I’ve had to live without you for almost two days. What do they know I’ve seen you everyday. Whether it was two hours Or five minutes. Those spans of time are the ones I look forward to most when I open my eyes at sunrise. They’re the ones that consume my thoughts When they stand there and preach their laws of cosine and sine. They’re the ones that somehow manage to flow into my every thought and envelope my every desire. The ones that keep me awake at night, And make me wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve someone as perfect and amazing as you. But they’re the ones that put me to sleep at night. They’re the comfort I seek in your arms, only Second best. Have I told you, you’re the last thing I see when I lay my head upon my pillow and put my thoughts to rest, and the first thing I wake up to when the rooster calls? I can’t fathom what I would do if you were to stop talking to me, stop holding me, stop creating the bubble of security you do. Have I yet to mention your eyes? How I could stare into them for hours Upon hours Upon hours. Upon end? They swallow me, leaving spots of sea salt on my fingertips, you know how when sea salt evaporates, you have little spots left? That’s what your eyes do to me, imprint themselves on the inside of my eyelids. I like how we’ve never made out, you’ve never pressured me into anything I didn’t want to do. I like how I don’t have to question whether or not you like me. I like how it’s all there. The fact that you’re magical.

how long must i wait for you? its true i pray for you though i dont know you are you thinking of me or havent i crossed your mind would you pray for me? please do.. then i realize theres nothing i can do its not on my time, only up to You we;re driving down this road that we call life its just in my own head, we'll be there real soon will it be a year or two till i meet you? and i;ll be here for you when the time comes along and are you just like me or are we different? and i can;t wait to see your face. then i realize theres nothing i can do it;s not on my time, wholly up to You we're driving down this road that we call life its just in my own head we'll be there real soon

its just been a bad few days. last nite, was okay, but my car door flew open in the middle of 105. and that wasn't cool. not to mention not scary. but it WAS a sign that we should go to subway. which we did, after we went to salvation army. at which i bought a cool sweater, and a vest with scottie dogs, a pair of plaid pants and a suitcase. oh! and a shirt from Branson, Mo with hummingbirds and flowers and then bumper stickers that say I'll always be a country kid at heart. then we went to subway, where in the parking lot of starbucks, we spotted superman with a cape and a cigarette, with whom, we have a photograph. and ate subway clubs on italian herb and cheese bread with everything except jalepenos and extra pickles with mayo and sweet onion sauce...nummy. we went to carmens and had a jolly old time taking photographs in our new clothes then we gathered in my van where the door doesnt close and the door doesnt open and drove over to jon silverdahl's house. me alli and beth stayed there and watched phantom of the opera on the projector/trees. it was nifty. then brando picked us up and we went and dropped off alli, due to her 11:00 curfew. and we stopped abruptly, caused by a red light. Beth's discombobulated body was sent flying into the air, while my leg mingled with the edge of my suitcase which felt the need to scrape off skin as well as leave a major bruise. at carmen's again, we ate cupcakes and then i brought Chelsea to her car, which was at my house, and then i turned around and went back. the third time at carmen's, we went to carmen's room and sat on her bed. well, more like everyone laid upon each other in a heap. it was, well, rather awkward. jon was making lewd comments about how hot brooke was.time for jon to leave. jump in the car. through two doors, the front two, the back sliding one doesnt seem to want to open OR stay shut. brandos huge excursion feels the need to be so huge it takes up two parking spots in the driveway. so i proceed to back out, being extra cautious as to not hit the stupid vehicle. instead. i hit the tree. i bring jon home, whilst carm adn brando cling to each other in my backseat. return to carmens, yet again, barely pulling into the driveway, a little fourteen year old who looks a little like me, decides now would be a good time for her to tell me she would like a ride home. normally, this wouldnt have been such a big deal, had my car decided not to be stupid and my frustration&irritation level up 29475%. i dont know. so i freaked at that. and started crying. i ended up driving her home, while she managed to freak out at me, telling me how im the spaz and all these wonderful things a person needs to hear when she's angry and frusterated. carmie came over and spent the nite with me. i needed that. im glad i have her around. 7:00 wake up call. go upstairs and watch moochie and duane. i fall asleep. carm ends up babysitting, which i always feel bad about. she says its no big deal, but still. mom and dad come home, after madi has left. mom tells me i need to communicate more wiht madi in order to avoid things like this. but excuse me, when was it my responsibility to be her taxi? never, as far as i was aware. eat lunch talk to carlee talk to joanna mom i guess was going to drop off duane at a friends house. i quick put on my plaid pants and moose sweater and run to the car.mom tells me i cant go dressed like that so i leave my purse in the car and go get on jeans a red long sleeve shirtwith a black children shirt with red over it. and then the scottie dog vest. nope cant wear that either. i proceed to find out that duane has decided its nessecary to take MY purse i bought yesterday adn take all my things out of it and dump them all over the seat. Great. so i grab my stuff and try to grab the purse, to which, she resists. mom interveins, grabs my purse and throws it to duane. i tell her that i know she hates me and whatnot. storm into my room. she follows me adn tells me how i need my room to be clean before i leave for punk rock prom. and we all know how much i love that. and madis gettin rather sickening always calling me selfish and whatnot. being as she is the perfect one. the only reason she'd be prefect is because she tries to be me. always saying "your face" which was started by me at sarah's and i know i shouldnt start this whole copying thing because i know im evidently not so orignial, as everyone has proceeded to tell me multiple times. i just. i hate it when she does it. its her. its all her. i swear she hates me. no, really. she is always on everyone else's side. sarah's going to prom. getting dressed as i type this. and im so sad. i want to be there. i want to see her, i know she'll be beautiful, just as jenna was last nite. i just. i dontknow. prom...was one of our big plans. something we never said out loud but knew it would be something we'd do together. all of us. and now i dont know whats going on. i just..i wish i could be there.

