. And all Cam did was look at him and be like, "What you lookin at me for niggah?"... It was funny. Then Joe was an ass and didn't wear any Freedom gear. But it's Joe, so everybody knew he wouldn't. Anyways, I'ma go eat before Justine gets here... ♥Erika P.S. 'Karma' fits my situation perfectly... lol

I'm so tired right now. I'm definitely about to get offline. I'm over at Aretha's house now watching Along Came Polly with Emily. I kinda slipped up. I sent Eduardo a comment on Myspace. Yea... I'm kinda mad at myself for that. I really am... lol. Oh well, it's over and done with. He didn't really comment back or anything. He probably doesn't care... Eh... It's all good. But I really want a boyfriend... lol. But I don't really like anybody. I mean I kinda do, but nobody that's boyfriend material, ya know? Oh well... Gotta focus on track now anyways, so that's all good I guess. Anyways, I'm gonna go now, cuz I have absolutely nothing else to type about. Ciao peeps. ♥Erika I don't know who you are, but I love you...

It's all falling apart... Does he even care?

Yo... I feel... Like... Shit. All week I've been getting up late... Like an hour late... Not good. I was used to getting a call to wake me and yea... That's not happening anymore... Yea... Yesterday was Eduardo's b-day. I texted him and told him Happy Birthday or w/e... Still haven't sent his shit... I really wanna get rid of it. Cuz yea... It makes me think of him and that's never a good thing. That just leads to the whole... Crying, Sadness, and Just... Annoying-ness... I know everybody's getting tired of me being not "Over it" or w/e... But I mean, I'm doing the best I can. And yesterday my coach was being an ass-hole... OMG I was late to practice cuz I had to take pics for the yearbook and then I had to Ms. Janik's to make up a test. And well I found out that I was failing math and yea... That didn't exactly put me in a good mood. So then the test I had to make up, I had NO IDEA wth was on that test. So I just kinda crumpled it up, threw it on her desk, and went to practice. So as I'm walking up to the track, the head coach got outta his car and looked at me and the first thing outta his mouth was, "Girl, you still failing Math?"... And seeing as I actually was failing, I didn't find that very funny. So I didn't say anything and I just kinda looked at him and kept walking. And he was like: coach: Erika go home. me: I'm already here and I'm dressed out. coach: Just go home. me: I don't have a ride until the activity bus comes so I might as well stay and practice. coach: Well, there's no point in me getting mad at you cuz you're in a bad mood. GO HOME! me: Fine... w/e So I had to go back to the school... And yea... We're not allowed to just be at the school, so they kicked me out and made me go back to the track. And apparently Coach W was just PMSin that day cuz he was being bitchy with everybody and he was killin them at practice. Even Joe was having issues... And Joe usually never has issues. Then I got a track meet tomorrow... That should be rather interesting... Cuz yea... I haven't talked to C.W. since yesterday cuz practice got cancelled today. Whatever, I'm so done with Freedom. I might be going to G-F next year. I shouldn't have ever went to Freedom to begin with. Nothing but bullshit from that school. I actually kinda miss being a Freshman. Shit was fun last year. Now there's absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING. And everybody's always saying I look mad or high or some shit... lol... I walked up today to class and Salita was just like, "You look like you bout to WHOOP somebody's ASS!" And yea... I was definitely in the mood for it... If anyone had pissed me off today... There would have been issues. And then my eyes were all puffy so I could barely keep them open. Cuz yea... Puffy eyes and tired-ness never go good together. They were puffy cuz I was like crying all last night. My slight breakdown... Always fun... Sike. And I almost gave in... Eduardo's grandmother fell yesterday and had to wait for his mom to drive up to New York to take her to the hospital when her son is like an hour away... Or something like that. And yea... I wanted to call him soooo badly... But I didn't... I dunno... w/e... He has Donut now... I'm just gonna focus on... Me... And not failing... Yea... Never had grades this bad before. I'm kinda... Freaking over this. Haven't talked to my dad since Christmas. I never even wished him a Happy New Year... I hope he's doing OK. Then my Grandfather. I wonder how he's doing. Haven't talked to him since New Years. He's was bummed cuz my Aunt and Uncle left him alone to go get drunk or laid or w/e the hell they did. Stress... Always stress... Screw stress... It's stupid... w/e, I'm out. I gotta go get ready for the frickin b-ball game... Go Eagles!!! WHOOO!!! ♥Erika

I said Goodbye to Eduardo today. Time to move on. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I love him so much, but... I can't do it anymore. I know I've been saying that forever, but this time I think it's really for real. I kinda miss him already... But I think I'll be fine. I'm still sending him his X-mas present... I know late-ness. But yea... I said I'd send it to him. It's like I've told him from the beginning. There's only so much I can take. And it feels like since he left he's been testing that. Well, the test is over. I've reached my limit. I can't sit around thinking, "maybe this time he'll choose me. maybe someday he'll come back for me." I can't take it. And Anthony definitely didn't make me feel any better. "so yea, he's saying that he can't reach you so it's not worth it to him, or at least that's wat I think, but see I know better he jus doesn't want to tell you he can't stand it" I kinda hate him right now. The last thing I want to hear is that Eduardo thinks I'm not worth. Cuz that's already how I feel so why the HELL would he say something like that. He says the worst possible thing at the best time. GOD I hate this. w/e... It's over... I'm moving on...

