Today I find that loneliness of a tree surrounded by sidewalk that one light in the darkness suddenly talking to myself that rediscovering how alone I am in this world that red in the sea of blue and green Belief that I can't find true love because belonging means choosing staying on that simple path through the woods is not for me. I run because pain is my comfort zone where I belong wondering alone through the thickest of woods continuously fighting and scrapping myself letting the ruby color cover my skin this is home to me and it's sad that being happy is always short lived I choose this life

I know I sound silly to you on the phone with my overly dramatic emotions and my baby voice call but that's just how I say miss you when I'm not close to home miss your soft blue eyes your honeysuckle hair and your sweet smile that melts me everytime I wish you were here in my arms your warm laugh and bear hugs that get me through the roughest nights

there is a lot going on in my life right now. An old, Idk what to call him, "fuck buddy" for lack of a better term is friends with my roommate and I am trying to play nice. He seems to think things are fine but I still don't think we will ever be friends. But life tends to throw me curve balls when I least expect to see them. With him back in my life I've been thinking a lot about "him". The person that sexual abused me when I was 13. My friend says I tend to down play it but I've gotten over it enough to put perspective on it. It relates cause the "fuck buddy" claimed I raped him after 3 weeks of us fooling around. It was the 4th time we'd fooled around that I "raped him". but that is just one of the things in my life. My boyfriend is leaving me for the marines. He has complete faith in our relationship lasting and I have non what-so-ever. from past experiences of course I know that I am no good with long distance. but again time will only tell. I need a job for the summer but I don't want to apply because of personal issues with being rejected. I'm nervous about grades but here I am complaining instead of doing homework. typical I want to go to europe after I graduate but I haven't figured it out yet, because I don't know what I want out of life. But Im sure everyone has issues. they come and they go and they are a part of life. but I find that they are flooding back after a weekend with my boyfriend, relaxing without a care in the world.

My poems might not be superb to you they might be to underdone with less colors, objects and places to see but to me they are my one they let me express myself when I find it hard to speak out loud they let me find my cue when I am no where to be found they are my life, my salvation what lets me sleep at night they show my true emotions without causing anyone to fight but it's my feeling and my thoughts not yours and your trained eye so diss them all you want I say just let me be by my side.

I don't think I can go back I can't start over again not knowing what I know not being where I've been you've left you mark of red lines on my forearm like so many before I always pretend to fall to deep but I'm always prepared to move on I know that we need to be civil I know that things will be alright but starting over isn't an option for me not after what you did that night letting me cry myself to sleep wishing for my knight you weren't there for it then and you will never have the chance again. so even though we can not be friends we can calmly sit by one anothers side. pretending that things are normal and pushing our differences aside

You failed messed up Made fools of us all with your ruby blood you let spill on the hard wood ground. Your reassuring smile seems crazy now as I grab your hand that dishonesty grips mine my face can’t help but notice this God forsaken place with walls of grey and floors turned red The reason still haunts me if only you had let go. You were always running from my warm comforting arms like they were poison to your crust. Pain became your only friend, when you refused to let others in. Waterfalls from your eyes but still you choose to be tough letting us believe your lies of foolish negligence now it’s getting late the ambulance is moving too slow your eyes are loosing focus searching for a star that will never show and your heart is loosing hope with every drum beat that goes by the clock ticks reverberate as I wait for you to die I could have been your home, your rock, or your guide rejection stung like a thousand pins and needles. But it’s worse now seeing you lie on the ground, like… the knife wound made upon your arm stuck into my heart as well.

tonight I dine with a sadden heart tonight you feast on the only part of me that was whole again A piece of me that would have fit in you hate me I get it but you only forget that I once was there

today I remember everything you 've done and everyone you've hurt where you stand and where you weren't you were supposed to be here stay by my side not leave me alone with nothing but pride

today it seems like everything is fine but tomorrow the craziness will feel less than divine I can't wait to sleep with my calming dreams real life is harder than it seems I'll just rest for a while, for tomorrow will come all to soon but tonight I will to stay in this dream with you.