On the first day, I give him time and flowers. I unlock my closet of oragami paper-over a thousand sheets of bright colored squares. I turn them into flowers. Every single one. I do not sleep. I do not take breaks. Because I know that as well as giving him the time it takes to make them, with every fold, I am giving him seconds of my lide. With every flower, part of a minute. I tie as many as I can to pipe cleaner stems. I arrange boquets and lattice, some topped by cranes. In the morning, I garland them throughout the halls, centerpiecing them all at his locer, so he'll know they're all for him. Every moment, Every crease is a message from me. On the second day, I give him words. This isnt to say I talk to him-no, I don't do that at all. Instead, I start a list of the words I love, then adding definitions: resplendent-shining brightly giddy-light hearted and flightly trollop-an untidy or immoral woman The words don't have anything in common. But that's what I like about them. After I jot down the words-a hundred in all-I rewrite them nicely on a long scroll under the heading "Words to Find and Know in This World." I tie the scroll with a ribbon. I leave the scroll of words and definitions at his locker at the beginning of my day On the third day, I give him space. I put a letter in his mailbox, wishing him a good day. I don't want to overwhelm him with everything. I also want to give him (and myself) time to think. On the fourth day, I give him song. there is a once when I never think twice you give me that, boy you give me that there is a kind which is much more than nice you give me that, boy you give me that and now, its time for me to revela all the parts of me you've helped become real to feel there is a go that turns into a stay you give me that, boy you give me that there is a dream which goes its own way you give me that, boy you give me that and still sometimes i feel so much fear there are parts of me I want to make clear there is a true which never rings wrong i'll give you that, boy i'll give you that there is a word in search of a song i'll give you that, boy i'll give you that let me give you that i promise i promise to give you that a dream, a song a never of wrong a once, a twice a much more of nice a love, a love a floating of love i'll give you that, boy i promise i promise to give you that. On the fifth day, I give him film. i use money i've saved to buy twenty rolls of film. some of them black and white some bright outdoor color. On top of each container, I write a word from a quote i found from an old photographer. Whether looking at mountains or studying the shadow of a branch, it is always best to keep your vision clear. In order to give him the film in a creative way, I will need accomplices. Each accomplice gives the film to him in a different way. On the sixth day, I give him letters. I know I only have one day left. It starts as a note, telling him I'm sure he'll put the film to good use. Then it turns into a letter. I can't stop writing to him. I barely pay attention in any of my classes, pausing to notice images and incidents tht I can share with him in the letter. It isn't entirely different from when I was writing him notes in class, before everything happened. But it feels more intense. A note is an update or entertainment. A letter is a giving of a part of your soul- an insight into your thoughts beyond mere observation. I finish the first letter. I bum an envelope off my guidance counsleor and seal the pages inside. Instead of relying on my friends. I deliver it to him myself. I immediately start the second letter, beginning with the moment i handed him the first letter and what was going through my mind. Suddenly, the whole thing begins to explain itself-I'm telling instead of showing, but that seems okay, since i've already tried to show so much. On the seventh day, I give him me.