Yea, so um... I'm 16 now... And it's kinda cool... lol. Naw, I'm really happy. Today I'm gonna have my little "party". Rented out a hotel room and yea... Gonna use their pool and then just hang out for a bit. Yep... That be the plan... lol. I hope it's fun, cuz no offense Cris, but his kinda sucked and I don't want that to happen with mine. ANYWAYS, I gotta try to stay awake so I can call Eduardo and handle some 'business'... Damn abusive boyfriends. Ya'll really think you're somethin, huh? Well you're not... FYI... Dumbass punks. Anyways, I'm out... Peace...

I'M ALMOST 16!!! YAY!!! lol... Yea, I'm a little excited in case ya'll can't tell... :-). I can't wait. It's gonna be so much fun at school tomorrow... If we have school. Teri said she was gonna bring me tiara to wear wit a 16 on it, and we plan on taken like 20,000 pictures... lol. Alright, I should go write the paper that was due today. Thank God for snow days man... ♥Erika

A bunch of stuff has happened I guess. I still talk to Eduardo... And yea... He was telling me all this stuff about how he still loved me and everything. And I dunno... One big confusing thing. He still goes out with Donut. It's been 1 month and 5 days. Me and Ricky have been going out for 9 days. We don't really have anything in common and we really don't have anything to talk about... lol. So it's kind of a waste, but kinda not cuz I do like him. I dunno... He's different from Eduardo. He treats me like I'm too good for him. Whenever he makes a joke he expects me to take it seriously and freaks out... It's kind of annoying. I wish he would just relax. But yea... Anyways...My mom has me in therapy now. The woman's kind of annoying. I don't really like her, because I just don't feel comfortable talking to her about stuff that's really bothering me and when I do start to open up about it she tries to talk about something else that I guess she thinks is more important. I dunno... She's frickin annoying. But back to Eduardo. I miss him so much... I just wish he was here, but at the same time I don't. His grandmother has breast cancer, so I feel like I should be there for him. I dunno... I wanna see him so bad. I wanna hug him. Just have him here. But that's not gonna happen. At least not any time soon. He talks about all these feelings and everything. But I'm not gonna see him for at least 7 months and a lot can happen in 7 months. We might not even be talking. Him and Donut may have decided to get married or some shit by then. He might have even forgotten about me. I dunno... Confusion. I wanna tell him to forget about me and just enjoy Hawaii as best he can, even though he still has family issues, at least I won't be adding to his problems. I love him and I always will, but I just feel like a burden at times. And I feel horrible for doing this to Ricky. Apparently he has a history of having girls play him cuz he's had friends come up to me and practically threaten me about it, and yea... I'm tellin them "Oh that's not my style." but at home I'm tellin Eduardo how I feel about him and all that shit and it's too much for me. I've been so depressed... Over boys!!! WTF... I need to just get over it, we both need to just move on and try to get lives that don't revolve around wondering "What if...?" Cuz we'll never know. What if Eduardo had stayed? Would we have let ppl know that we liked each other? What if he had stayed? How many of my friends would I still have after they found out? What if he had stayed? Would we still be together? What if he had stayed? Would we end with some terrible fight? So many questions... so many possible answers. But the truth is we really will never know, so we should just move on and forget about it... Whatever, I'm gonna go... Do something... I should probably run or something... w/e... Ciao...

At what point do the tears run out?

He lied... He pissed me off... He probably doesn't even realize that I'm mad... That ass-hole. I HATE HIM!!! I TRUSTED HIM!!! and he lied...

eh... Not in the best mood right now. Bored as shit too. My mom's pulled one of her infamous disappearing acts... She's been gone for a coupla hours now... I really wish I could do that. Just be like "I'll be back in a bit" and not show up til hours later. There's no tellin where she is, what she's doin, who she's with, when she'll get back, or what kinda mood she'll be in when she gets back. At this point I don't really care. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of bullshit. I'm just tired... period. And I feel lonely as hell man. I don't even know why. I've got Jennifer, I've got Evelyn, I've got Anthony, and most importantly, I've got Eduardo... kinda. But I dunno... This year just sucks ass. Cuz it's different not havin a friend in like all of my classes. Cuz last year I had Teri pretty much in every class. This year I barely see her and she's mad at me anyways. So yea... Kinda miss the conceited bitch (her words not mine). I dunno... School just seems so frickin pointless this year. I joined a bunch of clubs and since I'm not doin Cross Country, I might actually get to do somethin in those clubs before indoor season... Maybe that'll help out a bit. And I need glasses or contacts or bi-focals. Somethin, cuz I can't see AT ALL. But of course, my dad's being... My dad. I think something's wrong with him. Knowing him, he'd never tell anybody. But I'm really starting to get worried. I know I complain about him all the time, but I don't want anything to happen to him. I may not like him very much, but I still love him and he's still me dad... I dunno... I just have a lot on my mind. Everythings so fucking confusing and complicated and yeayeayea... Life's not supposed to be fair... blah blah blah... It still sucks. hmm... She returns... I should go do something that looks productive...