So it's summer, I feel like I have no friends and I don't want to do this paper. I really fail at life. I did find a guy i'm really into. He likes me we spent 3 amazing weeks together in Uganda and now he's in chicago and i'm stuck here in des moines. By the way he's real good friends with a guy who thinks that i raped him, after we had fucked 3 times the fourth was rape because I was wasted off my ass. again I see how drunk sex has skewed me over figuratively. oh well it's really my fault. I hate fakes and I continue to surround myself with them because there is a lack of real people in this world. I think I am bi-polar or maybe I just like making shit up to feel special. I am pretty self centered but that is just because no one else seems to care. now I sit in the shower trying to forget about my life and focus on this paper.

What is so wrong with me? Why do guys decide to cut all ties with me and pretend I don't exist after being so nice to me for a week? what the fuck am I doing wrong here?

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 wish I could cuddle with you and that we could share our pain. But you fell asleep and I can’t really explain. wish I didn’t like you while wishing you felt the same but sitting here crying is not my type of game. I don’t need complications, or a guy who can’t hold me tight and I don’t want your love if you can’t even say goodnight. I was fine before I met you, and losing a friend is nothing that’s new. Sometimes I wish I could just forget you, I would like to love you and share your hopes and dreams, if you can’t love me back understand that this is not what it seems. I always pick the wrong guy, the one that will make me cry. I don’t know why I do it when I would rather just end this and die. I’m an emotional wreck if you haven’t guessed it by now. I can’t give you my affection because no one taught me how. So if it seems to you like I’m distant and afraid, it’s only because of how I was made. My past constantly haunts me. Telling me why I’m useless and alone. I wish we could have this talk in person and not over the phone. If you want me to stop texting and calling your name, I’ll leave you alone so you don’t have to bother with the shame.

I've been sitting in this room for hours on end think of things that have yet to mend my lonely heart, the scares on my wrist my little black shoes, and a friend I will miss I have yet to see how this will all play out I still hope for the best while trying not to shout But Sometime the pain balances out all the pleasure and you have to wonder will our lives be any better?

Is it good to talk to an ex if you aren't really sure you are over him? maybe I can see how bad he was why we shouldn't be together I just hope this doesn't hurt He put me threw way to much for me to ever run back to his arms What we had was amazing. but it will never be the same

It's sort of liberating not liking anyone. I've either been in a relationship or I've been crushing on someone for so long that I didn't know how it felt just to be myself. It's liberating, this feeling of freedom. I'm not running around having sex but I'm truly happy in an odd way. Building friendships and worrying about school work and not about some guy. I feel weird though, like I'm missing something from my life. Maybe I'll just get used to it. It would be nice to be stable for a while.

so my life has never been perfect. most of the time I blame myself for these faults and make excuses for other people. but now I feel like I should be focusing more on my happiness than other peoples. I can't make everyone happy and I certainly skew myself over in the process. Men complicate my life and add unnecessary drama. I think I'll just stick with loving myself, I mean I've been in a love/hate relationship with myself for almost 20 years. I should really stick with what I know.

I've made some mistakes changed my mind a dozen and a half times I can't say what I want Just what I've done wrong But Its my life and I will live it without looking back without a regret and with the love of those close to me I choose to be different and unique and nothing can stop me from being me I hope somethings will change for me. now that I know what I want in a guy I'll stop being so desperate and I hope to be less of a whore. I want to look at myself and be proud of who I am. I am a strong and beautiful women and I can't keep putting myself down. I won't let others put me down either. so here is to a new year and a happier and more confident me.

do i wait around because i think we could be something great or leave because i will always feel like a second choice to him??

I'm wide awake and so alive Ringing like a bell Tell me this is paradise And not someplace I fell 'Cause I keep on fallin' down I wanna feel the car crash I wanna feel the capsize I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'Til I'm satisfied I wanna feel the car crash 'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside I wanna let go and know That I'll be alright, alright Just push me 'til I have to fly I've shed my skin, my scars Take me deep out past the lights Where nothing dims these stars Nothing dims these stars I wanna feel the car crash I wanna feel the capsize I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'Til I'm satisfied I wanna feel the car crash 'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside I wanna let go and know That I'll be alright, alright So right It's all wrong I'm wide awake and so alive I wanna feel the car crash I wanna feel the capsize I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'Til I'm satisfied I wanna feel the car crash 'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside I wanna let go and know That I'll be alright, alright

I won't shed a tear won't show you the pain I will never give you that satisfaction because you went away and you will never know how much it hurt to watch you walking away with her