i hate it when my retard sister and her retard friend feel the need th put on crap songs on my computer whilst i am tryig to sleep. its rather annoying. i was perfectly content listening to hey there deliliah and she fele the need to put on rap. people are trying to sleep. i hate her some days. and now i have no time to go back to sleep. two minutes. this is stupid. she sohouldnt be allowed to have friends over in the morning., she doesnt know how to respect sleeping people. her and that kid whose lame as all the world. goodness.

this isn't going to be an note its going to be a letter, because "A note is an update or entertainment. A letter is giving a part of your life- an insight to your life beyond mere observations."-Boy Meets Boy I can't decide how i feel right now. Im too mixed up to be able to think straight. but i am straight i know that. Though somehow im thinking if i were a boy, i'd be gay. strange, i know, So anyways, but back to the confused thing. i definately hate Susie[my uncle's girlfriend with whom he has three kids], i guess she has been ;laundering money from his construction company. and that really makes me mad. we all had our suspicions as to whether she was doing drugs or not but...that's over. it was just a hernia. and im having a very difficult time believing shes not. I dont know its just...sthey're so screwed up. but by whose standards? mine. they probably think they're normal. whatev. i dotn care. its not my money. why am i letting this affect me? im not quite sure, but it had to land on a bad day. yesterday was terrible. i woke up late and didn't pray in the morning, this is what i blame my bad day on. my lack of responsibility towards God. its no ones fault but my own. anyways on to more important matters.my mom decides that on yesterday, the worst day of my entire two thousand and six, she needs to quit her job. sounds pretty minor, but for someone who lives off her moms income, its pretty climactic. i dont know. now how am i going to be able to do anything? aaugh. oh, well im sure if i pray about it it will get better. Hawk Nelson plays tomorrow and im not going to their concert. its the first since i've heard of them and they've been in minnesota that i havent gone and seen them. So that was yesterday... This is today. I finished a wonderous book today called boy meets boy, by david levithan. its excellent i started it last nite thinking oh, its just another stupid book. but it had me enveloped in it. i couldnt put it down. i wanted to be Paul I wanted to feel his feelings, think his thoughts. to be so deep of a person woulkd be unthinkable.to actually know who you are at the age of four? its madness i wish i was so rooted in myself. I need to feel as though I know myself. I walk around confident but all you see is innocent. I wish i had some intellect. to save me from my consequence and i dont know where im going and i dont know where im coming from but i do know where the question comes from that i long to know the anwser for. I'm lost when you're standing right beside me. and i dont know where to go. my familys right behind me for letting go, im too far away to snap my legs in half the unicorns make sense inside me whilst the Nazis are riding past and the innocent start flying fast. and no one hears the things i do or perhaps its true, we're all the same. i cant run away and hide or let you fade away in vain. i feel the need to save you, protect you from yourself. or is it me? it's me. that needs the safety net. i need your arms around me to tuck me in at night. i need your hands to hold me to make me feel alrite please be my hopes, my dreams. my everything and make it seem alrite.

i've gotten back into my discovering mode. it was more of yesterday. i downloaded a bunchof great songs i've been hearing for a while. just hadnt taken advantage of limewire. The Postal Service-Such Great Heights elventyseven-myspace eleventyseven-the unicorn revolt the dandy warhols-we used to be friends the plain white t's-hey there delilah ne/yo-when you're mad REO Speedwagon-heard it froma friend. from first to last-note to self ahh, such glorious tunes/ close your eyes, listen to my voice, its my disguise. I've decided that: i like the smell of fire, but not fire itself. Tim touches his tummy too much Carlita starts her job today im going to a tennis match i drove. to shcool. my armpits dont smell as bad as carms i might have a thing for _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ i dont know if i like derek as much but i do. you're to blame

i need to stop before i crash && burn. i thought i already did. i thought i was smart enough not to do this again. i thought i was smart enough not to even do this. i've seent eh effects. i've seen some causes. i dont know which i dont want . ugh carm wants to do it again. i want to too. secretly, i want to more than anything but i hate feeling this way. why why why?

hey there delilah, whats it like in new york city? anyways. im the new trend.ive decided. copy me live like me be me! not. me and LeeMarie were wearing the same shirt this evening. it was bliss

yes, yes i mate TIM Team. yes, yes I am excited as much as you are. no, no i dont have anymoney to pay for it yes, yes i do need a job. yes, yes i do want to drive by myself with my friends tomorrow. no, no i dont want madi to go yes, yes i do want to see derek this weekend no no i dont want to be stressed yes, yes i do want to do my math homework yes, yes i do want to do TEC yes, yes i need a nap

i've decided i want to go to college. even more important. i've decided where i want to go to college. well, not really decided. but narrowed my search down. its between: St. Scholastica in Duluth Northwestern in St. Paul[too close] Wartburg in Waverly, IA and i want toooo: Major in Humanities with a minor in Music

MCAs are over!

for thinking we've changed so much and could never be the same.

is this strange or what? i walked into abercrombie and american eagle today and found myself looking at clothes and wondering what i'd look like in them. i really want to lose weight this summer. really i think that's my goal. to: lose weight and be healthy. and to sleep more and have fun. is that unrealistic? i had so much fun. justin drew steph alison and i were going to play minigolf and lazer tag at the lava lounge. so we played like six holes on minigolf and decided it was lame, so we went to rosedale. that's how we came about this madness, of losing weight and dressing preppy. i really watned to give Drewfus a makeover, he really needs one. i mean you just can't wear plain colored sweatshirts adn tshirts EVERYDAY! bah and then he didnt want to try on clothes. so that made me sad. and then we went to target to get hair dye to give him highlites. ah, his mother loves me. She was like sure...and then i was excited. and then Drew decided to be crabby and was like well, blah i dont want anything done. and so now we're doing before the end of this weekend or! i will be sad forever and never talk to him again. i really want his hair to be black with bleach blonde highlights. i dont know. it was funny. MEANWHILE, I can't stop thinking about:

My ex is: horrendous My sex is: non exsistant Maybe I should: take a nap I love: everyone I Lose: love People say: too much Love is: easily lost Somewhere, someone is: dying I will always remember: too little Forever seems: too soon I never want to: forget I think the current President: likes When I wake up in the morning: i sleep I get annoyed when: i care too much My cat/s is/are: evil and amazing Today I was: sad Tomorrow I'm going to: sleep I really want: love. I have low tolerance for people who: don't care If I had a million dollars: give it away First thing that comes to mind... 1. Yourself: angry 2. Your Lover: gay 3. Your Hair: whimsical 4. Your Mother: caring 5. Your Father: friend 6. Your Favorite Item: Faith 7. Your Dream Last Night: Sleeping 8. Your Favorite Drink: water 9. Your Dream Home: a loft in New York, or a home in Santorini, Greece 10. The Room You Are In: bedroom 11. Your pet(s): Shelby, Livi 12. Who You Are Now: lost 13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: beautiful 14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: found. 15. What You're Not: simple 16. Your Best Friend: Joanna, Carlee Carmen 17. One of Your Wishlist Items: happiness 18. Your Gender: female 19. The Last Thing You Did: picked a wedgie 20. What You Are Wearing:P!@tD shirt, Jeff uniform shirt, jeans 21. Your Favorite Weather: rain 22. Your Favorite Book: Bible 23. The Last Thing You Ate: water 24. Your Life: not bad, could be better could be worse 25. Your Mood: sad, sleepy

i can't take it anymore. you all whine about how bad your lives are and how bad your friends suck. most of all a select few whine about me. whatever. at least you're not dead. Thank God for that, five reasons i like boys better than girls 1boys dont do this backstabbing thing 2boys dont gossip 3boys dont really care 4boys dont always have to be right 5boys dont do this happily ever after thing and then confront you when really you didnt know something was bothering them.

ohh, and they dedicated He Calls to Me, Madi && JoJo i love them again and to my ignorance, they dedicated it to Jess too. whom i am very sorry for forgetting.

i wanted to stay. i knew only good things could happen... first. he's a model. second. he's hot. third. he's amazing. my sister is so annoying. shes fourteen. she shouldn't be hanging out with eighteen year olds. Eighteen Year Olds that Are My Friends. ohh,. and whatev. i dont give up im just going on vacation. so. don't go allowing yourself to be brainwashed whilst i'm away. and no that wasn't meant to be evil. [there's only us, only tonite, we must let go to know what's right, no other course, no other way, no day but today+]- i was going to leave this alone. but now i feel it nessecary to say: i can't believe you. we were really close friends. you've changed and not for the better. you would have never done something like that when i knew you. i feel like i dont even know you anymore.. and to justify myself to why this has even began: it hurt my feelings...welll i dont know exactly what about it hurt my feelings. i try to see as many people as i can everytime im down there. and who was i honestly wishing to call me? everyone with a cell phone. i feel like pretty much everyone there has forgotten me. honestly, im not the only one with a cell phone, yet when mine gets taken away i have no contact with anyone from there. i considered you to be my best friends. and yet, when was the last time you called me? i think it was, erm, october? and when was the last time she called me? easily january.even some of my other super good friends i havent heard from in quite a while. and it hurts to feel forgotten by the people you used to know everything about adn cant even tell you waht they're up to now days. i used to think i was perhaps blowing this out of porportion, but now it seems right.

you know it will always just be me. coming off of an amazing eighth grade retreat, i really don't know what to say. i was so caught up in knowing who i was, what and who i liked and didn't. and now it's all different. i know this: i'm confused. but i dont know: why im confused i know: why my head hurts but i dont know: how it happened.well, i know i hit it on stairs i know: i believe in God but i dont know: where i am in my faith journey i know: i want to get to know Chris and Nick better but i dont know: if there are any more feelings there. I know: i want to sleep but i dont know: why i dont I guess i was flirting with Chris all weekend..well,. i mean we do have a kid together(legoman...aka Thor Garlique Rykken) buuut..me and Charisse got him to believe that someone kidnapped Thor and took him and wanted a ransom of a Snickers bar and for me and Chris to sing a backstreet boys song at skitnite last nite. we sang journey instead adn nick got us Thor back, only after being pressed up against a wall by Kevin.I think Chris is mad at me though. =[ whoops. now i feel bad. i guess this week...well for the past two weeks i guess i have had a crush on him i guess...but now... I think i like Nick. he's so quiet and mysterious. i dont know. theres just so many things to be cautious about. I really wanna do TIM team next year. I dont know if i still like zach. i dont know. i feel badd its amazing how wonderful i feel and yet so tired...oh so tired after a weekend with seventyfive kids and eighteen SALT and TIM teamers... Breathe This is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe Your holy presence living in me. this is my daily bread this is my daily bread Your very word spoken to me and i-i'm desperate for You and i-i'm lost without You. im going to admit that i get really agry at madi for one thing or another at random times, adn i mean not all of the time is it her fault. but at WAPO all the eighth graders got letters from their parents and i got one as well, being as it WAS my first WAPO trip. I feel so blessed. anyways. so we went to a candlelight service and all the kids got to read their letters and everyone was crying and moved and it just made me realized how much i take her for granted and it's not really fair for her or me. She looks up to me and not only is it now evident to me but to everyone around us. ♥ annnnddd. on thursday, mister errot, or albert, as i like to say, told us that the A knowledge bowl team [Grant, Brad, Angie, Mike, Garret, and Isaac i think] is seventh in the state i think, that or seventh in the region, either way, i dont care. they're so brainy. and then he told us the C team, or JV A as i prefer to be called, has a great possibility of making it to subregions, which should be amazing for us [Joe, Peter, Noah, Lianne Sara and me]Buuuuutt that puts tremendous pressure on us to do good at our meet on tuesday. not that we wont do good, its just...stressful. ugh. whatever. wednesday! is French day at the zooo. im sooo excited. its just going to be amazing.

i take my test again tomorrow. im nervous. and evidently on saturday, i can;t go to willmar if i pass. tomorrows the school powwow. and i dont really want to go. i dont know anyone there, so im making carmie and alli go . the zach situation is so confusing.i dont even know what to say. he told me last nite that i should come sleep over at his house. which, i'm not going to. i've been thinking about my morals and i value them more than ever and i'm really glad i've made them, even though, sometimes i make them up as i go.and sometimes they change spur of the moment. i dont know. i hate harrington's class. anyone who contradicts herself is lame. lame and amazing are my new words and its getting really annoying. myspace is being stupid and tom's changing things..and its been on the news a few times. ugh, and ive had homeroom everyday this week, which is lame and i saw mr bow/hawn. i haven't seen him in ages. i've gotten a new few songs:My paper heart-the all american rejects (courtesy of Chris Rykken) want you bad-the offspring (courtesy of Stiffler on American Pie II) Shotgun Serenade- the juliana theory (courtesy of the all american rejects) Cute without the e -taking back sunday (courtesy of the all american rejects) oh, and im a toasted marshmallow...hair//wise. a failure driving//wise adn in love whittet//wise. Andy whittet is about teh hottest thing i've seen ever. ugh, he's in my math class and everytime i look at him its...amazing.he got his lip pierced last nite...i almost fainted when he walked in..